About a year ago, I wrote a post detailing the frustrations I felt towards some of the statements moms with multiple children make to me, the mom of an only child. It was a ranty post, with shades of anger, but I stand by it. It drives me crazy that motherhood has basically become a competition; competing for the smartest, most accomplished children who are impeccably dressed with perfectly healthy, organic, balanced, and nutritious lunches cut into all sorts of fun shapes that they eat before they spend hours of crafting and playing in their perfectly clean, Pinterest worthy home.
(Which begs the question, who are these mothers? How do they do it? Because I can’t keep up with that, y’all, but I’d really like their secrets.)
And in this game, the more kids you have, the more points you get, effectively making you a better mother. I say that’s all horseshit and not simply because by those standards, I am an epic failure of a mother. I am about as far from a perfect mother as one can get but my kid is happy, healthy, mostly well adjusted (would I really be doing my job if I didn’t give her at least a little bit to talk to a therapist about?), and creative. She also know she is loved. Which is really what matters most.
It makes me sad that we still see our worth in terms of our kids’ successes and accomplishments, and we, as women and mothers, are so competitive about it. And let’s not even discuss how poorly we collectively treat women who don’t have kids (I can’t stand the word “childless” and refrain from using it whenever possible).
And I’d like to change that. Starting with this post.
While I can’t guarantee I’ll be perfect, here are some promises I’m making to my friends without kids:
- I will not ask you, ever, why you don’t have kids. It’s none of my business, it’s your choice, and I don’t feel that you need to explain yourself to me. We can be friends even if you’re not a parent. I’m a mom but that’s not all I am and we can bond and connect on that level.
- I will never ask you when you plan to have them. Same justification as #1. Also, maybe you never plan to have them or you can’t or you simply don’t want them. Actually, you know what? If you don’t want them, and you know you don’t, I commend you for not bowing to any sort of pressure.
- I will never tell you your life is incomplete without children. While my life is certainly better because of my daughter, that doesn’t hold true for everyone (well, with their own kids. Not my kid. I’m pretty sure your life is just fine without her). There are plenty of people with fulfilled lives that don’t involve children.
- I will do my best not to shove too many pictures of my daughter down your throat. I love her and I think she’s the cutest thing ever but I’m pretty sure you don’t. So if you’ll indulge me for a few minutes, we can put that behind us.
- I will do my best not to talk about her all the time and/or bring her up in every conversation. I get that it’s a boring subject. I have other topics to discuss. Like what’s going to happen on the next season of Sons of Anarchy or the amazing recipe for buffalo meatballs I made over the weekend (with buffalo sauce. Not actual buffalo) or the books you’ve been reading. So we can talk about that instead.
- I will not judge you for treating your pets like they are your kids. Because I get it. I have pets, too, and they do become your furkids. I will not mock you for dressing them up, sending them to daycare, or taking 84792 pictures and posting them to Instagram. Maybe even though I have a human child, I still do that with my dogs (my cat is another story. She can be kind of an asshole sometimes).
- I will try really hard not to be jealous of the fact that you don’t know who Sam and Cat are. Or that you don’t have the theme song to The Haunted Hathaways stuck in your head for days. Or the fact that you have no clue about the “plots” of kids’ shows.
- I will try to refrain from using my kid as an excuse for why I can’t do things with you. Unless I truly don’t want to do something but can’t think of another reason not to do it, in which case using her is fair game.
- And, finally, I will support any and all decisions you make regarding children. I will not offer unsolicited advice on this topic, I will be an ear to listen, and I will completely understand if you choose not to throw (or attend) kid friendly parties.
And a bonus promise: I will try to never start a sentence with anything on the variation of “Oh, you don’t have kids, you don’t understand”. That’s just a bitchy thing to say.
Friends without kids, I want you in my life. I like you in my life. And I don’t want the fact that I have a child to interfere with our friendship. I will do my best to uphold these promises and in return, I ask you for one thing.
When we’re out together, no matter where we are, please, please let me pee alone. It’s probably the only moment of solitude I’ll get all week.
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[…] So many good finds on the internet this week (and weeks past. Big ups to Pocket for being a great place to store these posts so I can use them). Like this post on Mashable about 90s song that are darker than you think. Some I knew, some I didn’t. Or this post on how to quickly travel through all 50 states (if I had a bucket list, this would be on it). Or if you need to waste kill some time, take this quiz, Which 80s Cartoon Are You? (I got Muppet Babies, which, given my Muppets obsession, is perfect). You can also check out this post I wrote on Monday detailing promises I made to my friends without kids. […]
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[…] parenting posts that I’ve really appreciated even as someone without children, specifically Promises to my Friends Without Kids. I shared it and it resonated with a lot of people, both those with kids and without. Even though […]
I love everything about this post. If I were to ever be a mother (don’t plan to) I would think I would be like you. I would love my child with everything I had…but know that I am more than just a mom. I am a wife, a friend, a daughter, and my own person.
I HATE when people ask me when we are having kids…and when I say maybe never…they start to explain how they just don’t understand and how my life is missing something. You don’t know my life. I have a shit ton of nieces and nephews and they fill any need I have for kids.
