Jana Says

Maybe I suck at this stuff

September 10, 2014 by Jana 27 Comments

So last week my girl Nadine posted about all the things she’s not good at and it was awesome because I totally had a similar post planned for this week and now we have proof that we’re both super cool and have great ideas. Make sure you check out her post, too, so you can see that she and I also have very similar things that we both cannot do.

Like:

Draw. I cannot draw anything except flowers and anchors and bubble letters. You might be wondering “anchors? What the hell, Jana?” But there’s a good reason. My sorority symbol is an anchor so when I was in college and got bored in class, I’d draw anchors. It’s not classy but it kept me awake.

Tie shoes with the “loop, swoop, and pull”. Bunny ears for life!!! #noshame

Kiss ass. It is not in my genetic makeup to do such a thing. I’m a terrible liar so if I were to kiss your ass, you’d know right away that I’m full of shit. I wear every emotion on my face, too, and that doesn’t help when you’re trying to blow smoke up someone’s ass. (My vivid imagination is running away with me now and I can’t make it stop but I don’t know how else to word that sentence.)

Nadine and I differ in some of the things we can’t do. Like:

Math. It’s pretty much the worst subject ever and when I took AP calculus senior year of high school, I brought the class average down so much, it wasn’t even funny (how I wound up in calculus is it’s own insane story). My grades were unreal. Yet I somehow passed the class, got a 3 on the AP test, and vowed never to do anything with math ever again.

Whistle. This is something I’ve been working on forever and it’s really a failure at this point. For some of us, it’s not as easy as “put your lips together and blow”. And yes, I’m a 12 year old and think the double entendre in that is hilarious.

Remember anything important if I don’t write it down. My brain loves to remember phone number and birthdays of people I haven’t spoken to in 25 years or lyrics to songs I haven’t heard in 10 years, but remember to sign a permission slip or make an appointment? Nope. And forget the grocery store. We’d be eating cardboard if I went to the store without a list.

Sports. Have you ever met someone so unathletic you look at them with pity when they try to engage in any sort of sport? No? Well, now you have. I’m a terribly uncoordinated and I have slow reflexes and I’m short and pretty much every characteristic of an unathletic person. I’ll watch sports. Just don’t ask me to play.

Cleaning my car. Good grief, do I loathe this task. I don’t so much mind running it through a car wash but cleaning the inside? Not really for me. And I drive so much with the child and my dogs that 10 minutes after I’d clean it, it’d be disgusting again. Confession: sometimes I don’t mind when the ice in a takeout cup leaks because I sort of use the melted ice to clean the cupholders. #noshame

There you have it. All the things I’m no good at. At this point in my life, it doesn’t really bother me to suck at those things because I’m pretty good at what matters.

Except laundry. I’m really bad at that, too.

How about you? What aren’t you good at?

Linking up with Kathy and Liz

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It’s my life

September 8, 2014 by Jana 24 Comments

(If you sing the title like the Bon Jovi song, it's way better)

I've told you guys before that I am not above ~~stealing~~ borrowing a good idea. And after I saw these types of posts from Kenzie and Liz, I figured, hey? Why not do one of these for myself? Admittedly, I am not as interesting as those ladies, and pretty much every day looks the same for me (weekends, too, which is why I never do weekend recaps. I could write one and then just recycle it every Monday. Easy writing for me. Boring reading for you) but I thought it might be fun to answer the question “what exactly it is you do here?”

It's pretty simple.

First, my alarm goes off at 6:15. I check the phone repeatedly to make sure it's not a mistake and then lay in bed while my husband storms the bathroom first. I figure since he leaves the house to go to work, I can graciously give him a 5 minute head start on the day. He finishes whatever it is he does in there, I move a dog out of the way, and get up.

Then I get dressed, hopefully remember to put on deodorant, walk down to the living room and do this:

I want to hate Shawn T. Yet, I don't. So starting my day with him isn't so bad and I know my workout is done for the day and that's nice. Then, while still dripping with sweat, I go to my kitchen, grab a quick breakfast and pack my child's lunch. Then, I brave her room, stepping over mountains of whatever she had been playing with the night before because cleaning up requests are laughed at and ignored, and wake her up. She usually looks pretty comfortable but I don't want to go to jail for not sending her to school so I rouse her anyway.

