I recently read a post on Bible Money Matters, Should You Reveal Your Debt to Family and Friends. Melissa mentioned that by discussing her debt on her blog (Mom’s Plans), it got a reaction from her mother, which went from concerned to confidence that Melissa and her husband had control over their situation. It got me thinking about how I handled myself when I was deep in debt and why I chose not to share the extent of the problem with family and friends. It was a difficult, personal decision not to talk about it because for me, talking about those types of issues makes me feel better. Talking to people who have been there (or are in the same situation) gives me ideas as to how to proceed in my journey. It’s a relief to not hold those kinds of secrets to myself. But this was a situation where I really wrestled with myself as to how much to reveal.
One reason we opted not to share was because we didn’t think anyone would believe us. On the surface, it didn’t seem like we were struggling. We were able to make our mortgage payment and our bills, buy necessities like gas, diapers and formula, and we both had full-time jobs that provided health and dental insurance. But underneath, it was a different story. We often had only $30 to feed the both of us for 2, sometimes 3 weeks. We could not afford new clothes or shoes or even winter coats (it was during this time that I discovered eBay. The money I saved buying clothes and coats from eBay allowed us each to buy a pair of shoes). We were struggling to make the minimum payments on our credit cards and often had to juggle payments, and make some utility payments late. We opted to make the utility payments late rather than the credit cards because the penalty was much less. We had no money to make very necessary home repairs, have any fun other than what could be done within the four walls of our house (or for free at the park or library). We would have to save for a month just to make a trip to Long Island to visit family, and often, my dad would slip us some money for gas and tolls on the way back because he had an idea of how we were struggling.
My dad was perhaps the only one who knew the extent to which we were struggling. We had each revealed a little bit to other family members (our friends were absolutely clueless as to our situation. We got around a lot of things by saying we had no babysitter rather than saying we having no money) but no one knew how bad it really was until later, when we were coming out the other side and finally decided to talk about it. We kept the information to ourselves because we also didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s debt (whether it’s a friend, co-worker, family member) can make the listening party feel awkward and weird. Many, if not most people, don’t like to talk about money and hearing that someone has between $50-$60K of debt or can’t afford to buy food or make a payment on time is not always the easiest information to digest. It’s hard to come up with appropriate words when someone tells you she can’t afford to eat. Hearing about someone else’s debt makes people squeamish and I didn’t want to be the one to put others in that situation.
There was yet another reason we chose not to share. We were embarrassed. Here we were, 2 Master’s educated adults with full-time jobs and we couldn’t get our finances together. We were ashamed that we couldn’t control our spending and that we had amassed such a large amount of consumer debt on…well, we’re still not quite sure where our money went except for our car. We were mortified that we couldn’t do anything except live paycheck to paycheck. We were humiliated that it was such a struggle to provide basic necessities and that we constantly had to pay late fees because we couldn’t pay anything on time. To have to admit that to people whose opinions we respected was just too difficult.
I can’t say that had we told people what was going on, the process would have been any easier or less stressful. I can’t say that it would have been less humiliating. I do know that it would have given us a greater support system and maybe we underestimated the understanding we would have gotten from our families and friends. But I am not sure that I could have dealt with the judgment that would have been passed because of the situation.
How about you? Did you share your debt with friends and family?
Simply put, no we don’t. My family knows a rough idea of our situation, but they don’t know the specifics of how much we paid for our house, what our incomes are, and what our debt level is. Although, we have celebrated together when paying off student loans, auto loans, that type of thing.
For some reason my sister feels that my wife and I are loaded. It’s fairly annoying b/c she is sometimes bummed when our gifts don’t match her expectations (like at Christmas), but she really has no firm grasp on money. She assumes because we both work and own a home that we can spend lavishly on things.
MoneyforCollegePro recently posted…The Student Debt Project — First Look
I can identify with what you’re saying, Jana. There are friends and family that are aware that we are struggling with debt and enrolled in a program. But they don’t know the numbers, and I doubt we’ll ever tell them until it’s all gone. Just recently I started including the number in some posts…but it still makes me a bit queasy. I also choose not to share some details even in very personal posts…too embarrassing, too whatever.
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It’s the same for me, Travis. I just can’t bring myself to put all the specifics. I’m OK with mentioning ball park figures and types of debt but to list it all out makes me twitch.
This is definitely a tough question. For me, I was selective in sharing, and I shared the full picture with a few people, but for most people I just told them I was working on getting my finances in order. I didnt go into specifics, but I cited some savings I wanted to build up and that seemed to work. It is not easy telling anyone, but it does help.
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That’s a good point, Jeff. Talking about specific savings seems to make it easier for people to digest rather than talking about paying off debt.
You know me, I’m pretty open about things. I have no problems putting numbers out there (just see my budgeting posts). At the same time, I never really talked about finances to our friends unless they wanted to.
We didn’t really know what kind of a hole we’d dug for ourselves until C lost his job. And then, it’s kind of hard to keep that a secret, as one of the best ways to get a new job is through networking.
I would say my mother knows most of the specifics, and folks who read my money blog are probably right behind her. But mostly with friends, we talk in generalities, and now a days, it’s actually about the fact that we are probably better off for C having lost his job than we would be if he hadn’t, because that forced us to change our spending habits.
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Yeah, you are really open. I wish I could have that kind of transparency. I’m fine talking in generalities, even on this site, but putting my specifics out there makes me really nervous. I still can’t get over the fear of judgment.
I agree that it is difficult to share your financial situation w/friends and family. No one really knows the extent of our debt either. People know bits and pieces and that’s about it. For me, it’s the embrassasment factor. I have a college degree but have consumer debt for purchases I can’t even remember! How’s that for education?
I’m right there with you, Molly. The shame, the embarrassment…it makes you feel like you got the wrong education, doesn’t it?
No one, in either family talks about their finances. We just don’t do it. You examine the reasons thoughtfully. Thanks for the post.
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I am now definitely more open than the rest of my family or my husband’s family. I probably need to put that away.