I often spend time thinking about ways I can improve myself. Not just intellectually but as a person overall. Someone who’s more compassionate, more tolerant of things like stupidity and drama and bad grammar, volunteers more and works harder to accomplish my goals and spends less time binge watching Netflix, thinking of ways to eat peanut butter, or obsessing over what book to read next.
The danger with thinking, though, is that the more time I spend in my head, the more negative thoughts I have that are unrelated to what I initially started thinking about (I’m still trying to figure out how this makes sense but I suppose when you battle major self-esteem issues like I do, the mind is like a deserted island and when you’re alone with yourself too much, you start making things up that might also be a little true). Thoughts like:
I’ll never lose the weight. I’m destined to be fat forever.
I’ll never finish my book. I’m a terrible writer. Who wants to read what I write anyway?
I’m very unlikable. Perhaps this is why I have so few friends and don’t get invited places.
I’ll never get a job. I’ve been out of work too long and I have no skills left.
I’m not a good mother/wife. I’m incredibly lazy and contribute nothing to my family.
Most days, my head is not a fun place to live.
One of my main problems is that I often interchange the thoughts listed above with traits like the fact that I will never be tall. I will never need a Wonderbra. I will never have blue eyes without the assistance of contacts. I will never be bald (although the amount of shedding I do daily seems to indicate otherwise). I will never be able to stand the smell or taste of oranges. I will never enjoy the feel of satin. I will never be an early riser. I will never be tan, even with spending hours in the sun.
Did you notice the difference between the two lists? How the things on the second list are physical characteristics? And how the things in the first list are thoughts and personality traits? Totally different from each other. Yet I struggle with separating them. Because to me, who I am and who I am are completely intertwined. Like being short and having brown eyes somehow makes me a bad writer or unemployable.
I know.
Something my idiot therapist did teach me is that my mind maps all point the wrong way and I need to get reoriented so I follow the right path. The problem comes with the fact that I have always had a poor sense of direction. It takes me a lot of wrong turns before I get to where I’m going and while I’m not 100% sure exactly where I am now, I do know that finally acknowledging the difference between what I can change and what I can’t is a huge step towards the self-improvement I crave.
Cognitively, I know what I think about myself is ridiculous. For starters, it’s mostly untrue. Then there’s the undeniable fact that there’s absolutely nothing I can’t change without motivation, desire, and hustle. And hard work. All of which I’m ready, willing, and able to do. Assuming I can get out of my own way.
I’m a hell of a roadblock.
How about you guys? Are you able to get out of your own way or do you get stuck?
Very interesting. I am short and will never need a wonder bra aka cardboard bra, either. In my previous life, I judged people, was high on my horse, since I worked full-time when not many women did, helped my mom with my siblings, held large family gatherings, etc. and did all of it pretty well. Then I had a life change, much guilt, and got into being extremely grateful and positive for all of the many good things in my life. I also believe things happen for a reason & always look for the silver lining. Now I am in a bit of a lazy rut. I want to eat & drink & do whatever I want!! Always wanting security via having “enough” money and too much weight have been with me my whole life. I am still working on that. I immediately try to quell fear and negativity via various mantras. Life is certainly a journey. Goddess speed to all of us!
Love, SMD’s Momma
I get into lazy ruts, and that’s when all the negative really creep in. I have to work extra hard to stay busy and productive because that’s when I feel good about myself. I probably should find a mantra for when things get really bad.
Ah, I get incredibly stuck in my own head. I often think “Oh, I used to do that…why don’t I do that anymore? I’m not doing all I can because I don’t do that.” Like I have untapped potential or something.
And you’re right: there’s things we can change and things that will never be able to change. I’d never try to change my eye color so I don’t know why I obsess over of facets of life.
