The thought of being dependent on someone else freaks me out.
My need to be independent has been a sore subject in my house for a long time. My husband foolishly thinks this is a reflection on him as a man and as a provider but it’s not that at all. I don’t know if this has come through or not before, but I have serious trust issues. I don’t believe that I can fully rely on anyone else to take care of me. I think this is part of why I never became a SAHM. The thought of having to rely on my husband’s income, and his income alone, makes me queasy. We all know what he did to me. What if I had decided to divorce him? What would I have done for money? Even though my job isn’t the most desirable, it’s still my job and my paycheck. Although…
…there are some things in the works that may make me have to really work on my issues. I’m not pregnant (we all know that can’t happen) and I’m still working full-time (even though I have a huge desire to change that). Without saying too much, there may come a day in the not so distant future where I may have to rely on my husband’s income and his income alone (that is, until my blog takes off and I’m hugely successful). As someone who, as an adult, has always taken care of herself, I’m beyond anxious and nervous about this scenario. But maybe it’s good to shake things up a bit.
Last week I departed from my rock roots to give you a country song for Money Tune Tuesday. Now I’m really departing from them. To salute my independence (regardless of the shaky state it’s in), I’ve chosen Destiny’s Child’s “Independent Women” for today’s Money Tune:
I’m the same way. It’s hard to put your economic safety in the hands of another human, even a significant other. I’ll never become a SAHM because of that. I’ve seen strong women fall fast because of reliance on their husbands.
Daisy recently posted…Things I Want To Do When I Graduate
It’s true. It really is a huge leap of faith to trust your financial well being to someone else. I don’t know that I have that level of trust.
I think there are steps you can take to mitigate your dependence on your husband. 1. have him contribute to a Spousal IRA every year. 2. can you “front-load” your contributions to 401K/emergency fund while you do have a job? 3. have an account in your own name with 6-month expenses. 4. have the names of family or friends that you can turn to in a pinch if you need to leave.
I completely understand your reluctance to be financially dependent on your spouse. I love my fiance dearly, and I believe that he’d be there for me, but that’s now. What about later when things aren’t so rosy? Having my own source of income is something I need in order to feel secure.
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Those are really good suggestions. I do have an account in my own name that I tend to hoard money in and I do have family and friends I can go to. But the other ones are definitely doable.
Many times the bf has told me I should quit my job. Not quit to do nothing, but quit to do something I enjoy more, even if it pays less. But, I have to admit I’m a little too cautious to do that. The thought of depending on him (or anyone else…even though he’s completely dependable) scares me to death. Maybe it’s because I’m independent, maybe it’s because I’m a child of a divorce, maybe it’s something I’m not even aware of?
Kari@Small Budget Big Dreams recently posted…7 Items to Splurge On
It’s definitely hard to pinpoing why we’re scared to do rely on someone else. It’s wonderful that your boyfriend is so supportive of you! But believe me, I understand your trepidation…
I worked all my adult life before I decided to stay home with my daughter. Even in college, I balanced school, work, sorority life, and a boyfriend. My plan after I gave birth to my daughter was to go back to work, but once I had her, I just couldn’t go back to work. Hubby & I talked about it and realized it was the best decision for our family. Was it hard? Yup! Was I terrified that we would no longer have my income coming in? You bet! But I am so glad that we did what we did. Some months are harder than others financially speaking, but I have loved being home with my girl.
Do what’s best for you Jana, and everything will fall into place. 🙂
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Thanks, Mackenzie. I wish we had been in a financial position 5 years ago when she was an infant for me to quit. Then maybe this wouldn’t be stressing me out so much!
Again, I think this is one of those issues that women should do what works for them and their situation. That being said, I felt just like you before I became a SAHM. I was out on my own by the time I was 17 and have always held down a full time job and provided for myself. I prided myself on that. Along came baby, marriage and a house (in that order). I have mentioned before the resentment and guilt that seeped in from me not providing an income (something I am fully capable of doing). Like anything it was a huge adjustment, many arguments and trial and error before we both felt “comfortable” with the idea of being dependent on one income. Ten plus years later, we consider it OUR income. WE sit down and figure out a budget and I am the one mainly responsible for handling the task of our finances (paying bills, savings, household expenses). FOR ME, at the end of the day it came down to ME wanting to be at home with our kids being more important than MY pride of being financially independent. It’s different for everyone so float your own boat not your neighbors and take your fears seriously because they will follow you into whatever decision you make.
Jenniemarie @ anotherhousewife recently posted…My Thoughts on One Thousand Gifts
I’m fully aware that he’s going to consider it “our money” but I’m the one who won’t feel that way. Because I won’t be earning it.
I agree that every woman has to do what’s best for her family. However, it still makes me painfully nervous to rely on someone else.
I hate being dependent on anyone because it makes me very insecure. I am a control freak to some extend and I rely only on myself to make sure everything is right. Sometimes I get tired of it and wish I would losen up a little, but it never happens.
Aloysa @ My Broken Coin recently posted…Some Jobs Pay More Than You Think
I’m the same way, Aloysa. That’s why I’m freaking out about this.
I hear you. I wouldn’t want to be dependent on anyone else either.
Without prying too much, but only because it sounds like you’ve alluded to it before and I just missed it, what did your husband do to you? was it some form of financial infidelity? i understand if you don’t want to bring it up again.
Newlyweds on a Budget recently posted…How to make money as a mystery shopper
I’ve talked about it before–he actually cheated on me. It’s why I don’t trust him with my livelihood. What if he does it again? Where does that leave me, financially?
I’m a rock girl, too, but I LOVE that song! Some things we just can’t help…
I was at a loss as to what to do about the situation other than to tell hubby to get over it, but WellHeeledBlog seems to have some great ideas.
femmefrugality recently posted…Three Months of Third Thursdays
There’s really nothing for him to get over because he’s fine with the situation. It’s my issue. And yes, Well Heeled Blog did give some fantastic suggestions.
Yeah, I’m a big self-reliance guy. My wife is a SAHM and you’re right – no matter how supportive I think I am, I know there’s a little piece of her that’s nervous about being relatively reliant. I hope I’m doing enough to make her feel as comfortable as possible. Who knows… (maybe I’ll ask, but I’m a bit afraid of the answer… Then again, if I can help her with any anxiety, maybe an answer is what I need…)
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I understand where your wife is coming from. Maybe it might be a good idea for you to talk to her about it. You can always subtly bring it up and see what happens…