Addie from Life and My Debts recently posted that her friends are completely unsupportive of her desire to become debt free. Their lack of support had her questioning her intentions and left her wondering if she’s bizarre for wanting to eliminate her debt. She started to think that she should just accept her debt and not worry about it for the next 14 years. The whole post made me quite sad. Why? Because, 10 years ago, Addie could have been me.
When I was 25, like Addie is, I didn’t understand the first thing about finances. I didn’t care that I had debt because everyone had debt! I didn’t think twice about using a credit card for things I couldn’t afford in cash and I certainly didn’t care about getting my then-fiancé’s (now husband) student loans paid off (after all, they were his. Not mine). I figured my credit card debt would take care of itself one day and living paycheck to paycheck with no real budget was the way to go. I had a full-time job with benefits, a car, a nice apartment…the works. My friends were all the same way and none of us at anytime ever discussed what it would be like to not have debt.
Come to think of it, we never really discussed money at all. Not in any sort of productive way anyway. When we would talk about money, it was which beers were on tap and what the cover charge was at our favorite bars and how much that really cute shirt cost. In my 20s, I never sat around with my friends discussing the importance of saving for a down payment or investing in our retirement funds or just using cash. For me and my friends, finances weren’t important. As long as we were doing what we wanted, it didn’t matter how we funded it.
Then I got married a year later. And we bought a house. And got a dog. And everything changed. All that extra money we had for debt we suddenly needed for a house (lesson: don’t buy a house on a whim because your apartment is too small. Thoroughly research and evaluate everything before making that decision). Our debt payments, which we were in a stellar position to pay down BH (before house), suddenly became a crushing weight. Here we were, two college educated adults with full-time jobs and a house but couldn’t afford to eat. Or do anything except sit on our couch and watch movies borrowed from the library or bought from On Demand (that’s a whole different story). All because of debt (which, I should point out, kept growing at this because credit cards are really pursuasive and we were apparently incapable of saying no regardless of a terrible situation).
Then our debt became really umanageable (as in, “I don’t know how we’re going to make the payments this month” unmanageable). And then I got pregant. Everything changed, and we had to get serious about paying off our debt. Unfortunately, once we got serious about paying off our debt, we lost a lot of friends. People don’t like to be told no. If you say no enough, friends disappear. If you decline enough invitations, the invitations stop coming. The phone stops ringing. Emails stop coming. It got to the point where we had to accept that we were freaks. We were no longer fun. And no one wants to hang out with “those people” (I should point out that, in our former circle of friends, “those people” are the financially responsible ones).
But it was fine. I couldn’t spend my time with people who didn’t understand or support the financial position we were in. I’d rather be alone. I believe that the friends who drop you during this time are the ones who can’t face their own debt demons. Watching you pay down debt makes them feel guilty that they’re not doing the same so it’s easier to avoid you then to “lower” their standards. Real friends will stick by you and support your decision to take charge of your finances. They will come over for a barbeque and game night instead of insisting you go to the trendiest restaurant and bar. They will swap clothes with you instead of suggesting a trip to the mall. They will even ask you about your progress. The ones that put you down and make you feel bad? Screw them.
Addie, and anyone else in Addie’s position: There is nothing wrong or freakish about wanting to get rid of your debt, even if you are “only” 25. It is a responsible and mature, not to mention practical, decision to make. Use your 20s to build skills to protect your 30s. Be smart. Practice conscious spending. Learn to budget. Save your money. Start investing. Pay off your debt rather than accrue more. Now is the time to start securing your future so you’re not like me, playing catch up, 10 years later.
It’s hard to say no to your friends and it’s even more difficult to not let their opinions bother you. But don’t let it. They might be putting you down because secretly, they wish they had the willpower and drive to get rid of their debt rather than just accept it. Taking control of your finances at a young age is an admirable quality. You should be commended for it, not ridiculed. So, regardless of what they may say to you, do not quit. Keep going. Because when you’re my age and debt free and have all the choices in the world, and they’re still complaining about credit card and student loan debt, you can sit back and laugh at them (secretly or out loud. Your choice).
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[…] 5. Daily Money Shot with Unsupportive friends? Let ‘em go. […]
I feel like I bring up Dave Ramsey a lot (although I consider him one of the experts in this area), but he talks about this specifically. He points out that other people will make fun of the people that are doing everything they can to pay off debt until they realizing that going nuts like this works! Maybe this mentality doesn’t work as well if your friends have zero reservations about credit cards and debt. That’s just irrational and an almost impossible battle!
I can’t say I have much experience with this. Most of my friends aren’t big spenders at all, and I can’t think of anyone that thinks debt is totally okay. I guess I’m lucky for that (plus I have all the Yakezies, too!)
Jeffrey recently posted…Can a Personal MBA be just as good as the real deal?
It’s great that you have a group of friends like that (and all of us Yakezies, too).
Dave Ramsey does make great points with this issue. It’s hard, though, when you’re the only one of your friends paying off debt instead of accruing more. So I get where Addie is coming from.
