Jana Says

Monday morning musings

July 14, 2014 by Jana 20 Comments

I don’t normally do weekend wrap-up posts because there’s only so many interesting and creative ways I can tell you I ran errands, read books, watched Netflix, and spent time with my family. That’s pretty much what I do all weekend, every weekend unless it’s cheer season and that’s even more boring than my regular life. We do sometimes socialize, like this past weekend, but I don’t know that that’s all that interesting either. Unless you count getting 455910 mosquito bites on my ankles, legs, and feet as interesting.

I don’t.

This past weekend, though, some pretty significant events happened and I wanted to share a couple of them with you guys.

First, as some of you may or may not know, I run a blogger mentoring program. I’ve been doing it for just about 2 years now and while the program itself is in the middle of a restructuring/reorganization phase, I am running a live session at a conference in September (the conference is in New Orleans. I’ve never been. To say I’m excited is a big fat understatement). However, financially, paying for the conference was a concern. My husband and I truly did not know how we were going to pull it off but then, on Saturday, I got an email that not only did my session get a sponsor, but the sponsor is a blogger I highly respect and I am thrilled to help her promote her next product (as soon as I have her permission, I’ll share with you guys what it is). This means that the financial pressure of the conference is off and I get to work with someone I admire (seriously, she’s a blogging rock star).

Major, major victory for me.

Which leads me to the second big thing. This one is more introspective, though. While processing the fact that I have a sponsor and all that, it made me realize that I’m afraid of my own success. Whenever I get to the brink of having success either with writing or my former career or my mentoring business, it’s freaks me out to the point that all the fears and doubts take over and I do something to sabotage myself. It can be something small, like pull back from writing or abandon a project, or it can be something big like not send an email to a particularly well known contact, but I inevitably do something.

Apparently one thing I’m really good at is making bad choices.

I know that I wrestle with low self-esteem, and I have for as long as I can remember, and those inner voices that tell me that I don’t deserve to be successful. And since I believe them, my actions that I take, or don’t take, turn those voices into a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s a vicious cycle, and then, at the end I sit and wallow in the fact that I’m not a successful writer, business owner, blogger, whatever it is I’ve just ruined.

That’s my fault.

It’s not that I want to be famous. I don’t. In fact, one of my ideal/dream jobs is as a ghost writer for a big name series, like the people who wrote the Sweet Valley High or Babysitter’s Club books. All the writing, steady paycheck, none of the fame. It’s perfect for me. Yet do I do anything to make this dream happen? No.

And that’s my fault, too. I make excuses for why I can’t do the things I know I need to do when truly it’s my own self that I’m battling. It’s my own issues that prevent me from reaching out, working harder, and putting myself out there.

And I want more than anything to believe in myself. I want to own what I’m good at. Yet I simply can’t.

I tried addressing this in therapy and honestly, it made it worse. I realize that’s probably because I had a shitty therapist but maybe also a little bit me. Maybe deep down, I don’t want to change because this is comfortable. It’s what I know and the kind of change and growth involved in developing a healthy dose of self-confidence is too scary for me to handle.

Because maybe it’ll lead to the success I’m afraid of.

So realizing all of that, and admitting to myself, and all of you, is pretty significant. Now I just have to work on making it better.

Have you guys ever had a moment where you finally admit something to yourself you didn’t want to? How did you handle it?

Friday favorites: Special edition

July 11, 2014 by Jana 27 Comments

We have a special guest poster for this week’s edition of Friday favorites. She’s not a blogger, she’s super cute, painfully smart, and she’s my 7 year old daughter, Erica.

Erica makes rare appearances on the blog both in name and picture but we talked about it and she’s completely fine with me sharing that information for this post. So before we go on to the Q&A portion of today’s favorites (because getting her to sit still long enough to write the post herself was an exercise in just how much patience I don’t have), here’s a picture:

She’s obviously the yellow M&M.

In an effort to keep this on track and not go completely awry, I had her make a list of her 10 favorite things and then asked her to tell me why she likes them. She loved being interviewed and if she ever becomes famous, the talk show circuit will not be a problem for her. So that’s good. I suppose.

Anyway.

Let’s take it away with Erica’s Friday favorites:

1. Spotify. Erica says: It has songs I like and I like listening to music. Jana says: this is proof she is my child.

2. Toys. Erica says: I can be creative and make my own games and fashions with my Barbies. Jana says: take out the fashion part, and this is further proof she is my child.

3. TV. Erica says: My favorite shows are Sam & Cat, the Haunted Hathaways, Every Witch Way, The Thundermans, and My Little Pony. Hey, Mommy, why didn’t you write down Spongebob? Jana says: Because Spongebob is horrible. We’ve covered this before. Also, Nickelodeon is always on in my house. I think my TV is even sick of Sam and Cat.

