On my old site, Jana Says, I talked extensively about my depression and anxiety issues. They’re a huge part of who I am, even if I don’t want them to be and instead of a monkey on my back, they’re like these two giant, annoying, asshole neighbors who are constantly spying on me, trying to get all up in my business, making everything difficult and most days, impossible to accomplish anything because they’re just…there. They pull up some couch and sit and they never quite know when it’s time to go home. And, being the good hostess I am, I have to entertain them. 

As a result, most days are a huge struggle to even get out of bed. But deep down, I know that I’ll feel even worse if I mope about, staying in bed, not doing anything except Facebook stalking and taking BuzzFeed quizzes (for those who are interested, I should live in Portland, Tina Fey will play me in a movie, I’m a sandwich, and Scooter is my spirit Muppet) so I haul my ass out from underneath my cocoon of covers and dogs and go about my day the best that I can. 

Some days I succeed, some days I don’t. It’s a crap shoot. It all depends on what phrases I tell myself first thing in the morning. Occasionally, I have a Stuart Smalley moment. Most days, I don’t. Negative self-talk is something I am extremely proficient in and even my year of therapy couldn’t change that. I don’t need people to be hard on me because I’m hard enough on myself. You know that song “My Own Worst Enemy”? Yeah, that’s me. Or, even more accurately, this:

While it’s true that I am not one of those people for whom things come easily, and I have to work twice as hard as some people for a third of the results, I know that some of my problems are of my own doing. 

• I shut myself off from people when life get too hard instead of reaching out for help.
• I don’t work as diligently as I should because I get overwhelmed with my to-do list and instead of ticking things off one at a time, I quit.
• My blog and business aren’t growing as fast as I’d like because I’ve told myself no one cares or wants to be part of them (and I’m terrible at self-promotion and instead of getting over my shit, I hide).
• I let myself be overcome with jealousy at others’ successes and tell myself that I’ll never get there because I don’t deserve it.
• I let myself feel intimidated by others’ productivity and ability to manage their time and instead of working on improving, I stop doing everything because I tell myself I can’t keep up so there’s no real sense in trying.

Admittedly, I’m a fucking disaster. Because absolutely none of my problems are the result of anything other than the fact that I have a messed up way of thinking. Because consciously, I know this is all bullshit. I have tangible proof that it’s all bullshit. I have intangible proof that it’s all bullshit. Yet, day after day, I convince myself it’s all true.

If I believe it’s all true, it begs the question–why the hell do I even keep trying? 

That’s a question I ask every day.

Sometimes, I don’t know what keeps me going or why. Other days, I keep trying because I need to prove my demons wrong. I like being right. I like winning arguments. I like telling people to suck it because they didn’t believe in me. I like a good fight. 

And most of all, I keep trying because I want to be different. I want to have a positive self-image. I want to be confident and determined. I want to look in the mirror and be happy instead of overly critical.

That won’t happen if I quit.

Besides, if I quit, what would the pioneers think of me? They didn’t quit because someone else had a better crop or a larger homestead. They didn’t quit because conditions were too harsh or because there were too many chores to do. They didn’t quit because their family in the East didn’t believe in them. If anything, that made them push harder. They fought through everything hard, unpleasant, and ugly. They fought to make a better life for themselves. 

And so I fight. I fight for a better life for myself. Even on the days I fail or I don’t think I deserve it, I fight. 

And since I philosophically refuse to quote Christina Aguilera, I’m using this as my new affirmation instead: