Back when I was a personal finance blogger, I contributed to short eBook, 21 Days to Healthier Finances, for the site Credit Shout. The site has changed ownership and the new owner, a very nice guy named Dave, is promoting the original book and, as a contributor, I thought I’d help him out since books are kind of big deal around here. Especially ones that I’ve been a part of. Because there’s only been 2 so far.
My topic revolved around successfully managing money as a couple. My husband and I might fight about some things but money really isn’t one of them. I’ve discussed why we don’t fight about money and how we handle our budget meetings (yep, we’re that couple. #noshame, friends) so there’s no need to rehash those and, in the book, I listed 5 ways we effective handle our money so let’s take a look at those and what I’d add now:
- Divide and conquer. We split the responsibilities because for us, one person doing all the work with the other person sitting on the couch eating ice cream doesn’t make sense. Play to your strengths and your partner’s strengths. That might mean one person doing the heavy lifting for the day to day expenses and one doing it for the long term planning. Be clear about your roles, and make sure each person is comfortable with their role. Adding in: If handling your money this way works for you, don’t forget to keep the other person informed and apprised of what you’re doing. Do not make decisions unilaterally unless your partner has given you explicit permission to do so. For instance, if the husband is researching mortgage rates so we can refinance our current mortgage (long, boring story), he does the legwork but then let’s me know a) what he’s done and b) what our options are. We discuss and then decide, together, how we’re going to proceed.
- Talk honestly. Financial infidelity is a real thing. It causes A LOT of conflict in relationships and it’s probably not something you want in yours. To prevent the conflict, don’t lie. Don’t lie about debts or purchases. Be honest about your goals and plans and anything else that can affect your financial future. Adding in: Don’t withhold anything, either. Withholding is not necessarily the same as lying but it can have just as disastrous of an effect. Also, don’t stay silent for the sake of keeping the peace. If you’re managing the daily expenses and your partner’s spending is way out of line and you’re struggling with paying bills or buying food as a result, you need to say something. Yes, it’ll be uncomfortable but you have to let them know.
- Compromise. Every person is different and comes into a relationship with different goals and ideas and plans for their money as well as different styles for managing money. Those plans might not always match. The money management style might not make any sense to you. Which is why #2 is so important, and why you need to use it to find a middle ground between you and your partner. Adding in: Be flexible. Yes, it’s intrinsic to compromise that you’re flexible but money is fluid and your financial circumstances might change and you need to change along with them, even if it means compromising even more for a little while.
- Set goals. You and your partner need to know where your money is going and what you’re working for. Decide together if you’re going to travel or buy a house or have one person be a stay at home parent (again, make sure you’re utilizing #2 and #3. None of these are mutually exclusive). Set target dates and work together to achieve those targets. Adding in: I still believe you need to have joint financial goals but I would add that it’s also okay to have individual financial goals. Just make sure that your partner understands (and hopefully supports) what you’re doing. And realize that as your priorities change, your goals will change so make sure you’re revisiting and updating your goals at least twice a year.
- Be patient. Coming to a mutual agreement on the way your household uses and manages its money will take time and effort, and there will probably be a whole lot of mistakes. There will be disagreements. Some might involve yelling. But eventually, if you keep working on it (and maintain the desire to work on it), you’ll be able to mesh your styles together peacefully and in a way that works for both of you. Adding in: This is the hardest part of the process and having gone through it, I truly understand why some couples choose to keep their finances separate. For us, though, it was important to learn how to manage our money together (for the record, we still have separate personal accounts for our individual fun money, like his fantasy football stuff and my Spotify fee) so we kept trying and trying until we found what worked for us. Sure, it was trying on my patience (and his) but it was worth it.
Overall, I’d add that none of these are mutually exclusive. They all work together and you need to use one to build on the next. I’d start with honesty. That’s the foundation. Not only does no one like a liar but if you’re comfortable enough to be honest, the rest should fall into place. Because honesty builds trust. And you need trust when you’re dealing with money together.
