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Lies I tell myself

June 10, 2015 by Jana 39 Comments

My husband has been away for work for the better part of the past week and since my child keeps inviting friends over, I’ve been housebound which leaves me lots of time to binge watch The Fall (creepy as fuck. Watch it if that’s what you’re into) and have conversations with myself. I’ve written before about all the things I think when I’m alone but let’s revisit that topic, specifically lies I tell myself when my husband is away:

What I say: I’m going to get so much done! I’m going to be so productive! I’ll catch up and even get ahead!

What actually happens: Oh, hello, Netflix.

What I say: I will not freak out over every small noise, creek or thump. My unrealistic paranoia will stay in check!

What actually happens:

What I say: I will not eat my body weight in cheese sandwiches and pickles.

What actually happens: I eat my body weight in cheese sandwiches and pickles.

What I say: I will go to bed early and sleep restfully, comfortably and without interruption!

What actually happens: The child and the dogs steal my bed and I’m left seriously debating if I should move them or just sleep on the couch.

What I say: The child and I will spend quality time together doing projects and talking and playing games.

What actually happens: She hangs out with her friends. I spend time with books and Netflix.

What I say: I will clean the house and do all the laundry and run all the errands so when he comes home, we can just hang out and have fun over the weekend instead of doing all that adulting crap.

What actually happens: I spend a substantial amount of hours on Goodreads, internet shop and pretend like we’re rich and I can buy all the things.

What I say: Everyone will be so calm and peaceful and it’ll be so relaxing to not have to monitor the husband’s ridiculous work schedule for an entire week.

What actually happens: I live in a fucking circus.

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#allaboutme

June 3, 2015 by Jana 34 Comments

Birthday week continues so we’re going to talk all about me because that’s what you do during birthday week. Today, I’m going to share random facts you might or might not already know but I figured I’d hashtag the shit out of them for extra fun.

My parents’ 41st wedding anniversary was on Monday and, because my birthday is so close to their anniversary, I tell them that I’m the best anniversary present ever (I also use this as justification for not getting them presents on a regular basis because really, how do you top your own birth? That’s right. You can’t. So I don’t). #ididitonpurpose

I was in a sorority in college. Delta Gamma, for those who are curious. #notallsororitygirlsarevapid

I have a dual undergraduate degree in criminal justice and sociology. I have a master’s in public policy. While I don’t work in those fields anymore, this explains nonfiction books I read and discuss. #iusedtobesmart #ipickedthewrongmajor

I don’t chew gum. #hurtsthejaw

I also do not eat anything orange flavored, including oranges and all of its cousins like clementines and tangerines. I don’t even like the way they smell and, confession time, when my daughter asks me to peel one for her, I tell her no. #worstflavorever #exceptforcoconut

When I was a kid, my best friend was named Rachael. Her mom is the one who taught me how to tie my shoes and she taught me to use bunny ears. I still tie my shoes that way. #bunnyearsarebetterthanloopswoopandpull

I have broken bones, gotten stitches, and once, I got hit in the face with a line drive that earned me two black eyes and 3 days home from school. #battlescarsmakegoodstories

I failed my road test 4 times. Passed on the fifth. #parallelparkingishard

Two of my favorite teachers in high school were science teachers. #butistillhatescience

The first concert I went to was New Kids on the Block and Tiffany. The first concert I went to by myself (with friends, no parents) was Warrant and Poison. The last concert I went to was Rush. #evolutionoftaste #istilllistentoallofthem

The only one of the main 4 professional sports I have not seen live is basketball. I have no plans for that either. #squeakingsneakersdrivemecrazy

Now that you know more than you ever cared to about me, share a random fact of two about you!

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Stuff, things, things, stuff

May 28, 2015 by Jana 29 Comments

It’s been awhile so let’s link up with Kristin and Joey today.

Yesterday was lady doctor day. I treated myself to a s’mores frappuccino when I was done because that’s totally what you do after you go to the lady doctor. It’s also what you do for no reason at all because those things are delicious.

Hey there, turtle. You can kindly go away now.

Yesterday was also do battle with a turtle day because OF COURSE there was a turtle on the outside of my fence when I got home from the doctor. Big son of bitch, too. This living in the country thing gets less and less appealing every day. It’s why I never leave the house. Not because I don’t want to deal with people (which I don’t) but because nature can go fuck itself.

And the icing on the shitcake that was yesterday? My car needs 4 new tires. FOUR. We thought it was just 2 and had budgeted for that. But now we need 4. And my car, which is already overdue for the registration renewal, didn’t pass inspection and thus, we could not renew the registration. DMV gave us 10 days to fix the problem. Awesome.

