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16 habits of strong relationships

October 30, 2014 by Jana 19 Comments

Today, or yesterday, or possibly even Tuesday, marked the 18th anniversary of my and my husband’s very first date. It was my sorority hayride/date party and the reason we can’t remember the exact date is because we’re old and we have no recollection of whether the hayride happened on a Friday or Saturday and when I asked on Facebook last year, no one else could remember either. So we picked the general time frame and rolled with that.

Over the last 18 years, I’ve learned more than I ever thought possible about being in a relationship with someone (the first: never assume the boyfriend you have your sophomore year of college won’t turn out to be your husband). I’ve shared a bunch of those before but I felt it was time to update that original list with a few more.

- Laugh. At yourselves, at each other, at other people. Doesn’t matter. Just take the time to laugh.
- Keep private things private. Facebook is not the place to air your relationship dirty laundry. Keep that shit locked down.

- Learn about your partner’s hobbies. Even if they bore the shit out of you. It doesn’t mean you have to like the same things but showing an interest in what they like is respectful and makes incessant conversations about them less intolerable. And you may find they’re not as terrible as you thought.
- Have some secrets. Not about big things like debt or an unhealthy addiction but small things like bathroom habits or nose picking. A little mystery is just fine.
- Don’t fight about money. I know that money is a leading cause of divorce and all that, but if you can learn to deal with it and talk about it civilly, it will have a huge impact on your relationship.
- Separate Netflix queues. Especially if your taste is awesome and their taste sucks, which is probably the case. But it is equally important to have a few shows you can obsess over together.

Try new things together. It can be a new food, a new activity, a new genre of movie, or even socializing with a new group of friends. Having those experiences as a couple can bond you.
Take care of each other. This can be a matter of picking up tissues and NyQuil, being a shoulder to cry on or ear to listen to, or simply helping with something mundane like laundry or cooking. But that emotional physical support is key.
Embrace quirks. We’ve all got them. Some of us might have more than others. Instead of trying to change the fact that all the hangers have to face the same way or toasted bread has to go in the freezer because the texture of toast is good but the heat is not, just accept it. In fact, the quirks might even make you love the person more (or maybe not. Sometimes they make you run away and that’s okay, too).

Hate the same people. It’s so much easier if you do.
Talk to each other. Even the mundane work shit or annoying client stories or some random fact you heard on a podcast or the news, talk to one another. Sure, the long, in-depth, deep conversations about goals and the future are nice, but every so often, you need to debate the best breakfast cereal or what the hell is going to happen to Juice.
Throw out a compliment every now and again. Just to show you’re paying attention, you care, and you want your significant other to feel good.
Make time for each other. This goes with #11. You carve out time each week to spend with just your significant other, alone, to do…whatever it is you feel like doing. There are dozens of ways to find time for one another no matter how busy the schedule and doing this reminds you that your relationship is important enough to pause everything else.
Don’t compare yourself to other couples. And certainly don’t try to be like them. Every couple is distinctly different and trying to imitate someone can spell disaster for yours. Sure, another couple may have qualities you’d like to have, and that’s something to strive for but never forget what make your relationship unique and why you stay in it in the first place. Work on improving the relationship you’re in by staying true to who you are and what you value.
Be yourself. Pretending to be someone you’re not is a surefire way to ruin a relationship, no matter how long you’ve been in it. Yes, you will evolve and some things may change but at your core, you’ll be who you are. Your partner needs to love you that way. Not the way they’d like you to be.
Finally, you know that this true

Being in a relationship is work. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. But if you’re in the right relationship for you, you won’t mind doing the work. Even on the days you feel like putting your murder plan into action.

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Things that make me happy

October 28, 2014 by Jana 22 Comments

Over the summer, I read Kelli’s post about this and then Kristen did one, too, and it was also a topic for #Blogtober14 and I figured that was enough prompting for me to finally get on the ball and write out my own list. My happiness list.

One thing that you learn from depression is how to appreciate the small facets of life, the seemingly small, insignificant moments or items or actions that make you feel happy. When you’re in that dark place, all you’re doing is looking for a tiny ray of light to make it more bearable; to provide hope that one day, you’ll come out of it and feel as good as you can. And as I’ve been actively working on ways to manage my depression without medication, focusing on the little things that make me happy has become a constant exercise for me (which is basically the only exercise I’ve been doing lately).

The more I think about it, there more I come up with that makes me happy and give me reason to get out of bed even when I don’t want to:

The look on my daughter’s face when she accomplishes something she’s been working on
New books, whether I buy them or get them from the library
Finding someone who likes the same books or authors as me
Hearing my favorite song on the radio or on Spotify
Finally learning the words to a song I couldn’t understand
Naps
Clean sheets
That moment when all the chores are done, all the errands are run, all the food’s been cooked, and I have nothing left to do
Crossing items off my to-do list
Thinking of new ideas for the blog, my book, or my upcoming podcast and then actually implementing them
My dogs. Everything about them.
Seeing my cat comfortable in the house. While I love my dogs, I have a special place in my heart for my cat since I literally rescued her from the street.
Finding money I forgot about
Trying a new recipe and having it turn out exactly the way I want it to
Hot showers
New makeup and nail polish
Achieving a goal
When I’m driving somewhere unpleasant or annoying and a little bit of nature creeps in, like a herd of deer in a field or a rainbow or a sunset
Taking the moment to appreciate the aforementioned nature
Planning vacations
Office supplies
The beach
Hugs

What makes you guys happy?