What would you guys add to my list?
money can be a big reason why people fight. we’ve been good with that for years until my husband started cycling…do you know how hella expensive cycling is?? it got to a point that i kept seeing money taken out weekly for shit and i was like OH HELL NO so i made him open up a separate account, deposit a percentage of his cheque into it and he pays for his cycling shit from that account. the home account is for home shit, not cycling shit.
kathy@more coffee, less talky recently posted…randomness
My parents fought horribly about money. A big reason I went back to work full time
For many years ! My mom overspent always. I handled the money first time around. My current husband is an ace handling our finances. At our age, a big regret is not having jobs that gave us taxpayer-funded pensions! Also, my husband and I were not from families who could give to us , we helped support our parents many times. Very grateful for all we have and where we came from led us to where we are today. Love, Steph’s Momma
We don’t fight about money either and I manage all the finances. I hate being the bill payer person but I like being in control. 🙂
He doesn’t spend a lot of money anyway, every once and a while he makes a biggish purchase but mostly it’s a beer after work here and there.
Kelli recently posted…Catching The Dream
We are both pretty free with our spending and don’t check in with each other on that. I do check the cards we use and slow the roll if the balances are getting high since we like to pay them off at the end of the month unless we’ve charged a trip and have a payment plan for that (usually 2-3 months).
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…Thursday Thoughts
All great advice that we’ve implemented, though it took us many years to do so. First, we divided & conquered. Then we learned to be patient with one another. Just last year, we sat and REALLY talked about our finances & goals. We wish we made more money (who doesn’t?!) but we also feel great about where we are because KNOWING our place really gives us power over it, know what I mean? Great advice!
I think these are all great tips!!! Money can be a hard thing to talk about and I know several couples that fight about it. Chris and I try to remain open, honest and understanding about all topics so money is one of them. We can always improve though!
Nadine recently posted…I Smell Friday!
My husband and I need to sit down again and talk. We’ve let things get away from us again and we need to seriously freeze things. Thanks for the gentle reminder that we’ve got to do that.
Lindsay recently posted…Charlie’s Recovery – 23 Days Post-Op
my husband and I really don’t fight too much about money. It’s probably because when we first got married we were both spenders and bad savers. Sometimes I’m the one who has to reign him in when it comes to electronics and upgrading our cable plan. You have all great tips here. We have been better savers since buying our house and having our daughter. Getting older can be so boring!
Karen recently posted…Modern Romance By Aziz Ansari
love this post Jana. My husband and I don’t fight about money exactly, but we definitely had different habits coming into the marriage and it’s caused conflict. But we both want the same endgame, so we don’t fight, we just talk about how we can get to where we want to be. I mean, we’ve only been married a couple years so we have a long way to go but I have definitely found a lot of these to be true.
I am a shopaholic and I want to lie about my purchases – it’s embarrassing, but it’s true and I will not share what I bought if I’m not asked. I am getting better (posting it on my blog and stuff) and he asks me what purchases are.. a friend of mine thinks he’s controlling me, but it 100% helps me not shop. I don’t resent him for it, I asked him to ask me.
Also, the dividing and conquering – I pay all the bills and manage all the money, he makes the long term goals like what we should save for or what we need to fix around the house. He is not a spender at all, like at all at all, he’s been talking about building a new computer since 2011 and he’s finally doing it this year because I just went out and bought the first part lol.
Anyway, i’m rambling. I think that honesty and communication are 100% the most important things.
kristen recently posted…Guilty Pleasure Songs
These are great tips, thank you so much for sharing! We are both spenders to a degree, but I think I am the more conservative of the two of us, I’m afraid to overspend! But it doesn’t really cause us to fight, we just keep the lines of communication open and talk about our budget a lot so we are sure we’re staying on the same page.
Julia @ Grace Makes New recently posted…Currently…
My husband and I rarely fight about money either. In fact, I don’t think we’ve ever fought about money. And, as a small business owner selling luxury items in economic times that people don’t want to throw money at luxury items, well, times are tough. But, we truly work well together.
Erin of TexErin-in-SydneyLand recently posted…Fortunate
Really good tips/rules. I haven’t been in a relationship where we really merged finances yet, but I do have a pretty clear idea of how I will feel comfortable doing so when I reach that point in the future. Hopefully my future hypothetical partner can be in agreement on that, hah.