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The one in which I’m way too cranky

January 21, 2015 by Jana 14 Comments

I don’t know if it’s the weather, my depression, the fact that I can’t get enough sleep or something else that’s been causing my crabby mood lately but for the last few weeks, everyone and everything has been getting on my nerves.

Here’s a sample:

The cell phone service in my house. It sucks a fat one. I have to get a landline now because #paranoid. I’m so afraid something is going to happen to me or the child and no one will be able to get in touch with me that I have to add this unnecessary service to my life. So now, when anyone asks you if you know anyone who still has a landline you can say you do because Verizon Wireless can’t get its shit together and work properly where I live.

Doctors. I’ve been going to a doctor to deal with some lady problems and this one ordered a test to check my Vitamin D level. It’s low. Really low. So low I’m on a prescription to bring it up to something even remotely reasonable. I’m livid that, after years of telling my primary doctor about some problems, she never bothered to order this test and if she had, I might not have some of the issues I do. I want to bring the test results into her office, wave them in her face and impolitely scream, “I told you something was wrong, bitch!”

My daughter’s cheer coach. Good grief, this woman causes more drama than an episode of Chicago Fire if the cast of Mean Girls showed up. I cringe whenever I see her and if her emails didn’t contain drips of important information, I’d delete them and pretend I never saw them. She has no business being around little kids like, at all, ever, and I cannot wait until March when this season is over.

The guy from the insurance company who showed up unannounced to take pictures of my house with no authorization from either me or my husband. Dude, you just don’t do that. And telling me the dog is cute does not make up for the fact that you are basically a creeper.

TV. Why are all the good shows ending this year? I don’t have the patience to scope out new shows for the ones that don’t suck and then commit.

People who don’t text or email back but post on social media. There should be a special prison for them.

Writer’s block. Specifically with blog posts. I have dozens of ideas, with many of them outlined, but when I sit down to write, they turn to shit. That’s how this post happened. It started as a rant on the pressure moms (and women, but specifically moms) have to be hot and perfect and then it started to make no sense. Maybe we’ll try again for Friday.

My dog. He needs to stop eating my child’s toys. Also my child needs to do a better job of picking up her toys so said dog does not eat them. It’s a vicious cycle.

The announcement that NKOTB will be on tour with TLC and Nelly. I don’t understand this pairing. My brain doesn’t know which of my past age groups should be excited. The middle schooler? The high schooler? The college student? #waytooconfused Oh, and it’s in the round. Because of course it is.

Anyone who puts me in a FB group that sells a product and doesn’t ask my permission first. Let me be clear: you’re all my enemies now.

What are you guys cranky about?

Linking up with Melissa for Humpday Confessions:

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Pillow talk

January 14, 2015 by Jana 28 Comments

Romance novels and movies have perpetuated this stereotype that at night, couple lay awake, talking to each other about their hopes, dreams, likes, and all the other saccharine sweet stuff that makes you feel like you’ll never connect with someone on that deep of a level.

Let me clear something up.

It’s all bullshit.

And that is why I bring you another installment of Shit My Husband Says: Pillow Talk edition.

Sure, in the beginning, you might have deep conversations, but after being 18+ years into a relationship, this is what your late night chatter really sounds like:

Husband (sticking out his hand, for me to shake): I have a deal for you.

Me: I’m not shaking your hand. I don’t know what you’re going to say and I don’t trust you.

Husband: I promise, it’s nothing bad. I just…have a deal.

Me (with piqued curiosity because this is the man who came home with a truckload of free rocks one time): I’m not shaking your hand. But I do want to know what you’re talking about.

Husband: It involves bread products.

Me: What?

Husband: Well, co-worker’s husband has some free time on his hands when he’s not working. He likes to just stop by places and check out what’s happening. He talks to people. He’s like me. A man about town.

Me: You’re a man about town now? Do you need theme music?

Husband (blatantly ignoring me): Anyway. On one of his stops, he found out that there’s a truck that delivers bread products and leaves them out for people to take for free. I can get us some.

Me: You know that’s there for people who actually need it, right? And aren’t you on a low carb diet? What do you need bread products for?

Husband: It’s for you and Erica. So do you want me to procure them or not?

Me: Not. We’re not taking food away from people who can really use it. And “procure”? Really?

Husband: But no one really knows about it. So it just sits there. I can get the bread products and then they won’t go to waste.

Me: I can post about it. Get the word out.

Husband: Just don’t mention where we live. We don’t want competition for the bread products.

Me (befuddled that he clearly doesn’t understand the concept of “getting the word out”): Stop saying “bread products”. It’s annoying. And we won’t have competition. Because you don’t need to ask him to pick some up for us.

