I don’t normally do weekend wrap-up posts because there’s only so many interesting and creative ways I can tell you I ran errands, read books, watched Netflix, and spent time with my family. That’s pretty much what I do all weekend, every weekend unless it’s cheer season and that’s even more boring than my regular life. We do sometimes socialize, like this past weekend, but I don’t know that that’s all that interesting either. Unless you count getting 455910 mosquito bites on my ankles, legs, and feet as interesting.
I don’t.
This past weekend, though, some pretty significant events happened and I wanted to share a couple of them with you guys.
First, as some of you may or may not know, I run a blogger mentoring program. I’ve been doing it for just about 2 years now and while the program itself is in the middle of a restructuring/reorganization phase, I am running a live session at a conference in September (the conference is in New Orleans. I’ve never been. To say I’m excited is a big fat understatement). However, financially, paying for the conference was a concern. My husband and I truly did not know how we were going to pull it off but then, on Saturday, I got an email that not only did my session get a sponsor, but the sponsor is a blogger I highly respect and I am thrilled to help her promote her next product (as soon as I have her permission, I’ll share with you guys what it is). This means that the financial pressure of the conference is off and I get to work with someone I admire (seriously, she’s a blogging rock star).
Major, major victory for me.
Which leads me to the second big thing. This one is more introspective, though. While processing the fact that I have a sponsor and all that, it made me realize that I’m afraid of my own success. Whenever I get to the brink of having success either with writing or my former career or my mentoring business, it’s freaks me out to the point that all the fears and doubts take over and I do something to sabotage myself. It can be something small, like pull back from writing or abandon a project, or it can be something big like not send an email to a particularly well known contact, but I inevitably do something.
Apparently one thing I’m really good at is making bad choices.
I know that I wrestle with low self-esteem, and I have for as long as I can remember, and those inner voices that tell me that I don’t deserve to be successful. And since I believe them, my actions that I take, or don’t take, turn those voices into a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s a vicious cycle, and then, at the end I sit and wallow in the fact that I’m not a successful writer, business owner, blogger, whatever it is I’ve just ruined.
That’s my fault.
It’s not that I want to be famous. I don’t. In fact, one of my ideal/dream jobs is as a ghost writer for a big name series, like the people who wrote the Sweet Valley High or Babysitter’s Club books. All the writing, steady paycheck, none of the fame. It’s perfect for me. Yet do I do anything to make this dream happen? No.
And that’s my fault, too. I make excuses for why I can’t do the things I know I need to do when truly it’s my own self that I’m battling. It’s my own issues that prevent me from reaching out, working harder, and putting myself out there.
And I want more than anything to believe in myself. I want to own what I’m good at. Yet I simply can’t.
I tried addressing this in therapy and honestly, it made it worse. I realize that’s probably because I had a shitty therapist but maybe also a little bit me. Maybe deep down, I don’t want to change because this is comfortable. It’s what I know and the kind of change and growth involved in developing a healthy dose of self-confidence is too scary for me to handle.
Because maybe it’ll lead to the success I’m afraid of.
So realizing all of that, and admitting to myself, and all of you, is pretty significant. Now I just have to work on making it better.
Have you guys ever had a moment where you finally admit something to yourself you didn’t want to? How did you handle it?
That is amazing news! Congrats on your sponsorship!!!!
I totally understand the fear of success. It is crazy ti me, because I have a huge fear of failure AND success. Basically it forces me to just be mediocre. It is hard to push yourself to do something about it too!
Nadine recently posted…Weekend Shenanigans
YES! This! Exactly! I’m so afraid to fail AND to succeed that I wind up doing nothing and get stuck in a mediocre rut. And the harder I try to push myself out of it, the worse the negative voices get.
Yayyyy for getting to work with a blogging rock star and expenses paid!
I think every single person deserves to be successful in their lives no matter what their definition of success is. Life can be scary but if we move past the fear wonderful things can happen. I believe in you and I know you can be and deserve to be successful.
Kelli recently posted…Picture Practice: Cold
Thanks, friend! I appreciate that so much!
I have a clear definition of what successful looks like to me and I’m not quite there yet, mainly because I stand in my own way. It’s a pretty vicious cycle.
Congrats on getting a sponsor. Exciting. It is hard to admit our weakness but in admitting them you can work on them. You deserve to e successful, don’t stand in your own way!
I’m pretty good admitting my weaknesses…it’s my strengths I have a problem with. So I guess I need to work on that, too.
FABULOUS on the sponsorship! That’s truly wonderful. Congratulations!
I tend to rein myself in when I’m getting too close to something I really want…MFD is actually good at calling me on it and telling me to stop limiting myself. It’s hard to hear from him and harder to kick myself out of it.
Ghost writing is my dream job. I hate the spotlight.
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…TWTW
I am not good in the spotlight. I freeze and it makes me uncomfortable.
Scott tries to call me out on when I limit myself but I don’t listen. I’m rather stubborn.
I AM SO, SO , SO PROUD OF YOU! Congrats. I can’t wait to hear all of the details.
and…yes, I am somewhat of a pro at self sabotage! I’m taking extremely small steps to remedy that. Progress is progress right?
Jenniemarie @ Another Housewife recently posted…The Truth About Parenting
Progress, no matter how small, is definitely progress. I need to take smaller steps. Because then at least I’d be taking steps.
Congrats on your sponsor. That is awesome!
I sometimes get afraid of success, only because with success comes a lot of rude people it seems. You find a lot of awesome people, but then you have the ones whose goal, it seems, is to bring a person down.
Amber recently posted…Stuff We Did In Port Aransas,Texas
Those people definitely do get inside my head when I shouldn’t let them. I need to work on that because I know it’s more a reflection of them than me.
Congrats on getting the sponsor. Nothing wrong with your usual weekends (they sound like mine) but successes are always a bonus! Try to focus on those and let them push you to try for more.
Kate recently posted…This was my weekend
I like my normal, boring weekends. They suit my personality.
I’d love to have a snowball of successes. Hopefully this is the start.
Get out of your own way before I tackle your ass and take you out of the way FOR you. YOU GOT THIS!
Amanda recently posted…“Crazy in Love” with eShakti!
I appreciate your confidence in me <3
I'll do what I can to make you not tackle me.
congrats on getting a sponsor! i know what you mean by doubt and whatnot. but you’re totally awesome and like Amanda says, you’ve got this!
meanwhile, i was SO upset when I learned that BSC and Sweet Valley were written by ghost writers as well as the ‘main’ author.
Kristen recently posted…Travel Dreaming
I was disappointed and felt cheated because when I found out, I didn’t know such a thing as ghost writers existed (I was a teenager, I think). Now, though, I’m all for it!
Thanks for the vote of confidence 🙂
I know what you mean about being afraid of success… my boss has all but said that if/when he leaves, he thinks I should replace him. And I’m like… um… do I really want that? I guess I’m flattered, although I totally don’t feel like I’ve earned that or deserve it. I don’t know. Weird.
Sarah @ Beauty School Dropout recently posted…Last but not Least
I completely get it. The only time I never panicked at the thought of being in charge was when I was a juvenile probation officer and had to be acting supervisor at times. I was so confident in my ability that it never phased me. But since then? Nope. No confidence at all.