Most of my friends who have kids have changed. They are not the fun people they used to be. Their whole lives revolve around their kids and they never take time for themselves and you can tell they are miserable. And they are so damn judgy about the friends that do get a sitter on a Saturday night and go out. They don’t realize that the parents that take time for themselves are happy and it is healthy for their kids.
I respect that you have balance. 🙂
Nadine recently posted…Weekend Shenanigans – The Last of July
I know people who will openly condemn those who use sitters or send the kids to a grandparent’s house for the weekend or even day camp because (this is a direct quote) “I didn’t have kids to give them away to someone else to take care of”. Obviously these are psychotic SAHMs. And I’m no longer friends with some of them as a result. There is nothing wrong with taking a break. It’s healthy for everyone and honestly, I love that my daughter has a great relationship with her grandparents. She needs that. So do they.
For the record, I don’t think anyone who doesn’t have kids is missing something. Not everyone needs kids to feel fulfilled. And if you NEED a kid to feel fulfilled, there’s something maybe a little off. A child should be a want.
I really love this. Thanks for it!
I think it is extremely important for women to retain their identities as individuals. When your kids gain independence, you need to have you there to fill you up. It’s also important to show our kids (especially our daughters) that we take care of ourselves and that we matter – our time matters, our hobbies matter, our work matters our thoughts and feelings matter – we do not shove ourselves aside for the good of others all the time.
Nothing pisses me off more than people asking me when I’m going to have kids. I’m sorry, is the world privvy to my reproduction? I didn’t think so. It’s always the people who don’t know you really well who ask too. So rude.
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…TWTW – how is it already the end of July?
I don’t know why strangers feel that it’s acceptable to comment on someone’s reproductive status. When I was pregnant, I was enormous. The size of a planet, really. People felt the need to tell me that my doctor was wrong and I was definitely having twins and all sorts of other goodies like that. I wanted to smack them so hard.
Maintaining an identity outside of motherhood actually makes me a better mother. I need to feed that side of myself in order to be fully present for Erica otherwise I’d probably end up resenting her for “taking” me away from myself. And that’s really not good.
Goddess bless you for posting this, Jana! I become an crazy, enraged
momma if I hear or know of anyone asking my Stephanie if she is having kids.
I also believe we have a life chart on the other side to experience and grow with love and kindness and learning while we are here.
Everything happens for a reason.
I do not think anyone knows how it is to be anything unless they are living it. I do not know how it is to not have kids. I don’t know what it’s like to be a librarian, a chef, etc.,etc. And every person’s experience is different. I would say that you do not know what you would do in a certain situation, but we all have opinions.
Bottom line, having kids does not make you a better person.
And most important is gratitude for all that you do have, for all of your gifts, blessings, clean water, every little and big thing!
Thanks again. Love Steph’s MOMMA
You have so much wisdom, Linda! And I love that you commented because it made my day!
The point you made about not knowing how to be anything unless you’re living it is so accurate. But for some reason, when it comes to others having kids, people feel that they can say whatever they want. It’s just rude and senseless.
I would never ever judge someone without kids and although I know most people think the more kids you have the better mother you are but I think the more kids you have the crazier you are.
I like that even though we both have kids we never talking kids stuff until the other day. 🙂
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Whenever I see a large family, my first thought is “OMG, that’s a lot of kids. How do they manage?”
I like having mom friends who can talk about more than their kids. It’s so important to see ourselves outside of just being mom. And I think we have similar parenting styles, which helps.
Fantastic post! I feel like it would be difficult to maintain the self awareness to see other people’s point of view. I know when I got my dog that was all I talked about for months. But I don’t want to be so single minded again. I like being who I am and being well rounded, and that was one of the things that scares me about having kids one day.
So thanks for showing that you can have kids and still maintain a sense of self! (Oh, and thanks for being considerate to your non-kid-having friends! We could all use a little more of that.)
Jenn @ Business, Life & Design recently posted…Injured Ankle – The Saga
Thank you! And you’re welcome!
I need to separate my mom identity from my Jana as a real person identity. They’ve learned to coexist pretty well but I don’t want one dominating the other.
I love this post! I am not sure if I will get to have kids even though I want them. It hurts when people ask, because I am not sure if I will find the right person before my body will allow kids. I know that if I do get the chance I don’t want it to consume my whole personality. I don’t want to be a picture picture Pinterest Mom either because that is exhausting. I would rather make a mess and have fun with my kid that being spotless.
Kerry recently posted…Weekend of Lazy
Your second and third sentence is EXACTLY why people need to keep their mouths shut when it comes to this.
Being a Pinterest perfect mom is too much work and I’m lazy and also, having fun is more important. I accept that my house will never be spotless and that’s just fine.
Great post. I hate when people say you don’t have kids so you don’t understand or know. I have an opinion which I am entitled to and all I am stating. Don’t use my not having a child as a weapon to silence me. I adore children and am so thankful to have the Children that are in my life.
