There is one topic I hate talking about more than any other. This topic, although extremely influential in shaping my attitudes and beliefs towards money, is one that makes me squeamish and uncomfortable. I’m not necessarily embarrassed by it, because it’s not something that I could have prevented (or caused) but it’s not something I wave a banner about. What the heck am I talking about?
I’m talking about my childhood.
After almost 10 months of blogging about personal finance, I’ve successfully managed to avoid talking in depth about my childhood. I’ve offered glimpses of it (see here and here for examples) but I haven’t gone into too much detail. On purpose. Because unlike a lot of personal finance bloggers, I did not grow up lower middle class or poor. My upbringing was quite the opposite. It was decidedly upper middle class, with all the trappings that go with it. I’m not saying this to brag or show off; I’m merely stating this because, as Ashley from Money Talks Coaching points out, your childhood affects your money habits. And she’s absolutely right.
A little background
I grew up in a predominately upper middle class suburb on Long Island. I had friends that lived in million dollar homes and my parents’ house, although no mansion, wasn’t small. My siblings and I had our own bedrooms and we had a pool in our backyard, which was pretty damn big for the suburbs. I had one of those lavish bat mitzvahs you read about (because that’s what everyone else did). Family vacations to Aruba happened every year, as did sending my siblings and me to camp.
Educationally, my school, a public school, had a curriculum, activities, and facilities that rivaled private schools (not only that, we have several famous alumni [seriously, really, really famous]). My graduating class had a 99% graduation rate and 100% of graduates went to college (the one kid who dropped out did so to run his family’s farm, the largest working farm on Long Island). My school offered trips to France, Italy, and Spain. It goes on, including the part where the school parking lot looked like the lot of a luxury car dealership.
My parents pretty much provided everything. I had piano lessons and guitar lessons. I played sports. When I was having trouble with my SATs or needed to take driver’s ed, my parents paid for lessons or a tutor. My parents believed that school was my job so I was not allowed to have a part-time job, except for babysitting on the weekends.
You get the point. But where I’m from, this is normal. I did not feel like I was unusual or out of the ordinary. Since it was all I saw and all I knew, this is how I thought everyone lived. (Was I in for a surprise.)
What does this have to do with my attitude towards money?
The reason I had all of this was due to the fact that my father was, when I was growing up, a successful entrepreneur (my mom was a SAHM who worked part-time at my dad’s business once my siblings and I were all in school). He had his own business, which he started in the basement of our first house (we moved when I was 8 to the house where my parents still live), and it became very lucrative. As a result, money was just something that was there. It wasn’t stressed or worried about or even openly discussed. If I needed something, my parents, for the most part, gave it to me. I did have chores and was expected to help around the house but if I needed or wanted something, I got it.
As far as day to day expenses, my parents never really discussed those with me. They never sat me down and talked about budgets or savings or investing or anything. Honestly, I don’t remember them even sitting down with each other. My dad balanced my mom’s checkbook and essentially controlled all the money in the house so no discussion (with anyone) was necessary. Because it wasn’t openly discussed, I never thought (or cared enough) to ask. I didn’t think I had to learn anything about money because I thought money would just always be there. I thought everything would just take care of itself. I did know I had to work to earn money but the rest never really clicked.
In addition to thinking money would be abundant and take care of itself, I assumed my adult life would be filled with the same…comfortableness that my parents had acquired. Not knowing what it took to get there, I just figured I would automatically have what they have. I also assumed I’d live in the same kind of house, go on the same kinds of vacations, work “mother’s hours”; I pretty much thought I’d replicate what I saw at my house (and at my friends’ houses). These wrong assumptions are, in part, what led me down the path to almost $60K in debt.
When secrecy is what’s modeled, that’s what you believe is normal. You don’t think that people talk about money. This transferred over into my relationship with my husband. It was hard for me to talk about money with him because I didn’t think that’s what couples do. We each managed our money (prior to getting married) separately. We never talked about what we were doing with our money. As long as bills got paid, the rest was not up for discussion. This is what I believed was what “normal” couples did. But being normal wasn’t doing us any good. So, we decided to change our version of normal. We did everything the exact opposite of my parents.
Breaking the cycle
I know that I can’t provide for my daughter all that was provided to me. I can provide some, but not everything. But the one thing I can provide her is a financial education. Although I don’t want my daughter to stress about money, I certainly don’t want her growing up with the same shroud of secrecy that was in my childhood home. I want her to understand all that I didn’t. I want her to know that it takes work and you have to earn things; they’re not just handed to you. I want her to understand budgeting and saving. I want her to see her father and I working together on our finances. I want her to ask all the questions about money she wants and I plan to answer them as best I can. I want to do everything I can to have her not end up in the financial position I was in.