I’ve also written an entire series on ways to feel happier so please check that out if you’re interested.

P.S. You know what else makes me happy? Linkups! And Steph and I are hosting one next month! Remember the posts we did earlier in the month, Show Us Your Books? Well, we’ve turned it into a link up and we want you to join us. Whether you’ve read one book or 40, tell us all about it on November 11!

Life According to Steph

<div align="center"><a href="http://lifeaccordingtosteph.com/" title="Life According to Steph"><img src="http://i1290.photobucket.com/albums/b536/lifeaccordingtosteph1/bookbuttonlinkup_zps01365b43.jpg" alt="Life According to Steph" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

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Pet peeves. I’ve got a lot of them.

October 22, 2014 by Jana 40 Comments

Admittedly, I have a lot of pet peeves. Probably more than the average person. Which is fine because I’ve decided it doesn’t make me high maintenance or bitchy; it makes me quirky.

I’m not ashamed of my pet peeves, either, because people really need to get it together and I’m all for helping them do so because seriously, tell me that none of these bother you:

Receiving an email that’s riddled with spelling errors, punctuation abuse, and incorrect forms of words (ex., using “your” instead of “you’re”). It’s even worse when it’s from a professional organization.
Using letters and numbers in place of words anywhere except text messages. And I can’t really stand it in texts either (true story: I have a friend who proofreads her texts before she sends them to me).
People who move unnecessarily slowly, especially in the supermarket or when walking on the sidewalk.
People singing incorrect lyrics to songs, especially songs that I like. Misquoting movies and TV show is included in this.
Open shower curtains. When I’m rich, I’m replacing all the curtains with shower doors.
Not texting me back but posting all over social media.
In what probably makes me seem all Sleeping With the Enemy-ish, I can’t handle it when the labels on cans in my pantry face different directions.
Wire hangers. No.
The sides of the comforter on my bed being uneven.
Celebrity nicknames, specifically the combining of two names into something ridiculous.
The term “shipping” as it refers to wanting two characters on a TV show to get together. WHY DOES THIS EVEN EXIST?
When people use big words and they clearly don’t know what the word means.
When people mispronounce common words (it’s “moot”, not “mute”) or incorrectly use a word (hey, irony, I’m looking at you).
Employees of an establishment smoking directly in front of the entrance so that you have to walk through their cloud of smoke.
Rude smokers in general.
People who are not 80s children claiming they miss the 80s.
Putting a pitcher with 4 drops left back in the fridge.
When drivers have 8786 miles and 128943 signs warning that the lanes will merge but still wait until they have 5 feet left until the lane ends to get over.

I’m going to stop here. The list could be way, way longer but:

How about you guys? What are some of your pet peeves? And if you’re interested, you can read some of my other ones, ones that are a little more substantial, in this post.

Linking up for #Blogtober14

How to be a terrible neighbor

October 9, 2014 by Jana 28 Comments

A little over a year ago, my family moved from our townhouse into a single family house. We lived in the townhouse for 9 years and, overall, we had great neighbors. Specifically the houses on either side of us and we knew that when we moved, we’d probably not find neighbors as good as them.

We know how lucky we were. And we remember it. Every day.

When you move from houses that are attached to houses that are not attached, it not only puts physical distance between you and your neighbors, but it also creates a bit of a personal distance. We all live in our own little bubble and I swear, I haven’t seen the family that lives 2 houses down from us in about a month. That said, we have gotten to know our neighbors within our immediate vicinity and despite our differences, we all have one thing in common.

We all hate the same house.

Maybe hate is a strong word. How about we all dislike them immensely and with great passion? Sounds a little better. Anyway, the reason we all can’t stand them is because they’ve essentially written the manual on how to be crappy neighbors. And, because I’m nice and thoughtful, I figured I’d share that manual with you guys in case you ever want to make your entire block dislike you (which you might, so consider this a PSA).

It’s a pretty easy process, and as long as you follow these steps, you’ll put yourself on track:

1. Be unfriendly. Never smile, wave, make eye contact, acknowledge or do anything that would remotely look like a friendly gesture. Forget small talk; that’s not for you. Nope, for you, it’s essential that you deliberately and purposefully ignore everyone.

2. Be noisy. Especially at inappropriate times, like midnight on a Tuesday. How are you going to make everyone dislike you if you’re not yelling at your spouse or revving your engine late a night, while people are trying to sleep?

3. Be flagrant with your smoking. You smoke and everyone needs to know it. For you, it’s not enough to sit on your front steps smoking. Nope, you need to take that into other neighbor’s garages and leave your cigarette butts in front of other homes.

