So, remember when I wrote that I have little to no self-confidence? It’s still true; nothing’s happened to change that. But since that post, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my lack of self-confidence. Some of that thinking has involved trying to improve upon it. And some of that thinking has revolved around that fact that, over the years, not having any has actually cost me quite a bit of money.
I never realized how much my self-confidence affects my daily life. Every day, I’m faced with situations that are directly impacted by my level of self-confidence. Let’s examine a few:
- Customer service. I can’t count how many times I’ve received bad customer service. Whether it’s a restaurant or a bank or dealing with a corporation like my cable company, I am like a bad customer service magnet. I get treated poorly, get accused lying (this actually happened. The company that handles our dependent care account accused us of not using the daycare that we use), or are just plain ignored (this also happened. At several jewelry stores. While engagement ring shopping). Rather than asserting myself and demanding better service or a better deal, I just accept what I’m given. It’s as if I believe that I’m being treated the way I’m supposed to be.
- At work. Although I received—and believe I earned—a fairly substantial promotion 4 years ago, there were numerous times that I doubted I deserved it (well, this had a lot to do with the horrible woman I worked for). Even though I was hired due to a certain level of expertise, I didn’t believe that I had the authority to exhibit or use that expertise. Additionally, I don’t feel that I deserve a position higher than what I currently have. My supervisor is retiring, and I will not be applying for his position. One of the reasons is that I don’t believe I’ll be a very good supervisor. As a result, I’m losing out on what some would consider a significant pay raise.
- Freelancing. We’ve already covered that I’m terrified of self-employment and one of the reasons is finding clients. I have an extremely difficult time with self-promotion which, as my freelancing friends can attest to, is a huge part of being a successful freelancer. For some reason, I cannot find it within myself to say that not only am I awesome but I’m totally worth that money you’re willing to pay (and maybe more). I don’t know how many freelance assignments I’ve missed out on or how underpaid I’ve been for some of them because I just couldn’t ask for more.
- Relationships. Those of you who know me will contest this, but I am not very outgoing. I am not someone who is comfortable in new situations or around new people. I’m not a big conversation starter and new people make me really, really nervous. As a result, I don’t have a huge group of friends. I don’t get invited to those crazy purse parties (which actually is a really good thing) or to girls’ night out. I’m not part of a book club or have friends to go get mani/pedis with. While these do save me tons of money it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t have many friends because I don’t think I’m worthy of having friends. So I don’t put myself out there to make friends. It’s a pretty awful little cycle.
The only times I will break out of my shell and demand better is when it comes to my daughter and my animals. They cannot speak up for themselves so I must step in and do it for them (like The Lorax, only with children and animals instead of trees). I don’t care what people think of me when they’re involved. Because they deserve the best and I will stop at nothing to make sure that that happens. I will not allow myself to be cheated financially or service-wise when the health and well being of my child and my pets is at stake.
I’m sure there are plenty of other instances where I’ve lost money or spent money as a result of my self-confidence. It’s really a shame that I allow this to happen to myself but I’ve been this way for so long, I genuinely don’t know another way to be. I probably should work on fixing this. Soon.
Readers, have you ever spent or lost money due to low self-confidence? Have you ever made money as a result of being confident?
You could be describing my life perfectly! I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been ignored in a shop which then makes me feel like I don’t belong in the shop (because I’m not “good enough”).
I also find that little comments will completely derail my self confidence (ie, once I was trying to buy concert tickets and when I asked how much they were, the seller gave me the once-over and said “you can’t afford them”. I immediately went home and felt horrible about myself).
I had a bad experience with a “friend” a few years back and now, when I meet someone I’m always thinking “I hope that this person doesn’t find me too boring or too loud to be their friend”.
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That’s the kind of obnoxious customer service that I typically get. We were once followed around the jewelry store where we bought my engagement and wedding rings–followed, as in the security guard tailed us the whole time we were in the store–simply because we were in jeans and we pushing a baby in a stroller. I was treated like a criminal simply because I was in jeans. I felt horrible and angry. To this day, I refuse to go back into that store.
I was once told by a friend that being my friend is “too much effort”. I didn’t know how to respond, especially since I hadn’t spoken to her in a year. We’re not friends anymore.
I spent a fortune in my 20’s buying every advertised product I saw in magazines to improve my self-confidence. My closet rivaled any department store. Now I freak out spending full price for an Old Navy shirt!
I think I made more money due to my ignorance than confidence. I successfully wrote grants for a non-profit from 17 – 22 years of age. I’m talking three years worth of operating expenses at a time grants.