I then spend the next hour fighting with my child, trying to make her understand that school does not, in fact, start when she wants it to but has an actual predetermined start time and we have to be there for it. I sometimes think a cattle prod would help but then think, better not. So I settle for ~~yelling~~ encouraging her loudly and emphatically.

We make it to school, I drop her off, run any errands I might have, then come home to my bunker. That's what I call my office. I spend the next 5-6 hours ~~reading the internet~~ working and alternately thinking what I do is amazing and worth the effort or hating myself for even trying and questioning every decision I make.

It's where the magic happens. And by magic, I mean self doubt.

I eat sometime during those hours, let the dogs out in the backyard so I can get my required yard time, and think about doing laundry or cleaning my house. Those last two almost never happen.

Around 3:00, I do a quick clean up of my kitchen, put the dogs on their leashes for a short walk, and we all pile into the car to get my daughter from school.

We get to the school and, depending on the day, can wait anywhere from 10-20 minutes (30 on a really bad day) to retrieve my daughter. The parent pickup line is a special kind of hell and I do it because it is actually easier than fighting with her to get on the bus, which she hates and is terrified of. And, since I know you're wondering, this is the view from the line. I think I was particularly close up that day.

We get home, she has a snack and watches some TV, I somehow manage to get things done but I can't tell you what because the hour between when we get home and I start making dinner is a time warp and the hour disappears. Since this is the third time I've mentioned eating, here's my kitchen. The amount of time I spend in here really is ridiculous.

We don't really have a set time for dinner because 3 nights a week (and one weekend morning/afternoon), we go here for cheer practice. The gym is up a very long, poorly paved driveway and through a gravelly, dusty parking lot. But isn't the entrance pretty?

After cheer, I wage another battle to get her in bed by a reasonable bedtime since waking her in the morning takes more patience than I have, especially if she's tired, but she takes 87 minute showers. It's a fine line between wanting her to enjoy showering and telling her to hurry the fuck up. After she's sufficiently clean and her bathroom is sufficiently flooded, we have storytime and finally, she's in bed.

Once she's asleep, I get to enjoy adult TV time. That is either exceptionally pleasant or exceptionally unpleasant, depending on the day of the week as my husband and I don't always agree on what constitutes good TV. We do agree occasionally and that's nice. Depending on the day, we shut the TV off at either 10 or 11, walk the dogs a final time, and go to bed. I typically read for about 20 minutes before I can fall asleep (sometimes longer if it's a good book). When I'm done reading, I shuffle the dogs around so I can get comfortable enough to sleep. Then I do.

Quick note: in my house, it's a race to fall asleep first because my husband snores and if I have to listen to it while I am trying to sleep, I get ragey and want to smother him. Smothering is illegal so I settle for a subtle jab in the arm and an angry “stop snoring!” It usually works and we all sleep well after that.

And that, my friends, is my exciting life. I suppose it could be worse.

What does your average day look like? Would you like to join me in a share your space linkup where we take pictures of our desks and talk about what's on it and why?

Friday favorites, volume 18

September 5, 2014 by Jana 10 Comments

I have mixed feelings about this week. On the one hand, a short week is awesome because less time waiting in the parent pickup line at school. On the other hand, Joan Rivers died and that’s just terrible because she was awesome and hardworking and snarky and unapologetic for how she was and we should all aspire for that. She’s one of those celebrity institutions that you just always thought would be there and now she’s…not. It’s weird to process. I mean, my life isn’t necessarily different because I didn’t know her personally but it’s still sad. She was a pioneer for women, specifically women in comedy and I have mad respect for that.

And she worked with The Muppets. Let’s pause and watch one of my favorite scenes from my favorite Muppet movie.

RIP, Joan.

On another note, thanks for all the great comments on Wednesday’s post. I feel so loved and supported and it means so much to me. I have a couple of follow up posts planned and I’ll be sure to update you on my progress.

Favorite song

Breaking Benjamin. Evil Angel. Best song on Phobia, hands down. I listen to this song pretty much every day. Sometimes on repeat. I love it that much. And Benjamin Burnley isn’t bad to look at either.