4. Gummies. Erica says: My favorite gummies are fruit snacks and Gummi Bears. Jana says: I don’t know how the hell she is my child. Gummy snacks are the worst. But this picture of cannibears is hilarious.

5. School. Erica says: I like school because I can learn and be smart. Math and writing are my favorite subjects. Jana says: I’m fairly certain this is my one allotted parenting victory of the year.

6. Ocean City, MD. Erica says: It’s my favorite place because it has the beach and the boardwalk and good French fries. Jana says: this is my proudest moment ever.

7. Our dogs and cat. Erica says: I like to play with Dobie and chase Barkley with the football. Jana says: it’s more like she enjoys annoying the shit out of Dobie until he walks away and playing keep away with Barkley’s football. He, too, gets pissed.

8. Cooking. Erica says: My favorite thing to cook is oatmeal raisin cookies. Jana says: this about sums it up:

9. Rarity. Erica says: She’s my favorite My Little Pony because she has purple hair and is fancy. Jana says: Rarity is actually kind of an asshole. Pinkie pie, however, is hilarious.

10. Woofie. Erica says: He’s my favorite stuffie because he’s cuddly. Jana says: He’s her favorite stuffie because I forced it on her when she was a baby since he was one of the biggest yet portable and durable stuffed animals we had. But they’re really cute together.

That’s all she said. I hope you enjoyed getting to know my little girl (though I am surprised she left out cheerleading and ice cream and Frozen). She (and I) want you to have a great weekend!

Linking up with Amanda.

The ways in which I’m grateful for my depression

July 9, 2014 by Jana 10 Comments

Ordinarily, I link up with Kathy for Humpday Confessions. This week, though, I needed to take a break because there’s been something weighing on my mind and I wanted to get it out.

It’s about my depression.

Not in the way I usually talk about it. From a different perspective.

For those who are new, here’s a brief synopsis: approximately three years ago, I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and mild PTSD (I think this last one is a bit of a stretch but we’ll roll with it). I’m pretty sure I’ve had depression and anxiety for years prior to the diagnosis, although it was usually termed “low self-esteem” or “being high strung”. And while those might also be the case, depression and anxiety are real, DSM diagnoses, making my issues more tangible and concrete. People can accept those without incessantly peppering conversation with pop psychology or motivational, inspirational quotes (although they’re nice and well meaning, they truly don’t help).

After a major depressive episode, and anxiety attack, I decided to take mental health leave from my job (which, given the nature of what I was doing at the time, didn’t help my issues). While on leave, I actually started to feel better. More like myself than I had felt in a long time. Therapy wasn’t helping (we can talk about that another day, how a therapist can make your problems worse. Job security, I guess, for some of them), but other treatments were. The meds helped. Being home definitely helped. Exercise, something I had always hated in the past, made a huge difference.

The main point, though, is that I finally started to heal. I could see the clichéd light at the end of the tunnel. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not fully out of the tunnel and probably never will be, but I’m basically the lead car in a traffic jam. And coming through it made me realize just how grateful I am for my depression. Because it has reshaped what’s important to me and gave me new perspective on just about everything. When you’re in that dark of a place, it all seems hopeless. As you come out of it, though, you realize just how amazing life can be.

And for me, my depression shifted my priorities and perspectives. In fact, when it all comes down to it, I owe my depression a debt of gratitude. Because without it, I:

Would not have quit my job. Make no mistake about it, it’s not easy, financially, around these parts. But the value of not being stressed or sad when I go to work is worth it. Every. Single. Day.
Would not be pursuing my dream of writing. As long as I can remember, I have wanted to have a book published and available for sale in a book store. I never thought, though, that I had anything good or valuable to write or say and that my ideas weren’t creative enough. I know now that’s not true.
Would not have had the strength to dump toxic people from my life. Or allow in those who make me better. Even as adults, it does not cease to amaze me how strong the influence our peers and friends have over our lives. Having friends around you know you can count on, and who don’t see life as some twisted competition you’ll never win, is essential.
Would not have learned to enjoy exercising. I’ll be honest. I’m pretty lazy. I’d rather read a book or binge watch Netflix than do basically anything. But as part of my therapy, I was instructed to exercise for roughly an hour a day. So I started doing that. And now? Well, now, exercising is not at all a chore, I’ve found what I like doing, and I look forward to my workouts. I might not have lost much weight but I’m healthier than I have ever been.
Would not appreciate the small moments. Although it’s different for everyone, depression has a way of making you feel like you don’t exist. Like you’re a shell or a shadow. It’s hard to feel any emotion. For me, learning to live with mine is, in part, learning to relish in the small moments. Watching the fireflies in my yard during a rainstorm. Listening to my daughter laugh hysterically. Petting my dog and have him lick my face (or foot, depending on which dog). Finding a movie to watch with my husband and that we both agree on. Normal, every day moments that are a big deal because now, I can acknowledge how incredible they are and that I’m glad to simply be feeling something.

