I’ve been going back and forth for awhile about sharing this but after reading some great posts on other blogs, it made me realize I stand to lose nothing by sharing and also, I’d be a bullshit blogger if I didn’t write about things like this. So here we go. And please bear with me as I wade through all of this. I’m going to try and make it as coherent as possible.
Confession: I am fat.
To look at me, you’d say I’m not but I see the number on the scale and I see the size tags on my clothes, and all of it tells me one conclusive fact.
I. Am. Fat.
It’s not like this is something new. I’ve been overweight as long as I can remember, save for a couple of years in my earlyish twenties where I was decidedly not fat (and when I was a kid but I have no recollection of those skinny years). That came after months of hard work and dieting and when I look at myself in the mirror (which, quite frankly, I only do if I absolutely have to), I can still see that almost thin girl trying to get through (if that reminds you of what John Bender says to Claire when he learns her name, that’s totally fine because that’s what went through my head as I wrote it) but in reality, it looks like the fat girl ate her. And her friend.
To say it’s depressing is an understatement.
The thing is, I know it’s my fault. I know how to put a fork down. I know how to close a bag of chips or not eat 14 brownies or have that second serving of whatever. Yet most times, I choose not to. I used to think I didn’t know why but I really do. I just wasn’t willing to admit it before now.
You see, being fat gives me an excuse to hide from all the things that make me nervous: new friends, new situations, being on stage (which I have to do in NOLA at the conference I’m going to), having people look at me. Staying fat means I don’t have to worry about trying to be a published writer or pursuing any other big dreams I have. It lets me hide from being successful; if I’m successful, people have to see me and then I open myself up to all sort of criticizing and condemning eyes.
The worst of which are my own.
Because if you’ve ever had a conversation with me, you know I’m my own worst critic. I’m also my own worst nemesis and if anyone ever said the things to me that I say to myself, we’d no longer be friends.
I’m that vicious.
You should know that I beat myself up about how I look pretty much daily. It’s as natural to me as breathing. It’s so ingrained in who I am that I genuinely don’t know how to stop. I’m pretty sure if I were thin again, I’d still do it. You see, once you have that version of “fat you”, no matter how much weight you lose, you still see yourself as fat. Even if you have all the empirical data to prove otherwise, what you see in the mirror doesn’t change because you can’t reconcile the new you with the fat you. Not without tons of hard work and maybe even a little therapy.
And the thing is, I know I’m not the only one. I know there are plenty of women out there (men, too), who do exactly what I do every single day. And like me, their self worth is completely contingent on what the scale says in the morning or how a certain shirt looks or if our pants can fit straight out of the dryer. Which is total bullshit because I know I’m a good person despite my weight. I care about people and animals and I recycle and I call my mother. I’m fun. I’m intelligent. I’m moderately talented. I practice good personal hygiene. Yet when I look in a mirror, I don’t see that. I don’t see all the good parts about me. And all the women like me ignore all the other good, amazing aspects about themselves, too.
We just see fat.
It needs to change.
Because feeling this crappy every single day, not because of comments from strangers or husbands or friends, but because of what we say to ourselves, well, that’s pretty much the worst feeling in the world.
So for all the fat girls out there who are unhappy and don’t know where or how to start feeling better, let me be your guinea pig. Let me work out all the kinks for you. Let me do something about it and share the experience with you so when you’re ready, you can learn from my mistakes. And let me be your support because honestly? I get it. Even if it seems like no one else understands or comprehends what you’re going through, please know that I do. 
Because we’re the same.
But this journey is more than just losing weight. That’s actually the easy part. The hard part is changing my inner dialog. I need to stop berating myself daily. I need to acknowledge that who I am is not dictated by how I look. I need to stop being so hard on myself and start giving myself compliments (and accepting them from others), even if I have a bad day or week or even month. I need to accept that I am more than my weight. I need to believe am a good person despite the fact that maybe I’m not ideal on a chart.
And even if I never reach some arbitrary ideal weight, that’s okay. This whole thing is about me learning to be happy with me. It’s not for anyone else. It’s only for me.