I never her want her to view money as taboo. Because it’s not. Regardless of growing up poor, middle class or rich, we are all in a position to change our kids’ attitudes about money. And that change has to start with us.
Comments
Trackbacks
-
[…] head over to Daily Money Shot and read about her financial childhood. She opens up and tells a story she’s embarassed to tell. (You can’t pass that up […]
-
[…] definitely shapes how we handle our money as adults! Jana at Daily Money Shot delves into how her upbringing affected her choices, and how she hopes to change that raising her […]
-
[…] My childhood DID affect my finances @ Daily Money Shot […]
-
[…] Did you childhood affect our finances? Jana sure thinks it did to her over at Daily Money Shot. […]
-
[…] at Daily Money Shot wrote a very open post discussing her childhood upbringing with respect to money. Though money was taboo in her family of origin, she’s creating a different environment for […]
-
[…] My childhood DID affect my finances by Jana at Daily Money Shot […]
-
[…] Jana posted on how her childhood affected her finances. Good […]
-
[…] I posted a link to Jana’s post on this topic during a recent Friday link round-up. Jana’s story was different than mine […]
-
[…] note: If you want to read my answer to Andrea’s question, make sure you read this. If you like this, please enjoy these other shots: Dad’s financial […]
This is such an honest and open post! I think childhood definitely affects the way we all see money. I had a pretty idealistic childhood myself, but my mom put everything on credit and remortgaged her house several times to give us the things she thought we deserved. She was a single mom and worked full time in a job that paid under the poverty line an hour and a half away from home, but we never knew any of her monetary concerns.
No matter how one grows up, I think it’s important to be more open about money.
Daisy recently posted…Six Annoying Work Personalities We Could All Do Without
Excellent post! It’s so important to realize that our past experiences–including our upbringing–certainly impact our financial choices.
I think that is the biggest mistake parents do. I mean sex, drugs, smoking are all seen as important topics to discuss with kids, but money is hardly ever put into that category.
Out on Staten Island it was sort of the same. Not that there were million dollar homes, but they were quite nice in many neighborhoods. I saw lots of people that I knew get handed things, never having to work for them. Even in college, since a lot of LIers went into the state system, Buffalo in particular. They would call and say “I need this” and it would be there for them. Some of them didn’t adjust very well to adult life on their own.
But, if you look on the bright side, you could have ended up a whole lot worse based on where some of the people I used to know are now!
Eric J. Nisall – DollarVersity recently posted…Stop With The Evil Credit Card Crap Already
I made it to my computer so now I can comment. First great post, it takes chutzpah to tell people the truth and how you feel about money concerning your childhood. Man, I wish I had the access to the things you did as a child but, only if my parents explained everything to a T. This is what I fear with my future children. they will have the means to do what they want but can I effectively communicate how money works to them? I’m sad that 60k in debt was the wake up call, but I’m glad you actually got a wake up call. Many people go through life never growing up and facing reality. Last but not least. Your plan for your children is amazing.
What are you doing to day so your kids know about money and how it works?
YFS recently posted…ENTER TO WIN THE YFS 50 DOLLAR LEAP YEAR CASH GIVEAWAY
This sounds a lot like how my fiancée was raised. Up until about a year ago, he had a very similar “We don’t talk about it, it’ll just work out” attitude. Fortunately he didn’t go into debt over it, but he has started to realize that it takes planning and saving to make progress in life.
I think your commitment to being open about money is great, more parents should be like you!
Jordann recently posted…Paying Off Debt In Chunks
My parents were like yours they never talked about finances and money other than an occasional mention of my dad saying your mom has credit cards and I dont have any. He would say if i dont have the cash to buy it I dont need it. This philosophy followed me until i graduated college and met my wife. We decided to start a family. She wanted to be a stay at home mom which I was all for, but that is when we started to use the bad word *Shh* Credit cards..and it spiraled a bit and now we are working to get back on our feet now that my wife works.
Christopher @ This That and The MBA recently posted…Shhh…. What do you think of that B*****?
I commend you for writing about something so personal, it’s difficult to do because of the fear that others may judge you! It’s not easy to teach kids about money, when we live in a society where instant gratification is king and you’re encouraged to have the latest and greatest things. I believe that you are right about transparency in the family finances, teaching your children by example, and allowing them to take part in their financial education.
Monica recently posted…How to Avoid Student Loans
This sounds so similar to how I was raised. My parents were very well off, and my siblings and I got pretty much everything we wanted. Money problems were never discussed, and my dad always gave my mom a credit card/allowance. I thought that’s how money was supposed to be handled. One spouse handles all the finances, while the other gets annoyed that the allowance isn’t big enough.
This is also how I found myself in over $150,000 of debt by the time I was 23 years old. Everything I learned about finances, I had to do myself. In this particular area, my parents didn’t set the best examples. Thankfully, though you and I both have learned/are learning, and that’s the important thing. We can’t change our past, but we can change our future.