A fat girl comes clean

September 3, 2014 by Jana 37 Comments

I’ve been going back and forth for awhile about sharing this but after reading some great posts on other blogs, it made me realize I stand to lose nothing by sharing and also, I’d be a bullshit blogger if I didn’t write about things like this. So here we go. And please bear with me as I wade through all of this. I’m going to try and make it as coherent as possible.

Confession: I am fat.

To look at me, you’d say I’m not but I see the number on the scale and I see the size tags on my clothes, and all of it tells me one conclusive fact.

I. Am. Fat.

It’s not like this is something new. I’ve been overweight as long as I can remember, save for a couple of years in my earlyish twenties where I was decidedly not fat (and when I was a kid but I have no recollection of those skinny years). That came after months of hard work and dieting and when I look at myself in the mirror (which, quite frankly, I only do if I absolutely have to), I can still see that almost thin girl trying to get through (if that reminds you of what John Bender says to Claire when he learns her name, that’s totally fine because that’s what went through my head as I wrote it) but in reality, it looks like the fat girl ate her. And her friend.

To say it’s depressing is an understatement.

The thing is, I know it’s my fault. I know how to put a fork down. I know how to close a bag of chips or not eat 14 brownies or have that second serving of whatever. Yet most times, I choose not to. I used to think I didn’t know why but I really do. I just wasn’t willing to admit it before now.

You see, being fat gives me an excuse to hide from all the things that make me nervous: new friends, new situations, being on stage (which I have to do in NOLA at the conference I’m going to), having people look at me. Staying fat means I don’t have to worry about trying to be a published writer or pursuing any other big dreams I have. It lets me hide from being successful; if I’m successful, people have to see me and then I open myself up to all sort of criticizing and condemning eyes.

The worst of which are my own.

Because if you’ve ever had a conversation with me, you know I’m my own worst critic. I’m also my own worst nemesis and if anyone ever said the things to me that I say to myself, we’d no longer be friends.

I’m that vicious.

You should know that I beat myself up about how I look pretty much daily. It’s as natural to me as breathing. It’s so ingrained in who I am that I genuinely don’t know how to stop. I’m pretty sure if I were thin again, I’d still do it. You see, once you have that version of “fat you”, no matter how much weight you lose, you still see yourself as fat. Even if you have all the empirical data to prove otherwise, what you see in the mirror doesn’t change because you can’t reconcile the new you with the fat you. Not without tons of hard work and maybe even a little therapy.

And the thing is, I know I’m not the only one. I know there are plenty of women out there (men, too), who do exactly what I do every single day. And like me, their self worth is completely contingent on what the scale says in the morning or how a certain shirt looks or if our pants can fit straight out of the dryer. Which is total bullshit because I know I’m a good person despite my weight. I care about people and animals and I recycle and I call my mother. I’m fun. I’m intelligent. I’m moderately talented. I practice good personal hygiene. Yet when I look in a mirror, I don’t see that. I don’t see all the good parts about me. And all the women like me ignore all the other good, amazing aspects about themselves, too.

We just see fat.

It needs to change.

Because feeling this crappy every single day, not because of comments from strangers or husbands or friends, but because of what we say to ourselves, well, that’s pretty much the worst feeling in the world.

So for all the fat girls out there who are unhappy and don’t know where or how to start feeling better, let me be your guinea pig. Let me work out all the kinks for you. Let me do something about it and share the experience with you so when you’re ready, you can learn from my mistakes. And let me be your support because honestly? I get it. Even if it seems like no one else understands or comprehends what you’re going through, please know that I do.

Because we’re the same.

But this journey is more than just losing weight. That’s actually the easy part. The hard part is changing my inner dialog. I need to stop berating myself daily. I need to acknowledge that who I am is not dictated by how I look. I need to stop being so hard on myself and start giving myself compliments (and accepting them from others), even if I have a bad day or week or even month. I need to accept that I am more than my weight. I need to believe am a good person despite the fact that maybe I’m not ideal on a chart.

And even if I never reach some arbitrary ideal weight, that’s okay. This whole thing is about me learning to be happy with me. It’s not for anyone else. It’s only for me.

