I’ve talked before about how self-employment scares the crap out of me. That still doesn’t change the fact that I have a burning desire to leave my job and pursue freelancing full-time. Why? My job is depressing.
I don’t mean my job is depressing in the normal “I hate working in an office on somebody else’s schedule and my boss is a douche and my co-workers are lame” Office Space-type depressing. I mean my job is literally depressing. I don’t know how much I’ve disclosed here, maybe some drips and drabs, but I’m going to describe it for you so you can fully understand the depths of how depressing my job is and why I feel compelled to leave.
I as a case reviewer in my state’s Kids’ Department. What this means is that typically when a case blows up for a bad reason, I get the job of looking at all the records and determining if policy was followed, if there were any systems issues…stuff like that. These are typically some of the worst cases imaginable and they hurt my head and my heart. What some people do to kids is just disgusting (I’m not talking people like Jerry Sandusky who do it to strangers. I’m talking about what parents do to their own kids). The crowning jewel of all of this is sitting on my state’s Child Death Review Panel.
Yup, twice a month I get to attend a meeting where we talk about kids dying. Actual cases, too. And all sorts of reasons for the deaths–car accidents, illnesses, SIDS, suicides, homicides, drownings, fires…all of it except deaths or near deaths by abuse or neglect. That’s reviewed in a separate panel that I don’t sit on (which is a really, really good thing). I also get the pleasure of being the liaison for the Fetal and Infant Mortality Review panel. Uplifting stuff, right?
When I took the job almost a year ago, I knew that I was going to have to do this. I didn’t care because it meant getting away from a very toxic work environment and into a much healthier one. I had previously worked for my supervisor in a different capacity and she is wonderful. I can’t say enough good things about her and my other supervisor (I have two, for two different functions of my job). But what I failed to realize was the emotional toll that a job like this would have on me. It’s one thing to supervise juvenile criminals (have I mentioned that I was a probation officer?) or investigate physicians for Medicaid fraud; it’s another to review how babies and children die. As a parent and general human being, it’s become sadder than I can handle.
I have talked to my supervisor about it and she is willing to step in for a few months to give me a break. I appreciate that so much. But eventually I’ll have to go back which makes me even more depressed. I’m tired of seeing the bad side of humanity. I want to see some good stuff. I want to affect change in a positive way, not retrospectively review what could have been done to prevent something bad. I want to see some results of what I do, not have my work linger in committee for 3 years (which is also why I’ll never be a politician). I want to know that I’m actually making a difference.
I recognize that those are pretty tough demands. But I feel that with blogging and writing, I can affect change in a positive way. I can help people learn to make changes in their mindset about money and debt. I can become an advocate for financial freedom and, if I want, I can take up an advocacy role for these kids rather than feeling like a helpless drone. I can actually use my policy background for positive, rather than negative, reasons.
Walking away from this job is not going to be easy. I work with wonderful people, I have a great office with lots of windows, I have a ton of freedom, paid vacation and sick time, a steady paycheck, a pension, medical, vision and dental benefits, a casual dress code–pretty much anything you can want in a job. But it’s just too depressing and I’m sick of the politics that go along with having a government job (the straw for me was not related to my job but to my husband’s. That’s another story for another time. Let’s just say that just because you have a PhD and are friends with a Cabinet Secretary does not mean you are qualified to run an entire division). So I’m working on a plan. I’m not leaving this kind of job, which I do feel lucky to have, without a concrete plan. But I can’t do this job much longer.
It took a lot of soul-searching to come to this conclusion. While I still don’t feel confident in my ability to earn a living as a freelancer, that lack of confidence has got to be better than being depressed every single day. I can overcome the lack of confidence; I’m not sure I can overcome the depression.
I would guess that, on average, many people in this capacity probably don’t stay there for long given the emotional toll it takes on you. That said, you do have to remember that you are doing something that needs to be done and hopefully it leads to better lives somewhere for at least some of these kids. If you’re somehow making a bit of difference, you have to try to take pride in that and let that set aside some of the emotional weight that you carry around. It’s probably tough because you probably never get to see much of any good that comes out directly.
If nothing else, just realize that you actually care and that’s what leads to so much weight being brought with you. Many people in your job would probably have stopped caring long ago.
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I do try to remind myself that I’m doing something that needs to be done. And caring is exhausting! Unfortunately, I have seen too much and have learned that administration likes to pretend that they’re taking action to protect the kids. In reality, it’s more about protecting the purse strings. Bad workers don’t get punished, good workers don’t get recognized, programs get cut or shuffled around and in the long run, the kids wind up suffering due to political aspirations. It’s depressing.
