Full credit for this post idea goes to the post I read yesterday on Scary Mommy. You can read the original here (it’s pretty funny).
My child is scared of the school bus.
Not in any rational way but in a full blown “I will not take it and I will throw a fit if you even bring it up” way. I sort of blame myself because for kindergarten, due to taking advantage of school choice, I had to drive her. Then we moved and she was too nervous to take the bus without knowing anyone and we live literally 6 minutes from the school and what else do have to do with my day so I drove her for first grade.
She got spoiled.
I can work with spoiled.
And then there were all the bus accidents and the full blown fear was born.
I can’t work with fear.
And now, unless it’s for a field trip which allows for no other means of transportation , the child will not ride the bus (although we are currently in negotiations for her riding the bus one way. Next year. For third grade).
Which means I am relegated to another 7 or so months of school pickup line hell.
In the morning:
Good Lord, this is a long line. How many people missed this bus this morning?
Why is that kid getting out of the car into oncoming traffic?
Why is that car parked in the middle of the line?
Hey, I remember that teacher from last year! I should wave. Better not. He doesn’t look like a morning person.
I should go get tea from Starbucks. Oh, wait. I left my wallet at home. Now I have to drink my crappy homemade tea again.
Where are all the other kids? Are we that late? We can’t be. There are approximately 880707 cars behind me.
What time does school start? I should really write that down.
Next year, this child is definitely taking the bus. This is a pain in the ass. Who am I kidding? She’ll probably wind up missing it and I’ll have to drive her anyway.
In the afternoon
I’m here 10 minutes early. How are there that many cars in front of me? How early do they get here?
Well, at least I’ll get in some reading.
(Two pages later) Reading isn’t working. I’m too distracted.
I should respond to blog comments. I’m terrible at that. I’ll be so productive and take charge of my time! This is something I should do every day while I’m waiting.
Damn it, there’s no reception here. I hate living in the sticks.
It makes no sense that Spotify works and my WordPress app doesn’t. I should try it again. (tries 16 times) Sonofabitch! Why is it still not working?!
Sonofabitch! She never says that! What About Bob? is a great movie. I need to watch it again soon.
Oh, hey look! Other people bring their dogs with them!
I bet their dogs are well behaved and they don’t have one who compulsively licks the car door.
Are there doggie psychologists? Dobie needs one. I should look into that.
Holy crap, Barkley has bad breath!
Wow, I look terrible without makeup. And really tired. I need to take more naps.
Hey, that’s a funny car sticker! How can I subtly take a picture of it and post it to Instagram?
An awful lot of cars around here have stick figure families. I don’t know how I feel about that.
I think I’d like to make (fill in the blank) for dinner tonight.
Crap. I don’t have one of the main ingredients. I guess I’ll run to the supermarket to pick it up.
Oh, wait. I left my wallet at home. My family won’t notice if I leave it out.
Why is that parent out of the car? Is there something I should be concerned about?
Nope. She’s just going to talk with her friend.
I don’t know either of them. That’s odd.
No. It’s not. I barely leave my house. This is my outing for the day.
I need to get out more.
Why is it taking so long for the teacher to come around with the signout clipboard?
Why am I the only parent who signs her whole name? I need to practice writing my initials so they look cool. I need cool initial signatures for when I’m famous.
I think I’d like to be John Green famous. Not famous-famous.
Where is my child? Oh, there she is! Why is she wearing less clothes than I sent her to school with? Where did they go?
Who is she talking to? I don’t know that kid. I should ask my daughter but she probably doesn’t know either. She’ll talk to anyone. She’s like her father. I’m 96% certain this worries me.
Why is this line moving so slowly? I’d really like to get my daughter and go home.
Oh, thank G-d she sees me and is making her way over here.
I hope she doesn’t fall while she’s running. I don’t have any more band aids.
I should get a first aid kit for the car. That’d be a smart, proactive choice.
I really need to get Barkley a breath mint.
Hallelujah, she’s here, she’s buckled, and there are no cars in my way.
This child is totally taking the bus next year.
Except who am I kidding. No she’s not.