And if that’s a little selfish, then so be it. I have to live with me for the rest of my life.
You might only have to look at me for a few minutes.
Linking up with Kathy and Liz
I didn’t realize I was considered overweight until I joined the military. Even still the BMI scale says I’m overweight and I have no fucks to give. As long as I’m comfortable, then I’m satisfied. There are days that I’m hard on myself and there are days that I struggle with only having ONE dessert (after each meal, usually). I’m now struggling with the fact that just because I’m running a lot doesn’t give me a reason to eat like shit. It’s a constant battle. I’m glad I’m not in it alone. 🙂
Teh Megan recently posted…Humpday Confessions #20
You are definitely not alone. I sometimes fall into the “I’m exercising so I can eat more” mentality. Perhaps this is part of why I am overweight.
Kudos on publishing this post.
We are all definitely our own worst critics and you are particularly hard on yourself!
Sometimes I think the world would be easier if we were all blind but we’d find something else superficial to harp on about ourselves. We all have that thing we beat ourselves up on.
SMD @ Life According to Steph recently posted…Worth Every Cent
I am really hard on myself. And it’s even harder to stop.
You’re right. Even if we couldn’t see, we’d still find something to hate about ourselves.
I think we are all hardest on ourselves. I know how you feel in some ways and hope we can both try to be better to ourselves!
Kate recently posted…One reason I still need my dad
We can both do it! It’s so necessary to do.
It’s so true that we are usually our hardest critics. I hope that you are able to change that way of thinking, and learn to be nicer to yourself. It shouldn’t be about the way we look, but about how we treat ourselves and take care of ourselves- and that includes mentally.
brittanyssp recently posted…Wednesday Confessions: Rant Edition
I agree. Taking care of ourselves mentally is crucial. It’s amazing more people don’t do it. I have my theories as to why and we need to stop doing it to ourselves.
I think no matter who you are or how you look you’re always your own harshest critic AND someone else will be there to back that criticism up with their own harsh comments.
Learning to love you is the most important thing in the world, you’re awesome and so worth it!
Kelli recently posted…How About Them Goals
I would love to love me. I like me okay but the packaging is distracting.
I love this post. Thank you from one fat girl learning to love herself at any weight to another. LITB.
It’s a road best travelled with a friend. LITB <3
This post makes this fat girl all warm and fuzzy because it is like I could have written it. We really are our own worse critics. And you are right, we should look in the mirror and see the good things about us, but instead we see what we hate. It is as much a mental battle as a physical battle, even more mental I think.
Nadine recently posted…Confessions – Things I am Not Good At
It is more mental, which is so much harder to overcome. My life would be so much easier if I could just love what I see. One day. I’ll get there. And so will you!
Well it wasn’t obvious to me!
This is a brave post — thanks for sharing. I’ve never been overweight so I can’t relate, but I did lose quite a bit when I got fit this summer and I don’t think it’s easy at all! I can’t close the chip bag or not get a second serving =\ it takes a lot of resolve I can’t always drum up. Usually I just try to exercise more to compensate…
Good luck on your journey, looking forward to reading about it!
Thank you!
It is hard to lose weight and even when you’re done, you don’t always see what others see. It’s a terrible mindset. And it’s good to know everyone struggles with resolve. It’s definitely hard. Chips are delicious!
I am sure you are not surprised to hear this, but I can totally relate. It’s precisely why I wear glasses and not contacts…so I can “hide”. I am overweight as well, and I know I *should* do something about it, but when you couple apathy with the whole hiding thing…you get me.
Brave post Jana! XO
Mackenzie recently posted…But Mom, It’s Only 15 Dollars!
#twinpower again.
I’m so glad you get it. Because I think there are lots of women like us. And there shouldn’t be.
What you said is so true, we are our harshest critics and if someone said those things to ourselves we would never forgive them. You are beautiful as you are, hopefully you remind yourself daily until you believe it.
Kerry recently posted…Labor Day, More Like Lazy Day
I don’t know that I’ll ever fully believe it but I can have more days that I do than don’t. That’s the goal!