Kristin recently posted…P to the L
I definitely have those thoughts, too. Why do we do that to ourselves? It’s the opposite of productive.
from when i was little, my dad has always taught me the power of choices and options…that you are never without choices or options. for example, if you’re feeling sad, you can either stay sad or do something to make yourself feel better. if you’re angry, you can choose to either stay angry or forget about that anger and channel that energy towards something positive.
this very valuable lesson has guided me in every step of my life and is why i am never stuck in my own head. when i felt awful health wise, i knew that i could either wallow in that and continue to feel that way or i could do something about it and i chose to do something about it.
we all have the power to change things or at lease to turn a negative into a positive 🙂
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I love that your dad taught you that. It’s definitely the opposite of what many of us were taught and you can see the effect it’s had on you now as an adult. I find you to be inspiring in how you just take charge of your life and how confident you are.
I’m working on realizing I don’t have to accept things the way they are and that it’s all in my power to change what I don’t like. Some days are better than others.
Interesting way of describing our thoughts like roadmaps and that your therapist said you needed to re-map your thoughts. That “thought X” shouldn’t be connected to “thought Y” anymore…I grew up with a very critical father who hardly ever gave constructive criticism. So, when I was first married, I thought all criticism from Alan was negative. I still feel that way sometimes. I put ulterior motives behind what he says or I read way too much between his lines. (I feel like I’ve told this to you already, so I’m sorry for being repetitive.) Alan has been able to slowly remind me that he’s not my dad and that he does not say things to me with negative intentions. It’s a slow process to undo old brain connections and form new ones, but at least it’s getting done.
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It’s a very slow process. I don’t know that my parents were extra critical but they did pick on me for stuff and I think that’s stuck with me and it’s hard to shake. As a result, I’m definitely oversensitive to some stuff Scott says and I do the same thing, thinking there’s ulterior motives even if it’s not true.
I’m never stuck in my own head about anything serious. I am cognizant of not self-sabotaging. I live with someone who’s always putting up road blocks for himself, and his thoughts actually map like yours sometimes and I’m like wait…you know these things have nothing to do with the other things, right? It’s really interesting to think about like that.
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…TWTW – The Birthday one in Niagara Falls
In our relationship, Scott is like you. He doesn’t self-sabotage like at all, ever, and he struggles with the same questions you do with MFD. I thinks it’s a good thing we have you guys as a balance.
Girl, YES, I have so been there! I’m my own worst critic and my own worst obstacle! I’ve tried to really develop a more positive outlook and accept my imperfections while focusing on my strengths, which helps but I still struggle with negative self-talk sometimes!
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I’m actively working on focusing on my strengths rather than my weaknesses but it’s hard most days. But at this point, even two consecutive days of positive self-talk is a win.
I definitely get stuck – more than getting out of my way.
But, I definitely have the same thoughts you do. It’s awful sometimes living in my head.
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I think it’s a mental health thing. People with depression tend to have messed up ways of thinking.
I am very much the same. I think most of the same thoughts you do, obviously not writer / parent thoughts, but most of the same. and then i get mad about things i can’t change; my height, my bones, the colour of my eyes like they are the cause or are related to the other things. i’m fat because i have brown eyes, because no-one with blue eyes is fat. i have no friends and have never been a bridesmaid because there is something wrong with my personality, or because i am different and like different things than others. it took me a long time to be okay with the fact that i really, really, really like to read and a lot of people don’t share that same love (at least to the extent i do) and i don’t ‘get’ other things the way some people do. i also blame a lot of things on the fact that i am australian / foreign. like i can help that!! but i blame that for the reason i have never been a bridesmaid or have a lot friends, or don’t fit in. in either country, i’ve always felt odd.
i don’t know. i’m rambling now. i wish i could stop these thoughts, especially the ones i know are ridiculous. i am sorry you think these thoughts as well, it’s so easy to say that you are wrong and your thoughts are not indicative of who you are to other people than to yourself.
have you heard of invisibilia? sorry if i spelled it wrong, but the first episode of the podcast is about thoughts, extremely interesting, though not directly related to the thoughts we have, still interesting.
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I have many, many of those thoughts, too. People look at me like I’m a freak because of how much I read and with that, I don’t care.
