Jana Says

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Summer statistics

by Jana 6 Comments

MY DAUGHTER GOES BACK TO SCHOOL TODAY!!!!

After 12ish (maybe 13) weeks of summer vacation, the school year is upon us. I love my daughter but thank god for school. I need a break from her. She needs a break from me. We need the routine of school. Everyone will be happier.

However, it’s important that we take the time to remember the summer that was. In vague statistics because math is terrible but it’s also the easiest way to break it down. The struggle is real, y’all.

So. The Summer of 2016. In numbers. And in no particular order.

Concerts attended–3. Well, this is sort of cheating because the last one is this Sunday.

Water parks visited–2. Not by me but by the child.

Beach trips–3. I love you, Cape Henlopen State Park

Baseball games attended-3. One minor league, one major league, one in a league not related to MLB (Long Island Ducks. They play in what appears to be a made up league).

Wineries visited–1. Glasses of wine consumed? Lost count.

Tubing trips–1. Never again. One is enough.

Sleepovers and playdates with friends–47? Around that.

TV Shows watched (by me)–4. Mr. Robot, The Night Of, Ray Donovan (binge), Stranger Things (binge)

TV Shows watched (by her)–Not really sure because I won’t let her watch TV with me anymore because fuck you, Teen Nick.

Books read: 21 (by me). 6 (by her).

Mosquito bites obtained–I can’t count that high.

S’mores consumed–I can’t count that high.

Things we didn’t get to do: Hershey Park, Adventure Aquarium, seeing the DC monuments and the Smithsonian, visiting Steph’s beach house. Thankfully there’s still the fall and we’ll be able to do all of this stuff then.

I feel like we really didn’t do a whole lot but I know we did more than what I listed here. Going to the movies, paint your own ceramics, visiting my parents and my in-laws, my husband’s and my trip to Phoenix, cheerleading stuff…I definitely don’t feel like we flittered the summer away but maybe also we did a bit because SO MUCH RAIN. Rain does not make me want to do things.

 

 

 

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Thursday confession: Bad habits with a side of hypocrisy

by Jana 19 Comments

Confession: Sometimes I feel like the world’s biggest hypocrite.

I’m doing my best to raise a happy, healthy (physically, emotionally, mentally) child and I think, for the most part, I’m succeeding. She’s a pretty amazing, confident kid and I know that much of that has to do with me (and the husband. Need to give him credit, too). I like to think I give her good advice and support and encouragement and do what I can to instill healthy habits and from what I can tell, she’s learning them.

The problem is that I don’t follow my own advice. Let’s explore:

What I tell the child: You need to go to bed now. You need a good night’s sleep so you won’t be tired for school/cheer tomorrow.

What I do: Stay up until 2AM reading or plotting how to get my husband to stop snoring without resorting to violence and then get up, exhausted, at 7AM, unable to function at any decent capacity the next day.

What I tell the child: If you have a junky snack now, you need to have a healthy snack later.

What I do: Eat ridiculous amounts of non-healthy snacks throughout the day, sometimes forgetting to eat fruit.

What I tell the child: Clean your room. Make your bed. Pick up after yourself.

What I do: Leave my house a disaster. Forget to dust/vacuum. We won’t discuss the laundry situation.

What I tell the child: If you are having trouble, ask for help.

What I do: Continue to get frustrated and struggle because asking for help is not in my nature. See also: me not wanting to burden anyone with my problems.

What I tell the child: Work hard and practice and you’ll achieve your goals. Don’t set a time limit on achieving something you truly want.

What I do: Set unrealistic time frames and then quit when I realize I’ll never achieve my goals by the arbitrary date I’ve picked.

What I tell the child: Be proud of your accomplishments.

What I do: Never tell anyone anything because I’m 100% confident no one gives a shit.

It goes on like that.

The thing is, I want to follow my own advice because let’s face it, it’s solid advice. The problem is that I cannot get out of my own way to do it. I’d be so much more productive and better at adulting if I could pull my shit together and do what I say. But I’m stuck in old habits and ways of thinking and, despite the fact that I want to completely transform many of these behaviors, I struggle. A lot.

So, I’m asking you guys, what is your best advice for getting out of your own way and changing old, bad habits and behaviors? Because this hypocrite thing? It’s not working for me anymore.

 

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This week in…: Volume 30

by Jana 34 Comments

this week

 

I liked last week’s list format so let’s keep that going.