My wife and I have started to think that most of the people we used to consider friends don’t like us anymore because we just a little too frugal to go out for drinks (and spend $100 in one night) frequently.
20’s Finances recently posted…Debt Relief Affiliate Programs
Corey, we lost most of our friends in our 20s for that very reason. No one wanted to just hang at our house and have some beer. It always had to happen in a bar.
Unsupportive friends are the worst. I wrote a post awhile back about a frenemy and how I was a bit jealous of her because she was spending all of her money on travel and fun stuff, where I am not/cannot. I’m lucky in that most of my friends are supportive of my financial status, but not necessarily other things.
Daisy recently posted…Feeling Deflated – A Long, Rambly Post
Yup, you wrote that post for this very site! Jealousy is a killer, for sure. But it’s good that you have supportive friends when it comes to money. That makes things so much easier.
If friends are unsupportive, are they really friends? If I knew that the only reason a person declined an invitation to go out is because they were saving money, I’d find other ways to spend time with them. However, the person has to make it clear to me otherwise its hard to find the root cause of the decline. Hope that makes sense.
I Am 1 Percent recently posted…Weekly Roundup #1 – Road to 1 Percent
That’s a good point, and one that I agree with. A real friend will not turn her back on you because you’re trying to save money or pay down debt. When we were saying no, we told them we couldn’t afford it. In our former superficial circle, no one wanted to be friends with the “poor people”.
Well said. Many of my friends are up to their eyeballs in debt and think that’s “normal”. There’s nothing wrong with being “weird” and declining offers to fancy dinners that will put you in a bad financial situation. Cut up those cards and get some new friends who will let you borrow their clothes and dvds. Through blogging I’ve found a whole world of friends who think the same way I do. Further proof that there are lot of “weirdos” on the Internet 😉
Kari recently posted…HGTV, We’re in a Fight!
Amen, Kari!
Honestly, I have more fun being weird than I ever did being normal.
I’ve found that once you have kids, it is the perfect excuse to stop hanging out with your frivolously spending friends. Before kids though, it was very hard to say no.
You can always take comfort in the fact that you will be set in retirement while your foolish and UN-supportive friends will be barely getting by on social insecurity.
Matt @ RamblingFever Money recently posted…The Cost of Gas: Who to Blame and What To Do About It
I am really happy to say that I have very supportive friends who read my blog and understand our situation. I’ve never once been shunned by them for my frugal ways. And hey, her friends should get the memo that being frugal is cool!!
Newlyweds on a Budget recently posted…We paid off our credit cards!
I also feel as though everyone around me thinks I am a nut-job for wanting to save money. They think that having extreme debt is normally. Because, well, that is what everyone else has as well.
It drives me crazy when people don’t see it my way (Not to say I am always right, but when I say personal finances should be monitored I am.) or in a logical sense.
Anyways, Its great to know I am not alone!
MyCanadianFinances recently posted…Yakezie Challenge Accepted!
I’ve gotten to the point where most of the people in my life who thought I was weird for my money habits are gone. It’s such a relief!
One of the great things about the internet is that it can make it easier to find people that think the same way as you. Most people in my real life don’t care much about personal finance or frugality but by reading my blogs I know I’m not alone.
Andy Hough recently posted…Previews, Coffee & Other Gratis Pleasures
I feel the exact same way.
Thanks for making me not feel like a freak just because I want to be debt free! Sometimes it is discouraging to watch everyone else have $100 bar tabs and new clothes while I stick to dollar drafts and have been trying to avoid buy new clothes. In ten years it will feel really good to have no debt while their just realizing what a pain in the butt all of their debt is.
Addie recently posted…Cleaning out my closet
… and, good riddance to ’em. It’s not like to those fair-weather friends volunteered to help you make payments.
101 Centavos recently posted…A Fistful of Links … Or, I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends
I can’t understand why Addie’s friends whould be unsupportive of her desire to be debt free. That seems strange. I would just ignore them and continue to try to get rid of the debt. I can bet that a few years down the road, when life gives them a rude wake-up call, they’ll be sorry they did not follow in her footsteps.
Dannielle @ Odd Cents recently posted…Comment on The Windows Calculator by Dannielle
I firmly believe you should surround yourself with positive people because those good vibes and energy rub off on you.
Edwin @ Save Your Cash recently posted…Saving Money On Your Cell Phone
Hi All! My husband and I can certainly understand how most of you feel when “friends” turn away when the words “we-can’t-afford-it” are mentioned. We’ve used Dave Ramsey’s methods since 2010 and have paid off all debt except for student loans and the mortgage. During the process, our “friends” would say, “since you’re paying down debt, maybe you can put a few dollars aside for a trip to Jamaica” or “can’t you pay the minimum on your cards so we can all take a trip to Mexico”, not understanding we were using gazelle intensity to pay off everything. Can you believe one “friend” asked if we could skip a mortgage payment to attend his birthday party in Vegas?! At first we were hurt by their selfishness, but then we realized how lucky we were to be rid of such immature foolishness. We now surround ourselves with positive people that understand shelling out hundreds of dollars is not our method of entertainment. Keep up the good work Addie!