Reader poll–anyone use melatonin to help them sleep? I have terrible sleeping issues and I’ve heard it helps. But I’m curious about anyone’s personal experience with it, good or bad.

I cannot believe my daughter’s last day of second grade is next week. I swear, we just had meet the teacher night last month. I have got to figure out a way to slow down time.

Speaking of school ending, my daughter’s summer homework came home last week. It’s only a reading log and then a small assignment, so I’m not overly annoyed with the fact that she has to do it. But I am a tad bit concerned that the school is still recommending picture books for third graders. Shouldn’t they have moved past those by now? Am I overreacting?

While at my in-laws’ house this past weekend, I had creme brulee flavored coffee. You guys. I do drink coffee now (which is weird) but I’m extremely picky about what I do drink because I still loathe most flavors but this stuff was AMAZING. If you can find some of it near you, get it.

Current events rant: I had a whole post written about the Duggar family but I didn’t post it for various reasons. What I will say is this: I am disgusted and appalled by Josh’s actions, TLC’s blatant disregard for knowledge I am 100% confident they had (not to mention its current silence and inaction, but I guess that makes sense when you’re talking about a cash cow), the homeschool curriculum and organizations the family affiliates with, the number of politicians siding with the family, and the fact that the records have been destroyed. Josh is a vile human being, filled with an unnecessary level of hatred I will never comprehend, and learning about his actions in the context of his beliefs makes me loathe him even more. But I am done trying to make sense of the parents’ course of action after they found out. Not because I support their choices. Not even close. Covering it up was wrong, and showed a complete lack of care and consideration for their daughters and the other victims. But they are so indoctrinated and enmeshed in a cult culture that handles sex abuse in an entirely fucked up manner that, in their minds, they did the right thing. And, much like I had to do with my clients, trying to understand their thought process in the context of my values will only give me a headache. Nothing in that culture, or the Duggar mindset, will change unless they are removed from it and comprehend just how utterly wrong it is. There’s also this–I get that people want to bring them down. I do. They are hypocritical hate mongers with an entirely too big platform on which to spew their vicious rhetoric. Their behavior is reprehensible and, despite the pretty, smiling, color coordinated package they’re wrapped in, you cannot hide the fact that, once they open their mouths away from the cameras, they are repugnant. But bringing them down at the expense of the victims is also reprehensible and I wonder how much thought was given to them when In Touch decided to released the redacted police report (like people couldn’t figure it out). I cannot even imagine what those girls are going through right now and my heart breaks for them. Oh, and did anyone else catch in the police report that they discipline their kids using a rod? Maybe we need to talk about that, too. /rant

And because I need to end on something less serious, this truth:

Let's ignore the word "romantic" because really? And let's focus on the hilarious truth instead. — Let’s ignore the word “romantic” because really? And let’s focus on the hilarious truth instead.

What are some things going on with you?

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You like me! You really like me! At least I think you do…

May 4, 2015 by Jana 40 Comments

If you’re not reading Ali’s blog, you need to get on that. Pronto. She’s hysterical, her observations are dead on balls accurate, and she’s from Long Island so that means she has a special place in my heart (although I live in Delaware, I was born and raised on Long Island). Also, for some reason, she likes this little blog here. In fact, she likes it so much she nominated me for one of those fun blogging awards that go around.

As part of it, she asked me (and other bloggers) 10 questions. I’m going to answer them because why not. I’m also going to post my 10 questions at the end and nominate everyone who has a blog and wants to to answer.

