There is a blog I read semi-regularly that annoys, irritates and frustrates the hell out of me. Why do I read it? Good question. I read it for several reasons: 1) it’s not completely personal finance and I like to read sites that are out of my niche; 2) the woman is not a horrible writer and, at times, is kind of entertaining; and 3) the drama.
Oh, yes. This woman’s life is filled with more drama than an episode of 90210, The Real World and Teen Mom all rolled into one. Quite frankly, on some level, I do feel bad for her. She’s had series of horrible events happen to her, including a cheating husband, no child support, and a difficult time with the state of Connecticut’s family court system. From her description of her life the last few years, it hasn’t been a picnic. However…
If I had a chance to talk to this woman, I don’t know that I’d be the most supportive. I’m not saying that the events leading to her current situation were her fault (I’m the last person who would ever blame the one who was cheated on) but the way she’s approached some of the obstacles is a bit…well, terrible. She has a horrible, entitlement attitude that does nothing to improve her station. And it infuriates me. And because I do things like this, I’ve had dozens of imaginary conversations with her in my head and they went something like this:
Dear mommy blogger,
While I appreciate that you’re in a tough spot, and have been for many years, I am finding it increasingly difficult to be sympathetic towards you anymore. In the beginning, I did. You were left in a lurch and completely screwed over by a man who vowed to take care of you until the end. And he is a giant piece of shit for what he did to you and your children. However, I’ve noticed that, lately, you have made it difficult to feel any feelings towards you except anger and hostility. I imagine some of your other readers feel the same way.
I do feel that you need to take some steps to earn back my sympathy (providing you even want it. You may not. If that’s the case, you can stop reading now. I won’t be offended). Here they are:
- Stop complaining and whining. I get that everyone needs to vent. I do it. But there’s a fine line between whining and complaining and venting. Venting means expressing your frustration while taking some action to improve your situation. Whining and complaining means you just incessantly bitch about whatever happens to be bothering you without doing anything to make it go away. You see the key difference? Action. People don’t mind listening to a person vent as long as there’s steps being taken to solve the problem. But whining and complaining gets grueling to read and even more tiresome to listen to. You will lose your support system if you continue to bombard your readers with complaints, and, when you do share something positive (like your new job—congrats!), it’s hidden in the middle of more negative thoughts and complaints. Please just be positive once and awhile. Your readers will appreciate it.
- Stop playing the victim. Yes, you have been screwed over. By a lot of people. There’s no denying that. However, what you perceive as a personal slight and complete injustice thrust upon you by your state (and ex-husband) is not that. What you perceive as complete mistreatment by the system designed to help you (for the record, I feel you have been given the short end of the stick but, in some instances, you have not. You have an entitlement attitude that you deserves to be exempt from the same rules and requirements as everyone else) is not a conspiracy. Many of those people, particularly the caseworkers you have so much contempt for, are following the very strict rules attached to their jobs. If they don’t do that, they get in trouble by their supervisors and the courts. They don’t want that on their heads. It’s not personal and no one is attacking you because of your religion or anything else. You are not the only woman to have her husband walk out on her, yet you are one of the women who now acts like the world now owes her because of it. Stop it.
- Stop making excuses for why you can’t do something. And please start assuming some responsibility. Never in my life, not even through spending 10 years working in social services, have I seen someone make so many excuses for not being able to do virtually anything. And it’s always someone else’s fault. Your husband walked out on you. Your car doesn’t work. You can’t give up your organic diet. You must homeschool. The state and the judges and the case workers are all in a conspiracy against you. You assume no responsibility for your situation (let me be clear: your ex-husband is an giant asshole. But he is not the only man to ever do so, yet you refuse to stop acting like he ruined your life. See bullet point above). You spent money that you don’t have on your kids’ birthdays. Yet, up until a few weeks ago, you didn’t work. You constantly complained about no heat, not having money for gas or food or necessary car repairs.
- Stop expecting everyone else to solve your problems. You are abusing your readers. You are constantly asking us to provide financial support for your family because…well, I’m not sure why. You provide laundry lists for why your jobs (current and past) don’t provide enough, yet you spent years relying on your children’s part-time income and your church to provide for you. And now you ask it of your readers. You ask us to buy your daughters’ handmade dolls. To buy your book. To sponsor your children for school. We can help make things easier but these are not sustainable solutions to your problems. You must figure that out on your own. We can’t do it for you.
So that’s it. I wish you the very best of luck in everything. I hope, now that you’re working and some of your kids are either adults or in school, your situation improves. I hope that you can move on from this incredibly shitty chapter of your life, having learned some good lessons along the way.
I’ll still be on the sidelines rooting for you, despite our opposing views on virtually everything, but if some things don’t change, I don’t know that I’ll be able to follow your story much longer. In either case, I wish you the very best.
–Jana
Readers, have you ever known anyone like this? What would you say to that person, given the chance?