And if that’s a little selfish, then so be it. I have to live with me for the rest of my life.

You might only have to look at me for a few minutes.

Linking up with Kathy and Liz

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Summer reading list recap and other stuff

September 2, 2014 by Jana 24 Comments

And so the curtain closes on yet another summer. This one was infinitely better than last, given the fact that we didn’t move and almost have a foray into homelessness. Which was great for family morale.

Summer saw the blossoming of our garden but the demise of my pioneer project (we’ll talk about that another day), the rebirth of this blog, and the end of my sanity. It also saw me work through my summer reading list which I established way back in June but, like every plan I put into action, it got derailed and took on a life of its own.

You can read the full summer reading list if you want but the Cliff’s Notes version is this: I picked 6 fiction and 7 nonfiction books to read, for a total of 13 books. I wound up reading 14; 2 nonfiction (Confessions of a Prairie Bitch and The Last Lecture) and 12 fiction books. Here’s my brief reviews of the ones I could fit into a PicMonkey collage.

Very disappointing book. Mostly boring, occasionally interesting. YA book that is not appreciated by this actual adult.
I love Joshua Ferris’s books and I loved this one. It’s a dense read at times but worth working through.
The first 200 pages were slow, slow, slow but the pay off of the last third of the book is worth it. Glad I read it before I see the movie.
Not what I expected but in a good way. Chick lit at its finest and definitely worth reading.
My most favorite book of the summer (it’s Eleanor and Park, in case you can’t read the title). YA book that is highly appreciated by this actual adult and if I had to pick one book to recommend out of all I read this summer, it’s this one. I read it in a day.
Terrible book. It was awkward and bothersome and weird and don’t waste your time unless you have nothing else to read.
Adequate. Great at times, boring at others. Mostly unlikable characters but a few likable ones that you keep reading the book for.
Loved this one, too. The ending was a bit meh and the plot was mostly predictable but it was well written and a compelling read.
Another YA book (not sure what was going on with me and YA books this summer). Intriguing storyline and I read Dare Me because I liked this one so much (by the same author). Great for a vacation read.
Not pictured: Things We Set on Fire (even my non-reader sister liked it), See You at Harry’s (quick read, good for a long flight. Slightly sad), Real Happy Family (another good long flight read. Reminded me of the kind of book I’d like to write).

Now that you saw what I read over the summer, I should tell you that I’m currently in the middle of Where’d You Go, Bernadette (if you follow me on Instagram, you already knew that. So you should totally follow me and stay up to date on that breaking news) and when that’s done, here’s the pile I’ll be working on in September (and yes, that is a book by Kailyn of Teen Mom 2 fame. #noshame):

Isn't the plastic over our fireplace so classy? — Isn’t the plastic over our fireplace so classy?

In addition to reading, working on my novel (post coming on that shortly), and a quick 5 day jaunt to New Orleans in 2 weeks, I’m also participating in the Choose Your Own Adventure goal challenge and linkup because I loved those books as a kid and I love the concept as an adult. This month, the focus is on fitness which works out (no pun intended) really well. Exercise isn’t something I have a problem with as it’s integral in keeping my depression and anxiety at bay but I need to kick it up to ramp up the weight loss (another post you have to look forward to. Aren’t you stoked from all the previews?).

Over the summer, I borrowed a friend’s Focus T-25 DVDs and I loved them. I don’t have tons of time to exercise and, now that I quit my gym (due to distance) and finished a Couch 2 5K training program, I needed something else to do. I absolutely love the workouts and love them so much I bought the DVDs for myself (for a deep, deep discount on eBay. No full price for this chick). So, for my fitness goals this month, I’ll be working through the Alpha round, but at a higher intensity than I did them over the summer. As in, not following the modifier lady as much as possible.

So, for September, we’ve got my reading list, my fitness goal, and because I like my goals in batches of three, let’s make the third one editing the draft of my book. I think that’ll keep me nice and busy.

How about you guys? What are your September goals? Do you have suggestions for where I should go or what I should see in New Orleans?

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Maybe I suck at this stuff

It’s my life

Friday favorites, volume 18

A fat girl comes clean

Summer reading list recap and other stuff

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