I have trouble fitting in most places. Where I grew up, where I live now. Honestly, the only place I really didn’t struggle was college. How weird is that? And the only time I’ve been a bridesmaid in a non-family wedding was for a college friend. It really does make you think that something is wrong with your personality even if there isn’t.
I’ve been working with a life coach (gah, that sounds cheesy, but it is awesome) and you might really like her. Someone will say something negative and she’s not afraid to just say: “Flip that shit. Turn it into a positive.” Here’s a free facebook group she runs… https://www.facebook.com/groups/1402334170080620/1408074852839885/ You should join!
I don’t think having a life coach is weird at all and I’ll look at the FB group. Thanks for sharing it!
Sometimes we are just too similar and what you wrote above I do to myself on a daily basis. My therapist tells me part of my problem is that I’m stuck. But I can’t get myself out of being stuck. I can talk myself both into and out of everything and I can see the logic and nonsense in my arguments. At least you have a great support system that can tell you that you are operating on some parallel universe and need to come back to earth. LOL Mine sometimes adds to my crazy. I figure eventually I’ll figure it out (I might be 95) and I know you will too!
I definitely get stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts, and I talk myself out of things just as quickly as I talk myself into them. It’s terrible.
I’m lucky my husband can see what’s going on and call me out on it but honestly, most of the time, I ignore what he’s saying because I tell myself he has to say that stuff (even if I know he doesn’t). Oh, and my family definitely adds to my crazy sometimes. I think most people have that 🙂
Having these thoughts, and then having the thought that you know these thoughts are ridiculous is a sign of cognitive complexity… so I mean, there’s that silver lining?
I’m unbearably critical of Mr. Scrooge and I catch myself doing it sometimes and I feel awful about it and try not to act on those feelings, but sometimes I can’t help it. I can’t figure out why I do it, but because I’m aware of it, I feel even worse when it happens. Being me is hard.
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Hmmm…I’m cognitively complex? I can live with that!
I’m sometimes way too critical of the husband but I’ve gotten a lot better over the years with a lot of work and restraint. Now I just turn most of it inward instead.
I stand in my own way allllll of the time. My husband constantly tells me that I am my own worst enemy and that I hold myself back. I cant help it. It is the way I was wired. I try really hard to overcome my thoughts. I am most hard on myself about loosing weight and getting in shape. And then I have this irrational fear of failure about everything. Like I know I am capable of doing awesome things…but then when it comes time to do them I get scared and back down. I am not sure why I do this? Being in the way of yourself is the most frustrating thing.
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I totally understand the fear of success. I definitely have that. It’s like I’m terrified of what’s going to happen and what people will say and how they’ll treat me when I do the big things I know I’m capable of. I don’t even know why I care so much.
When Pop Tart complains about being short (she’s in the 5th percentile for height and weight – so perfectly proportional, but small), C will tell her there are places she can go in Asia where they will break her legs and stretch her out a bit. It won’t add a lot of height, maybe a quarter of an inch or so, but she would be taller.
That makes him sound like a terrible father, but really, the point is to remind her that there are things about ourselves we can fix and things we really can’t, and beating ourselves up over the things we can’t fix (like height) is just as bad as getting both of our legs broken.
For me, the secret to making changes has been to stop caring about how other people see me, to stop caring about why other people think I should or should not do something, and to decide – do I want to do this for me, or don’t I? And if I want to do it for me, I then put together a plan – give myself a road map, so to speak.
But honestly, the key to making any change, has been to not wallow in blame (of myself) when I go off the map, when I take a detour, or get turned around and end up at an earlier point. Instead, I just try to focus on getting back on the planned route.
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For whatever reason, I can’t stop caring about how people will treat me. Which is odd because for the longest time, I didn’t give a shit what people said or thought about me. This is a new phenomenon and I hate it.
I have a plan/map for where I want to go. I’m just having trouble getting in the car.
