I am so excited that today has finally happened! When I first saw this linkup via Life According to Steph, I knew immediately that my participation was mandatory but I clearly do not pay close enough attention and have missed it. For the last two months. But not this month. No, this month, friends, I will delight you with shit my husband says. And trust when I say, it's been worth waiting two months.

I had to narrow it down to about 5 of his biggest gems because barely a day goes by where I don't look at him and say something along the lines of “did you seriously just say that” or, more likely, “what the fuck is wrong with you?”

It's that bad. Then again, I say some pretty stupid shit so one day I might let him takeover and share my superior intelligence. With some heavy editing, mainly because the man sometimes spells his name wrong, and I want you to be able to read it. On the plus side, at least it'll be typed. The man has serial killer handwriting.

That's enough about that.

Let's get to the good stuff. Shit my husband says.

Gem #1

Husband: what appliance do you think is most like a person?

Me: what the hell kind of question is that?

Husband: seriously, what appliance do you think is most like a person?

Me: I have no idea.

Husband: a juicer. Want to know why?

Me: not really but you're going to tell me anyway, aren't you.

Husband: a juicer is most like a person because you put stuff in the mouth, liquid comes out the front, and the pulp goes out the back.

Me: I don't even want to know how and why you thought of that.

Gem #2

Driving past a local fast food restaurant, DogTown, husband says he wants to put on a crown, walk into the place and proclaim “I am The Lord of DogTown!!!”

Points for the skateboarding movie reference.

Gem #3

Another out of the blue husband proclamation–There are two kinds of people in this country. Felons and voters.

I had no response because he is not entirely wrong.

Gem #4

Husband: hey! Look what I can do! I can cross my toes over each other and now it looks like I only have three toes!

Me: why did you need to know that?

Husband: in case I'm ever in a situation where I only need three toes.

Gem #5

Husband: I was thinking about our teeth and the dogs and that if we had nano bots in our mouths, they'd be in the shape of snowplows.

Me: what is wrong with you?

Husband: what, somebody has to think of this stuff.

Me: and you designated yourself that person?

Husband (ignoring me completely): so the nano bots would go in and clean your teeth and scrape out the plaque.

Me: so what a dentist does?

Husband: they would replace dentists. The dentists would be in charge of the nano bots.

Me: now dentists are nano bot overlords? I can't take it anymore.

Bonus gem: He said this while folding laundry, knowing unmatched socks are one of my pet peeves. Of course he has to point out what he's doing and says “I don't match socks on purpose. It's my rebellion against maturity”.

And that, friends, is what I choose to live with. I'm pretty sure I'm crazier than he is.

Today I’m linking up with Life According to Steph and some of her friends for a discussion of what things were like back in my day. Since I always do some sort of anniversary themed post this time of year, I figured I’d talk about how different things were when my husband and I first starting dating.

In two days, my husband and I will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. While that’s an accomplishment in and of itself, what’s even more amazing is the fact that we have been together for 17 1/2 years. That’s a long fucking time, especially when you consider the fact that we’ll both be 37 this year (for those doing the math, we started dating when we were both 19 and sophomores in college. The year? 1996.)

 It amazes me just how much has changed over the last 17-18 years, particularly for dating and relationships. Because back in my day:

• Meeting someone on the brand new internet was not commonplace. It was creepy and weird, and definitely not something you talked about. Instead you met them through friends or at a party or in detention or carrying a watermelon.
• When you wanted to stalk your crush, you had to do it like a normal person–learning his school schedule, attending his sporting event as a “spectator”, calling his house and hanging up, trying to befriend his friends. You didn’t troll his Twitter or Instagram feed.
• Speaking of pictures, if you did something stupid, you didn’t have to worry about pictures of that shit winding up everywhere (contrary to what 80s and 90s teen movies have you believe) and your significant other/crush seeing it. You kept it on lockdown, sharing it when appropriate and maybe not even then.
• Also with pictures, wasn’t one of the best parts of the beginning of a relationship seeing that person’s photo albums? There was just something a lot more intimate about sifting through an oversized and overstuffed photo album rather than a phone. 

• You actually had to get to know a person through questions and conversations and first dates were awkward. Really, painfully awkward. Unless you did some really great pre-first date recon (or were friends first), you didn’t know shit about the other person. Facebook has completely ruined that experience.
• When you decided where your relationship was going, you did so through a conversation, not a Facebook status change or profile picture update. 
• Long distance relationships were exhausting. Letters and scheduled and timed phone calls (you know, because long distance rates were a bitch), maybe seeing each other once or twice every few months or so. You kids with your Skype and email and gchat don’t know how easy you have it.
• Wedding proposals were not slick, professional produced videos designed to go viral. They were sweet and nice and to the point. And private.
• And lastly, any of these would have done as my boyfriend (for what it’s worth, I would still not turn down Matt Damon):