My husband and I rarely fight about money. I swear that’s entirely true.
It used to not be this way. We used to have pretty severe battles over it. You know those fights? The ones where you start trying to rationally talk about money until one of you says something that makes the other angry and the conversation spirals out of control until you’re not fighting about money anymore but something completely unrelated and you can’t stop screaming? Yeah, we’ve had one or two of those. They occurred primarily because we just were not on the same page about a) how we balanced our checkbook; b) what our goals were; and c) we had absolutely no wiggle room at all. The last one was mainly due to poor planning. The rest were simply due to the fact that we operate in completely different ways (and I must point out, my way is logical. His is not. I swear that’s entirely true).
Then I couldn’t take it anymore. I was tired of fighting. Tired of being confused, frustrated and broke. We had to get in same book, never mind the same page. So, one day, using my rules for a peaceful budget meeting, we sat down and figured things out. Here’s what we did:
- I showed him how much money we were wasting on small $3 and $4 purchases. One month, it added up to over $300 or so. It was disturbing, actually. He finally got the point that small purchases make big differences and agreed to stop making them if…
- …I agreed to figure out how to give us each an “allowance” every payday. Part of why he was spending that money was because he didn’t feel like he had any freedom in our money. He also felt that since we work our asses off, we deserve a little bit of it. I told him I understood and conceded that perhaps an allowance of some sorts every payday wouldn’t hurt.
- We set goals and target dates (or rough estimates of target dates) for paying off our debt. We also agreed on a plan for paying off our debt. One that we formulated together, not one of us dictating to the other how it would get done. Having mutually agreed upon goals and dates prevented both of us from feeling that we had no control.
- We agreed that I would be completely responsible for handling our day to day expenses and he was responsible for more long-term stuff like investing (since I don’t understand it at all). Neither one would make unilateral decisions but the bulk of the heavy lifting in each area was designated to one person.
- We developed a budget. It wasn’t perfect but it was a start. And it was better than the abstract nonsense we had been using prior.
- We decided that having a his, hers and ours system was going to be best for us. We had a joint account that was used for everything but my husband felt like he was being lorded over and I was tired of asking him for receipts (remember how I said we had totally different styles? Well, mine involves balancing my account whenever I make a purchase or withdrawal and his involves doing what he wants and hoping for the best). Neither one of us had ever let our individual accounts close but we decided that our allowances would be deposited into our personal accounts and that would be our no questions asked money. Whatever we wanted to do with the money in our individual accounts was just fine.
I think the last point is what really prevents the arguments. We know that our joint bills and expenses are met and the fact that we each have some cash to use how we want gives us that feeling of freedom and independence. It’s nice to buy nail polish or books or lunch with friends without having to be accountable or feel like I’m wasting our money. I know he feels the same way.
Working together is a huge relief. There are no surprises in our budget or our expenses; everything is open and up for discussion. We’re meeting our goals. We don’t hide money or purchases from each other, and there’s never any lying about paychecks (I know people who lie to their spouses about how much money they make. I find this disturbing on so many levels). It nice to know that when it comes to financial matters, the arguments we do have are few and far between. And never involve tangential craziness.
Most of the time…
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I think there would be an issue if the boy and I had a joint account that wasn’t strictly for bills. Since he makes more than me right now, I just think I’d feel bad for spending, and he’d get annoyed by my constant questions about why he spent what he spent.
Daisy recently posted…Ridiculous Things I Do to Save or Make Money
Hmm very nice article. I printed it out to show to my wife so that we can hopefully get on the same page now that she is working. We used to fight alot because she wasnt working and I never had any money to spend. She felt she was working at home with the kids and i was working and actually making money…It was a caustic environment and I am glad we have move passed it now.
Christopher @ This That and The MBA recently posted…WTF (Wait That’s Finance) Part I: Deep in the Money Naked Calls
Glad it worked out. We’re about to implement an “allowance” for each of us. Still trying to decide the amount.
Michelle recently posted…He makes less money, so what?!
Thankfully the bf and I don’t fight about money (other things just not money;-)). I save the equivalent of my share of the rent to him in my savings account each month and he writes the check to the landlord. Then at the end of the year (or when he needs money for something) I tell him how much I’ve saved for him. It’s like a built in savings account for him. I feel comfortable knowing the money is there and he doesn’t mind that I like saving it. I know it sounds weird, but it works for us.
Kari@Small Budget Big Dreams recently posted…Having Bad Eyes Is Expensive
When I was married to my ex, we were TERRIBLE with money. It’s one of the main reasons we got a divorce. I learned a lot of what not to do, and some things I want to implement in future relationships. Having a “yours, mine and ours” type of accounts is definitely the way to go. We didn’t have that when we were together and it was like he had to “refer” to me about buying stuff, or that I’d get an allowance. Not the best way to go about it. I’m glad you guys have worked everything out and don’t have money fights anymore. That’s a huge hurdle to overcome in any relationship.
