Lately I’ve been struggling with the word “enough”. Not as in “I don’t think I’ve read enough books” or “I haven’t watched enough Netflix” or “I haven’t had enough tea today” but more in the sense of:
I don’t work hard enough on my blog.
My topics aren’t focused enough.
My writing isn’t creative enough.
The idea for my book isn’t interesting enough.
My platform numbers aren’t high enough to make an agent interested in me.
I’m not organized enough.
My house isn’t clean enough or nice enough to have people over.
I don’t play with my dogs enough.
I don’t play with my daughter enough.
I’m not nice enough to strangers.
I don’t call my grandmother enough.
I’m not friendly enough.
I’m not generous enough, and I certainly don’t volunteer enough.
I haven’t lost enough weight.
I’m not talented enough.
I’m not motivated enough.
I don’t try hard enough.
I’m not enough.
The list goes on.
It’s all completely negative. And I can’t make it stop.
Just when I get to a place where things are going well, my creativity is flowing, I’m content with what I have (and don’t have), I’m comfortable and confident with my choices and where I’m going, something (I don’t know if it’s my depression or lack of self-confidence or too much time on social media and buying into lifestyle construction or what) gets ahold of me and talks me out of everything positive thought I have and puts me right back in the place where I can’t get off the couch and I think I’ll never amount to anything or achieve the level of success I want and convinces me I’d be better off just quitting everything so I stop trying.
I hate that I think, and subsequently act, like this. I hate that this pattern is part of my life. I know, in my head, that it holds me back. I’m pretty sure it’s rooted in some sort of fear and there’s a self-fulfilling prophecy tucked in there somewhere, too.
It’s a fun little package.
It’s one thing to deal with someone else telling you that you suck or stomping on your dream. It’s another thing to deal with the internal chatter. Because those voices are there with you all. The. Time. They’re loud and annoying and they’re difficult to ignore. Like really obnoxious sports fans cheering for the wrong team.
And if you’ve ever experienced those types of fans, you want to punch them right in the face.
That’s how I feel about the negative committee in my head.
It’s not that I don’t want it to change. I try some of the techniques in my cousin’s book. I think back to some of the techniques I learned in therapy (despite the fact that my therapist was horrible and, on some levels, made my issues worse) and attempt to apply them. I read blog posts and articles on how to alter negative thinking. I try to stop comparing myself to others. I stay away from social media.
And none of it works.
I’m still trying to figure out why.
It might be that I won’t let myself think differently. It might be that I simply can’t do it. Old habits and all.
They’re kind of a bitch.
I know that everyone deals with self-doubt at one point. And for many, they take that self-doubt, channel it, and use it to make or do something great.
I want to be that person.
I want to go to bed each night and say “I did enough today” and really believe it.
I want to tell myself I am enough and really believe it.
Because I know, in my heart, that whole list of “I’m nots” is a lie.
Now I need my head to believe it.
Do any of you struggle with the same issues? What works for you when you get mired in this line of thinking?
