Lately I’ve been struggling with the word “enough”. Not as in “I don’t think I’ve read enough books” or “I haven’t watched enough Netflix” or “I haven’t had enough tea today” but more in the sense of:
I don’t work hard enough on my blog.
My topics aren’t focused enough.
My writing isn’t creative enough.
The idea for my book isn’t interesting enough.
My platform numbers aren’t high enough to make an agent interested in me.
I’m not organized enough.
My house isn’t clean enough or nice enough to have people over.
I don’t play with my dogs enough.
I don’t play with my daughter enough.
I’m not nice enough to strangers.
I don’t call my grandmother enough.
I’m not friendly enough.
I’m not generous enough, and I certainly don’t volunteer enough.
I haven’t lost enough weight.
I’m not talented enough.
I’m not motivated enough.
I don’t try hard enough.
I’m not enough.
The list goes on.
It’s all completely negative. And I can’t make it stop.
Just when I get to a place where things are going well, my creativity is flowing, I’m content with what I have (and don’t have), I’m comfortable and confident with my choices and where I’m going, something (I don’t know if it’s my depression or lack of self-confidence or too much time on social media and buying into lifestyle construction or what) gets ahold of me and talks me out of everything positive thought I have and puts me right back in the place where I can’t get off the couch and I think I’ll never amount to anything or achieve the level of success I want and convinces me I’d be better off just quitting everything so I stop trying.
I hate that I think, and subsequently act, like this. I hate that this pattern is part of my life. I know, in my head, that it holds me back. I’m pretty sure it’s rooted in some sort of fear and there’s a self-fulfilling prophecy tucked in there somewhere, too.
It’s a fun little package.
It’s one thing to deal with someone else telling you that you suck or stomping on your dream. It’s another thing to deal with the internal chatter. Because those voices are there with you all. The. Time. They’re loud and annoying and they’re difficult to ignore. Like really obnoxious sports fans cheering for the wrong team.
And if you’ve ever experienced those types of fans, you want to punch them right in the face.
That’s how I feel about the negative committee in my head.
It’s not that I don’t want it to change. I try some of the techniques in my cousin’s book. I think back to some of the techniques I learned in therapy (despite the fact that my therapist was horrible and, on some levels, made my issues worse) and attempt to apply them. I read blog posts and articles on how to alter negative thinking. I try to stop comparing myself to others. I stay away from social media.
And none of it works.
I’m still trying to figure out why.
It might be that I won’t let myself think differently. It might be that I simply can’t do it. Old habits and all.
They’re kind of a bitch.
I know that everyone deals with self-doubt at one point. And for many, they take that self-doubt, channel it, and use it to make or do something great.
I want to be that person.
I want to go to bed each night and say “I did enough today” and really believe it.
I want to tell myself I am enough and really believe it.
Because I know, in my heart, that whole list of “I’m nots” is a lie.
Now I need my head to believe it.
Do any of you struggle with the same issues? What works for you when you get mired in this line of thinking?
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[…] over at Jana Says recently wrote about the Struggle with Enough. When I saw the title on Twitter, I thought it’d be about the common issue of feeling secure, […]
I have a goal/priority tracker. The original point of it was just to set my priorities for each day, but I also have a section for “successes” and “5 positive things.” I think that helps to remind me about the good things in each day and the positive things I accomplished instead of just focusing on the things on my list that were not completed.
I also have a point system (it’s a task list based game where you get rewarded for getting your stuff done), and I made a point to include things like “reading” and “video games” in my list of habits, because when I actively take time to pursue relaxation (instead of idly flipping through my phone which just burns time and leaves me feeling empty) it makes me feel so much happier and more likely to tackle the next task.
Anyway, don’t know how helpful or non-helpful that is, but I absolutely understand the struggle of “not enough.” I guess the point of all this other stuff is to remind myself that my ultimate goal is to be happy, so if I’ve “accomplished” less but am happy at the end of the day, I’m still winning.
I like this type of tracking system, especially the successes and 5 positive things. It might be worth it for me to incorporate that into my day.
I’m great about reading and playing my iPad games and other things that make me happy but at the end of the day, I get stuck on all the things I didn’t do and I berate myself for it. I’m actually waiting for my new phone to arrive (I cracked my screen) and I’m going to do the distraction free iPhone challenge because I agree with you–I can waste so much time on my phone and I feel empty and nonproductive and sad because of all the wasted time.
