To me, the worst part of living with depression and anxiety is akin to having a horrible monster chained up in a closet and doing the best you can to keep it locked up but every now and again, it breaks the chains and gets loose. You never know when it’ll happen, but you can sort of feel it coming on. There are signs and sounds and everything seems off. You do your best but sometimes, that’s just not enough.

The monster gets out and stomps around your life, making a huge mess of everything, until he’s done. The worst part, besides having to clean up the mess, is not knowing exactly how long he’ll throw his tantrum. It could be a few days, weeks, or months. You do your best to subdue him but usually, it doesn’t work. You just have to let him have his way.

It kind of sucks.

That’s what this whole 31 steps series was about. This series, at its core, was intended to provide actionable, easy steps to follow in order to improve your level of happiness. I designed it because I’m tired of people saying “choose happiness” and then giving zero direction as exactly how to do that when choosing happiness is what you’d like to do but just cannot. Because depression is a huge asshole that strips you of your ability to make that choice.

It’s a thief.

It’s the jerk friend that you want to get rid of but who doesn’t take the hint.

It’s the monster on the loose.

And these steps are intended to help you fight the monster to the best of your ability. Fight him before he gets out, fight him while he’s out, fight him to get back in the closet. But keep fighting him. Use everything you have. Don’t give up.

You will win.

Which is why today’s task is about continuing to build ways to win your fight. And the task is two-fold: the first part is to commit to keep working on ways to feel happier. Just like on the first day you committed to follow this series to the best of your ability, today I want you to commit to keep it up. That’s all. You don’t have to commit to doing it every day but just promise yourself you will keep working on it. The more tools you have in your arsenal to fight the monster, the better.

The second part of today’s task is to write your own list of steps you can take to feel happier, even when you’re at your worst. Keep the steps simple, easy, and actionable. And practical. If you’re in the thick of a depression, it probably won’t make you happy to run a marathon. It would probably make you happy if you could just get out of bed and put on your running shoes. So focus on that step instead.

And remember: not every day will be perfect. You will have your bad days. You will have the days where you want to sleep and cry and be left alone and not have to face anyone because you just can’t. I hate those days. Those days are the worst. And it’s okay to have them. But remember that they go away. They get shorter and lessen in intensity. Things get back to whatever normal looks like for you.

I’m not saying it’s easy. Because it’s not. It takes work–lots and lots of hard, excruciatingly painful work. But you’re worth the effort.

Never forget that.

I have control issues.

I like to be able to do everything myself, my way, and on my schedule. I am exceptionally picky quirky and when a task isn’t completed to my liking, even if it’s done, I will redo it. So it’s just easier for me to have a gigantic, impossible to finish to-do list and have minor anxiety attacks every single day over the volume of tasks I need to complete.

Fine. They’re major anxiety attacks.

But I can’t let it go. I have an overwhelming need to maintain control over all the situations. And asking for help is something that does not come naturally to me. In my head, if I ask for helps I’m a) admitting weakness and b) bothering my friends and family. Which I hate to do. I cannot stand feeling like I’m bothering someone, asking for their assistance to finish or work on something I should very easily be able to handle myself.

Except I can’t handle everything myself. Sometimes I need to get out of my own head and get fresh perspectives. Sometimes I just can’t run all the errands, clean the whole house, and work in the time frame I’m given. Sometimes Google can’t give me the answer I need. And usually it’s impossible to be in two places at once.

Cloning isn’t an option because let’s be honest, one of me is enough.

So, every so often, I’m forced to do the unthinkable. I have to admit that I can’t do something, swallow my pride, and ask for help. And while I hate it in the moment, and I get angry at myself for not being able handle my shit, once it’s over, I feel better. I feel relieved that. I feel happy that I not only did something that makes me hugely uncomfortable, but it’s a great feeling to know that I can focus instead of stressing. 

It’s also a great feeling to know that I have people in my life willing to help me when I need it, whether it’s watching my daughter or running an errand for me or giving a crafting tip or even helping with set up/clean up/last minute mentoring at my FinCon13 Bloggers Helping Bloggers event (Eric, Athena, and Kathleen deserve high praise for this one). And most of the time, they answer my request for assistance because they know that I’d do the same.