I wrote a post of Saturday for later in the week on your point about relationships, or the lack of. I am EXACTLY like you. On Friday night I made a point to introduce myself to a few of the moms on my son’s baseball team and on Saturday I sat with a few moms on my daughter’s softball team and **gasp** participated in conversation! It not only took courage but a great deal of effort. Socializing is hard work for this introvert because I never feel “normal” or like I fit in.
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I know I’m not normal and although I’m fine with it, I think that others may struggle. Especially since I refuse to complain about my finances, my husband or my kid (beyond what’s “normal”). Making new friends is exhausting for me because I feel that when I meet new people, I can’t be myself. I have to put on an act, which I then have to keep up for fear of them seeing the real me. At least I’m a Gemini–I have an excuse!
I can build more my self confidence with Relationship, I used to have more conversations with others and I’m always a positive thinker.
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Hey Jana, I’m a regular lurker (formerly a WIR), but I wanted to come out of the shadows to comment on this post, especially the customer service bit. I’ve worked in various customer service roles for over 10 years and the one thing guaranteed to wind me up is people being ignored or treated poorly due to confidence. I have been known to chew out managers for poor behaviour when I’m next in line!
Have you considered becoming a mystery shopper at all? I’m not sure what it’s like in the US, but here (UK) it’s as much or little as you want to do, mediocre pay, but you get paid to do your shopping and if they treat you badly you get to shout to the higher ups about it. In detail. With names, descriptions and times. 🙂 Also, I swear that since I started I’ve begun to radiate a “mystery shopper” aura when I go into stores. While this is a pain when I’m actually working, if I’m just on my own business it’s great – the snooty lady in the posh jewellery store looks me up and down, sees jeans, looks again and is suddenly all attentive and polite…
Sorry for the long post, but it’s something I feel strongly about. Keep writing, I love reading your tales and tips!
It’s a good suggestion and I have a friend who does it (and loves it) but it’s really not for me. I think that more stores need to be spot checked for their customer service. I suppose I can do the next best thing–write about it on my blog 🙂
I’m not the only one! I’m so glad I popped over and read this post, I really thought I was the only one out there. What you really need to keep an eye on is developing social anxiety because this, that will just make things WAY worse. Thanks so much for sharing this, Jana. 🙂
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Thanks for the warning, Jen! I don’t think I’m at the point where I’ll develop social anxiety but most times, keeping to myself is a lot easier. I have major trust issues so that plays into it a lot as well.
I’ll politely decline getting mani/pedis with you, but put me down in your event calendar for green drinks anytime. 🙂
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No mani/pedis? Are you sure? I think you’d look good with red nail polish!
I have sworn off green drinks but can you pencil me in for the drinks of the beer variety?
When I was a little kid I’d bring a bag of candy to school every day, which I thought was to share with my friends… turns out it was “to rent friends.” I may have gone a bit too far in the other direction lately, though, because confidence is definitely not an issue and I’m apparently the most assertive (READ: aggressive) guy when it comes to “show me the money” moments… haha
But we all fall into the self confidence game that costs us money. Sometimes all you need to do is before you go into a meeting, negotiation, etc., is to think about how you look “on paper.” “On paper,” you’re a working mother and wife who runs a popular blog and can’t post any thoughts without a bunch of people taking time to respond in the comments below… (you or I could go on by adding “on paper” stats). Sometimes that gives you the little confidence boost to help you accomplish your goals for the meeting, etc.
I love the “on paper” method…
Sorry for the long comment… building confidence is something I’m a bit passionate about…
Thanks, Nick! I’ve never thought of using that type of method. But to bring it back around, I’d probably write it “on paper” and then not even bring it up because I think what I’ve said (or written) is ridiculous. I am the WORST at talking about my accomplishments.
This post really made me think about my current work situation. Right now I’m staying at my job for a couple of reasons, but really I think the biggest issue for me is fear/low-self confidence (what if I can’t find a new job? what if my next job is a lower salary, what if I have less responsibility?). Those doubts are certainly holding me back and something I need to work on if I’m ever going to leave this position. I appreciate you being so honest with this post. I think low self-confidence much more common (especially for women) then most people think.
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I lost money due to low self confidence. Happened to me this morning actually. I went to a local breakfast place and ordered my meal with extra sausages in my meal. When I received my plate I was disappointed to notice that I did not have my extra of sausages. I did not say a word, although I should have.
Now this was only with a few dollars but could have easily been with much more.
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