This post is not at all about personal finance. I’ll do a follow-up related to finance but for now, here’s the doozy of I post I mentioned last week. As a warning, it’s quite long.
There is something about me most people don’t know. It’s not that I’m ashamed of it or even that I try to hide it. Ok, maybe I do the latter but with good reason. I hide it because when people find out, they tend to run away from me or look at me like I’m some sort of fragile wounded bird who would collapse at the slightest touch. What am I hiding?
I have major depression and anxiety.
It’s probably not something you’d ever guess. I do a really good job of covering it up. Mostly because I don’t have a choice. I have to keep going every day despite the fact that all I want to do is hide in my room and sleep, accented with fits of crying. But I have a job and a child and pets and responsibilities that force me to get up and live my life just like any normal person. If you really knew me, though, you’d know that something was off. Way, way off. The way I exist is not normal. It’s hard to exist normally when you think you have nothing to offer.
Please don’t get scared. I have no suicidal ideations or intentions of other types of self-harm. There’s no way I’d ever do that do myself or my loved ones. But I exist in a fog. A thick, dense, oppressive fog, complete with voices that repeatedly tell me that I’m not good enough at anything–as a mother, friend, writer, employee, pet owner, money manager…it goes on. Voices that tell me nothing I do provides value. Voices that tell me I’ll never succeed at anything and I shouldn’t even bother to try. Voices that compare me to people I have no business comparing myself to. Voices that tell me to kill my dreams because it’s not worth it to have any.
In my act of rebellion against the voices, I set incredibly high standards and expectations for myself. Standards that are so high they’re impossible to achieve (I figure if I’m going to suck, I might as well suck epically). So then, when I can’t achieve those standards, I can assure myself the voices were right and that I’m just as awful as I they told me. It’s a pretty vicious cycle.
It’s enough to make you quit doing and enjoying everything you like, as well as things you don’t particularly enjoy but you have to do (just ask me how my laundry piles are doing). Depression doesn’t just hurt; it’s freaking crippling. You become powerless against it. There’s nothing you can do to stop its assault on your mind and your life. Even the simplest tasks like creating a to-do list or driving home from the grocery store turn into a meltdown so severe you either start crying or freaking out to the point that all you want to do is hide under your desk until it passes.
Enter: anxiety.
Anxiety is a lot harder to describe than depression but I’ll try. Imagine you’re moving along and then something happens. Doesn’t matter what. Then, all of a sudden, your heart starts racing, you can’t breathe, you feel like your body is being squeezed in a vice; basically, you feel like the world is crushing you and you have to find somewhere to hide or escape. You go into full-blown panic mode for a minute, an hour, a day…however long it takes to subside.
My anxiety is triggered by pretty much anything mundane. Or major. Too many dishes in the sink? Anxiety attack. Too many things to do at work? Anxiety attack. Too many blog posts to write? Huge anxiety attack (this is, in part, why I gave up almost all of my staff writing. I would literally forget to breathe when I would look at what I needed to do). I’m often so paralyzed by my anxiety that I wind up doing nothing at all. I’m constantly on edge (before this, I was just high-strung. It’s moved so beyond that that it’s gone to plaid). But the worst is the social anxiety.
I’ve always been a pretty introverted person but that didn’t mean I hated being social. I enjoyed going out with friends, attending weddings, chatting with online friends. But as my anxiety takes a firmer grasp of me, I can’t handle most of those activities anymore. At least not on a daily basis. I can handle them on “good” days, which lately are fewer and farther between, but I certainly can’t handle it the way I used to. Because for me, I’m blessed with the fact that with my anxiety comes just the slightest hint of paranoia.
I have managed to convince myself—no matter how untrue it may be—that no one actually likes me and wants me around. I’ve convinced myself that people, be it friends, family, complete strangers, only say nice things to me because they have to, not because they want to. I believe that when I leave a room of people, they’re talking about me. I believe that people are, behind my back, confirming all of the negative things I already believe about myself. Given all of that, why would I put myself in a situation with people who don’t like me? Because that breeds anxiety at having to be near them. Which starts another round of depression all over again.
It’s a Ferris wheel that I can’t get off of. Except this Ferris wheel? Is not at all amusing.
After dealing with this on and off for almost 7 years, I’ve finally started getting some help. Good, solid, qualified help. I’m in therapy and am considering taking a leave of absence from work (have I mentioned that my work is terribly impeded by this? No? I should probably address that, too). I’m trying to get better without the help of medication although if it comes to it, I’ll take a pill. I will do whatever it takes to get to the point of being able to function like a normal person. Because functioning like this is not functioning at all. It’s surviving, not living.
This doesn’t mean I’ve given up. I’m determined to beat this because quite frankly, I’m tired of the death grip that depression and anxiety have put on my life. I want to feel normal. I want to stop imagining things that are untrue. I want to stop acting and truly enjoy what I experience. I want to be myself again. I know it’ll never be completely gone, and I’ve accepted that. But I need the good days to outnumber the bad. I need to stop bursting into tears all. The. Time. I need to be able to manage my life without running for cover. I need this disease to know what a piece of shit it is and that I’m tired of how much of my life it’s stealing. I need to tear the monster in my closet to pieces and send it on its way.
Why am I telling you all of this? I’m not sure exactly. I’m not expecting sympathy or pity or my readership to flee as a result (you all are way too awesome for that). I think maybe I’m telling you because if there’s one other person out there who’s going through this, I want her (or him) to know that she (or he) is not alone. Depression is fucking awful. But you’re going to get through it.
And if someone says to you “you don’t look depressed”, fire back with “well, what is depression supposed to look like?” Because depression doesn’t have a face or a form. It inhabits each person in a different way, and how each person chooses to handle it looks different. There are good days and bad days and there’s no way to know which one you’re going to wake up to. And even though you don’t “look depressed”, that doesn’t mean your depression is any less real.
Trust me. I know.
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I can’t weigh in because I’ve never had depression or anxiety. My brother has depression and it runs in my family. There’s a bit of a stigma around depression and anxiety and people have told my brother to just get over it. It’s a ridiculous thing to say to somebody (you wouldn’t tell somebody with MS to just get over it so why depression?). And, really, what IS depression supposed to look like? Some people are silly.
Daisy recently posted…Lessons Learned in Growing a Blog
First and foremost, Jana, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Even though you may not believe it, I want to see the words from me saying that you ARE worth something, you DO contribute positive things to this world in all facets of your life. People DO like you and enjoy being around you – I can say this because I’m one of them. The Friday evening at #fincon11 where a group of us just sat around a table and swapped funny stories, getting to know each other is one of my fondest memories I have in recent years.
That being said, I am happy that you are getting help for these conditions. One of my very best friends was recently battling depression. He constantly told us that he was not suicidal. He even told his therapist (who was extremely concerned) that he had no intention of harming himself…..then he went home, closed the garage door, left the car running and took his own life.
Please continue to get help. Please follow through on your commitment to do whatever it takes to beat this. I want to see your smiling face at #fincon12. I want you to tell me more stories of road side vendors in New Jersey. I want to hear your Eastern accent say, “My idiot husband” again. I want to see more blog posts with pictures of your daughter smiling because she has an awesome mom.
Keep your chin up, keep fighting, and feel free to reach out to me anytime if you need to talk to someone.
Travis @Debtchronicles recently posted…What’s your 0.2?
Jana, you are so brave to share your story! Depression affects everyone, even the people surrounding the person going through it. I have had family members who had depression and family members who have had anxiety. It’s a rough road but you are a strong woman; you will find your way and your “good days” will soon outnumber the “bad days”.
Mackenzie recently posted…The Underbelly of the American Dream
As a social worker at a homeless shelter for women with severe and persistent mental illness, I see women struggling with severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD (among other things) on a daily basis. Depression can be crippling and as others have commented you can’t just “get over it” or “snap out of it”. “Just make yourself feel happy, it’s all in your head”. Nope if it were that easy nobody would be depressed and the pharmaceutical companies wouldn’t be making billions of dollars a year trying to find the “cure” for this chemical imbalance in the brain. Sometimes I think that people forget that depression is a chemical imbalance, just like a broken arm or diabetes, there is a medical reason that people are depressed. Unfortunately mental health disorders aren’t widely understood by the public (or even by doctors) and as a result people with mental illnesses are judged and stigmatized. I think education about mental illness is getting better, but it’s still a long hard road to travel. Hang in there!
Kari@Small Budget Big Dreams recently posted…I Use Credit Cards: I’m Bad!
If I could I would give you the biggest hug and a high five for your bravery. You know it is my life mission to let others know they are not alone. It takes willing people like yourself to be transparent and honest. With that being said, I feel like you have described my life. I am riddled with depression and anxiety but like you, I have a family to attend to and life must go one. I’ve put off “real” writing until all my kids are in school and I can see a therapist during the day while writing my book. It’s easy for me to write the facts but when I have to describe the emotion, anxiety sets in and all I can do is cry.