Because I know that I’m not alone. Asking for help is difficult for most people. So when someone does come to me for assistance, I know how hard it is to do. I know that when you finally gather the nerve to ask, you feel dejected when that person says no. I hate that feeling and I know how much is stings. And I don’t want to make anyone feel that way (well, within reason. There are just some things I either cannot physically do or am not morally willing to do).

Most importantly, it’s crucial to understand that asking for help does not make you weak. It does not make you a failure. In fact, it’s just the opposite. When you ask for help, it proves that you are strong. It demonstrates that you know your limits. It shows that you aren’t afraid to reach out.

And that’s good.

Which is why today’s task is to do just that: ask for help. I’m sure there’s something you need to do that you can’t without someone else’s assistance. It can be something as small as asking friends to share a blog post on social media or give a recipe for you to use at a party or asking your husband to bring home clementines so you can put together a treat for your daughter’s Halloween party at school tomorrow (not that I have done this because there’s no way I would ever do something at the last minute).

And if you really have a hard time asking for help, I’ll put it out there–is there something (within reason) that I can help you with today?

Note: while this post deals mainly with small, mundane issues, I need to emphasize that it’s even more important to reach out for help if you’re in the middle of a depression, depressive episode or any other mental health crisis. Seek professional help, talk to a friend, see a doctor. Don’t isolate yourself. There are people who care about you and want to help you. 

Writing on the same topic every single day for 31 straight days is hard, y’all.

Perhaps it’s why I’ve failed at this challenge.

Perhaps it’s also partly why I chose to call this series “31 Steps” instead of “31 Days”. Gives me some slack and also gives me some grace for the days I don’t have the time or the energy to write (for instance, this past Sunday. Up before 6 AM to drive an hour and a half for my daughter’s cheerleading competition) or haven’t been proactive enough to schedule posts in advance. But I think another part of the challenge was to write every day and not schedule anything advance so technically, I played by the rules.

At least that’s what I’m telling myself. Because sometimes you need to tell yourself small little lies in order to feel better. And you know what? That’s okay.

As long as it’s not a major lie and it’s not hurting anyone. That wouldn’t be okay. In fact, that’d be horrible for everyone involved. Maybe even illegal.

So don’t do that.

I think this is getting away from me.

Let’s bring it back around.

Today we’re going to work on 3 steps (27-29 in the series) that in no way are related except for the fact that each one of them, in their own way, will help make you feel happier. Two of the steps are fairly easy to do. The other, however, is quite difficult and definitely won’t happen in a day. It’s a process and one that I’m working on myself. But the end result means that we’ll be able to do what we never thought possible, including reaching for long term goal or dream. It means that we’ll be able to focus on what’s really important instead of petty, insignificant things.

It means that we’ll get shit done instead of waiting for the right time (which is a myth and doesn’t really exist anyway).

Today, let’s work on:

Step 27: Write a love note to yourself. I know it sounds horrible and cheesy and ridiculous. I don’t really want to do it either. But. Why not write a few sentences as a reminder of how awesome and amazing we are and have the potential to be? Don’t we deserve it? Because while we want all the external validation and a gallery of cheerleaders in our corner, we may not always get that. In fact, we may not get it at all. So we need to be our own biggest fan and supporter. We need to cheer for ourselves when nobody else does. If we don’t believe in ourselves, we’ll never be able to get that arena full of fans. And there’s no better way to start than by telling ourselves why we’re incredible.

Step 28: Buy something you love. I know my frugal friends will have a hard time with this one. And it’s not that I advocate frivolous and outrageous spending. I think if you’re consistently participating in “retail therapy” (a term a loathe, by the way), then maybe you need to examine some elements of your life very carefully. However, I see nothing wrong with spending money on something you love, can afford, will use, and are mindful of buying. It can make a huge difference, particularly if it turns a bad habit into a good one. Building good habits is a surefire way to increase your happiness in the long run because sometimes, the only thing you’ll have to ward off a bad day or week are those good habits. So, today, go ahead and spend some money on an item, any item, that will make you feel good today and a few months from now.

Step 29: Let go of perfection. Of all the steps I’ve listed this month, this one is the most difficult for me. I am extremely hard on myself, set impossible standards, and create unrealistic time frames because, for some reason, I expect myself to be perfect at everything out of the gate. I give myself approximately zero learning curve. I demand perfection immediately and when I can’t achieve it, it sends me into a shame spiral. I sometimes get so lost in wanting the perfect outcome that I lose sight of what’s really important, which is that I’m actually learning or trying to something new or working on getting better at a skill or the fact that I even made the leap to start.