Ouch, that sounds like one tough job. All the best to you the next while, when are you taking your leave, do yo know yet? I think that may be the best place to start.
My goal is to leave by the end of June. That’s about the time I need to get my finances straight and figure out where I’m going to be living!
It is scarey. I had a great paying job, 401k, vacation, sick pay. Everything you could want, but I wasnt happy working there. I toyed with going full time photography for many years and finally one day I said ^&$# it and gave my notice. Havent looked back since, been some scarey times when I wasnt sure if Id make it. I actually think that at the beginning of every month.
You just have to have faith and take the leap sometimes.
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Thanks for that story, Jeff! I say f*ck it in my head every single day. But when I look at the numbers, and knowing I have a kid at home, I realize that I have to be more responsible. I do plan on getting to that point and taking the leap of faith. I just need to pay off my car first!
Sorry to hear that. You should search for a new job. There is no way I can do that kind of work. It would depress the heck out of me and I can’t be in that mind set. Hope you find something better soon!
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At this point, I’m so done with office work that looking for a new job isn’t going to solve the problem. This is the last full-time office job I want to have for a long, long time. The sadness factor has ruined most jobs for me.
I did my undergrad in social work, but when I went to interview for jobs I felt a tremendous weight on my chest. I even had a really good chance of getting my dream job, and purposefully shot myself in the foot in my final interview. It’s a really tough field to stay in long term.
Good luck to you in your escape plans. I’m learning a lot about confidence these days too.
Oh, confindence. How I long to have thee…
Seriously, though, I knew what I was getting into when I took the job. I just grossly underestimated the emotional toll it was going to take on me. I’m glad that you know yourself well enough to shoot yourself in the foot 🙂
Yours does sound like a difficult job to do for very long. Money Beagle made some excellent points, though. For now, hang in there and remember that all jobs have their negatives.
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That definitely sounds like a hard job to have. Would it be bearable if you didn’t have to do the case review? Either way, I hope you’re able to find something better.
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Sadly, no. My job is as a case reviewer so if I didn’t review cases, I’d have nothing left to do! I’d happily give up the child death stuff but no one wants that job. Can’t imagine why!
Sounds like a soul-crusher, no doubt. If you can afford to get out, recommend you do so immediately.
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Sorry but I am not sympathetic to the poster.
You actually have a good job, and the world is in a rough economic situation. Freelancing might sound great, but I’m willing to bet that the glee would be temporary when you realize you won’t be always doing projects you want to do and you won’t have that steady paycheck, nor will you have the support of co-workers and cushy office. (It actually is a HUGE benefit I think you are kind of taking for granted even though you have acknowledged it as a plus).
“caring is exhausting!” – Caring is not meant to be exhausting. If you are finding that caring is exhausting for you, you may have an issue with energy levels, and I suggest talking to a physician. All jobs require a level of caring about mundane things or things that are upsetting to some extent.
“administration likes to pretend that they’re taking action to protect the kids.” – Who cares what administration thinks? You have a job, you get a paycheck, and you try to help the kids however you can. Administration’s fake-ness should not be a factor in you judgement about the job. The world is not perfect, and you have to grow up and realize that while trying to make positive changes wherever you can. It sounds to me like you are being selfish by trying to jump ship, blaming your workplace instead of admitting to yourself that you can’t handle the stress.
The answer is not running away from your problems. The answer is breathing a new life into your situation and finding creative ways of improving what you can. Wanting to walk away is, well, honestly…childish.
Thank you for your comments. However, when you spend your days talking about dead babies and abused children, it really makes you question what you do for a living. And it makes you want to leave. I don’t feel that anyone should have to work in a situation that makes her depressed or sad or any other emotion, regardless of steady paycheck. I believe people deserve to be happy at work. Will there be aspects of work that are imperfect, regardless of the job? Absolutely. But I shouldn’t have to stay just because someone else feels that I’m foolish or childish for wanting to walk away. I think it’s a mature decision to know my limits.
It’s fine if you disagree. But it’s certainly not going to change my mind. And if you’re going to disagree with me by quoting my own words, please make sure you quote my actual post. Additionally, it would be great if you read my words where I admit, numerous times, that the job is more than I can handle and I’m not blaming the workplace at all for how I feel.
Hi Jana, I do get it I have worked in the child system and I get it. It is horrific what some people do to their own children. Almost as bad as baby farms in the 19th century.
God bless you in your future.
Well Mark, you are quite obviously not in the caring professions. And that’s a good thing.
I really don’t think any toxic environment is worth any amount of money.
Good for you for making the change!
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