Jana Says

Living life from cover to cover

Either I write a clever title or I don’t

by Jana 14 Comments

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So I’ve been thinking lately about how we live in these either/or situations:

  • Consume content or create
  • Dogs or cats
  • Spend all your money or save all your money
  • Watch TV or read books
  • Credit cards or cash
  • Exercise inside or outside
  • Stay home or work outside the home
  • Wine or beer
  • Hustle or self-care (this is actually a soapbox issue for me but we’ll skip it today)
  • Self-employed or work for someone else (another soapbox issue. I’m feeling soapboxy, apparently)
  • Blog for money or blog for fun
  • Coffee or tea
  • Cooking from scratch or buying pre-made food

And so on. Feel free to add your own.

The thing is, it doesn’t have to be that way. There doesn’t need to be these hard line “WORKING FOR YOURSELF IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET RICH” or “I ONLY READ BOOKS BECAUSE TV IS A WASTE OF TIME” statements.

First of all, they’re way more judgy than they need to be. I mean, we all make choices based on our moods and budgets and circumstances. Is it really necessary to put our values on someone else especially without knowing all the facts? For instance, I read plenty of books but I also watch my fair share of TV. I don’t feel like I’m a waste of a person because I park my ass on the couch in my soft pants and watch Netflix instead of going for a 12 mile hike and I don’t feel like it’s anyone’s business if I spend a Saturday watching 47 episodes of The Office or reading a 400 page book. I’d sure like your feedback if you’ve seen or read what I’m reading or watching because discussions are fun. I even want to hear how you spent your time.

But telling me that what I’m doing is wrong because it’s not what you would do? No.

Second, why? Why do we have to draw such lines? Why isn’t is possible to want both situations? To want to drink wine AND beer, even in the same night (although godspeed to you if you do)? To hold a full-time job but also have a side business? Even more, what’s wrong with wanting to spend your career as an employee instead of a retired-early entrepreneur? Why do we have to choose? It is possible to be a healthy, balanced person who dabbles on both sides of an equation. Life doesn’t work in absolutes. And we do ourselves, and others, a disservice when we try to convince them otherwise.

I get wanting to advocate for your beliefs. Writing about them on a blog, tweeting about them, sharing pictures on Instagram. I believe in respectful discussions or a contentious argument or two if you believe strongly in one thing over another. I think it’s awesome to share information and resources and opinions. We want others to think like we do and to form a community and support network of those who have the same preferences. And I love people who are passionate. It’s great to learn from them and read their experiences and find out why they’re so passionate.

But it’s entirely different to condescend or demean someone who feels or chooses differently.

I think that’s where this whole thing started. Seeing or hearing people condemn or mock others whose life choices are different, both on the small and large scale. I think that’s a bunch of bullshit. A reader isn’t superior to a TV watcher and I don’t think you’re better than me because you don’t drink coffee or alcohol. Working moms have it differently difficult than a stay-at-home mom. We all have struggles and advantages and we’ve made our choices based on weighing those against each other.

I’m not really sure what the point of this post is. I freely admit that it’s a hot mess of rambling nonsense. But if I had to sum it up, it would be this: it’s okay to equally enjoy things that seem to be in direct conflict with each other. Books and TV, cats and dogs, self-employment and entrepreneurship; none of them are mutually exclusive and there’s room in your life for everything if you want it. And if you don’t, ease up on those who aren’t steadfast in their beliefs or preferences.

Life isn’t always either/or.

Unless it’s either impeach trump or not. Then there’s only one real answer.

"So, tell me about yourself. Preferably something I can use either for myself or against you later."

Making my bed and other advice I do follow

by Jana 17 Comments

Last month I wrote a post about all the advice I don’t follow. It’s not that it’s necessarily bad advice; it’s just not for me. Which is fine. Everyone is different and I think it’s important to listen to different perspectives and take from them what you need. But I figured it was a good counterbalance to that post to discuss the advice or suggestions that I do follow.