Perfection doesn’t exist. Anything that looks perfect is either fictional, carefully staged, or Photoshopped. So when we’re trying to be perfect, we’re trying for something fake. We’re not being real with ourselves or anyone around us and that can make us feel like absolute crap. Putting on airs is exhausting. Waiting for the perfect time to invite the neighbors over or starting that book project or searching for a better job is merely an avoidance tactic. Trying to be perfect is paralyzing, stifling, and really just a big waste of time.

So, today, let go of perfection. Don’t worry about how messy or ugly or chaotic something is. Enjoy where you are in the process. Share what you’re working on, even if you’re in the middle of it and maybe it makes no sense. Try something new, even if you think you might be terrible at it. Invite a friend over to your dirty house. Set realistic goals for yourself and give yourself time to achieve them. Realize that although something or someone may seem perfect, the truth is that it’s not.

Because perfection is fiction.

Repeat that phrase as much as you need to.

 

 

 

Remember at the beginning of the series, when we were supposed to make a list of our good qualities? Did you struggle with that more than you care to admit? I did.

It took me a good 2 hours to finish my list. Because while I’m pretty okay with my personality, I spend a fair amount of time each day picking apart my appearance. If you asked, I could rattle off at least 10 things I don’t like about myself in under a minute. I could probably bump that number up to 15 if I’m having a particularly bad day. But if you asked me what’s the part of me that I dislike the most?

I wouldn’t even have to think about my answer. It’s automatic.

It’s my boobs.

I hate my boobs. First of all, they’re huge. And since I’m short, it makes them look even bigger. In pictures, they practically engulf my entire body. And in real life, they basically walk into a room before I do. They are their own entity. It’s mortifying.

Second of all, they’re expensive. Everything related to carry these bitches around costs more than they were normal. Let’s not even discuss the extra cost related to having to buy dresses 2 (or 3, if we’re talking formal dresses) sizes too big to accommodate them and then having to pay to have said dress altered to fit the rest of me.

Third, the questions. The incessant questions. So, let’s put a few things to rest. Yes, they’re real. No, I will not be getting a reduction because I am terrified of dying under anesthesia.  No, they do not hurt or give me back problems. Yes, I would need to wear 75 sports bras at once if I ever choose to run on purpose. No, you may not touch them. And please, don’t be jealous of them. Ever.

Finally, clothes shopping is a nightmare. Nothing fits right. I refuse to wear anything low-cut because drawing more attention to them is not something I care to do and there are way too many low-cut options. Button down shirts, my preferred type of shirt, are sized horribly. T-shirts, like dresses, need to be bought at least one size too big to accommodate the girls, making me look like I’m wearing a tent.

I could go on.

But that’s probably more than you ever needed to know about my boobs so I’ll spare you and stop there.

It’s probably pretty obvious by now that I hate my chest, and for good reasons. However, since I’m taking this challenge with you, for today (and at least the rest of the month), I will embrace what they are instead of focusing on how much I hate them. I will enjoy the fact that when in a desperate situation, I have somewhere to put my phone (or beer or lip balm). I will own the other unintended benefits of having big boobs. I will accept that people pay money for what I have. I will think about the fact that, despite their enormity, they are healthy and I have no adverse side effects from them (save for major embarrassment and shame).

I’m still trying to figure out how this is going to make me happier. I guess it’s taking a step towards self-acceptance and lessening my self-hatred, which will make me happier in the long run. And that’s important.

For today’s task, I want you to do the same. I want you to think about the one part of you that you dislike the most and decide to embrace it. Think about why you dislike that part of you then flip it around and consider all the positives to that particular part of you. Think about how much easier it would be if you didn’t waste energy hating it (although, if you have a problem like me, it’s okay to still be annoyed by the extra expenses. That’s just unfair). Think about how much happier you’d be if you worked on accepting and embracing it.

Think about the power that comes with owning your perceived flaws and not allowing anyone to use them against you.

That’s what I’ll be focusing on.

P.S. BuzzFeed had a dead on balls accurate post on what it’s like living with big boobs. You should read it because it’s also hilarious.