Sometimes I feel like a fraud.
When I write, a lot of times I try to encourage, inspire and educate my readers (as well as entertain). I like to provide motivation and cultivate the belief in yourself that you can do anything you want. Whether it’s pay off debt, lose weight, leave a bad marriage, start a new job—whatever challenge you’re facing, I hope that I can provide some encouragement.
Except there’s one problem. I can’t do it for myself.
That’s right. I have the least amount of confidence in myself of any person you will ever meet. I can’t think of one thing in my life—save for my daughter—that I’ve done and said “holy crap, that’s good!” I’ve been pleased enough with my work but I don’t believe anything I do is exceptional. Nor do I believe that I’ll ever succeed in a way that I deem sufficient.
This self-defeating attitude is why I didn’t start writing again until I was 31. When I was younger, I desperately wanted to be a writer. Of anything. Books, plays, movies. You name it, I wanted to write it. I was told that I was good but I never felt like I was good enough. I constantly compared myself to those I deemed more talented and convinced myself that I would never be as good as them (I still do this, by the way). I took criticism very personally; rather than as a way to improve, I saw it as an insult to me and my abilities. I carried that around with me through high school and eventually, when I got to college, I opted for a safe major rather than one that would make me happy. Being a criminal justice major made it easy to quit creative writing.
Well, almost. It didn’t make it easy rather than provide a convenient excuse. As a CJ major, I only had to write research papers. I’m good at that. And, on more than one occasion, my writing abilities made up for a sheer lack of understanding of the material (like my upper level Political Science class or, the reason I’m not a lawyer). I always loved writing papers. I could knock out a ten page paper in 2 hours and get an A. Writing just came that easy to me. But I always shook it off as no big deal. I certainly wasn’t the only one who could do that and my ability to do it was not that special. At least that’s what I told myself.
I kept up this way of thinking for a solid 10 years. I would lament over the fact that I never became a writer but told myself that I’d never be successful and it was best that I stuck with my safe government job. Writers, at least most of them, don’t make a lot of money and I had a house, child, bills and debt. There was no way I could give up my steady paycheck in favor of a pipe dream, especially without the talent to back it up. But then…blogs happened.
I started blogging in 2008 (on sites that I will never share. They’re that bad) just as a way to entertain myself. It was a cheap, easy way to fill the void that was created when I stopped writing all those years ago. I let myself entertain the notion that even if I couldn’t make a living writing, there was no reason I had to stop altogether. It could just be a hobby. Something to keep my skills fresh, my creativity alive and my spirit happy. Which it did at first.
Then it evolved into what it is now. Blogging has become more than just a hobby or a vehicle to achieve my dream of becoming a full-time writer. It’s become a way of life; it’s become part of my identity. I have grown so much from blogging. But putting my writing out there comes with a price. Every time I hit publish, I throw up a little. Because pushing publish means that my writing is out there. I second guess everything I’ve said, every punctuation mark, every opinion I’ve stated. And let’s not even go into the agony that is creating a title. Yet I still go through with it simply because I need to.
For someone with no self confidence, it’s terrifying to think about someone else’s opinion of my posts. I question all the time if a reader is thinking “this chick sucks. What business does she have writing in a public space? This drivel is nothing but eye pollution!” Believe me, I think that it happens way more often than it probably does (mainly because I typically say it in my own head first. I think it’s a defense mechanism; if I say it, then it hurts less if someone else says it, too). I still think it though.
The most difficult part is convincing myself that it’s not true. I desperately want to agree with those who tell me it’s not but after 34 years of thinking that I pale in comparison to everyone else, it’s hard to change my thinking entirely. That’s why I’m telling you all of this. Because when I’m encouraging you to believe in yourself that you can get out of debt or stay on track with your finances, I’m also saying it to myself.
We’re in this together.
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I’ve found that 95% of people out there have less confidence than they portray. The other 5% are a-holes. You’re no a-hole so I think you’re fine.
Money Beagle recently posted…I Should Have Known We Would Get Less Snow
Thanks, Money Beagle! That? Is totally what I needed to hear 🙂
Great post! I think most people feel this way but not many admit it. I just taught the last two weeks in my MOMs group on leadership and found it pretty comical I was the one up there “teaching” because my life has been all trial and error!
On a side note: I am super proud you and following your dreams, insecurities and all!
anotherhousewife recently posted…I Went For a Run…and I Liked It!
Same to you, lovely lady! I think you’re incredible. But you already know that 🙂
I’ve done a lot of reading about “impostor syndrome” because I’ve struggled with those same feelings for most of my life. If I do well, I feel like I got lucky or squeaked by instead of being able to acknowledge accomplishments. And it’s frustrating to have that constant feeling of suck no matter how well you do.
I don’t have any easy answers but I’ll tell you what a former college professor told me: If one person says something, you can ignore it. If two people say it, you can shrug it off. But if three or more people say something, there’s probably a reason why.
Andrea @SoOverDebt recently posted…How Much is $20?