  1. I finished Girl Waits with Gun, am halfway through Love May Fail, and am still hanging on to A Little Life. The latter is a great book but so damn depressing I’m just not feeling it right now which is why it’s taking me longer than usual to finish. Picked up Hyacinth Girls and In a Dark Dark Wood. Reset my Goodreads goal to 65 (upped from 50, which I completed).
  2. School starts (finally) on Monday. I’m an underachieving mother so don’t expect any back to school posts on how I’m making my daughter’s lunches exciting or any cute outfits because I let her pick out her own clothes and as long as she matches, I truly don’t give a fuck what she wears or how I’m organized for the school year or whatever else it is that ambitious parents write about. I’ll take some pictures on Monday and that will be it. Then I’ll take a nap.
  3. Speaking of naps, I have been ridiculously, overwhelmingly tired this week. I cannot get enough sleep. I’m wondering if maybe the summer has finally gotten the better of me.
  4. YOU GUYS!!! There’s going to be an SOA spinoff!!! Kurt Sutter is developing it, it’s about one of the other gangs, The Mayans, and I CANNOT WAIT!!!
  5. Another week, another Duggar rant. It’s ridiculous at this point. Today, though, we’re not going to give any more attention to Josh (but Josh? Your “rehab”? I call bullshit. It’s nothing but a calculated move to be able to drum up money and draw back fans with your “redemption story”. I’m on to you and those who spawned you) but we are going to talk a bit about Anna. She’s been making headlines lately, thanks to her brother who’s actively trying to get her out of the house, the fact that she’s absorbing the responsibility of Josh’s actions, as well as that viral Facebook post (which I agree with while adding that, unfortunately, there are too many Annas who need that message but will never receive it). My two cents is this–there is nothing wrong with standing by a spouse who cheated on you (adding that we’re going to pretend it’s all he did because when I add in the molestation, it’s too difficult to continue this train of thought). It is okay to seek counseling and work on your marriage and try to move on from the cheating for whatever reasons you might have. Women do it every single day. The difference between Anna and other women is this: Anna has no choice but to stay. Not only is there immense pressure from her family and church leaders to stay but if she leaves, she will consider herself a failure, that she wasn’t godly enough to make her marriage work. For someone who’s been indoctrinated to believe that her self-worth depends entirely upon being a wife and mother, can you imagine the depression she’d endure if she left? How would that help her kids or her self-esteem (which is probably in the toilet already)? And is it productive to scream that she should leave knowing that she has absolutely no means to support herself or the children? So while it’s popular to say she’s weak for standing by that cretin she’s married to, there’s way more to it and I think, maybe, we should give Anna a break and let her deal with what’s happened (note: this is not at all an endorsement of the horrible way she was raised or the archaic belief system she subscribes to. But those beliefs are precisely why there’s a conflict).
  6. And then there was another shooting by another unhinged nutbag the same week the Aurora movie theater shooter (I refuse to acknowledge their names) gets sentenced to roughly a million years in prison. I’m not saying we need to take away all the guns but holy hell, what is it going to take to make some changes?
  7. I leave for Charlotte in about 3 weeks. If anyone knows of anything free or inexpensive to do, or has recommendations for places to eat or bars to visit, please let me know. I’m at a loss.
  8. The child and I went to the beach the other day. We got there early, staked out our spot, and, while we were in the ocean, a family of 23940937 incredibly loud, obnoxious asshats set up shop approximately 3 inches from our chairs. ON A WIDE OPEN BEACH. There is no reason for that nonsense at all. Respect personal space.
  9. As for internet reads, there were a lot but in the interest of loving my fellow bloggers, the ones you really need to read are Kristen’s post on books and the 7 deadly sins, Ali’s post on the awful way men treat women on dating sites and apps, and Erin’s happy songs (which is similar to a post I did including title because #twinsies). And also this one from Scary Mommy who is not a friend but did share an awesome post about 80s characters I could use in my life right now (hint: John Bender is on the list. So is Duckie. And Mr. Miyagi (oh, guy with the theory that Daniel is the bully? Fuck off. You’re an idiot). And many others. You should definitely read this post).
  10. And your funny of the week:

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Have a wonderful weekend! See you back on Monday when we’ll discuss all the things I love about fall.

 

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And then there was sadness

by Jana 30 Comments

upOn April 4, I found out I was pregnant.

On April 15, I miscarried.

It’s a strange thing, to have your heart full and broken in the span of 2 weeks.

The thing of it is, I was never supposed to be able to get pregnant again on my own. With this pregnancy, we defied the odds!

And then we became a statistic.

Members of a club we never wanted to join.

 

 

 

Miscarriage grief is unlike any other. Because, unlike most other deaths, and it is a death, there’s not necessarily a cause. There isn’t anyone or anything to blame, and there’s no identifiable cause. It’s just something that happens. And without something or someone to blame, it becomes that much harder to comprehend. You want to understand why or how. And you simply can’t.