I use mantras. How about “I am Enough”
I went to one therapist in my life. She told me to abort my third child due to the situation I was in. That was it for me. A good therapist who suits you well is vital. Goddess speed to you!
Love and lights,
SMD’s Momma
I don’t understand how that therapist still has a license to practice. What a horrible thing to say.
I think I do need a mantra.
Amazing, Amazing, Amazing post . It made me cry a little because I know I feel like that sometimes and it stinks!
I can’t remember the whole quote but it goes something like courage doesn’t always roar sometimes it whispers I will try again tomorrow.
I try to think about that when my mind starts spinning.
I like that quote! I’ll have to look it up to see the whole thing. I think it’s a good idea to have an affirmation for the days it gets really bad.
Tony Robbins!! I get those feelings all the time! Like everyday. My house isn’t clean enough, I don’t spend enough play time with Seamus etc. it can feel like a total drain. I try to remind myself I am doing the best I can with what I have today.
Kerry recently posted…Thanksgiving Worthy Cranberry Pear Sauce
It is definitely draining. Exhausting, really. I do try to tell myself that I did the best I could but then I say “hey, you don’t have a full-time job and (fill in name) does and look what she got done and you really didn’t do your best. Try harder tomorrow.” I know I need to not do that. The comparison factor is brutal on my self-confidence.
We all think about the concept of enough. I get those thoughts, but I don’t invite them in to stay the night very often. On a daily basis, I approach it as it’s something I don’t have time for, and by that I mean I don’t have the time to spend doubting myself. My time would be better spent taking action on something as small as wiping down the counter or even reading a book. I’ve been pretty vigilant about this my whole life, but especially the past 10 years. There are enough things out there in the world that stack against me, I don’t need to add myself to the pile.
When I need to improve on something because I’m not doing it well enough, I know it. When something is fine as it is or when something is really great, I know that too. I work hard on balance.
How? Just self-discipline. That I don’t have in other areas like exercise, etc. LOL If we were all perfect, life would be a totally boring drag.
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…Everything She Wants – Under $30
Balance is something you are really good with. Enviable, really. I need to learn your secrets.
I definitely am my own worst enemy and I probably always have been. And I can’t remember a time when I didn’t doubt everything I did or chose. It’s part of the old habits I know I need to break.
i seriously love your posts. that had to be said.
to be honest, i have zero thoughts like this. maybe it’s because 1) i dont care what anyone says 2) i’m always thinking of the bigger picture ie. if i don’t clean this right now, will it kill anyone? will it harm anyone? if i ask questions like this and the answer is NO, then no skin off my back.
kathy@vodka and soda recently posted…awkward is when….
I would love to have your confidence! What’s interesting about my issues is that it’s all stuff I say to myself; no one else imposes this on me. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I know that. I’m just stuck on how.
And thank you 🙂
It’s like you’re inside my head with this post! I feel these feelings constantly! I try to take a step back and look at the big picture, focus on the good I did that day and let the bad stuff slip away. So much easier said then done! Sending you a virtual {{{{{huge}}}}} It will get better!
Jessica Cook recently posted…Confidence… Or lack there of!
I do that, too, yet I find myself also harping on the bad stuff. I beat myself up over the stuff I should have done instead of praising myself for the things I did do. That’s something I need to work on.
Jana- great post today! Great comments and ideas and venting and discussing!
A privilege to know you and interact with all of you girls!
Love, SMD’s Momma
This is something I struggle with as well. I think comparisons to other people come into play here. I tend to do this way too often and it’s hard to stop. Why can’t I run as fast as her? Why can’t I cook like my sister? Why aren’t I married yet? I know one thing that is supposed to help is trying to focus on things you are grateful for each day. Kind of turn the tables from a place of ‘not enough’ to ‘plenty’. It’s hard work to get over some if our oldest and strongest habits! Always a work in progress over here 🙂
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I am definitely a work in progress! In fact, I’m like our roads–always being worked on, never finished.
I absolutely compare myself to others and it’s not a healthy habit. I know it’s part of why I have my issues and I’m trying to stop doing it but it’s easier said than done.
