When driven meets depression

A few days ago, someone described me using a word I never expected. He said I am driven.

I guess, on the surface, it looks that way. After all, in the year since I've left full-time, traditional employment, I've started a mentoring program (which, after my daughter, is the best thing I've ever created), started a blogger consulting business, finished NaNoWriMo and am currently editing the manuscript, have 2 other ideas I'm working on, and a few other personal things that I'm not ready to discuss (I know. It's surprising that I am not willing to share something. Maybe someday). And I somehow manage to work on all of this every week.

(And I've stopped napping every day, too. Okay, fine. I've stopped napping most days. That's a big accomplishment.)

While this may seem like the week of a driven, motivated person, it's really not. Because there, lurking beneath the surface, is my old nemesis. Depression. And her asshole sidekick, anxiety. When the two of them get together, they make it so that no matter how much I do or don't do, it just doesn't seem like enough. Or that I am doing something wrong. Or that I am not working hard enough and I should be doing more. Or that even my successes are somehow failures.

It's pretty shitty to live in my head. It's not fun to think that no matter how much you do or how hard you work, there should be more. I constantly doubt everything I do and every decision I make because that's what depression does. It gets a stranglehold on your self-esteem and self-worth and tells you you're not good enough and never will be. Depression is a big fat liar but it's really persuasive. You can help but buy what it's selling.

It's even more frustrating this time around because last year, I emerged victorious from a pretty severe bout of depression. (Actually, that bout was pretty damn close to a breakdown, but we can talk about that another time).

But that's not the worst part. No, for someone like me, who has tons of ideas and wants to work hard at refining them and making them the best I possibly can, the roadblocks that depression throws in the way are the worst part. When I am in the thick of an episode–like now–it takes everything I have to just barely function, never mind function at the capacity I know I can. And when I do have to fire with all cylinders, I am so exhausted for the next few days that even cooking dinner or doing anything that's not sitting on the couch takes every bit of energy I have. As a result, I spend days or weeks just doing the minimum I need to and falling behind, which costs me money and, even worse, opportunity.

Now that I think about it, maybe that's actually the worst part. Losing opportunity means that I am not advancing my ideas or selling my products and services or doing everything in my power to put DMS and Bloggers Helping Bloggers at the top of their game. None of my projects are where I want them to be and having to compromise my standards because of something I can't control just ramps up the anxiety and all it winds up creating is a shitstorm of frustration, lack of motivation, and a complete withdrawal from everything I enjoy and care about, although somehow I am able to pull it together for my daughter. I genuinely don't know how. Maybe it's the meds.

I hate depression. I hate that no matter how hard I try, I can't get rid of it. It's always there, like a really creepy stalker waiting to pounce as soon as I stop checking for it around the corner. While I am better armed to deal with its attacks now, and have figured out a way to at least control my money when it hits, it still hurts just as much.

The good news is that I know it'll eventually dissipate. The severity of this latest round will lessen and I will get back to my version of normal. I'll get back on track with all my projects and work at the capacity I know I can. I appreciate all of you hanging in there with me, letting me rant about my mental health issues, and the incredible support you give me daily. It's what prevented me from quitting blogging and it's what's giving me the encouragement to continue.

Well, that, and I really want to see my book in a bookstore.