Carrie – Careful Cents recently posted…4 Ways to Earn More Income with Less Work
You were married?? How did I not know that? I feel like I don’t know you at all anymore! 😉
Jessica, The Debt Princess recently posted…Setting a Goal: A Completely Insane and Totally Empowering Goal
I like to keep it interesting. Ya know, be all mysterious and all! 🙂
Carrie – Careful Cents recently posted…4 Ways to Earn More Income with Less Work
You know I am all for seperate bank accounts! Fighting over money gets tiresome and seperate accounts is such an easy solution 🙂
Mackenzie recently posted…The Supermom Complex
My wife and I rarely fight about money, although I’m generally a bit more aggressive w/ savings than she is on some things. Sometimes that creates a bit of friction, but we do talk a lot about our money and goals and that saves a lot of fights. We know we’re living way below our means, but at least once a week we’ll talk about how cool it will feel WHEN we’re millionaires. We also each have $3,000 to WASTE “when we’re millionaires.” I haven’t picked out what I want to buy, but we’re forcing ourselves to just do something crazy for us to reward us for being “tight” for so many years. I know it’s not a ton of money but we’re going to do more “when we’re multimillionaires.” It’s not that tough when all of our “needs” and most of our “normal wants” are taken care of along the way…
Nick recently posted…3 signs that your plan stinks
Sounds like a lot of changes and work went into that. Hopefully it works. I know money is always a point of discussion but we’ve definitely eased into a more workable situation. We haven’t had to make the types of changes that you did, but for us, communication was a big thing. I got better at communicating where we were, our goal progress, and my wife communicated some of the things she felt were ‘needs’ and we discussed how to align. Surprisingly the discussions worked and most of the time we ended up both happy, even if one of us didn’t get exactly what we wanted going in. Understanding is a big key, and no matter how you get there, getting there is the important part.
Money Beagle recently posted…Don’t Lose Track Of Your Great Ideas
My husband and I also rarely fight about money. In fact, I can vividly remember our last fight – it was three years ago, right after I’d returned to work after maternity leave with our first child. The fight was about my husband’s penchant for buying $1.50 Mountain Dew out of the vending machine at work instead of buying a 2-liter for $0.99 at the convenience store on the way. Even now, the words “Mountain Dew” can send us into a bad mood or into fits of laughter.
Elizabeth @ Broke Professionals recently posted…Five Simple Work Fixes
My ex husband and I were never on the same page about money. Initially he did it all and I spent whatever I wanted. Then I tried to reign us in so I could be a stay at home mom and he wouldn’t really talk about it. He wanted $40 a week and that was all he’d talk about. Just one of our many problems.
Jessica, The Debt Princess recently posted…Setting a Goal: A Completely Insane and Totally Empowering Goal
I like the idea of splitting up the responsibilities.. With you handling the day-to-day and your husband handling the long-term. It gives you both a stake in the game, and covers both bases..
I tried giving him his own account and despoiting money that he could do whatever he wanted with, and he ended up charging $500 on a credit card I didn’t know about. That was exactly a year ago, and thank goodness we are in a much better place now. He gets an allowance now but it’s in cash and he only has one credit card that he’s allowed to use. It’s worked out wonders for us.
Newlyweds on a Budget recently posted…Spring Cleaning for Two
I love this post – I wrote a post about this same topic not that long ago! My husband and I have never had a fight about money. We’ve had some long, difficult talks, but we were almost always on the same page, which eliminated the risk of fights.
Setting the ground rules beforehand makes it easier to avoid the conflicts too.
Kris @ BalancingMoneyandLife recently posted…What I Learned About Money from My Parents
I do not have a significant other yet, but I definitely do not want fights to be over money. Isn’t it one of the leading causes of divorce these days?
Great article though, it offers some great tips for when I/if I get hitched 😛
MyCanadianFinances recently posted…eBook Review – ETF INVESTING Low Maintenance & Stellar Returns
We fight about money. LOL. But the frequency that we fight about money is pretty low. Right now we share in household expenses and pay rent proportional to our income. Once we get married we might keep our separate accounts and just open up a joint one.
Well Heeled Blog recently posted…Groom vs. Bride: Wedding Attire
We usually don’t fight about money, but there are some things that get us going. In general, my wife likes the things that make life easier for her, like paying for parking at work instead of taking the bus. I generally save on the little things, then splurge on something a bit larger, like a new logo for my blog, or something along those lines. I really do try and focus my spending where I find value and be brutal with the rest. As such, we accept that we both have some minor money leaks, but it’s in areas that make us happy.
CultOfMoney recently posted…Feedback, your compass for success