My kid ate what?!

Since I’m at FinCon12 this week, please enjoy this post from an old blog of mine. Trust me when I say that this is the first of many child inspired posts that will be coming your way shortly (hey, I spend a lot of time with her…I need to get something out of it)!

As a parent, I try to be very careful about what my child eats. I try to limit sugars, fat, preservatives…all the standard stuff you hear parents say. I’m not perfect and I do let things slide from time to time. I’ve accepted my imperfection with that. Unfortunately, there is one food she ate that will definitely keep me out of the parenting hall of fame.

Once upon a time, when my daughter was an infant and toddler, we fed the dogs in the kitchen. They each had their own bowl of food which was left out for them to graze on throughout the day. It was a method that worked well for our family and we weren’t about to change it. We were happy. Until one day…

I believe it was around dinner time. I was doing something at the stove and my daughter was playing on the floor with some toys or books. She was happy, quiet and content and I went about my business of cooking dinner. Periodically, I would turn around to check on her. I think all of three minutes elapsed between one check and another and when I turned around, I saw my darling daughter sitting in front of the dog bowls.

At first, I thought it was harmless. I thought she was just trying to encourage one of the dogs to eat. But then I saw it. The moment that changed our happy eating arrangements. I saw my daughter eating from the dog bowl.

She sat there, happy as could be, giant smile on her face and her mouth stuffed with kibble. She looked like a squirrel storing nuts for the winter. It was horrifying. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry so I did the only rational thing I could think of. I screamed.

I think the sound that came out of my mouth were “Ohmygodchildwhataredoinggetthatoutofyourmouthrightnow!!!” This exclamation/declaration was followed by me bolting across the kitchen. Keep in mind, I don’t move quickly. I am slow and I am short. However, I think I made it across my entire kitchen in under 2 seconds. I made Usain Bolt look like a slug.

And then in what was a stealth, ninja-esque move, my hands were inside my daughter’s mouth, scooping out literally a handful of half-chewed kibble. From each cheek. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever had to do. As a parent, you expect to do gross things. Change a poopy diaper, clean up blood or vomit, play in piles of dirt, etc. Never do you expect that you will scoop half-eaten dog food out of your toddler’s mouth. But that’s what I had to do. I couldn’t let her swallow it because all I had was visions of rushing her to the emergency room and having to explain why my poor little daughter was writhing in pain while smelling like kibble and then having to defend to DFS that she did it voluntarily and it wasn’t some twisted punishment and having them not believe me.

With those fears tucked firmly inside my head, I extracted the kibble with the precision of a drunk elephant. But I got it out. Then I was presented with another dilemma. Where do I put the mushy, saliva covered, slimy mound of ick that was in my hands? I still can’t remember what I did with it. I’d like to think I threw it in the trash but I’m pretty sure I just threw it on the kitchen floor to deal with later (though I’m also pretty sure that the dogs ate it. After all, it was pre-chewed. Less work for them).  I couldn’t deal with it at that exact moment because I had now become all consumed with disinfecting my child’s mouth.

I remember bringing her to the bathroom to brush her teeth. A lot. Like Lady MacBeth hand-washing a lot. At first I thought I was brushing her teeth just to get the nastiness of the dog food out of her mouth but as the event progressed, I realized I was also brushing her teeth to get the smell of the dog food off her breath. Let me tell you, if you think dog food breath is bad on a dog, it’s 10x worse on a child.

After about 5 or 6 brushings, I gave up. I resigned myself to the fact that I did the best I could, even if she smelled like kibble. At least she didn’t ingest any and we would not have a midnight visit from DFS.

But something happened that day that temporarily transformed my daughter. I’m not saying there’s anything magical in the dog food but for about 6 months after that, she developed an affinity for sitting in the dog crates, both with and without the dogs. It remains the strangest habit she’s ever had (and believe me when I say she’s had many strange habits over the last 3 1/2 years).  She’s outgrown it now, thankfully, but we were concerned for a bit.

So there it is. My kid ate dog food and then temporarily thought she was a dog. I can’t imagine she’s the only one to ever do this. Please tell me I’m not wrong. Please?!