Your professor gave you good advice. What’s interesting is that I can accept it for the negative but not the positive. I could have 500 people tell me that I’m good and I wouldn’t believe it. But have 2 people tell me that I suck, and that I believe. I should probably work on that.
I love your writing style but you are so correct – self confidence comes from within. You and I sort of Tweeted back and forth about this a bit recently – if I am a speaker at FINCON, I will have to work through my fear and confidence issues about speaking in front of crowds…it’s definitely a personal battle…
Crystal recently posted…5 Tips on How to Improve Your Credit Score
It’s interesting, Crystal. Public speaking doesn’t freak me out; for someone with as little confidence as I have, you’d think I’d hate it. It’s fun to be an oxymoron, I suppose 🙂
You go girl! I like your writing! I’m at the beginning stages of where you were in 2008. I hope it works out for me as much as it is for you!
Rachel, I’m sure it will work out for you! You’re off to a great start!
You’re right… although even confident people struggle. Perhaps start by finding a small thing… then move up from there to more things you know you’re good at. Baby steps to self-confidence.
Doctor Stock recently posted…Make Money Trading Stocks
Good advice, Doctor Stock! Baby steps to confidence. They worked in What About Bob and for Dave Ramsey. I guess they can work for me, too!
First of all, you and your website are awesome! And secondly, we ALL struggle with self-confidence. I too am 34, and I still have times where I feel awkward and clumsy and yearn for the day when I can hold my head high and not give a damn what people think about me. Or my writing, for that matter. You and a few other bloggers are what inspired me to start writing. Keep doing what you’re doing 🙂
Mackenzie recently posted…Spring of ’96
Thanks, Mackenzie! Seeing as how I absolutely love your site makes me beam with pride that I had a hand in encouraging you to write.
I totally understand wanting to have that one day where you can walk around like the world can kiss my ass. I think I’ll get there…when I’m 80 and don’t know any better 🙂
“Every time I hit publish, I throw up a little.” You kill me. Actually this post was exactly what I needed…I was just thinking about my own blog and how I haven’t shared my personal side lately…now that I actually have readers I feel like I have to show them only positive, encouraging things. But I doubt myself and my progress (in life, money, blog) constantly. We gotta have more love out there and less worrying. You are an excellent writer and I am drawn into your posts. Thanks for letting us know you’re not perfect so now I can go admit it too 🙂
Oh, I am far from perfect. Actually, whatever is the opposite of perfect is what I am. I’ve never had a problem admitting my flaws, though. Those are actually easier for me to admit.
It took me awhile to start sharing personal things like this. You’ll get there. And once you do, the floodgates open.
The thoud=sabd voices in your head that tell you not to do something creative are completely normal. Every artist (and we are creating things every day) feels these self doubts. I’m struggling right now with this same issue, fighting through it.
Hunter recently posted…Gas Price Poll Results
I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with the same thing, Hunter. But at least we know we’re not alone, right?
Your other commenters say it all. It seems to me most people exhibit more confidence than they actually feel. If we thought everything we did was terrific, we might not strive to do more.
Dr. Dean recently posted…You wanna be work-happy? or work sad?
Excellent point, Dr. Dean! If I thought I was great, I probably wouldn’t try to get better.
I had been trying to figure out what it is that is lacking in my life. I truly love reading blogs, learning about the experiences of others and truly not feeling so inadequate as I often do because others are feeling the same. I started reading your blog a awhile back and honestly thought you were the most confident person I had ever read. You are talented and you should never for a minute think anything less. Please continue to shine your light on this world and be an inspiration.
Tammy recently posted…Feel Better Today
Thank you so much, Tammy! I also take comfort in the fact that I’m not the only one struggling. I feel like if I talk about it, it’ll encourage more people to talk about it and we can all work to support each other.
Great read. And going by what everyone else has commented, you are a good writer.
Some times confidence comes after a series of successes . You wait for your turn, it’ll come.
SB @ one cent at a time recently posted…5 Practical Tips to Manage Stress In Your Life
Thanks, SB! I appreciate the advice.
Nah, you’re OK.
And your writing style *is* good, so no need to throw up like a retarded boxer dog on a favorite hallway rug (curse that dog!)
101 Centavos recently posted…“Making Money”, plus Four Other Not-Your-Usual Personal Finance Books
I love that analogy! You make me laugh 🙂
Its never too late to break out of that shell! I think logging changed me for the better and I hope it does the same for you…I have a strong feeling it will given all these great followers.
Evan recently posted…Real Estate as an Investment?
Thanks, Evan. Blogging has definitely made me a stronger person; now I just need to work on it making me a more secure person, especially when it comes to people judging me. But you’re right–I do have amazing readers!!!
I agree with the Beagle. Most people have less self confidence than they project but they hide it well (I use humor.). The more you blog and write, the greater your self confidence will increase. I think you are a great writer and more than capable of making it a full time career. You rock!
Jessica, The Debt Princess recently posted…Weekly Recap 1/29/2012: The Alexa Edition
Thank you, Jessica. I think that you’re right. The more I do it, the more my self-confidence will grow. It’s just hard to get there especially after so many years of thinking otherwise.