Carrie – Careful Cents recently posted…Out With the Old, In With the New: 5 Steps to Spring Cleaning Your Finances
I think it is so smart that you have taken the time to think about how your background has affected and can affect your finances. I think it’s important critical in how successful you are with money, and I love that you are not talking more openly about money. Congrats!
Kelly recently posted…The Worst Financial Mistakes At Age…
There is nothing in this post for you to feel embarassed about. Your parents had money through hard work and business ownership. They weren’t in the mob or anything. 🙂 I wish our society didn’t put a negative connotation on having money.
I heard a quote once that said someting like “The best way to teach your kids about money is not to have any.” When you have money it’s even more important to educate your kids since it may not happen otherwise.
Ashley @ Money Talks recently posted…Being Wealthy Isn’t Greedy
thanks for the honesty. you’ve inspired me to write a post about my childhood.
Great post Jana!
I don’t think a lot of parents talk to their children about money. I know mine didn’t. I know there were some tough times financially when I was growing up, but things were never discussed. There is a direct corralation between no discussions about money when I was younger, and the terrible money decisions I made when I was older. I didn’t know any better.
I agree with you that being open and honest about money is the best way. I too, will be open with my daughter on how to manage money.
Mackenzie recently posted…I Don’t Miss Working in an Office
We can each only work with what we are given. You were only given one view of how money worked as a child, so naturally that’s how you were going to think it worked until something finally gave you another picture. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in that.
In fact, I thonk you have every right to be proud of yourself and your husband for being able to look beyond your preconceived notions of how it should be to find what worked for you.
And now you plan on giving your daughter a more complete picture than you ever had. That’s good parenting.
shanendoah@the dog ate my wallet recently posted…The Financial Side of our Decision to Adopt
My parents never discussed money with me. But we did not have credit cards, loans and ability to buy a car for credit in the Soviet Union. We lived from paycheck to paycheck, and it was considered normal. I am not even sure how my attitude towards money was shaped in my childhood.
You can do only so much. You have a great understanding of money and how you perceive finances. Otherwise you would not write this post. 🙂
Aloysa @My Broken Coin recently posted…If Only We Could Stop Eating
It’s almost like there is a parenthood pact – DO NOT TALK ABOUT MONEY! I love my parents, but all they did was teach me to hate saving (A post one day, I know). I’m trying hard o be open with our kids, especially our oldest, who is old enough now to understand that he needs to start working to pay for college. My husband still resists, but I push forward anyway – we need to do better than our parents did.
Kris @ BalancingMoneyandLife recently posted…March Grocery Challenge – Week 2 Update
I grew up thinking we were upper middle class and it wasn’t until I was in high school with rich kids that I realized we were considered “poor”. It’s weird how your upbringing can really affect how you view money.
Love this post (looks like you and I were on the same page today w/ our posts, haha!). My parents were very secretive about money. In fact, they’re just now starting to open up to me with vague references to money. But even though they didn’t tell me much about money, they showed me, through what they did, that it was important to work hard and “pay” for things that I wanted – definitely leading by example. Fortunately I caught on and am trying to pass it along more openly to my kids.
Great, great post!
Nick recently posted…4 tips for raising financially-responsible kids
Great post! I always love hearing about how everyone was raised. It makes you who you are today!
Good for you, I think you’re one of the few from a privileged background who end up understanding money in this regard. Kudos.
Thanks for pulling the curtain back with this open post! I guess what we’re talking about is a “teach a man to fish” situation – not necessarily with earning money but managing money. Your parents gave you lots of fish – which is awesome – but no fishing knowledge. It’s great that you have recognized how you can provide for your daughter in a different way.
I had a similar upbringing, though not as affluent, but with a different outcome. (Awesome to hear about where you went to HS! I went to a similar HS in northern Virginia.) While my parents gave me zero money skills when I was growing up – honestly, they didn’t have them to give – I got interested in the subject as soon as I started managing my own money and figured it out from there (with some bumps along the way, of course). Now I’m trying to teach my parents what I’ve learned.
I also don’t remember a time when I didn’t communicate openly with my husband (back when he was a boyfriend) about money. So I don’t think parents’ tight-lipped attitude totally determines the child’s communications. But I definitely agree it’s just better to break the money taboo ASAP.
Emily @ evolvingPF recently posted…My Biggest Financial Mistake and Why I’m Glad I Made It
My parents never really talked about money with me and my sister. They sent us to private schools and bought me a nice, brand new car when I got my driver’s license, yet I know they didn’t have a ton of money. My parents just always put us first. I admire that so much and will always do my best to be that kind of parent to my own children. Thanks for sharing your story. I love to read about peoples’ childhoods and why they are the way they are.
Michelle recently posted…I Made Some Cash- Volume 4; Coffee Talk