My depression and anxiety have shaped who I’ve become. I won’t go so far as to say they’ve made me a better person but through them, I have learned a lot about myself. What and who I truly love, who I can rely on, what really matters. Knowing that means more to me than anything.

And for as much as I want to hate my issues, and some days I do, it’s hard to hate them without embracing and thanking them, too.

I saw this quote (and yes, I appreciate the irony of having a quote like this when I mentioned that inspiring quotes don’t help) but I thought it fitting (also, I don’t know if Elizabeth Edwards really is the woman who said this but that was the attribute on Pinterest, where I found the quote so let’s run with it):

P.S. I write about my depression and anxiety both as a therapeutic mechanism for me and as a way of bringing a voice to them. There is still such a stigma surrounding these issues and the more people talk about them, the more they make them human, the stigma will lessen. That is my hope anyway.

Friday favorites, volume 10

July 4, 2014 by Jana 4 Comments

Alright. Friday favorites. Let’s get to it so I’m not taking up too much of your Fourth of July time (unless you’re in another country, (Krystal), then by all means, take your time).

Linking up with Amanda, as always.

Favorite song

I really struggled with picking a song this week. Not because I don’t like any but it’s because I like too many. Which I guess is not a horrible problem to have. Ordinarily I pick a rock song but this week’s pick, Hozier’s Take Me to Church, is pretty dark and not quite rock. It has an Elton John vibe to it, and it’s seriously cool to listen to. Unfortunately, it has a really disturbing video so I’m just sharing the song.

Humpday Confessions: I might or might not be a terrible parent

July 2, 2014 by Jana 33 Comments

It’s time for another round of Humpday Confessions with Kathy at Vodka and Soda. This time, I’m admitting all the crappy things I do as a parent. I’ve had this stuff brewing for awhile and it’s about time I let it all out. Or, take it as a way to feel better about yourself if you are a parent. And, if you’re not, you can take notes on what to do, or what not to do.

It’s not that I’m a bad mother. It’s just that, well, maybe sometimes I do, or don’t do, anything I want. Because I can. It’s a beautiful privilege.

Like how when my daughter was about 2 and learning all the animal sounds, I convinced her that every time you see that animal, you have to say hello by making its noise to it. So, if we saw a cow, she’d say “moo”. She’s 7 and still does it and it amuses me. Every. Single. Time.
I totally schedule play dates based on whose parents I can tolerate. The more I like the other kid’s parent, the more play dates we have.

I am not a sit on the floor and play Barbies kind of mom. I’ll play board games, do crafts, bake, read stories. Anything but Barbie.
If I’m really tired and want to nap, I’ll say “let’s watch a movie and you can pick”. Inevitably she’ll pick a terrible, boring movie and I get to nap and she thinks she won because she got extra TV time.
She talks constantly. I think every single thought that pops into her head comes out of her mouth. To give myself some quiet during the day (oh, right. I stay home with her), I tell her she has to do her 20 minutes of daily reading at the point in the day I can’t take it anymore.
Her sport of choice is cheerleading. I love my daughter. I do not love the cheerleading environment and secretly, and sometimes not so secretly, I mock it. I appreciate the athleticism that goes into competitive cheerleading but cheer moms make dance moms look normal and Bring It On? That shit is real, y’all. And then there’s the whole issue of cheer politics. Insanity.

Cheerleading irks me so much sometimes that I try to get her to quit. #noshame
When it comes to her TV shows, I tell her she’s not allowed to watch shows I don’t like. Like Spongebob. That porous, pineapple living motherfucker can kiss my ass.
When people tell me my child is cute or pretty, I never know how to respond. I mean, I respond with “thank you” because what I want to say is “I know” but that seems way too arrogant.
When she does or says something mean or snarky or rude, and it’s funny on top, it’s hard to reprimand her. I do but my laughing probably negates the whole thing. And occasionally, I don’t even try.

I could go on but then you’d probably start to think I really am a terrible mother. And maybe that’s okay. But, despite my quirks, she seems to be turning out just fine. At the very least, she’ll have plenty of fodder for her own blog or book. She’ll probably call it “Everything My Mom Did is Wrong but I’m Still Okay. Mostly.”