I am 58 and was chubby years ago when there were mostly skinny kids.
I am 5’2″- the least I have ever weighed was around 110- during a life crisis. The most when I was pregnant. I was counting calories at age 10 and got Oh, you have such a pretty face- while they were thinking, it’s a shame you are overweight. I hover in the high 140’s now. I do not want to watch what I eat and drink, and I do not make myself exercise. I am proportioned and healthy, and thank the universe every day for my assets! But, I need to drop at least 10-15 lbs. Maybe someday. #countingmyblessingsfirst
Love SMD’s Momma
You have such a great attitude towards all of this! We could all learn from you because your mindset is where we all need to be.
thank you for sharing! it was very brave of you to be so honest, and i am positive this has helped someone somewhere that was too afraid to acknowledge how they were feeling. it is horrible that we are our own worst critics but it is so true. and the part about doing it for you is even more true and more important, yes it might be selfish, but if you dont love you, take care of you, make yourself happy – well there is no point in anything else. you are the most important person in your world. because without you, there is no your world.
Kristen recently posted…Shaving Time & Money
If I had to do this for someone else, I don’t know that I could. It’s not the right motivation. I need to change me for me because you are right–I am the most important person in my world.
i love this post. as someone who has also struggled with weight, it was difficult to see beyond it even though i’m a proud person and i love myself, i didn’t like what i saw in the mirror. but it was also more than that; i was starting to *feel* it; the unhealthy side of my fat. that’s when i decided enough was enough and made the change. i never focused on “getting skinny” which what i used to do; vanity was never the reason but it was my future, my ability to live a long life for my family that motivated me and then by the time i realized it, when i actually did look in the mirror for vanity reasons, i had dropped weight.
your weight does not define you; YOU define you.
thanks for linking up!
-kathy
Vodka and Soda
kathy @ vodka and soda recently posted…humpday confessions [9-3]
For me, it’s not so much for vanity reasons as it is for self love reasons. I hate that I let myself get like this and I need to remedy the problem. I will probably never be skinny but I can definitely be healthier and feel better, physically and mentally.
I struggle with image but from more of a “I’m not pretty” and I “feel like I look old” standpoint. I wonder if because I’m not pretty I won’t ever get married and I ain’t getting any younger that’s for sure. Because it’s not a weight thing…that’s the symptom. What’s the hardest to change is what you said, that inner dialog.
OMG , Jana!!!! You are a beautiful girl. I do not know you enough to say inside and out, but I am sure that is true.
Myself and my Stephanie have a good bit of self-esteem.
We are both first born and were doted on as the first grandchildren, too!
Our lives are a journey, that’s for sure.
Goddess Speed.
Love SMD’s Momma just noticed this says I am replying to Tonya
I replied to your email response. Hope you get this!!
You and Steph definitely have good self-esteem. I’m the first born, too, and I am not really sure what happened because my parents were nothing but awesome.
ok! I see what I did! Tonya- you are a beauty and remember
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Shine your light, sister.
Love SMD’s MOMMA
You’re right. It is the symptom. And at least it’s a symptom I can fix.
Um, have you seen you? You are certainly not ugly and you definitely don’t look old. But I know that it doesn’t matter what I say because you have to believe it for yourself. If it helps, if I weren’t married to my husband, and we hadn’t been together so long, I wonder if I’d be married at all.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining an ounce. Not the case anymore… but I still want to eat just as much. :/ Daily. Struggle.
I don’t remember ever having that ability. Sigh.
Never could eat whatever I wanted even as a kid!!! Everyone is different
Just want to say I think it’s awesome that you posted this and were so honest and vulnerable here. I think you hit the nail on the head for a lot of us — we’re absolutely our own worst critics and we think and say things about ourselves we would never tolerate from other people. Hope you find some success in this journey to find your happy and healthy 🙂
alyssa recently posted…Oops, I Did It Again
I think it’s wonderful that you are so open and honest.
You are a beautiful and kind person.
Amber recently posted…Things That Annoy Me Thursday: Going Without My Phone
Eat whatever you want and do exercises