A qualifier: I don’t follow all of these to the T. I screw up, make changes, and sometimes flat out ignore them. But overall, this are a few tips and tricks I’ve accumulated along the way to make improvements:

  1. No social media notifications on my phone. None. Not at all. Not email, IG, Pinterest. I don’t even have Twitter or FB on my phone (although I do have groups and messenger, mostly for communication with the child’s gym. These people hate email). I did, at one point, have notifications for all the apps turned on but it stole so much of my time and sanity that I got rid of it all. It has made a huge difference in my presence with people and eliminates distraction. One exception: MLB score updates on all Mets and Orioles games.
  2. Prioritizing my time. I’m a huge advocate for the way Laura Vanderkam discusses time and time management and using her system has, well, I don’t want to say revolutionized because that’s too dramatic but drastically changed how I use my time. Basically, instead of trying to do everything, I’ve whittled down my core competencies and what’s essential and important to me and fit my time around achieving the goals within those. I might be mixing up messages from two of her books but whatever. It works for me.
  3. Meal planning. I don’t meal prep. I discussed that last time. I do, however, meal plan. I’m not a good enough cook to look at a whole bunch of random ingredients and mix it all up into something palatable nor do I have a good enough memory to remember recipes or what I need to buy at a store (or have on hand). Meal planning makes me pay attention to what I’m buying (saving money FTW) and it also assures that I know what I’m cooking and how to do it properly. It also answers the question “what’s for dinner?” I hate that question.
  4. Sleep routine. Confession: my sleeping habits are shit. I have a terrible time falling asleep, staying asleep, and all that jazz. It’s even worse when my anxiety hackles are up. I had tried everything but what’s really helped is having a routine. And not having electronics in the bedroom. True story: we don’t have a TV in our bedroom and I won’t even read an eBook before bed, no matter how good it is. The combination of those has led to me being able to sleep decently 4-5 nights per week which is a HUGE improvement.
  5. Making my bed. I forgot where I saw this originally but it basically said that making your bed sets up the rest of your day. It helps you feel organized and put together and some other helpful shit like that. And you know what? It’s true! There’s something about making your bed that separates night from day and says “let’s get today going”. It also makes my room look neater (and, considering my husband is a class A slob, any little bit helps) and keeps the dogs off the sheets. Everyone wins!

So there you go. Some of the advice I DO follow.

How about you guys? What are some tips or tricks you’ve learned along the way that have made a difference in your life? Which ones do you recommend I try? 

 

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Waking at 5AM and other advice I ignore 

by Jana 28 Comments

There’s a lot floating around the interwebz on how you can be more productive and use your time better. I find all that stuff fascinating and it’s why I read books about it, along with those articles and blog posts (and OMG, Pinterest. Holy shit is there a lot on Pinterest). I figure I can always do better, be better…self-improvement is never a bad thing. But what I’ve learned more than anything is that knowing yourself is better than following all the advice in the world. 

Knowing how you function, when you function best, what motivates you, what keeps you going…that’s the stuff that, at the end of the day, gets your shit done. However, without experimenting, there’s no way to know what works for you and what doesn’t. 

How do I know? Because I’ve tried. And what I’ve learned is that many of the go-to tips don’t work for me. For instance:

