Did you guys have a good weekend? I did. Well, the best I could after spending Friday in colonoscopy hell. Let me be clear–I know they’re necessary. But holy hell, are they horrible. Not so much the procedure because I was completely unconscious but everything else surrounding it.
I’ve done random train of thought posts before (you can read them here, here, and here) so let’s add to the collection with all the fun things that went through my head during the whole colonoscopy event.
Wow, this is a lot of stuff I need to buy.
I really have to take the weekly dose of two laxatives in four hours? That seems excessive and I’m pretty sure it’s going to be painful.
This Gatorade mixed with Miralax doesn’t taste too terrible.
This is the worst Gatorade I have ever had in my life and if I have to drink one more sip I will throw it up all over the place.
If I throw up, do I get to cancel the procedure?
No, I’m not cancelling it. I’ve come too far and I haven’t forgone food for two days to cancel now.
They won’t notice if I spill some of it down the drain.
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ONE PERSON TO POOP THIS MUCH?!
How is there anything left in my stomach? I think everything I’ve eaten over the past month has been flushed away.
Hmmm. I wonder how much weight I’ve lost from all this. *steps on scale* Three and half pounds?! Ridiculous.
Is this how celebrities lose weight before awards shows because it doesn’t seem worth it. I’m sure Spanx does a better job. Same results, less gas.
Oh, finally. It’s over. I can get some sleep that’s not on the bathroom floor.
I was wrong. THIS is the worst drink I’ve ever had. Perhaps I should not have brushed my teeth before I drank the grape flavored magnesium citrate. I am the queen of bad choices.
Really? More pooping?! I’m pretty sure my stomach is just inventing things to eliminate.
There are an awful lot of people in this waiting room. I think I’m disturbed by the amount of people with stomach and/or butt problems.
Let’s play a game. Who’s here for a procedure and who’s their ride home?
This game is easy. Anyone in comfy pants is clearly getting prodded.
Oh, wait. There’s a couple both wearing jeans. Challenge accepted!
People look funny when they’re coming off of anesthesia.
HOW AM I STILL POOPING??
They’re giving me propofol? Isn’t that the drug that killed Michael Jackson? (FYI, I said this out loud, loudly, to my prep nurse. #noshame)
If I had the ability I would punch the anesthesia nurse in the nuts because I want him to feel the pain that he is inflicting on my with this IV needle.
Wait, how is it over? I literally remember nothing after I yelled at the nurse that he hurt my arm.
Oh, thank god. The pooping is over.
I need a nap and some food.
Fun follow up story: So, I was pretty convinced that people could tell I was on something and in my head, I looked either really drunk or high. Turns out, I was right. One of the other cheer parents is an undercover detective and when we stopped to get food, they (I don’t want to say if it’s one of the moms or dads) were parked in the same parking lot and their partner held the door open for us. When my husband saw this parent later that night, he/she relayed that his/her partner thought something was wrong with me and my husband had to clarify. Reasonable explanation yet still mildly embarrassing.
All in all, the prep was worse than the procedure (you know, because I don’t remember it) and fortunately, everything is normal and I don’t have to do it again until I’m 50. Hopefully by then they’ve improved upon the whole prep process.