Jenniemarie @ anotherhousewife recently posted…I Am a Softball Mom
Wow. You just described me, except mine’s extreme anxiety. ESPECIALLY the part about the anxiety over little things and not being able to breathe. It’s like I wake up in the morning and I think about all the things I need to do, and I just feel sad. And overwhelmed. Like the world is ending overwhelmed. I’m sorry that you have depression on top of that. I know from experience it’s not fun at all. ((hugs))
Nell @ Housewife Empire recently posted…You Can’t Fund a Roth IRA without a Joint – Dirty Secrets of the Marriage Tax Penalty
I feel like you described a page out of my life. I too see a therapist and am trying to keep away from taking meds. It is a daily battle for me, sometimes moment to moment. Thank you for posting this because as I read your post I realized I am not alone.
I commend you for your bravery in coming out and saying to the world you suffer from depression. I wish you all the best in this fight that you are in. I am sure that you will beat this because you are brave.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Depression is a medical problem, and it should be treated as such, with no stigma or “get over it” sentiments. I hope you find the help you need so you can live a happier or at least less anxious life.
Well Heeled Blog recently posted…High Prices in Fashion Magazines
*hugs* I can not say that I understand what you are going through, but I can say I love someone who does. So I can only tell you what I tell him- you are valuable, you are worth it (whatever “it” may be), and you are cared for greatly.
I am so looking forward to being your roommate at FinCon.
shanendoah@The Dog Ate My Wallet recently posted…Move Along, Nothing to See Here
Oh my god. Our life circumstances are very different, but beyond that, I feel like I wrote this blog post word for word. I’ve suffered from this my whole life, but let’s just say life has given me lemons lately and I’ve made Klonopinade just to stop those same voices in my head. I have no answers or resolution yet, but it’s a journey I’m committed to traveling.
Excellent read I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on that. And he actually bought me lunch because I found it for him smile So let me rephrase that: Thanks for lunch!
radiant barrier
Hi Jana,
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate as I went through one full day of depression after losing a critical tennis match that helpe our entire team lose that day. It was weird b/c I felt very bad and second guessed the line-up so much, that even though we have 2 singles and 3 doubles in a line-up, and I was just one of the teams, it still felt bad me and my partner did not win.
I thought a good 3 hour afternoon siesta would cure me, and it did not. It was like a fog, as you said. It took another full couple days to get over it. I can’t imagine feeling like that all the time.
I try not to sweat the small stuff, otherwise I get anxious too. But, when I have to make big life changing decisions like quitting a job or something, that anxiety is there.. a heavy, heavy feeling in one’s chest. Is this what you feel as well?
Hang in there! It’s the darndest thing, and clearly a chemical imbalance issue it seems, b/c it’s so hard to fix We know our lives are good, and should have no reason to be depressed, but we are at times.
Best, Sam
Financial Samurai recently posted…The Yakezie Value Proposition
Appreciate your sharing. There are SO many bloggers out there who have depression, anxiety and other similar social/mental conditions – I think blogging offers a good outlet sometimes. I think it’s great when they ‘come out’, so to speak – it makes the rest feel less alone.
eemusings recently posted…Link love (Powered by blogging peeves and other woes)
Thank you for this post. You write about this so well and are very brave for doing so.
Julia recently posted…Where I come from: Reaching for your financial goals, while struggling to make ends meet
Jana, you wrote everything that I’ve been trying to say to BF for months. My main issue is untidiness. If my house is untidy I begin to panic and start to clean but oh my there’s too much and I have homework and the house is still messy and I can’t do homework in a messy house and, and, and — my mind isn’t able to switch off long enough to relax and properly assess the situation.
I am thinking about getting some help because I really feel that my anxiety has become more pronounced lately. I was worried because I was afraid that I would be automatically prescribed a pill but since you’re making progress without one, hopefully I’ll be able to as well 🙂
Vanessa recently posted…March Update
You know that I can relate to this post well. I have had a very rough month thanks to my own mental health. I worry that it’s going to cause me to fail at freelancing. The “voices” in my head are telling me that I’m lazy, ill-equipped to deal with this job and that I am not good enough. I struggle daily to avoid comparing myself to other bloggers/freelancers who are doing better than me. It’s a bitch.
I’m always an IM away. Always!