What inspired you to start blogging? Believe it or not, this blog started out as a personal finance blog. I wanted to document our journey out of debt and how we were learning to manage our money and also, I love to write and needed an outlet for it. I eventually tired of writing about money all the time (and admittedly, I wasn’t very good at most of the time) and converted the blog to what you see now. Sorry.
What song do you ABSOLUTELY hate? “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M. That song makes me want to stick sharp objects in my ears.
Have you ever written a blog post that you regret posting? Absolutely, and I’ve since deleted them. There are a few more that need to go because they’re basically shit and not at all reflective of what I want here. But I haven’t done it yet because #lazyblogger
Has your blog ever faced any negativity & if so how did you handle it? If my blog has faced negativity, it’s been behind my back. I’ve been fortunate so far that no one has been openly hostile to my face or in the comments or via hate mail, but I’ve also never had a post go viral so maybe my experience is skewed. I did have a couple of posts featured on The Consumerist which received a few not so nice comments but I just chalked that up to their readers not having a sense of humor.
Who inspires you? This is probably the most difficult question for me to answer. If I’m going the celebrity route, it’s Mindy Kaling, Melissa McCarthy, Amy Poehler…all the ladies you’d expect to see on a list. If I’m going the people I know in real life, I’m going to say I’m inspired by anyone I know–specifically blogger friends–who manage to enjoy life and be all around awesome. Mostly, I’m inspired by people who live their lives for themselves and not for the purpose of impressing anyone else.
What’s in your purse right now? My wallet, phone, crayons and paper, pens, a nail file, few lip balms, hand lotion, my all purpose bag featuring band aids, ibuprofen, tweezers, gauze, etc., antibacterial hand soap, tissues, baby wipes, and my keys. I have a typical mom purse.
What website are you DYING to get featured on or write for, if any? Book Riot, HuffPo, Hello Giggles, and Buzzfeed. Blogger standards, I suppose.
What’s your favorite room in your house/apartment? I’d have to say my living room. It’s good for reading, Netflix binging, napping, and it’s next to the kitchen for convenient snacking.
If there was a movie about your life, who would play you? I can’t think of any short, fat brown haired, brown eyed actresses except for fellow Long Islander Nikki Blonksy but I’m not sure she’s acting any more so maybe Ellen Page even though she’s not fat. I can lose weight. Or she can wear a fat suit. Definitely one of those.
What’s your most embarrassing moment? I don’t know that I have one that’s so mortifying it sticks out in any way. I did have an encounter once with the then-dean of my entire university and after he told me he worked for the school, I asked him what he did. Like I’m supposed to know what he looks like. The husband never lets me forget it and says I should be embarrassed by it. I’m really not but we’ll roll with that one.

Now it’s your turn. Feel free to answer all or some or none of the questions below.

What websites or blog do you read every single day?
If you could attend one awards show, which one would it be?
What is one thing you are deathly afraid of?
What book do you always recommend to people?
Open a playlist on any device you have. Hit shuffle. What are the first 5 songs that come up?
When and where do you blog (as in, at what time of day and in what location)?
What song is your personal anthem?
If you were selected to give a TED Talk, what would be your topic?
What’s your favorite quote or saying?
What is a song, movie, book, or TV show that always makes you cry?

Bonus question: Do you think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?

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And then there was sadness

April 27, 2015 by Jana 30 Comments

On April 4, I found out I was pregnant.

On April 15, I miscarried.

It’s a strange thing, to have your heart full and broken in the span of 2 weeks.

The thing of it is, I was never supposed to be able to get pregnant again on my own. With this pregnancy, we defied the odds!

And then we became a statistic.

Members of a club we never wanted to join.

Miscarriage grief is unlike any other. Because, unlike most other deaths, and it is a death, there’s not necessarily a cause. There isn’t anyone or anything to blame, and there’s no identifiable cause. It’s just something that happens. And without something or someone to blame, it becomes that much harder to comprehend. You want to understand why or how. And you simply can’t.

And then it becomes your dirty little secret. You don’t want to tell anyone because you fear how they’ll look at you or what they’ll say or that they’ll start treating you differently. Because you’ve now somehow become broken or faulty. Now there’s something wrong with you. You’ve become less than.

Less than what, I don’t know. But you feel less than.

And that’s not even the hardest part. The hardest part is having to continue to live your life. Having to continue to live your normal, regular life paying bills and washing dishes and going to work and folding laundry and taking care of those around you who are still alive. To say it’s painful to go about your normal life when a literal part of you is gone is an understatement. You have to go on, though, because life has to go on.

Even if you don’t want it to. And you won’t feel like you want it to. You don’t feel like life will be normal ever again. But every day it does get a little easier. You’ll cry a little less. You’ll be able to eat. You’ll be able to laugh. You’ll have moments where you forget it happened. Then you’ll feel guilty that you forgot or you laughed or didn’t cry. That’s all okay.

Own your guilt.

But then let it go.

Because feeling guilty won’t help you heal. And that’s what needs to happen. You need to heal. It’ll probably take a long time. No one expects you to move on in a few days. Take as long as you need to heal.

But allow yourself to heal.

As for me, everything is still fresh and every day brings a new trigger. I’m still perpetually sad. I’m still working on granting myself permission to heal. I’m still working on looking in the mirror and not seeing swollen, red eyes. I’m still working on forgiving myself and God and whoever else I lashed out at when it happened. I’m still working on letting my husband help me, and I’m working on helping him and our daughter through their grief. I’ve got a long way to go, we all do, but I know eventually, we’ll be okay.

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Lies I tell myself

#allaboutme

Stuff, things, things, stuff

You like me! You really like me! At least I think you do…

And then there was sadness

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