Back when I was a personal finance blogger, I contributed to short eBook, 21 Days to Healthier Finances, for the site Credit Shout. The site has changed ownership and the new owner, a very nice guy named Dave, is promoting the original book and, as a contributor, I thought I’d help him out since books are kind of big deal around here. Especially ones that I’ve been a part of. Because there’s only been 2 so far.
My topic revolved around successfully managing money as a couple. My husband and I might fight about some things but money really isn’t one of them. I’ve discussed why we don’t fight about money and how we handle our budget meetings (yep, we’re that couple. #noshame, friends) so there’s no need to rehash those and, in the book, I listed 5 ways we effective handle our money so let’s take a look at those and what I’d add now:
- Divide and conquer. We split the responsibilities because for us, one person doing all the work with the other person sitting on the couch eating ice cream doesn’t make sense. Play to your strengths and your partner’s strengths. That might mean one person doing the heavy lifting for the day to day expenses and one doing it for the long term planning. Be clear about your roles, and make sure each person is comfortable with their role. Adding in: If handling your money this way works for you, don’t forget to keep the other person informed and apprised of what you’re doing. Do not make decisions unilaterally unless your partner has given you explicit permission to do so. For instance, if the husband is researching mortgage rates so we can refinance our current mortgage (long, boring story), he does the legwork but then let’s me know a) what he’s done and b) what our options are. We discuss and then decide, together, how we’re going to proceed.
- Talk honestly. Financial infidelity is a real thing. It causes A LOT of conflict in relationships and it’s probably not something you want in yours. To prevent the conflict, don’t lie. Don’t lie about debts or purchases. Be honest about your goals and plans and anything else that can affect your financial future. Adding in: Don’t withhold anything, either. Withholding is not necessarily the same as lying but it can have just as disastrous of an effect. Also, don’t stay silent for the sake of keeping the peace. If you’re managing the daily expenses and your partner’s spending is way out of line and you’re struggling with paying bills or buying food as a result, you need to say something. Yes, it’ll be uncomfortable but you have to let them know.
- Compromise. Every person is different and comes into a relationship with different goals and ideas and plans for their money as well as different styles for managing money. Those plans might not always match. The money management style might not make any sense to you. Which is why #2 is so important, and why you need to use it to find a middle ground between you and your partner. Adding in: Be flexible. Yes, it’s intrinsic to compromise that you’re flexible but money is fluid and your financial circumstances might change and you need to change along with them, even if it means compromising even more for a little while.
- Set goals. You and your partner need to know where your money is going and what you’re working for. Decide together if you’re going to travel or buy a house or have one person be a stay at home parent (again, make sure you’re utilizing #2 and #3. None of these are mutually exclusive). Set target dates and work together to achieve those targets. Adding in: I still believe you need to have joint financial goals but I would add that it’s also okay to have individual financial goals. Just make sure that your partner understands (and hopefully supports) what you’re doing. And realize that as your priorities change, your goals will change so make sure you’re revisiting and updating your goals at least twice a year.
- Be patient. Coming to a mutual agreement on the way your household uses and manages its money will take time and effort, and there will probably be a whole lot of mistakes. There will be disagreements. Some might involve yelling. But eventually, if you keep working on it (and maintain the desire to work on it), you’ll be able to mesh your styles together peacefully and in a way that works for both of you. Adding in: This is the hardest part of the process and having gone through it, I truly understand why some couples choose to keep their finances separate. For us, though, it was important to learn how to manage our money together (for the record, we still have separate personal accounts for our individual fun money, like his fantasy football stuff and my Spotify fee) so we kept trying and trying until we found what worked for us. Sure, it was trying on my patience (and his) but it was worth it.
Overall, I’d add that none of these are mutually exclusive. They all work together and you need to use one to build on the next. I’d start with honesty. That’s the foundation. Not only does no one like a liar but if you’re comfortable enough to be honest, the rest should fall into place. Because honesty builds trust. And you need trust when you’re dealing with money together.
What would you guys add to my list?
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