On my old site, Jana Says, I talked extensively about my depression and anxiety issues. They’re a huge part of who I am, even if I don’t want them to be and instead of a monkey on my back, they’re like these two giant, annoying, asshole neighbors who are constantly spying on me, trying to get all up in my business, making everything difficult and most days, impossible to accomplish anything because they’re just…there. They pull up some couch and sit and they never quite know when it’s time to go home. And, being the good hostess I am, I have to entertain them.
As a result, most days are a huge struggle to even get out of bed. But deep down, I know that I’ll feel even worse if I mope about, staying in bed, not doing anything except Facebook stalking and taking BuzzFeed quizzes (for those who are interested, I should live in Portland, Tina Fey will play me in a movie, I’m a sandwich, and Scooter is my spirit Muppet) so I haul my ass out from underneath my cocoon of covers and dogs and go about my day the best that I can.
Some days I succeed, some days I don’t. It’s a crap shoot. It all depends on what phrases I tell myself first thing in the morning. Occasionally, I have a Stuart Smalley moment. Most days, I don’t. Negative self-talk is something I am extremely proficient in and even my year of therapy couldn’t change that. I don’t need people to be hard on me because I’m hard enough on myself. You know that song “My Own Worst Enemy”? Yeah, that’s me. Or, even more accurately, this:
While it’s true that I am not one of those people for whom things come easily, and I have to work twice as hard as some people for a third of the results, I know that some of my problems are of my own doing.
- I shut myself off from people when life get too hard instead of reaching out for help.
- I don’t work as diligently as I should because I get overwhelmed with my to-do list and instead of ticking things off one at a time, I quit.
- My blog and business aren’t growing as fast as I’d like because I’ve told myself no one cares or wants to be part of them (and I’m terrible at self-promotion and instead of getting over my shit, I hide).
- I let myself be overcome with jealousy at others’ successes and tell myself that I’ll never get there because I don’t deserve it.
- I let myself feel intimidated by others’ productivity and ability to manage their time and instead of working on improving, I stop doing everything because I tell myself I can’t keep up so there’s no real sense in trying.
Admittedly, I’m a fucking disaster. Because absolutely none of my problems are the result of anything other than the fact that I have a messed up way of thinking. Because consciously, I know this is all bullshit. I have tangible proof that it’s all bullshit. I have intangible proof that it’s all bullshit. Yet, day after day, I convince myself it’s all true.
If I believe it’s all true, it begs the question–why the hell do I even keep trying?
That’s a question I ask every day.
Sometimes, I don’t know what keeps me going or why. Other days, I keep trying because I need to prove my demons wrong. I like being right. I like winning arguments. I like telling people to suck it because they didn’t believe in me. I like a good fight.
And most of all, I keep trying because I want to be different. I want to have a positive self-image. I want to be confident and determined. I want to look in the mirror and be happy instead of overly critical.
That won’t happen if I quit.
Besides, if I quit, what would the pioneers think of me? They didn’t quit because someone else had a better crop or a larger homestead. They didn’t quit because conditions were too harsh or because there were too many chores to do. They didn’t quit because their family in the East didn’t believe in them. If anything, that made them push harder. They fought through everything hard, unpleasant, and ugly. They fought to make a better life for themselves.
And so I fight. I fight for a better life for myself. Even on the days I fail or I don’t think I deserve it, I fight.
And since I philosophically refuse to quote Christina Aguilera, I’m using this as my new affirmation instead:
after i had kayla, i went through a severe depression. clinically, i was diagnosed with the following: major depressive disorder, high anxiety disorder and mild OCD. almost all the time, my OCD was so bad which was in direct correlation to how anxious i was. like you, getting out of bed was such a struggle and i just couldn’t escape the blackness clouding my heart and brain. i went into psychotherapy which literally saved my life. my psychiatrist saved my life. through medication and talk therapy, i learned how to recognize my triggers and what i can do to control my anxiety/not let my OCD spin out of control. i swear, going to him was the best thing i ever did.
i’m not sure why i’m telling you all of this but just to let you know that you’re not alone. if you’re in therapy, excellent; sometimes just talking it out with someone you trust is enough to keep the darkness at bay.
i also workout like a mofo. it’s the ONLY way for me to keep my mood up because that sinking feeling is just awful. so i workout and eat clean and turned my health around for the sake of my sanity.
thanks so much for sharing your story; know that i’m here for you!! xoxox
kathy @ vodka and soda recently posted…humpday confessions
I’ve definitely learned to identify my triggers and know either how to avoid them or curb the symptoms. It’s made a world of difference.
And I appreciate you telling me. The more of us that talk about it, the less stigma there is.
Oh, and I work out and do my best to watch what I eat. That–without a doubt–makes the biggest difference.
I think in some ways we will always be our own worst nightmares. Keep up the fight, don’t let it win. You are strong, you are capable, you shall overcome!!
Kerry recently posted…Help a Pup
Thanks, Kerry! I appreciate your support!
Jana, I am so proud of you. I have all the words and all I can say is I Love You and I know exactly {EXACTLY} how you feel because you know I fight the same fight, day after day. You have been my sounding board and for that I am truly blessed that our paths have crossed. Keep fighting my dear friend. You are AMAZING!… {I found some words ;)}
Jenniemarie @ Another Housewife recently posted…30 Day Challenge: 1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back
I couldn’t be happier that we’re friends. I love you!
Actually, you don’t seem much of a disaster to me at all. You seem very in touch with your feelings, and your challenges, well, you may feel these more deeply and struggle much, much harder. Really, you are not giving yourself credit for all of the good things you do accomplish. And, on your long list of complaints on yourself, I think most everyone can relate to many of these points in one way or another, or at some time in their lives. Be gentle and kind to you and all the good qualities you possess.
Peggy Gilbey McMackin recently posted…Baked Whole Pompano Grigliata on Sea Salt
Thank you for the kind words.
I hear you. I completely get where you are coming from. Although I haven’t been in your shoes… I’ve known depression and I definitely know the anxiety. I have social anxiety and it is a daily fight to put a happy face on and make it through the day some times.
I love your fight and your look towards the future!!! 🙂 Keep it going!
Kathy recently posted…Throwback Thursday!
I don’t have social anxiety except situationally so I can empathize. I’m glad you keep going, too!
Hugs! As someone who only sees a tiny sliver of your life, you don’t seem like a disaster to me. I love all things Leslie Knope, so I’ll echo her words. Hang in there. You’re doing better than you think.
Sarah @ Beauty School Dropout recently posted…Join us for #OneCommunity in April!
Thank you for the vote of confidence. I appreciate it.