I spend a lot of time alone. While it’s true that I like it, being left alone with my own thoughts and imagination often lends itself to me having way too much time to think about things. Important things. Life altering things. Things like:
Just how much money have I spent at Wawa over the years?
If the human head weighs 8 pounds, how much do my boobs weigh because I’m pretty sure mine weigh more than a head.
How would I go about weighing my boobs to find out? Would a produce scale work? Or maybe one of those scales drug dealers use?
Why do so many people hate black licorice? It’s delicious. I don’t understand the vehement hatred.
Will I ever be able to use flour and have it not look like I’m dealing coke out of my kitchen?
Why does Jelly Belly continue to make the buttered popcorn and toasted marshmallow flavored jelly beans? Seems like a waste of money. I have yet to meet a person who likes either of them. They taste like vomit and I can’t possibly be the only one who gets irrationally angry when one sneaks into a handful I’ve tossed in my gullet.
How does one get a job naming nail polish? I think I’d be good at a job like that.
How do my dogs know the precise moment I’m finally comfortable to decide that’s when they need to pee?
What’s the deal with all these posts about parents letting their kids dress themselves going viral? It is really that big of a shock to anyone that kids pick out weird combinations?
Why does the internet tell me I’m doing everything wrong? I make coffee wrong. I make peanut butter and jelly wrong. I eat sushi wrong. I poop wrong. I’m getting a complex and feel like I’m failing at life. Can we get it together and maybe start telling people all the things they’re doing right?
Has the chick who started that whole dress debate gotten hate mail? And as far as fights she’s started as a result of posting that fucking picture, how does she compare to Monopoly? I think it’s probably close. Monopoly has years of experience but the internet is vast.
Is there a word for the panic sets in where you’re at someone else’s house and you use the bathroom and the toilet looks like it’s about to overflow after you flush? I feel like there needs to be.
I don’t have a shovel buddy. I need to get one of those. I should probably start by getting some friends first. (Side note—I finally worked shovel buddy into a post! I’ve been wanting and needing to do that for years)
Is there something wrong with me that I genuinely don’t care that Paul McCartney is headlining Firefly this year? I feel like I should care more since it happens less than an hour from my house, yet I don’t. 
I wonder if I practice enough, I can keep my eyes open when I sneeze. I sneeze a lot when I’m driving so I feel like this is a safety precaution. Also, if I can do it, can it qualify as a defensive driving discount?
What do you guys think about when you’re alone?
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[…] what you’re into) and have conversations with myself. I’ve written before about all the things I think when I’m alone but let’s revisit that topic, specifically lies I tell myself when my husband is […]
I can totally tell which kids dress themselves. Honestly, I get a lot of kids with holes in their clothes. Do I just not remember that part of childhood? I don’t recall ever being allowed to leave the house with holes in my clothes…do they just pop up that easily?
Kristin recently posted…February Books
That makes me angry. How do parents not notice that stuff? Holes in clothes are not acceptable for school or leaving the house in general.
Good post. OMG, on the flour getting all over the place! Confectioners sugar does the same. The mind does really, really wander. I go quickly from one thought to another and end up in a place far away from my original thoughts! One thing I did not think about at all was that white/gold, blue/black dress thing. My brain just would not go there.
Have a happy day!
Love, SMD’s Momma
My mind goes all over the place. No logical train of thought at all.
what i think about: how does one get a full time job testing shit they love? i’ve been reading about this guy who was a normal IT dude and just loved cycling so he just started posting reviews of the gear he bought and what happened etc during his ride/he if liked it/pros/cons etc. now, he’s quit his job, EVERY COMPANY UNDER THE SUN sends him shit to review (like, top notch gear from clothing to shoes to BIKES to helmets etc) and they even send him to things like CES and bike shows and shit. and it’s not like this has never been done before (hello, all bloggers all over the world) yet he got selected. HOW DO I GET IN ON THAT?????
kathy@real talk recently posted…things that make me rage
I want to know those secrets, too! WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???
Is there something wrong with me that I don’t know what Firefly is?
I always wonder what my dogs were thinking, if there is an age when you stop thinking of weed when you see or hear 4/20 4:20 etc., how much dust is hiding in places I’m not going near, what it would be like to live at the beach, post-apocalyptic survival, what Laura Ingalls would think about the world today, and other weird things.
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…Plum Paper Packages Tied up with String…wait, that’s not how the songgoes
It’s a music festival outside of Dover. It’s a big deal here because we literally have nothing else.
I do wonder what Laura Ingalls would think of today’s world. And I’m not sure I want to know what my dogs are thinking. It’s probably pretty scary in their heads.
ha ha about the flour! I would probably think the same thing too…if I baked that is. When I color my hair and rinse it in the shower, I often think about the shower scene from psycho because red color is splashing everywhere. I get a kick out of that. Yes, I’m strange. It’s not just black licorice, I hate any sweets that are chewy like gummy anything. It’s a texture thing…
Tonya@Budget and the Beach recently posted…Could You Live Off the Grid?
I like jelly beans and Mike and Ike but the rest of the gummy candy genre can suck it. They’re horrible.
Okay. Now this post made me laugh. You are one funny person, with heavy boobs. LOL.
Angel Rodriguez recently posted…A different type of Geek
Haha! Thanks!
Confession: I LOVE the toasted marshmallow jelly beans! AHHH I’m sorry! Funny list though; reminds me of how my weird, wacky overactive brain works.