Jessica, The Debt Princess recently posted…Where’s the Debt – April 2012
Depression is prevalent in my family too and I applaud your decision to go to therapy. I’ve been reading books by Daniel Amen MD for several years. He has great info for sufferers of anxiety, depression, and ADD. Some of his suggestions are not mainstream, but it might be worth reading some of his material. Good luck.
Dr Dean recently posted…Save on Gas: At The Expense Of Our Marriage?
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I was in the place last year and for years before that. My wife told me to go to therapy and get medicated, but I resisted.
Then something changed. I don’t know how, but it felt like a fog lifted. I never sought counseling or medication, it just happened (after a feeling of rock bottom).
I know it sounds weird, but many times these feelings come from caring too much about other people, and the answer is almost selfish. Only by letting go of others and focusing on ourselves can we truly be healed.
After reading A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy, I was able to look at what I had and truly appreciate it, and fully let go of all the things I wanted but felt I didn’t deserve or couldn’t attain.
I can’t recommend the book enough, mainly because it is not a conventional self help book.
Good luck and let us know if you need anything. So many of us have been there. There need not be a reason for it to be there, it just is. I know it is possible to deal with without medication, but there is no shame in trying meds. This stuff is important.
John | Married With Debt recently posted…5 Tips to Live a Debt Free Life and Become Wealthy
Thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry you’re going through it, I know from experience it’s not easy. While I’ve never suffered from depression, I did suffer from terrible anxiety (that led to me being medicated with anti-depressants so that I could sleep!). The feelings you described are so real – I used to say it felt like I had something very heavy sitting on the centre of my chest, and I couldn’t breathe.
I hope your therapy and and chosen treatments help you. I had to change jobs to finally start to treat mine, but I have been off meds for 5 years.
Good luck, and again, thank you for sharing. More people need to talk about this.
Kris @ BalancingMoneyandLife recently posted…Marriage and Money 4: The Bus List (Or What Happens if the Unthinkable Happens?)
Hi Jana,
If only we could easily reprogram our brains! I had severe bouts of this when I was younger, and even today I still go through bouts of doubts, and times of high anxiety. I get where you’re coming from, and I really hope you do get better. It’s hard for someone to imagine what it’s like if they’ve never experienced it themselves! Unlike a physical injury, one can’t easily see inside the head of another person and empathize with what’s going on.
One day, the technology will be there to fix our brains without having to resort to drugs with severe side-effects or other problems.
Invest It Wisely recently posted…Canada’s New Budget: A Paradigm Shift – Although a Small One
I would never have thought this about you after spending a whole weekend together; you definitely hide it very well. You should not be ashamed to talk about or fear what others may say about you…who cares! You are an amazing mom, writer, friend the list goes on and on! Hang in there and if you ever need to chat I am a tweet, FB message, or email away 🙂
I love your authenticity! Good for you! There comes a time when we just lay it all out and have enough self worth to stop hiding what we struggle with. I now have authentic friends who accept me, and I don’t feel any shame about who I am.
I was referred to a psychiatric nurse practitioner by a wonderful therapist about a yr ago. This NP is a wiz at brain activity and meds, vitamins, supplements etc. I have not felt so good in a long time. I am able to be my joyful self again. I see him every 4 weeks or so. I feel very supported. I hope you will be open to looking into this. Putting a stigma on meds, to me, is like putting a stigma on depression.
I started taking a weekly bootcamp type class at the gym. I was honest with my instructor about my depression, and how it could effect my consistancy in coming to class. But I started to feel strong and proud of my physical acccomplishments, and my emotional health was positively effected too. My instructor pushed me to show myself that I could do more than I ever thought I could!! His voice played in my head with all aspects of my life! I’m still taking his class and doing intense workouts 3x/week and running 2x. If you had told me several years ago that I would be running and working out and loving it, I would have thought you had the wrong girl!!
Please commit to looking into any and every way to support yourself in knowing the joy is there to be reunited with. Peel one layer at a time, and be patient yet diligent in your quest.
Jana, kudos and hugs for sharing. I know depression and anxiety are so difficult to live with. Depression runs in my family and though my bouts of it are mild, I can totally relate to feeling worthless, like everything is utterly pointless, and like depression is one giant crushing trap. I’m like you said on your about page, flawed, imperfect, and a little bit crazy (high-five!:); we’re also more loved and welcomed than we could imagine, by the one who created us in His image with dignity and value that no one can erase. May you find peace in his irreversible work done on your behalf. Again, well done.