Husband (ignoring everything I’ve said): Okay. But when I come home with bread products, don’t think I stole them.

At that point, I said good night and rolled over and went to bed.

Because sometimes, I just can’t with him.

Romance isn’t dead in my marriage but it’s definitely taken a long vacation.

And I’m willing to bet you’re feeling a little better about your relationship right about now.

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Currently

January 9, 2015 by Jana 22 Comments

Given the serious nature of the this week’s posts, as well as some of the ones I have planned for the upcoming weeks, and the fact that I had a pretty prolonged absence, I thought I’d share with you guys what’s currently going on in my life.

Currently…I’ve been feeling old. Not only have I been getting notifications for my twenty year high school reunion but John Smoltz, Craig Biggio, Randy Johnson, and Pedro Martinez–players who I watched when I was in my teens and twenties–were elected to the baseball Hall of Fame, Green Day is going into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and I have shirts older than college freshmen. I also find it mildly alarming that when I hear someone is 50, that is less shocking than finding out someone is 25 even though my age, 37, is in the middle. Pardon me while I weep for a minute.

Currently…I’ve been binge watching The Shield and Rescue Me. Like I wondered with The Wire, I genuinely don’t know what I was thinking when I didn’t watch these during their live runs. I might be getting less done during the day and at night, but it’s worth it. If you don’t have the time for two, start with Rescue Me. It’s freaking fantastic and Sean Garrity, played by Steven Pasquale (who can also sing his ass off and the next time he is on Broadway, I WILL be going to see him. And for those who watch current TV, which I clearly do not, he’s on this season of The Good Wife) is in my top 5 TV characters of all time. The show is worth watching simply for him and his banter with Mike the probie is reminiscent of Matt and Landry from FNL and that’s some of the best ever. We just finished Season 4 and it was kind of a mess but I’m not giving up on it. Mainly because of Garrity. I’m not ready to let him leave my life yet.

Currently…I love this hand lotion. I wish Bath and Body Works made all the things in this scent. I would buy all of it. In vats and gallons. Even the body wash. And I don’t use scented body wash.

Currently…I am in the middle of Cary Elwes’s book As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales from the Making of The Princess Bride. I’ll have a detailed review in next week’s Show Us Your Books linkup (on Tuesday, January 13). All I can say now is this is closing in on joining the ranks with Rick Springfield’s and Nikki Sixx’s memoirs as my favorite celebrity memoirs. I’m also reading The Journalist and The Murderer, which is supposed to be a book that Serial fans would enjoy. And you guys know I love me some Serial. I don’t quite know how I feel about the book yet.

Currently…I cannot believe that Dobie is 9 today. My daughter calls him a goat because he eats EVERYTHING (and that once resulted in a very expensive, late night trip to the emergency room) but he is the sweetest, most lovable dog ever. He loves to play fetch and run in the snow and ride in the car and give kisses and has no future as a guard dog but that’s okay. I could not be happier that he’s part of our family.

Currently…I’m trying to warm up because holy fuck is it cold and I don’t like the cold. I haven’t felt my toes in about 2 days despite wearing socks and slippers. Even my outdoor cat is refusing to stay outside. This coldness is bullshit.

Currently…I’m happy to be writing again. It feels good.

I think that about covers it. Have a great weekend! See you on Monday!

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Thank you, Kurt Sutter

December 16, 2014 by Jana 5 Comments

Hey Kurt,

Can I call you Kurt? I feel like I can. You don’t seem like someone who goes by “Mr. Sutter” but then again, maybe you are and if that’s the case, then please pretend I started this by saying “Hi, Mr. Sutter” or “Dear Mr. Sutter” or something else formal.

I’ve been tossing around the idea of writing this after I watched the finale of Sons of Anarchy (as an aside, thanks for punching me right in the heart AND stomach with that one) but it seemed kind of weird, me writing you a letter on the internet for all the world (or more likely, my 14 readers) so I waited and then I thought about it some more and I realized that weird is right up your alley and here we are.

I know you’ve heard this countless times but it bears repeating: Sons of Anarchy is one of the best shows on television. Ever. Period. I never thought I’d find myself obsessing over a motley, violent gang of bikers led by Lloyd from Undeclared but I do. Daily. Still. And when anyone asks what shows I recommend, SOA leads the pack along with Friday Night Lights and Freaks and Geeks (I know. These shows make no sense as a group. On the surface. How they fit together is a discussion all by itself), and I thank you, along with the creators of the other two shows, for changing not only the way I watch television but for changing my expectations for what makes great TV.

I’m pretty sure other shows I watch from here on out are screwed. It’s a good thing I’m no one of significance instead of a TV critic.

I digress.