I have some friends that get legit angry when people without kids give them advice, especially about parenting. I sort of get where they’re coming from but most people aren’t doing it maliciously or questioning their parenting skills; they’re truly trying to help. So they’re just oversensitive I guess. Besides, people without kids might have a perspective parents hadn’t thought of. Not having kids doesn’t invalidate someone’s advice!
I think advice from anyone is fraught with issue however when a conversation is flowing you can bet there will be opinions. I think sensitivity is an issue and it is very easy when you are conversing about children. When a person without them offers an opinion if it is not inline with the parents they will be beaten back with the you do not have kids bit lol. To me when I am talking about children having been one, having babysat children, having talked to and listened to them I know I am not a parent but that does not mean I do not understand kids. Furthermore I think parents do not always appreciate other parents advice. The line “oh I would never allow my child to get away with that”coming from a parent or non parent is not appreciated LOL
Knowing my kid and how I parent, there are certain behaviors I see that I will say “my child WOULD NEVER get away with that” because it’s true. I actually avoid certain parents now because of how their kids act.
When I was a new parent, I hated when people who didn’t have kids would give me advice. But now, I kind of like it at times because they may offer a perspective or method I had never thought of to help with a situation. You can’t automatically devalue or discount someone’s advice because they don’t have offspring.
I concur Jana. Everyone brings something to the table.
I LOOOOOVE this post, girl! As someone who doesn’t want kids (never have and most likely never will) I get questions like you mentioned ALL. THE. TIME. I guess I don’t understand why people care so much one way or the other. Kids are a HUGE decision and they’re a lot of work and huge responsibility no matter how many you have. Everyone is different. There’s not a specific formula that applies to all people without kids and there’s not one that applies to everyone WITH them!
I really don’t get why other people care whether or not someone chooses to reproduce. If you’re not living that person’s life, or paying that person’s bills, then you basically need to shut up. They are a huge decision and a personal one at that. I truly don’t get why people can’t recognize that what works for them might not work for someone else.
FANTASTIC.
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I want to say some day when someone says to me you don’t know you don’t have a child “and look you do and yet you still mess up” lol
this is such a great post. I don’t have kids, obviously, and sometimes I just want to smack people with kids, like certain people not everyone, who treat me like an idiot or like they know something i dont. i mean i know they actually do know something i dont, but i know that when i have kids it will be great, and i know that having kids is hard, and i know you’re busy and i know you are still the same person and i know you are a different person (contradictawho?) and i should hold neither against you, but damn. its exhausting thinking about how i offend you (proverbial you) every time i breathe. thats how some people make me feel, anyway.
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I can’t wait for SOA to return. Marilyn Manson and Courtney Love will be on it! What do you think is going to happen? I am going nuts! Only one more month! I haven’t seen one trailer or teaser poster. Kurt Sutter is such a sneaky person. He doesn’t share ANYTHING!
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Also Lea Michele and Malcolm Jamal Warner! WHAT?!
I’ve read/watched a few things and I am even more excited. I think Jax is going to lose his mind and it’s going to get very ugly. And I just feel so bad for Juice, because he keeps getting mixed up in everyone else’s mess. His choice but still.
As someone without children, who most likely won’t be having children, I very much appreciate this post. What on earth are we all going to do when we are in our 70’s and the kids are grown and gone if we all alienate each other?
Kristin recently posted…4 Reasons You Should Never Cosign
Thank you so much for this. I don’t have kids. I don’t want kids. But I love kids. I’m a children’s librarian. I love being auntie to my sisters kids and my friends kids. I actually enjoy hearing about their kids and seeing pictures about their kids. (I mean I also want to talk about more than JUST the kids, but I want to share in the joy of their kids.) I just don’t want to give up my life as it is, because I love my life as it is.
Which makes it so hard when friends break your rules. I have stopped being friends with folks because of their judgement of me for not having kids, and the pressure they insisted on putting in me to have them. I have stopped interacting with some family members for the same reason. Which broke my heart, because if nothing else I wanted to keep being Auntie to their kids. But I just couldn’t stand where things went every conversation, no matter what I said to ask them to stop.
Thank god most if my family and friends are like you. I have wonderful parents I love all around me, and kids I love all around me. And auntie life is good!
woman. you need to move here so we can be awesome friends together. this totally speaks to my heart because i completely agree….there are some moms out there who are straight up competitive sanctimommy bitches. YEAH, I SAID IT BECAUSE IT’S TRUE. it’s why i stopped going to those play groups after the first visit because it was non-stop competition over stupid shit like, my 9 month old can walk; why can’t yours? listen biatch, unless your 9month child is composing music or reading chapter books, don’t even come at me with this bullshit, brah.
i also never ever bring up kayla during conversations with friends – even those who have kids. unless they’re talking about something funny but for the most part, we leave all that family talk at the door when we see each other. there are some who will non-stop talk about their kids (hello, booooooring!) so i just don’t talk to them or i turn around and talk to someone else. i don’t know why some people are ALL about their kids – yes, i get that you love them but news flash: everyone else thinks it’s boring. #sorrynotsorry.
obvs, i have a LOT to say about this topic LOL. ok, rant over haha!
this is my long-winded way of saying that this is a post i truly love.
-kathy
Vodka and Soda
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