4. Never control your dogs. It’s not enough that your incessantly yappy dogs bother you. They have to bother the whole street! So make sure you have them outside, where they can serenade the whole block but also make sure that you don’t put them on a leash so they can shit in different yards. Variety is the spice of life, amirite? And as a bonus, never clean it up, either. You consider that a gift!

5. Let your kids run wild. And make sure you’re not watching them, either. It takes a village, isn’t that what they say? Well, to you, you’re not actually part of that village but it’s totally okay to let your kids run loose and let the village take care of them while you’re inside doing who knows what. You need a break, after all.

Remember, you can balance all of this out with making sure your lawn is mowed, your trash isn’t strewn about, and you only have a few house calls from the local police (which might or might have to do with the drugs you might or might not be running out of your garage. I don’t know, though. I’m not here to judge how you make a living. If you can afford your mortgage, then have at it).

Okay, so in reality I know that my neighbors could be much, much worse. But this kind of behavior takes a lot of getting used to and I have a really low threshold for bullshit, drama, and people who don’t watch their pets, children, and have a blatant disrespect for others around them. And to be fair, it’s mainly the mom. The dad is an okay dude and the kids are necessarily horrible. I know they’re doing the best they can.

I just wish they’d be quieter.

And corral their dogs.

I don’t think that’s asking too much.

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More rational irrational fears

October 8, 2014 by Jana 31 Comments

Remember last week how I made everyone feel better about themselves and also slightly less crazy when I shared some of the ridiculous things I’m afraid of? Well, friends, get ready because I’m about to do it again.

That’s right. I’m coming at you with a whole new list of completely irrational things that I am genuinely terrified of for no other reason than my brain is broken and I clearly have major issues.

1. Cocaine. Not only have I never tried this drug because, you know, it’s cocaine but also when I was in 8th grade or so I read that Sweet Valley High book where their friend Regina tries coke at a party and DIES of a heart attack. Best “just say no to drugs” campaign ever.

2. Being poisoned. I can’t even explain this one away with a back story but I legit fear someone putting something in my drink or food and then I die.

3. Falling. Specifically, down a flight of stairs and breaking bones. I did fall roller skating when I was 7 and broke my wrist and spent 6 weeks in a cast so this one actually has basis in fact. But that was in a crowded public place. I fear doing it down the stairs in my house and being stuck and not being able to get my phone and call for help.

4. Being impaled. See also: being stabbed. Like being poisoned, I have no reason for being scared of this but I just am. I should probably stop watching violent crime shows. It might help ease this particular fear.

5. Losing my luggage. Not that I am a world traveler nor do I fly more than twice a year, so the odds of this happening are slim, but every time I do fly and I have to check my luggage, I have a panic attack that my suitcase winds up somewhere I’m not and someone else has my stuff and then I have to buy all new things or be smelly and dirty.

6. Getting on the wrong plane/bus/train. Sort of the same as losing my luggage except this time, I’m the one who gets lost. And then I wind up somewhere I don’t know and I have a horrible sense of direction and I get even more lost and my phone is dead and I can’t call for help or use a map and no one will help me and then I just cry. Or maybe get abducted. Either one is totally plausible.

7. Trucks. Specifically, driving behind trucks. It terrifies me when I can’t see traffic lights or other cars, and when I’m stuck between two trucks, I’m fairly confident I’m going to get smushed. I realize this puts no faith in the drivers of said trucks and I have more respect for them than that but it does nothing to ease my fear.

8. Home invasions. Again, it’s probably too many crime shows. And news stories. But this is a fear I’ve had going back to my childhood in one of the safest, crime free places on the planet. It won’t go away. It’s also the reason that when we first moved into our house, we kept our dog locked away in our room while we were out. Just in case.

9. Foul balls. I love baseball. I love going to baseball games. But unlike everyone else in the stands, when a foul ball comes my way, I don’t charge for it. Not only do I think I’ll take a tumble over my section (see: fear of falling) but when I was 16, I got hit in the face with a line drive and I can’t shake the thought that it’ll happen again. So when a foul ball comes my way, I cower.

10. My dogs being stolen. If I take my dogs with me and I have to run a quick errand, I will leave them in the car (weather dependent, of course). In the less than 10 minutes it will take to run said errand, I am paranoid that when I come out, my dogs will have been thieved from my car and I’ll never see them again. I also fear that someone will climb our fence and take them from the backyard when I let them out. It doesn’t mater that I watch them like a hawk (which, incidentally, I’m also afraid of). The fear is real.

Bonus fear, as told by a dog:

I think this is it for the irrational fears. The rest that I have are completely rational and make sense and I don’t like to talk about them that much because they’re not really very entertaining.

Did I miss any? What other ones do you guys have? Do you think this list covers any of them?

Linking up with Kathy and Liz

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16 habits of strong relationships

Things that make me happy

Pet peeves. I’ve got a lot of them.

How to be a terrible neighbor

More rational irrational fears

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