You’d never know it by how much I copy you, but for the most part, I’m one of those “anti” people. If everyone else I know is doing it, I want to stay away. If other people think I should do it, it’s the last thing I want to do.
That was actually one of my biggest struggles in simply deciding I was going to lose weight. Everyone told me I should lose weight, so I did not want to. I instead wanted to flip them all off and tell them I liked me as I was and to deal with it.
So making the decision to lose weight had to be about me, and me alone, and what I wanted. Because if it wasn’t, I would be saying “screw you” to everyone and getting fatter.
Getting to the point in my head where it could be about what I wanted and not about what society thought I should be (and my natural desire to go the opposite direction), was one of my biggest challenges.
shanendoah recently posted…The Honeymoon is Over
I would say about 85% of the time I get stuck in my deranged thinking. It swirls in my head and sits there. I end up feeling miserable. Sometimes I’ll say to my husband… I have nothing going on in my life right now. I feel bad to say it but I’ve gotten worse since having my daughter. I torture myself that I should have gone back to work sooner or done something different. There are some times when I’m able to say to myself that I need to cut it out and life is too short to feel like this. But that’s a rarity. Sorry I’m a downer and have no advice to offer!
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Nope. Not a downer at all. Consider the whole post was a downer 🙂
I’ve gotten worse since I’ve had my daughter. I feel an enormous pressure to be a good example and most days, I feel like a failure. And I tell my husband, almost daily in fact, that I’m a waste and that I do nothing of value. He tells me I take care of the child and our house and all that but to me, it’s just not enough. I need to do something big and important and I’m just…not.
A few of those I have said to myself a little too often. There are so many things we can change and sometimes we just have to get out of our head. It is so hard to do.
Kerry recently posted…Go Where The Waves Take You
I so want to be out of my head. I kind of hate it in here.
Oh Jana. Remember that comment when you said if we lived near each other, we’d probably be the best of friends? We are SO much alike.
I have an extensive history of self-hate, self-sabotage, and self-destruction all the while having the facade of being a happy, easy-going, fun girl. I AM easy-going and fun, but underneath that exterior has been a girl who beats herself up senseless. I’ve been working on that, and the last four-ish years have been moving in the right direction. I’m much more aware of the effects of those negative thoughts. Before, I just allowed them to take over my brain. Now, I try to identify and point myself in a more positive direction.
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YES! All of that! That’s me! Completely and totally and apparently I come across as confident. HA! Little do people know what’s going on behind the scenes.
I’m actively trying to get better but it’s hard, undoing 37 years of crap. Thankfully I have new, awesome friends that help 🙂
we all have these types of self-doubts. even the smartest, sweetest, and/or most beautiful women will find flaws–things that we would never find as flaws. i have social anxiety, which is bred on negativity. it’s a struggle. good news is–you’re not alone 🙂
ellesees recently posted…5 Things That Make Me Happy
I have social anxiety as well, although I’m getting better, especially with the concerted effort to work on the negative thoughts. And you’re right–everyone has self-doubts at times. It’s just a matter of how to handle them.
You are on my blog feed but I didn’t read this post until today. Why? I was scared, scared that all those thoughts that are in my head that I work so hard to quiet would come rushing back like a waterfall.
I’m glad I read it though and realized I’m not alone.
Thanks for being so honest
You are definitely not alone. I promise. Lots of us feel the same way.
Your first two thoughts run through my head quite often. Along with others. I did learn from a very young age though to re-evaluate my thoughts and make positives out of negatives thoughts and its something I think most people don’t do often enough. We all have negative self thoughts though. Don’t for a mili-second think you’re alone on that!
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Also thanks for posting that 🙂
Kay R. recently posted…A Blate and other Friday Faves!
First of all… I think you’re VERY likeable. You’re one of my faves. 🙂
I definitely get in my own way a lot of times, too. I’m a creature of habit, so, when something is different or requires me to go out of my comfort zone… I usually just DON’T do it. I know it’s caused a lot of missed opportunities and the only person I can blame is myself.
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