  1. Getting up at 5AM. Or some other ungodly hour. I tried to do that. To get up insanely early and be productive in those hours. It lasted about 4 days before I said fuck this and stayed in bed till a reasonable hour. I wound up not getting anything done because I was exhausted and my thoughts kept drifting back to my bed. So now I get up around 6:45 and work in the evenings instead.
  2. Weekly meal prep. I know many of you swear by it but it doesn’t work for me. By Wednesday I hate everything I’ve made or no one is in the mood for what’s prepared and have you ever tried to force feed a picky 10 year old with an attitude as big as she is? Peanut butter sandwiches only go so far and I can only fight so many battles. So I meal plan for the week and cook daily.
  3. Freezer meals. Not sure why so much revolves around food but here we are. I guess this falls under my dislike of weekly meal prep but I have done a few freezer meal sessions and OMG it is not worth the effort. Having a few is great in a pinch but I am not a freezer stocker. Not a big stockpiler, either, for what that’s worth. It’s a shit ton of effort and I always mess up something and the dishes. SO MANY DISHES. So, rather than freezer meals, I make sure there are leftovers or, if it’s a complicated recipe like stuffed shells that I’m making anyway, I double and freeze some of that.
  4. Gratitude journaling. At the risk of sounding like a bitchy asshat, I just can’t get into doing this. I’ve tried with pen and paper and with an app. I simply struggle with writing it down. I frequently reflect on what I’m grateful for but I am not, nor will I ever be, in the daily habit of writing it down. I get the benefits, especially the mental health benefits, but meh. Not for me.
  5. Eliminating TV. I actually wrote a post once listing a ton of things you can do while watching TV. Because I don’t think we need to demonize TV the way it is in many circles. It’s about striking a balance between how much and when and what else you’re doing but a show a night or a binge watch weekend? Nothing wrong with it at all. And honestly, I’m quite productive most days. That’s right. I watch TV AND I get shit done. Oh, and I read like 80 books a year, too, so you can do both.
  6. Eat the frog first. I wrote a whole post about this, too, but I don’t eat the frog first. I eat it last because for me, it’s more motivating to get the small, easy, simple, annoying tasks out of the way so I can clear my plate for the big one. Is it satisfying to get the major task done before everything else? Yes. Does it leave me with almost no energy for everything  else? Also yes.

I’m sure there’s more but I’m writing this on my phone because I’m too lazy open my laptop and also, you guys get the point. Not all the tips work for all the people so if you’re looking to improve, read all the things and then pick and choose what works for you. Experiment. Manipulate. Track how you feel when doing thing. Check progress and determine if what you’re doing really is worth it. Then make a plan or list and follow that. 

And know that if you don’t feel like getting up at 5AM, your day isn’t a waste, you’re not lazy, and sleep is a wonderful thing. 

What are some popular or conventional tips you forgo?

P.S. Next week I’ll talk about some advice I do follow. #balance

No regrets

by Jana 14 Comments

 

Let’s talk regret. I’m not talking the “I should not have watched that 10th consecutive episode of Sons of Anarchy last night” or “potato chips and Diet Coke for lunch was a bad idea” or “I regret wearing this dress on a boat because this shit is inappropriate” types of regret. (For the record, I’ve done all of these). I’m talking the serious type of regret.

The life altering types of regret.

The not taking the job type of regret.

The staying home rather than go on that once in a lifetime trip type of regret.

The staying in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy for longer than you should type of regret.

The not taking a chance on something, anything, because you were scared type of regret.

It also works in reverse. You know those “I can’t believe I did that” type stuff.

Regret is a real, powerful emotion. It makes you think and do weird stuff. It can ruin your day, your week, your year.

I gave up on regret at some point in my 20s. I’d love to tell you that there was this big eye opening moment but there wasn’t. It was simply some self-reflection that made me realize regret, for me, was a fucking waste of time. I can’t change the decision I made, and I made the decision I did because clearly at the time, it was right for me. Would others have done the same? Probably not. But they’re not me. They don’t have to live with my choices.

I do.

And I think that’s the crux of my no regrets philosophy. If I’m comfortable with the choice I made, I’m not bothered or saddened or guilty or shamed by it. I don’t feel the need to erase anything or wish I’d done this or that different. I don’t regret relationships or jobs or making that purchase or taking that 3 hour nap because every single choice has led me to where I am now. Everything has taught me a lesson. What I like, who I like, what I want. Regretting any of those parts of my life means denying something’s impact.

Have I done stupid things that maybe I shouldn’t have? Yes. Absolutely, 100% YES. But do I regret them? No. Absolutely not. And believe me, I’m grateful nothing terrible happened as a result of those god-awful choices. Because some of them could have gone incredibly awry.