Have I ever met anyone like this?!?! Way…too…many…to…count. Unfortunately some of them are too close to shut out (or unsubscribe from their RSS…) so I’m “stuck” seeing them relatively often so to speak. It’s amazing how many “problems” people have that just make me want to puke. Unfortunately I don’t have the heart to tell these people that I’d rather staple my tongue to a burning building than to have a conversation with them about how tough their life is when they do nothing to take control of it and make it better. Thanks for getting me going… haha.
By the way, did you notice how I blamed you there there for getting me on a rant… 😉 Oh the irony.
Nick recently posted…Extreme debt repayment: where’s the line?
Ughh, I have a few family members like this. As if constantly flapping their mouth in the most negative way possible is going to solve their problems.
Niki recently posted…Breaded and Baked Cauliflower… Yummy Yummy
Know any, I AM that person!! J/K I hope 🙂
To be honest, I think that she is just like most of America. She wants (and probably craves) the attention and for people to feel sorry for her. She takes a bad situation and tries to make it into this insurmountable set of circumstances to make herself out to be some sort of heroine as she starts improving and everything. But most of all, she isn’t accountable for anything in her life. Not anything too surprising from my experiences.
I’d just make a clean break and stop visiting because all you are going to do is make yourself nuts by subjecting your brain to that kind of crap.
Eric J. Nisall – DollarVersity recently posted…Starting A Business Is Not The Solution To Your Problems
Amen – just because you recently discovered the world doesn’t revolve around you doesn’t mean that the world instead conspires against you. Pity is about the worst way to try to get things for yourself – even if you succeed, you do so by trading some of your reputation.
And yes, I know people like this.
PK recently posted…Who Won the 2012 London Olympics?
Yes, I know people like that. I don’t know that I could continue reading that blog, or, in my comments, I’d probably link to an article about the mother who lost her legs protecting her kids from the house falling down around them in a tornado (or something similar) as a reminder that bad things happen- to everyone. And the difference between those bad things being a chapter in our lives or ruining the rest of our lives is our attitude.
shanendoah@the dog ate my wallet recently posted…Home Inspection
Okay so maybe I have been known throw my own pity party a time or two but I don’t tend to blame anyone else for it or expect someone else, especially virtual strangers to help fix it!
In leadership training, someone wise once told me to only listen to someone’s complaint if they have a suggestion on how to fix it. Also, when someone wants/needs help give advice and wait until they are willing to take action. Don’t continue on the journey until that first step is taking then don’t move forward again until step two is taken. It relieves me of spinning my wheels on someone who just wants to complain or is not willing to better themselves.
Also, I love that I am not the only one who has imaginary conversations 😉
Jenniemarie @ Another Housewife recently posted…Making Football a Family Affair
That’s funny. I used to whine all the time in college. Then a professor one day suggested that I read The Road Less Travelled. I ran out and got it, thinking there was some great advice. Instead, it starts by pointing out that “Life is hard” and once we accept that, everything else is a blessing. Maybe you should get her this book?
AverageJoe recently posted…My Favorite Quirky College Saving Strategy
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this rant 🙂 I can’t stand people that make excuses, because even though bad things happen to good people, that doesn’t mean that your life has to be eternally shitty. Do something about it!
Mo’ Money Mo’ Houses recently posted…Is Setting Aside "Fun Money" a Good Idea?
THANK YOU!!!!
This post is perfect timing. I am going through some Shit right now and have already posted some rantyish things on my LiveJournal.
Reading this has made me realize that I could be in danger of becoming That Person so I will make an effort to keep things in check!
Thanks again!
I work with a few people like this. And I read one blog outside the PF genre that I’m thoroughly fed up with too – too many excuses, no action.
We all go through periods where we need to vent (or even whine). I know I have been recently too. But I’m acting with purpose to FIX my issues. And there is the difference.
Kris @ BalancingMoneyandLife recently posted…What’s in Your Junk Drawer Could be Costing You Money
Ugh, yes, yes I do. I know that I vent sometimes but I always try to come up with a plan (or I hope I do). And yes, I visit blogs like this from time to time. Mostly its for the entertainment value…and than I feel guilty for doing that.
bogofdebt recently posted…Sick
I used to read a very popular blog very regularly but lately things have completely changed. I now only read a select few.posts a month and ignore the rest. It is sad but I don’t need to waste my time reading posts that provide no value to me at all.
Lance@MoneyLife&More recently posted…How to Write a Check
I used to read a recipe blog that had the girl complain all the dang time, and I stuck around because I liked her recipes. Then I stopped eating flour, and stayed subscribed to her RSS simply b/c I found her entertaining. But then? I realized I was happier not to read her thoughts/feelings/etc.
Kathleen @ Frugal Portland recently posted…What’s the Point?
I have known SO many people like this, it’s just sick. After a while, the constant negativity drives me away and then I just hide from them.
Sure we all whine and complain sometimes, but it’s important to know when to get off your ass and do something to fix it.
So, did you send her this? Are you gonna? Will you tell us what blog it is?
Jen @ Master the Art of Saving recently posted…Buying Our First House: Other Costs
No, I’m not going to send this. There’s really no point (especially when you consider the fact that she deletes negative comments. You can only imagine what she’d do with this 🙂 ). I also will not share what blog it is; that’s just mean.