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Living life from cover to cover

How am I turning into my mother? Let me count the ways.

by Jana 26 Comments

Today’s my mom’s birthday. I don’t talk too much about my parents or siblings for various reasons but today I have a good one for breaking that general rule since today we’re going to discuss all the ways I’m actually turning into my mother.

 To be clear, there are worse people I could turn into. My mom is a pretty great person so there’s nothing I’m necessarily ashamed of when I open my mouth and my mother comes out. It’s just fucking weird.

Let’s assess.

  • I burst into song in the middle of conversations. If I don’t do it out loud, you can bet there’s a concert going on in my head. My mom does this except  100% of the time she will sing, even if you’re still talking.
  • My mother will strike up conversations with anyone, anywhere. I do this, too.
  • You know those people who cropdust in stores? My mother is one of them. Also me now.
  • Getting teary eyed at the smallest, most mundane things. Mostly my heart and soul are black but if the right commercial or song or TV character death comes along, add instant tears.
  • When it comes to meal planning, I cook a shit ton of chicken. My mother made so much chicken when I was growing up, it prompted my father to tell her he was going to sprout feathers. I think the husband is one chicken parm away from this same comment.
  • Pregnancy brain. We’re both severely afflicted. Even if we’re not currently pregnant and, in my mom’s case, her youngest is 28.
  • A high level of yenta-ness. My mother loves town gossip and sticking her nose into other people’s business even from afar. I consider this my Jedi training and why I am amazing at clandestine viewing of the neighbors.
  • We’re both huge bookworms. I have nothing snarky to say about this because books.
  • Math. She can’t do it and neither can I. Especially when it comes to a checkbook. Why yes, 8 minus 6 does equal 3. It’s the new math.
  • I spend approximately 8 million hours complaining that laundry is my life. Guess where I learned that?  
  • And then there’s also this concern

Happy birthday, Mom!! I’m so glad you weren’t born on a leap year because that would be confusing!

Are you guys turning into one of your parents? Is it just me?

Grammy thoughts

by Jana 15 Comments

If you want a full recap of the Grammys, my girl Erin has a good one. If you want a full list of snarky comments about the Grammys, then stay here.

This past Sunday was music’s crowning night–the Grammys. As a fan of music, I always look forward to this show if for nothing more than the performances. I love seeing talented performers from various genres coming together and singing and playing and showcasing just how amazing they can be. I don’t put much stock in the awards for reasons that are boring, and like all awards shows, the banter between presenters plucks every one of my nerves but I can usually deal with it because performances.

This year, though, left me feeling all kinds of ways. Here’s a few of my thoughts, not in chronological order of the show because I’m old and it happened a few days ago.

Oh, look. Taylor’s opening the show. What a fucking surprise. The only other surprise would be if Beyonce opened.

I love LL. He’s the only one who should host this show forever and ever.

OOOH! A tribute to Lionel Richie! I like Lionel Richie!

Is it just me or is Demi Lovato completely oversinging? She has a good voice but this isn’t doing it for me. Also, is she the one dating Fez from That 70s Show? I can’t tell the difference between a lot of these pop singers.

I don’t know any of these songs. At all. Maybe one or two. But if this is any indication of the state of music, I’m glad I live in a rock music bubble. Because this shit sucks.

HELLOOO, guy singing with Carrie Underwood. You are pretty to look at (no, Husband, I don’t care that he went to the Kansas City Chiefs’s training camp. But that is a fun little fact I will file away).

Does Ariana Grande have a cold? She sounds stuffy. Poor girl.

I’m not quite sure what Kendrick Lamar just said but his performance was pretty cool.

Did I just not hate Bieber’s performance? I can’t tell anyone that. It’ll have to be my secret shame.

Oh, this tribute to Glenn Frey is making me teary. Even if Jackson Browne just screwed up the lyrics.

FINALLY!! I get to see what all the fuss is about with Hamilton.

I totally get what all the fuss is about with Hamilton!! (checks broadway.com for tickets and realizes that I’ll probably never see Hamilton)

Alabama Shakes just won for best rock record? Who the fuck is Alabama Shakes?

What the hell was up with that Gwen Stefani song? It started off fun and reminding me of 90s Gwen but then it crapped out. And I want to understand the video but I think I’m too old to process all that.

Pink is covering “White Rabbit”?! Badass woman covering badass woman? Erin and I were on point with those selections!!! WE SHOULD BE VOTING ON THE AWARDS. (note: this was in a commercial. It’s okay if you missed it)

Elle King didn’t win anything. Disappointing.