And then it becomes your dirty little secret. You don’t want to tell anyone because you fear how they’ll look at you or what they’ll say or that they’ll start treating you differently. Because you’ve now somehow become broken or faulty. Now there’s something wrong with you. You’ve become less than.

Less than what, I don’t know. But you feel less than.

And that’s not even the hardest part. The hardest part is having to continue to live your life. Having to continue to live your normal, regular life paying bills and washing dishes and going to work and folding laundry and taking care of those around you who are still alive. To say it’s painful to go about your normal life when a literal part of you is gone is an understatement. You have to go on, though, because life has to go on.

Even if you don’t want it to. And you won’t feel like you want it to. You don’t feel like life will be normal ever again. But every day it does get a little easier. You’ll cry a little less. You’ll be able to eat. You’ll be able to laugh. You’ll have moments where you forget it happened. Then you’ll feel guilty that you forgot or you laughed or didn’t cry. That’s all okay.

Own your guilt.

But then let it go.

Because feeling guilty won’t help you heal. And that’s what needs to happen. You need to heal. It’ll probably take a long time. No one expects you to move on in a few days. Take as long as you need to heal.

But allow yourself to heal.

As for me, everything is still fresh and every day brings a new trigger. I’m still perpetually sad. I’m still working on granting myself permission to heal. I’m still working on looking in the mirror and not seeing swollen, red eyes. I’m still working on forgiving myself and God and whoever else I lashed out at when it happened. I’m still working on letting my husband help me, and I’m working on helping him and our daughter through their grief. I’ve got a long way to go, we all do, but I know eventually, we’ll be okay.

 

 

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The unexpected silver lining of cheer practice

by Jana 12 Comments

One of the things I’ve been grateful for lately is the ability to see silver linings. I’m not exactly a doomsday person and more often than not, I try to find the good in the bad (even if that happens days or weeks or months later) but the last 6 months or so, I’ve found it difficult. Until recently. I won’t bore you with all of the details, and all of the places I’ve been able to pick my self up, but suffice it to say it feels good to be able to find highlights in what many perceive as a huge pain.

Like hours and hours of weekly cheer practice.

My daughter has no fewer than 8 hours of cheer practice per week. That doesn’t include her tumbling class or competition days. It’s obscene and easy to complain about, especially when you consider their ages (the oldest turned 9 in January) but I’d rather focus on what’s good about it. silver linings

It’s teaching my daughter time management skills. Skipping practice for anything other than a serious illness or family matter is not an option. Tired? Too bad. In a crappy mood? Show up with your game face on. Homework to do? Get it done beforehand. So, given the fact that missing practice really isn’t a choice, my daughter is having to learn to manage her time to fit everything in. Relaxing, homework, reading, practice…it all needs to fit. And she’s doing a great job managing it all (with a little help). And what’s nice is that this is laying a foundation for her future.

It’s making physical activity part of her normal routine. The more this continues, the more she’s going to have exercise a part of her every day life. She’ll already know how to fit it in with everything else and to her, it’ll feel weird when she doesn’t have it. And, as a result, when cheer season is over, she’s learning to enjoy other activity to fill the hours. She’s definitely not a couch potato and that’ll pay off later on, too.

It’s a boon for parental productivity. I can’t tell you how much my husband and I get done during practice hours. Whether it’s housework or errands or catching up on actual work, those extra hours where she’s active and socializing means we can finish up our to-do lists so when we’re all together, we can actually be together without obsessing over what is and isn’t finished. It’s essentially a large scale model of the kitchen timer method (you know, when you set a timer and try to get as much done in that fixed amount of time. Fancy name: the Pomodoro Method).

It’s a way to sneak in quality time. She practices Fridays from 6-8PM. That’s date night without a babysitter. My husband works crazy hours sometimes and he doesn’t get to spend much time with the child during the week. So, when he’s driving her to and from practice, it’s a way for them to have quality time together. And, similarly, when I’m doing her hair and makeup for competitions, it’s a time for us to bond. The time together might not be a lot but we make the most of it because in our house, it’s about quality not quantity.

It puts us on a schedule. And gives us the freedom to say no. Having those blocks of time already scheduled, and non-negotiable, means that we can only allow into our lives what fits around it. It’s made us more selective in what we do, who we see, how we spend our money, and where we go. Also, having that routine is comfortable and there are no surprises (and, should one arise, we have the ability to handle it).tumblr_mczl678vUK1rpjr21o1_500

Finding the unexpected finer points of all that practice took some work but I’m glad I’m able to do it. It makes those hours more digestible and less frustrating when you can take a step back and see what’s beneficial instead of just a pain in the ass.

What are some places you guys are able to find unexpected silver linings?

 

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