Also, in dealing with depression and anxiety, having regret is simply stoking the fire. It opens up avenues to dwell and beat myself up and that’s a gateway to an episode. I don’t need anything else making it worse. Especially not something I can control.

Let’s be clear: regret is multifaceted. The regret I’m talking here is based on choices or perceived loss of opportunity, not on time (think time spent with grandparents or kids). And you should never, ever do anything you’re not comfortable with because you think you might regret if you don’t. That’s just ridiculous. And pop psychology will lead you to believe that you should do those things simply because you don’t want a lifetime of regrets. That’s a steaming pile of shit.

You’re an adult. You do what you want.

And live without regret for doing so.

live-without-regret

 

 

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The only parenting advice you’ll ever need

by Jana 17 Comments

I know some of you guys who read this here blog are pregnant or trying to become pregnant so in the spirit of wanting to help my fellow women out, I figured I’d drop some parenting knowledge on you since in my almost 10 years as a mother I’ve picked up a thing or two (even though much of the internet tells me I’m less of a mother because I only have the one kid but fuck them and also, I do know some shit). Hope it helps.

The single most important thing you can do as a parent is this: DO WHATEVER THE FUCK FEELS BEST AND RIGHT FOR YOUR FAMILY. 

That is it. That’s legit all you need to do. 

Breast feeding vs. bottle feeding.

Daycare vs. staying home.

Vaginal birth vs. C-section.

Jarred baby food vs. making your own.

Disposable diapers vs. cloth ones.

Comfort them vs. let them cry it out.

Private school vs. public school.

Co-sleeping vs. sleeping in a crib (although, a caveat. If you want co-sleep, please research how to do it safely. And always, always, back to sleep)

Sedan vs. minivan.

Small house vs. larger house.

Losing the baby weight right away vs. taking a long time (or never).

The list goes on and on and on and on. There are so many choices and variables to consider and most of the time, it’s difficult to pick which direction you want to go (pro parenting secret: most of it is trial and error anyway) and once you do, someone is bound to tell you you’re wrong and then spend 20 minutes pontificating on why you’re wrong. Fuck those people. They don’t live in your house.

Also, spending time on Pinterest and many of the mommy sites can be overwhelming and at some point, make you feel completely inadequate because you’re not that crafty or remember to do those “I’m 4 months old today” pictures that are trendy and all over social media (pro parenting secret: Not posting a monthly photo update is not screwing up so please, for the love of whomever you believe in, don’t beat yourself up if you forget or just simply don’t want to. You are raising or growing a human being. That is time consuming enough without having to pose for pictures). But I assure you, you’re not nor will you be. You know what you’re doing and what you want to do and once the baby is here, you will know what is right for your child even if half or more of the time it doesn’t feel that way. Seriously, more than once I looked at my daughter when she was an infant and thought “what the fuck am I doing? How badly am I screwing up right now?”

I’m sure I did plenty of things wrong. Still do. But she survived and she’s doing quite fine. Because I listened to myself, my instincts, and, as the one spending the majority of time with her, I knew what she meant when she cried (and yes, rest assured, you will eventually understand what all those different cries mean) and I learned what comforted her and made her happy and that’s what I did. And that’s what you’ll do, too. There’s a steep learning curve but you’ll get there. And you’ll be a great mom.

I PROMISE.

OH. One more thing. Your child does not have to have an Instagram ready nursery or outfits in order for you to be a great parent. Most of that shit is staged anyway.

P.S. I know I didn’t really mention dads in this post and honestly, I didn’t for a bunch of reasons. But. If the dad is around and willing to help, LET HIM. Really, if anyone is around and willing to help, let them (well, obviously within reason. Safety first). Get some fucking sleep. Eat a decent meal. Have coffee with a friend. Read a book. Just because you’re a mom now doesn’t mean you’re no longer a human being.

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