Well, look at that. Meghan Trainor won Best New Artist. I wonder if that Best New Artist curse will apply to her.

Adele’s having some tech difficulties but I don’t care because I am mesmerized by the talent of her hair and makeup people. They should win an award because her hair and makeup always look amazing.

I am really enjoying Gaga’s performance. I’m glad she’s doing it because I really appreciate how seriously she takes her performing responsibilities.

Why is all the rock music stuff buried at the end of the show? Annoying.

Hollywood Vampire is a weird supergroup and the best thing I can say about that performance was a) glad to see Lemmy getting a tribute; b) Johnny Depp CAN hang with them; and c) at least now when I say that at the end of the day my makeup makes me look like Alice Cooper, the youngsters will know what I’m talking about.

It's this, in case you still don't know what I mean.
It’s this, in case you still don’t know what I mean.

Oh. There’s the Beyonce appearance we all knew was coming.

What did Bruno Mars just shout? Does he think they’re besties now because they performed together at the Super Bowl?

YES, TAYLOR!!! That was the best “fuck you” to Kanye ever!!!

I hate myself for staying up to watch the whole thing, especially with this closing performance. Joe Perry playing guitar with Pitbull is like a second rate version of Slash playing guitar for Janet Jackson (on “Black Cat”) and Sofia Vergara dancing around dressed like a taxi while douchebag Robin Thicke sings a few notes is basically the worst choice ever.

Also, overheard at my house while watching the show with The Child:

Child: Is that a tribute to Richie Lionelson?

Husband: Lionel Richie. Richie Lionelson works in a bowling alley.

Did you guys watch the Grammys? What did you think?

 

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This is why I like being an adult

by Jana 20 Comments

*I figured that since a third grade writing assignment was the inspiration for this post, I’d title it like a third grader. Writer’s block tip: When stuck for an idea, use your child’s homework*

The Child recently had an assignment at school where she had to write a persuasive (or opinion. I can’t remember but probably opinion) essay on whether she prefers being a kid or whether she’d like to be an adult. Because she’s 9 she picked being a kid. Her main reasons? You don’t have to pay bills or run boring errands.

She has a valid point. That stuff sucks.

But, given the choice between being a kid or being an adult, I’m picking an adult. Every. Single. Time. Why? Simple.

As an adult, I get to do what I want, when I want. 

via GIPHY

Swearing with abandon.

Beer.

Eating cold leftover Chinese food for breakfast. Or pizza. Or ice cream. Or Doritos.

Doing things. Or not doing things. not doing things

My money, my choices.

Wearing whatever I feel like (oh, and that school who’s trying to regulate what parents wear to AM dropoff? Fuck you).

Having zero tolerance for crappy people and not having to force myself to be around them.

Not giving a shit.

Having to go somewhere simply because someone tells me to.

Voting.

via GIPHY

A driver’s license that doesn’t require someone else to be in the car with me. Or time limits on restrictions on where I can go.

Making my own, independent decisions.

Books that don’t require a book report, analyzing symbolism, or general crappiness. Basically, reading for fun.reading and tv

Being able to understand just how awesome it is to shirk every single responsibility you have in favor of a nap and a good binge watching session.

I realize that adulting is hard. It sucks at times. Responsibilities are no fun and getting up early to go to work can suck a fat one and watching my money go to bills and cleaning the house and cooking dinner get repetitive and exhausting.

But given the choice between doing all the crappy adult stuff and living life as a kid, I’m living as an adult.

We have beer here.

P.S. A whole bunch of adults contributed to this really great post with instructions on adulting. I’m one of them.

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Pop culture things older than me

by Jana 35 Comments

The other day, while talking to a friend, it dawned on me that my age (38) is closer to 50 than 21. And that 50 really no longer seems that old (I mean, it seems a little old but not intimidating old like 30 did when I was a kid. Or in my 20s). And that freaked me out. Because does that mean I’m old???

I think maybe it does, a little.

So I got to brainstorming all the things that are older than me, and are still relevant and/or popular and are not historical landmarks or things of that ilk, just to make myself feel a little better.

This is what I came up with.

Star Wars (it’s true! The first one came out like a week before I was born so it totally counts)

Rocky

Saturday Night Live

George Clooney. Matt Damon. Kyle Chandler. Wentworth Miller.

Amy Poehler. Tina Fey. Kristen Wiig. Meryl Streep.

Dr. Who

James Bond

Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart. But let’s face it, they’re basically the definition of timeless and awesome

Sesame Street

The Beatles. Led Zeppelin. Rush.

A whole lot of really important, popular, and groundbreaking books. For example: The Catcher in the Rye. The Diary of Anne Frank. Where the Sidewalk Ends. How To Win Friends and Influence People. 

Rolling Stone magazine. The New Yorker. Time.

Baseball, football, basketball, hockey, and all the other sports.

Apple (it’s true! Jobs and Wozniak formed the company in 1976)

Monopoly. The Game of Life. Clue.

Also of note: Elvis has been dead almost as long as I’ve been alive. I don’t know why I felt the need to include this but yet, here it is.

There you have it. A not at all complete list of the things that are older than me.

I don’t know that it makes me feel better, per se, but it certainly puts it into perspective.

Am-I-getting-older-or-has-the-supermarket-begun...

 

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33 thoughts I had watching the World Series as a Mets fan

by Jana 29 Comments

I just spent the better part of the past week watching the World Series. Here’s what went through my head, in no particular or logical order:

OMG, we’re in the World Series!!!

O.M.G. WE’RE IN THE WORLD SERIES. I hope this ends well.

Who the fuck is Andy Grammer? Oh, he did a great job singing the national anthem. I bet Billy Joel will be better because BILLY JOEL.

WAS THAT AN INSIDE THE PARK HOME RUN OFF THE FIRST PITCH IN GAME 1??!

This is not going to end well if that’s how we’re starting the series.

Did the last few days cool their momentum? I think it might have. I don’t understand why they couldn’t start the series a few days earlier since both teams were done way before Tuesday. Stupid TV rules.

My sister was not alive the last time the Mets were in the World Series. I remember watching the games. I’m really fucking old.

Really, Fox? A worldwide broadcast and you didn’t think to maybe have a backup energy source? It’s okay, though, because at least now we don’t have to listen to Joe Buck. #everyonewins

Holy hell, if I see one more Matthew McConaughey Buick commercial I’m going to scream. These are the worst commercials ever. Who thought these were a good idea? That person should be fired.

I cannot look at Jacob deGrom’s hair anymore. I want to send him a bucket full of hair ties. Pull that shit back, man!

So we lost the first two games. We’re going back to New York now. They’ll do better at home.

SEE?! I knew Billy Joel would do a great job singing the Star Spangled Banner.

Noah Syndergaard means business because DAMN. That was a hell of a way to send a message to the Royals that he’s not fucking around.

Did we just win a game?! We did! We’re coming back, bitches!

I stand corrected. The Norm MacDonald Colonel Sanders commercials are the worst ones ever. They actually hurt to watch.

Oh, Steven Matz is a Long Island boy, playing for the Mets. How cute is that?

Just how many broken bats have there been so far?

I wonder which is higher–my cat’s body count or the number of broken bats in this series. I’ll bet it’s close.

We might win this game, too!!

How old is that pitcher?! I could be his mother.

I have never heard so much nonsense come out of one person’s mouth? Did Harold Reynolds really just compare playing baseball to a rat getting cheese? I seriously can’t listen to these people. It’s almost as stupid as Alex Rodriguez saying that if the Mets catch the ball, they’ll win. #icandotheirjob

CONFORTO!!!

CONFORTO AGAIN!!! The rookie is kicking some serious ass.

Oh, hey, look at that. Daniel Murphy just fucked up. And now we’re losing. Awesome.

If I could ever have a time when I could read people’s minds, I’d love for it to be right now. Because what are they thinking???

Okay. We’re down 3-1. We can still pull this off and send it back to Kansas City. Then again, if Kansas City wins, a) I can finally get some sleep and b) at least the Royals don’t have the luxury of winning at home. Good luck to them, being the winning team in New York.

Matt Harvey is on fire! Also, he looks like Rob Riggle. I think I might be the only one who sees that. But it’s so obvious!!

Top 9, we’re winning by two. We’re going to win another!!!

Oh, hey, look at that. Lucas Duda fucked up. At least we can stop (sort of) scapegoating Murphy.

We’re going into extra innings. Again. Splendid.

A five run 12th? Who does that? We’re fucked. There is no way we’re winning this year.

Being a Mets fan is the most exhausting thing I’ve ever done.

In case you missed the news, the Mets did lose the World Series. But they made mistakes which I won’t bother to bore you with, KC took advantage of them and overall, played better baseball. It was still a hell of a season for the Mets. I, and I think most other Mets fans, never expected them to come this far and they made us proud. 

Here’s to next year! 

P.S. Congratulations to the Kansas City Royals and all their fans. Well deserved and well done.

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