You’re not alone Jana! I struggle with this all the time, especially when I see how other freelancers are so successful. How can I not let some of that blame fall on me, my skills, or talents? I’ve always been a firm believer in taking full responsibility for one’s life, so then at the same time I’m my own worst critic! One of my best coping mechanisms comes from the 4 Agreements book. If you haven’t read it I highly recommend it and I use it to “check in” with myself. The best one is, “don’t take things personally.” So for instance I was wondering to myself today where one blogger has been who used to comment on my site all the time but doesn’t anymore. My immediate thought it, “it must be me and I must have done something or maybe I’m a terrible writer…bla bla bla…” First of all, it may have nothing to do with me, and secondly, even if they hated my writing, if I only focus on that one blogger, then I ignore the fact that many other people may be reading it an enjoying it. Anyway, unfortunately be positive does sometimes take extra work for some of us. I wish I could naturally let things roll off my back easier, but I’ve always been that overly sensitive creative type. Good on one hand, bad on the other. Anyway, I hope this helped even just a little bit. 🙂
Tonya@Budget and the Beach recently posted…Answering the Question: Why Am I Really Doing This?
I read about half of that book 2 years ago and haven’t picked it back up. Several people have recommended it. I think it’s cheap on Amazon. It might be a book worth having in the house.
I do take things a little too personally. For me, it’s hard not to because I feel like things are my fault even when they’re not. Especially blogging related. It’s always “what am I doing wrong?” or “how can I be different to make more people like my writing?” even though I KNOW I’m not doing anything wrong and my writing isn’t for everyone. But when you see bloggers who have been blogging half the time and are twice as successful, it makes me think something is wrong with me. It comes down to comparison. I know I need to stop that.
Yes that is exactly it…it does all come down to comparison. For me if it gets really bad, I’ll make it a little easier on myself by hiding someone’s feed on fb if they brag about something every day, or take someone off my feed if they are a blogger I hardly interact with anymore. It’s a process…and one that is not easy, but it’s something to work on because it can make you miserable if you let it. And yes it’s a good book to have in the house because everyone once in awhile I need to go back to reading it again to check in with myself.
Tonya@Budget and the Beach recently posted…Answering the Question: Why Am I Really Doing This?
I get thoughts like this often, but I don’t let them stay for long. I try to be proud of myself for the little things I do accomplish in a day. Like, I washed the pan that we cooked with, score! We got in a show that we have been meaning to catch up on! I read a chapter in my book, I washed my face twice. Whatever it is…and try not to dwell on the things that didn’t happen. Because, at the end of that single day, did they matter?
Nadine recently posted…Confessions
I feel like I could have written this. I never feel like I am enough, or the things I do, or want to do are. Sometimes I just get so melancholy and think what’s the point? If I can’t do it all, or do it the best, or be the best, then I should do nothing at all. Which is of course, ridiculously ridiculous.
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Growing up, I had these feelings a lot because my dad was a very critical person. Even when I did well, I didn’t get any verbal praise from him. So I continued to think that everything I did wouldn’t measure-up to anyone’s standards. I became a people-pleaser and a “yes” person. I think the turning point was, as strange as it may seem, was an ex who was constantly telling me what I was doing wrong and telling me how I could improve. Guess it was the straw that broke the camel’s back and I said “enough” (to myself). This certainly isn’t practical advice, but maybe there’s a silver lining to negativity – it can push us out of it.
lisacng @ expandng.com recently posted…Fall, stranger, refrigerator tetris {photos}
I seek out external praise and validation, too, and I know it’s detrimental to my choices and mental health. I don’t even know where it comes from!
It’s great that you’ve been able to break out of that cycle.
I use my calendar and a task management program (IQTell) to help me feel like I have done enough. If I need to call my mom more, I create a reoccuring item in my calendar. If I need to feel like I am accomplishing things, I put all my tasks in IQTell (even the personal ones) and select five to accomplish each day. Sometimes they are small, like to call about getting the furnace cleaned. Sometimes they are major, like a writing goal for the day. If I can knock those five things off my to-do-list in addition to everything else I do in a day, I feel like I have done enough. My to-do-list may be insane in total but selecting five things and getting those accomplished keeps me motivated to keep going.
Kristin recently posted…Don’t let your lifestyle creep up on your income
That’s good advice. Is IQTell an app or something else? I’m looking for a goal tracking app so maybe this one will help.
It is an app. Phone and Web based. If you’d like a quick tutopia on it, let me know and we can schedule something. I am using the free version right now but will likely switch to the paid version during tax season.
Kristin recently posted…Don’t let your lifestyle creep up on your income
Oh this is a constant struggle for me as well! I tend to be very positive about other people and I love to be an encourager, but when it comes to myself I am so down on myself and so negative! For me it helps to remind myself of how much God loves me and how I am enough because He loves me, not because I “perform” the right way or the right amount.