So, in addition to forever altering TV for me (and thousands of others, I’m guessing), here’s a few others thank yous I’d like to throw your way:

Thank you for being fucked up enough to create the idea of SOA.
Thank you for being open with all your addiction and career struggles and for continuing to bust your ass until you got hired to write for The Shield. I love that you were around 40 when that happened. I’m nearing 40 myself and I can’t tell you how much inspiration your story gives me.
Thank you for your temper, your Twitter tirades, and your ability to apologize for them when necessary.
Thank you for using cast members from The Shield on SOA. There’s something oddly heartwarming about seeing those familiar faces, even if they get blown up by landmines or sport boobs bigger than mine.
Thank you for turning the idea of what makes a good person on its head. I’ve long believed that doing bad things doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. Jax proved that (even if he couldn’t see it himself).

But most of all, thank you for the seven seasons of Sons of Anarchy. Jax and SAMCRO will take up space in my head and heart for years to come and, much like I always wanted to know if Mr. Vernon did, in fact, know that Barry Manilow raided his wardrobe, I’ll always wonder what happened to Abel and Thomas and if Jax’s actions and choices achieved the desired outcome.

I know there are rumors of prequels and sequels and if they come to fruition, I’ll watch them with the same fanaticism (and maybe some skepticism) I did SOA. And if not, that’s okay, too.

I’ll just keep making up the stories in my head.

I like to think you’d approve of that.

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Random acts of thought

December 11, 2014 by Jana 35 Comments

Christmas is very soon. Hanukkah is even closer. And you know what’s before all of that? My daughter’s birthday. I’m a 100% unprepared for all of it. It’s making me anxious and sad and annoyed and nervous and I really need to get my shit together if I’m going to pull off anything decent in the next two weeks.

Here’s what else is going on:

- I am an emotional wreck over the series finale of Sons of Anarchy. The beautiful disaster that was Jax Teller and SAMCRO is no longer. I’m struggling with the fact that it’s gone and if you watched the finale, please let me know if you’re still reeling from it, too. We can start a support group.
- While we’re talking about shows ending, I’m pretty sure the networks are conspiring against me because almost every show I like to watch is ending this year. But I did just read that Jesse Plemons (Landry from Friday Night Lights and Todd from Breaking Bad) is going to be on Fargo so maybe I’ll try that one to fill the void.
  He’s the guy in the middle.
- On the plus side, with all the shows I like to watch not airing anymore, I’ll have a ton more free time to read the 80 billion books I have on reserve from the library that have all come in at once. I have literally thousands of pages to read. I can fortify an entire city with the amount of books stacked on my nightstand.
- That fact makes me think I need an e-reader. I have the Kindle app on my iPad but I can’t access the Kindle store on Amazon, rendering that part of my Amazon Prime subscription useless. I don’t like wasting money, and I really don’t like not being able to access something that would give me books. But I have no idea which version of the Kindle to buy. TOO MANY CHOICES.
- You know what goes well with books? Coffee. I don’t really drink coffee but I do drink tea. Lots of tea. One of my favorites is chai tea. And I’ve figured out that if you put french vanilla coffee creamer in chai tea, it’s extra delicious. I found a homemade version on Pinterest. It’s 3 ingredients: 1 can sweetened evaporated milk, 1 1/2 cups milk, and 2 tsp vanilla. Use fat free milk (both kinds) for a lower fat version. You can read the full instructions here.
- Remember how I said that John Krasinski would make the perfect Lincoln if Rainbow Rowell’s book Attachments was made into a movie? I changed my mind. Jason Segel would be better. Or Ryan Hurst (I told you I wasn’t over Sons of Anarchy). I recognize that they’re older than Lincoln is supposed to be but they can pass for younger.
- I need a new tagline for my blog. Please leave any suggestions in the comments. There’s no prize for winning except my everlasting gratitude.
- Speaking of prizes, congrats to my friend Revanche from A Gai Shan Life for winning the Amazon gift card giveaway!!! Also, she has some of the best tweets ever so make sure you go and follow her (that’s not part of the prize package; that’s just a personal endorsement because she cracks me up daily).
- Have you been following along with me and Nadine on Instagram and our #inthedrawer challenge? If you haven’t, here’s some of what you’re missing:

- I’m currently obsessed with this song and video. It is everything.

Thanks for listening. Come back tomorrow. My daughter is guest posting. You won’t want to miss it.

Oh! And if you didn’t already see it, I’m guest posting over at Life According to Steph so you should go read that, too, because two posts from me in one day is definitely better than one!

Linking up with Kristin and Joey for Stuff and Things

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The one in which I’m way too cranky

Pillow talk

Currently

Thank you, Kurt Sutter

Random acts of thought

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