Someone I know used to do posts like this and she doesn’t blog anymore so I can’t link to her blog and her hilarious posts but it’s still a great idea and I like letters so let’s send some, shall we?
Dear FitBit,
While I appreciate your encouragement, if I haven’t hit my steps goal by 10PM, please stop sending me notifications that I “only have 1029 more steps to go”. It seems like a waste of everyone’s time and also, we both know I’m not getting in the rest of those steps. Let’s stop pretending.
Love,
Jana
Dear laundry,
Go fuck yourself.
Love,
Jana
Dear people who send group texts but really only want to talk to one person,
Seriously?! Why do you do that? Is it that hard to take all the other names off or start a new, separate and private message? Because one of these days, you’re absolutely going to send something you don’t mean to. And while I’ll laugh and laugh then, for now, you’re making me hate my phone. I don’t want to hate my phone.
Love,
Jana
Dear drivers who pull out in front of me when absolutely no one is behind me and then drive painfully slow,
I hate you yet I feel compelled to understand your thought process. What makes you think “hey, no one is driving behind that lady in the filthy black car but I’m totally going to cut her off at the last minute instead”? I’m not even kidding that I want to know so then maybe we can come to an understanding and I won’t feel compelled to shout more obscenities than usual.
Love,
Jana
Dear kids’ toys packagers,
Do you hate parents? I’m thinking you must as there is no other explanation as to why you make toys so damn difficult to open. So if you could, I don’t know, maybe make it possible to open a toy without the use of scissors and the brute strength of a professional football player, we’d appreciate it.
Love,
Jana
Dear Facebook,
Why is it that you show me all the memories I truly don’t give a fuck about but that one time I was really funny and want to use that status in a blog post instead of using a new thought because words are hard is impossible? If you could fix that so I could recycle my creativity, I’d appreciate it.
Love,
Jana
Dear Amazon,
Before we start, let me just say how much I love you and your 2 day shipping and all that jazz, including the storage locker pick up option. But I think maybe we need to have a conversation about geography. A storage locker 20 miles from my house is not “nearby”. You know what’s nearby? The fucking fulfillment center on the other side of town. The one that takes 10 minutes to get to. Also, why are lockers not there? It’d make a shit ton of sense if they were. We should discuss logistics. Call me.
Love,
Jana
Dear that one piece of hair that makes me feel a spider is crawling on me,
Fine, you want to fuck with me. I get it. Maybe I don’t wash or brush you as much as you’d like but trust when I say it’s for your own good and has nothing at all to do with my laziness. BUT. Why you gotta do it when I’m driving? Don’t you realize I’m on the lookout for shitheads who cut me off, animals crossing the road, and fighting off sneezes? I don’t have time for your games when I’m operating a car. And there’s also this–I’m not that great of a driver to begin with. Why make it worse?
Love,
Jana
Dear flies,
Get the fuck out of my house.
Love,
Jana
What unsent letters are you sending today?
This is excellent. Toy and practically any packages. An act of God to get them open. and you can injure yourself.
Flies. Ugh. Fun read!
Love. Steph’s. Momma.
Toy packaging is the worst.
Hahaha I love this so much and laughed out loud at my desk numerous times. I remember seeing this series before and it always makes for such an entertaining post. I can especially relate to the stray hair…I am such a spazz about that.
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I wonder who else did something like this? The person I’m thinking of quit years ago but I love reading these kinds of posts!
We use skype to talk at work since we are all remote, there is one guy who insists on chatting to all of us when he just wants to talk to one of us. It drives me insane to the point I start calling him names out loud because he can’t hear me.
The pull out in front of you people give me rage, it’s probably how K knows what’s a bad word and what’s not.
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I’m 100% confident Erica knows all the bad words because of my road rage.
Totally laughing at the people who cut you off to drive slow and the need to understand them.
I’m just waving my middle finger around in the air today. Consider that my correspondence.
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That’s basically my daily correspondence lately. I totally get it.
Make a copy of the laundry letter & send it to my pile.
LAWWWDDDY I hate when I have hair on me. Especially when I’m running & it sticks in my sweat on my arms…. There’s a new torture device right there
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Stray hair sticking to sweat is almost as bad as it getting stuck in lip gloss. Annoying AND gross.
Loooooooooove this! Now I steal it and link you :). I don’t care for drivers who have no sense of timing or space and wait until the LAST minute to pull out into my lane. Do it sooner or don’t do it at all!!!! I love Amazon too and hate kids’ packaging.
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Steal away!
Haha! This was too funny, and I love it! I always manage to find a hair tickling me somewhere in the most inopportune moments too! And why don’t people understand group text messages? My father in law has sent some really random ones to all of the kids before that were clearly only meant for my mother in law, and he claimed that he couldn’t tell that there were other names on there. Ummm… I think that it’s pretty clear that there are more than just one name on that listing…
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My parents get so confused when it comes to group texts, I can’t help but laugh.
Love this and absolutely borrowing (stealing, pick your preference) from you. It’s laundry day and I copied your letter and sent it post haste to my big pile of laundry. If it wasn’t a dire situation at this point, I’d flip it off and wait another day. Or two.
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I got one for Facebook:
Dear Facebook,
Can you not notify me of all these “live” events from every website, human and news source in creation? I don’t remember signing up for these and I am not interested in watching. At all.
Toodles, AA
This is the one that should never be sent but bubbles up every time I see an email from CrapCoworker.
Dear incompetent coworker who has never gotten anything right on the first, second or sixth try, since Day 1 to the present Day (765),
I abhor you. From your ten-email-minimum requirement for you to comprehend the smallest detail, to the useless and chipper “see you there!” emails that remind me you exist, to your face that means you’re still “working” here, I despise it all.
May the Universe one day spare me the knowledge of your existence.
With all possible disdain,
R
Huh. That feels better.
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Ughhh I had someone pull out in front of me last night causing me to slam on my breaks and swerve in a 55 MPH zone and not a damn car was anywhere near me. Then they went 40-45 MPH and were lost and stopped at four different streets and never turned down a one of them. My patience started to wear quickly…on my horn and middle finger. Laundry is an ass. And that piece of hair likes to mess with me too!
Facebook memories are awful and people who share every.single.one need to be released from facebook at once. Your puppy pic from three years ago looks exactly the same as your puppy pic from yesterday, etc etc. And fitbit is way too damn chipper with the step goals. Mine must know better – I was at 9700 last night and it didn’t even try.
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OMG! The toy packages! Not only are they super hard to open, but they are so frickin’ wasteful! Just put a picture of the toy on a regular cardboard box already!
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I have a love/hate relationship with my FitBit too. Ugh.
And flies. Hate them!
I haven’t heard of that Amazon thing. I imagine when we move to Texas we might have that option. I’ll have to look into it.
I love doing these letters. I haven’t done them in a bit. Maybe one day.
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Yes, yes, yes, a hundred times yes, on the letter to the laundry. I can’t STAND laundry!! Argh…
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LOVE THIS! Especially the group chat one!
Dear iPhone,
Thank you for making the “Do Not Disturb” function on group chats.
Love, Me
P.S. Don’t write back.
Great read!
for real though, the drivers. WHY. or people who need to stop completely to turn into a gas station or something. i am going to hit someone accidentally because i keep expecting them to i don’t know, know how to fucking drive. also, i hate laundry.
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