Julia recently posted…Confessions in Cat Memes
I am so good about being positive and encouraging towards others but I’m terrible at giving myself the same pep talks.
I love that you can incorporate your faith into helping you feel better about your negative thoughts.
Yes, I do have thoughts like this often. What I do is try to focus on the positive. Sometimes it’s hard to do. But I really don’t want to be negative, so I remember the things that ARE going well for me.
Amber recently posted…Hey, It’s Okay Tuesday!
I try to look at the positive but sometimes, it gets drowned out by the negative. I’m in that cycle right now. It kind of sucks.
I definitely struggle with enough. My problem is that in addition to being hard on myself, my expectations branch beyond just me. I take way too many things personally and I’m sure that isn’t helpful. I’ve gotten better at settling on less being enough. I don’t have to put away the laundry AS SOON AS dryer stops. It can wait, even if I’m just reading blogs, it doesn’t have to be RIGHT NOW. My enough is all about immediacy and quick results. Bleh.
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I don’t have a problem delaying doing that stuff. Especially laundry. Let’s use that for a minute. But then, what happens, is I see these blogger moms or FB friends or whatever, talking about how they do 4 loads of laundry a day (start to finish) and I get all down on myself because I can’t even get one done. That’s my pattern. It’s awful.
its the depression. It is for me anyway. I also replay scenes in my head where I messed up. Whee. These days I just shake my head to shake off the thoughts (no Taylor Swift required) and/or just say out loud “Stop” or “No.” Sounds ridiculous and I’m not saying it isn’t but it disrupts the thoughts enough that they abate a bit.
But a lot of this is just acceptance. I’m a Type A personality with chronic fatigue. I’ve had to learn to forgive myself for not doing everything (or even half of everything) I want to. It’s a long road, but hopefully a good therapist will help.
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Practicing forgiveness towards myself is something I need to work on, too.
And I do think it’s the depression at times. That’s a whole different post.
Dunno if you’ve tried this — and it may sound ridiculous — but wording is a huge deal. My therapist made me promise to stop saying “lazy” instead of “tired.” Because to my Type A mind, not doing something simple like walking a few blocks to the grocery store must be laziness.
I thought it was the stupidest request ever. But I tried it, and yeah… it worked. So I’ve slowly changed my vocabulary.
I try to avoid using the word “should” because I truly believe it’s one of the most dangerous things in the world. It’s a straight drop-off into a sea of guilt.
And as for “I’ve done enough today” that’s just not something anybody says regularly. Shoot for something closer, “I’ve done plenty today.” Or “I really focused on important things today.” Or “I got a lot of little things done. Now I can focus on more important things.”
Anything to remind yourself that it’s a process. And that a person can only reasonably do so much.
Abigail recently posted…Swagbucks ExtravaGOBBLE
We’re definitely our own worst critics. I just try to remind myself that I don’t have to be perfect… I just have to try my hardest to be better than I currently am. Some days it helps. Other times… there’s no getting me out of the funk until it goes its course.
Amanda recently posted…Shit I’m Tired Of Being Asked
I am elbow deep in a funk right now. Like you, there are days I can talk myself out of it. Not lately though.
You’re very good at putting my own self-doubts into words. I also tell myself I am going to be positive and do awesome stuff and not compare myself to other people, but I am easily derailed by small setbacks. Like this week, I strained my lower back on Monday and have been just bummed out since, waiting to feel better. I feel completely useless, which is no way to feel, but I am having a hard time climbing out of my “feel sorry for myself” hole. But I do know that all of these things are patterns, and when I work on my new patterns, it does get better. It’s just hard to make the first switch to the right direction!
Sally recently posted…Half-Marathon Recap and What’s Next in Fitness
Small setbacks derail me, too. It’s like “hey, this got screwed up, might as well give up on everything”. I have an all or nothing mentality when it comes to a lot of things.
One of the things I’ve read so often in my happiness research lately is fake it until you make it. Pretending to feel happy and satisfied eventually leads to feeling happy and satisfied.
Also I had been doing meditation which seemed to really help my moods, I notice because I’ve stopped doing it and I’m much more bitchy.
I love you and if you need to talk you know how to reach me!!! 🙂
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I’m just in a really bad head place right now. I should probably try meditation. It might help. I also need to do some confidence building exercises.
I love you, too, and thank you <3