This is a guest post from my college friend Steph. She’s guest posted here before and I am stoked to have her back because she’s always terrific. This post of hers is especially fantastic and I hope you enjoy it! And even though I am a parent, I agree with every single sentiment she shares.
Hello Jana Says readers! I’m Steph and you can normally find me over at Life According to Steph blogging about cooking, books, my three pugs, things that annoy me, hausfrauing, my card of a husband, and life in general live from Philadelphia. Jana and I go way back to freshman year of college at the University of Delaware (for those counting, that’s 19 years ago this month) and reconnected on the facebook. We were delighted to find out we had a common interest in blogging as adults, and I’m thankful for Jana sharing her space while she’s in New Orleans.
Jana has recently killed it with some parenting posts that I’ve really appreciated even as someone without children, specifically Promises to my Friends Without Kids. I shared it and it resonated with a lot of people, both those with kids and without. Even though I’m not a fan of open ended letters, I thought a note to those that are parents from someone who is not would be a good companion to that post.
1. It’s okay to talk to me about your kids. More than okay. Assuming they’re not assholes (and I really hope they’re not), I probably enjoy them and want to hear about what’s going on with them both to be up to speed with them and with you.
2. That being said, I don’t want to only talk about your kids, and you shouldn’t either. Your kids are their own people. You are your own person. You’re connected like nothing else, but also still an individual. Don’t project yourself onto them. Your role of mom or dad is not the only thing you are – you are also a daughter/son, sibling, friend, maybe an employee…an individual. It’s important to show your kids that you take care of yourself and that you matter – your time, hobbies, work, thoughts, and feelings outside of them matter. It teaches your kids not to shove themselves aside for the good of others all the time. It teaches them that you can have children, a marriage, any relationship with others and still retain a sense of self. That will serve them well in life, and you too.
3. Don’t worry about your kids when they come to my house. I know they’re kids, and I have dogs. They’ve crapped the place up enough, I’m used to it. However if they make a crazy mess, I’d love it if you helped me clean it up.
4. For the love, please do not let your kids run around restaurants. It makes me die inside.
5. If you have a party for your kid at your house, I’d love to come. Please don’t be offended when I do not attend a party at The Rat House. Chuck E. Cheese is not my scene.
6. Don’t be a competitive asshole with other parents or compare your kids to other kids. First of all, whatever your kid achieves, it is their achievement. Not yours. I hope you’re proud of them for what they do but recognize that it’s their doing. Secondly, all kids are different and that’s okay. That’s great actually. We all do things in our own time. We’re not all good at the same things. Encourage your kid to find something they love and let the rest happen.
7. Even if you don’t like to read, try to encourage it in your kids. Reading opens minds and works imagination like nothing else in life. If you don’t want to read with your kids, Aunt Steph would love to!
8. Don’t assume everyone wants to or is able to have kids. Kids are a huge life decision, having children isn’t a given and it’s not something you should do because you feel like it’s what society expects. If someone doesn’t have kids, don’t ask them about it. If they want to bring it up, they will. You shouldn’t be asking about other people’s reproductive plans anyway. It’s rude.
9. While I haven’t raised a child, I might have a perspective that could be valuable to you. And I definitely have opinions on parenting that will come out in conversation. I’m allowed to have those even though I haven’t done it. I have an opinion on being the President too and I’ve never done that either. Don’t treat me like less or judge me because I don’t have a kid and you do. I don’t like you less or judge you because you have a kid and I don’t.
10. We shouldn’t let the fact that one of us is a parent and one isn’t color our relationship. All kids grow up and we’ll still be here staring at each other with our teeth in our mouths, so we should appreciate what we have in each other, embrace our similarities and respect our differences.
Any thoughts to add?
Oh, what a delight and surprise to read the words of my wise daughter. All wonderful advice and perspective. Love the reading Ecard. Reading is such a joy.
Never liked Chuckee or those balls.
A nice treat on Friday for me!!
Love your Momma
Thanks mother.
Oh, I love this! So honest and upfront. I agree with so much of it.
dawn recently posted…keeping a memoir
Thanks Dawn! Honest and upfront is sort of the only way I know how to be. LOL
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…Reflections of the way life was this week
Fabulous post. So true about having an opinion let them roll people we have that freedom.
FREEDOM of OPINION!
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…Reflections of the way life was this week
i love all of this! especially #7 and #9. you are such a good writer Steph!
Kristen recently posted…Books Lately
Aw, thank you Kristen!
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…Reflections of the way life was this week
We hope to be staring at each other with our teeth in our mouths….or maybe fake teeth by then…right?!?! Haha!
Just yes to every one of your points! And double yes to not asking me about why I don’t have kids. It is none of your damn business fuckyouverymuch!!! And for the love of everything holy DO NOT tell me that my life isn’t complete without kids. I have my dogs, they are good enough!
Nadine recently posted…Friday Favorites
I had that same thought! “Fake teeth, depending how much time has passed.”
jenn recently posted…Blog Psychology – the Positive and Negative Impacts of Blogging
It seriously kills me when people ask about other people’s reproductive plans.
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…Reflections of the way life was this week
I love number 10!!! Both for “staring at each other with teeth in our mouths” and because it is so true. People end friendships when they have kids and they go make other “parent friends” but eventually the kids’ll be grown and off living their own lives, and if your life and friendships are all based on those kids, you won’t have much left when they leave. So there’s no reason to let having kids/not having kids be a divide in friendships.
Also the etiquette rules are spot on! Not having kids doesn’t mean I dislike them or I don’t want to hear about them. But it does mean it’s a topic that you have much more interest in. Say I liked reading and you didn’t. I’m still going to tell you about this awesome book I read – I just might not go into as much detail as I would if you were a reader.
And messes are really not that big a deal. My goddaughter was the first to christen my car and now it’s kind of a fond memory. “There’s Izzy’s ice cream stain.” I think it’s really just finding a balance: you don’t have to constantly apologize (kids are kids), but you should be somewhat considerate that someone without kids isn’t as inured to certain habits as you are (like tantrums).
jenn recently posted…Blog Psychology – the Positive and Negative Impacts of Blogging
So right on expounding on something versus just glossing over it.
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…Reflections of the way life was this week
BEST BEST BEST. i can’t stand parents who are up their kids asses 24/7, stop being friends with people who don’t have kids, drag their kids everywhere with them, compete with each other, let their kids run wild, never say no to their kid or act like their child is a brilliant genius. these are the same bitches who are attached to their husband 24/7, switch from “I” to “we” for errting, lose sight of who they are and basically don’t have an identity of their own.
kathy@vodka and soda recently posted…when viruses attack
Real talk!
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…Reflections of the way life was this week
#4… my vagina just involuntarily clenched tight THINKING about it.
Amanda recently posted…Sh*t Amanda Says
hahahah YES
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…TWTW – last official weekend of summer
I love your perspective and seriously Chuck E. Cheese is the devil’s playground! 😉 The helicopter mom’s and the competitive mom’s are exhausting. Reading is so important and I know it made me a better person. Encouraging your kids interests and not your own is so important.
Kerry recently posted…Projects and Food Trucks