Ali A recently posted…New York City 101
If I had to pick between the two, those are less disgusting. But still awful. Then again, as someone who loves black licorice, the most universally reviled flavor in all the land, I probably have no room to talk!
UGH buttered popcorn Jelly Bellies, just NO. I don’t think I’ve tried the Toasted Marshmallow ones. LOL at the boobs thing, I’ve totally tried to think of a way to weigh mine because if I knew how much they weigh I feel like I could subtract that from my total weight. Boob weight totally should not count.
Julia @ Grace Makes New recently posted…My Fitness Favorites
If you know what’s good for you, don’t try them. Ever.
And no, boob weight should not count.
You can weigh your boobs based on size measurements/volume. it’s muy difficuloso. When I was skinnier, I did the calculations and they were about 6 lbs each, so an additional 12 lbs is added on to my pushups because I’m a girl. STUPID. That was the point at which I quit giving a fuck about pushups.
You can love black licorice while I love the toasted marshmallow jelly beans… and the buttered popcorn are to feed to the dog. I’ve actually tried to Harry Potter jelly beans that include the vomit flavor. I didn’t try that one.
I’m pretty sure my dogs hear me pull back the covers and then hear my ankles pop which in turn sets them into bucking bronco mode and if you’ve ever had an 80 lb greyhound land on your feet before the sun comes up, you know real rage.
The internet is stupid. Unless it agrees with me. Then it’s totally right.
I’m so glad I didn’t get into the dress debacle. I hate the internet. And even more, I hate when the “news” discusses social media. Fucking stop. Just NO.
There should TOTALLY be a word for that panic feeling.
I’m totally impressed at your knowledge of the term shovel buddy because I’d never heard of it until you used it and I just always called it My Person (thanks for that Grey’s).
I’m glad I’m not the only one who fears sneezing while driving. It’s just so dangerous. It’s also part of the reason I leave the windows up most of the time in the car. Outside makes me sneeze, sneezing while driving is inherently dangerous. Kthxno.
Yeah, longest comment ever. #sorrynotsorry
Teh Megan recently posted…Confessions {3/4}
I love the term “shovel buddy”. It’s fantastic.
That is a lot of work to weigh my boobs. I feel a produce scale might be easier. I don’t think people at the grocery store would mind if I did that.
Jana this post is my favourite EVER.
first off, when you said Firefly, I thought you meant the TV show, so shows how much I care about that.
I am here to tell you that you are pooping right!! don’t listen to those naysayers 😉
and oh my gosh i need a shovel buddy! i had to click on the link because i had never heard it before but i love it.
my boobs wouldn’t even fit on a food scale they are so small. womp womp.
Kristen recently posted…Humpday Vol 1092
I just don’t get how you can poop wrong? Are you pooping? Is it in the proper receptacle? Then you’ve done it right in book.
Well your taste buds are clearly whack because toasted marshmallow are the best jelly beans ever to be created, and black licorice is gross.
I really do want to weigh my boobs…
Stephanie recently posted…Worth the Splurge
I think you have those flavors backwards, friend 🙂 I understand that black licorice is universally hated. Makes me sad.
Bullet points:
* To me, Firefly will always and forever be the TV series. Captain Mal forever.
* I love black licorice. Anyone who doesn’t is a freak.
* I also love buttered popcorn and toasted marshmallow Jelly Bellies. I will freely admit that I might be the freak here.
* The dress thing makes me want to poke my eyes out.
That’s all.
Kara recently posted…Friday Five #5
The dress was one of the most annoying internet things ever in the history of the internet.
These are hilarious! Those jelly beans are totally gross. My friend lets her daughter dress herself and it is seriously tutus everyday. I am with Kathy I want to live off testing/reviewing things I love, like books!
Kerry recently posted…Strawberry Peach Protein Smoothie
I want to get all the books and get sent on all the vacations. That would be fabulous.
haha first of all I laughed so hard at this post its not even funny. I mean. real loud laughter. Anyway I am almost positive my boobs weigh more that my head. I have knockers. I agree re jellybeans – noone eats those flavours. As for the dress girl you need to read the comments on amazon for the original dress… hilarious. You are funny!
Kay R. recently posted…Friday Faves
Haha, this is very similar to my train of thought as I try to fall asleep 🙂 I have some sleeping issues, so it usually takes me about an hour to get to sleep, so that’s a lot of time for wandering thoughts! Thankfully I’ve learned to let my mind wander opposed to letting it freak out about money/life/jobs/etc. 🙂
Amanda @ My Life, I Guess recently posted…4 Alternatives to a College Education
Sorry, I don’t like black licorice, and I like the buttered popcorn jelly beans, but not a whole bowl-full. I don’t get why that dress thing went viral. It makes me mad that it’s a “thing”. I have that toilet panic every time I’m at my in-law’s! And when I’m alone, I don’t think much. I just read :). Must read. LOL.
lisacng @ expandng.com recently posted…Februrary goals – Create
LOL! Great post! I heard when I was little that if you sneeze with your eyes open, the force will pop your eyeballs out. Terrifying! Haha! My sister is one of those freaks who like buttered popcorn Jelly Bellies. Gross. Does a Shovel Buddy remove facebook and twitter pages and shut down your blog too? I was telling Jacob he needed to do that for me and he didn’t understand. Ugh, men.
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