This post is written as part of a project coordinated by Melanie from Dear Debt in honor and respect of National Suicide Prevention Week and World Suicide Prevention Day (tomorrow, 9/10).
My depression has told me a number of lies including but not limited to:
- You are stupid
- You are ugly
- No one likes you
- You are talentless
- You don’t deserve succeess and you will never have it
- You are an asshole
- You have no friends
- You don’t deserve friends
- You are a terrible mother
- You are a terrible wife
- You are a terrible dog and cat mother
- You do too much
- You don’t do enough, you lazy fat bitch
- You are useless
- You will never be happy
- You don’t deserve to be happy
When I’m in the right state of mind, I know these are lies. But when I’m in the thick of a depression cycle, these seem as real as the color of my eyes and it is pretty much impossible to convince me otherwise. The words become truth and mantras and rather than the depression talking, it becomes me talking to myself. As in, “I know I’ll never be successful because I am a talentless hack” or “How can anyone even stand to look at me? I should never leave my house”.
And then there were the times I wish I could disappear.
I’ve talked about this before and you can read the whole post but this specifically bears repeating:
I just wanted to be invisible. I wanted to exist only within the walls of my house. I didn’t want to go to work or socialize or walk my dogs or even leave my couch. I wanted no contact with the outside world because I didn’t feel like I had much to offer anyone. It put a strain on all my relationships and it made me a pretty shitty mother, too. I had surrendered to the depression and let it control my life.
For a long, long time.
I was lucky, though. I never reached the level of despair where I thought death was the only way out. It breaks my heart that so many people can’t come to that conclusion. That they don’t see anything as getting better. Ever. That there is nothing left to live for. Not a song, not a picture, not a sunset, not a person, not an anything. They truly believe that everything is better if they simply cease to exist.
And that is the worst lie depression can ever make you believe. Because it is unequivocally false.
If you are feeling like you literally cannot live anymore, please, PLEASE tell someone. Doesn’t have to be family or a close friend. Tell a random person on the internet. Text a random number. Email me or reach out to me on social media. But just tell someone. Because, despite what lies the depression is telling you right now, your life is important. You are a good person. You have gifts to share. You deserve to be happy. You will find the place where you belong, with people who love you for who you are. I’d even be willing to bet that there are people right now who love you just as you are. You will survive whatever it is you’re going through and you’ll come out even stronger.
Because.
Depression lies.
You are worth life.
If you’re dealing with depression or suicidal thoughts, please know you’re not alone. And it might not seem like it now but it will get better. Maybe with medication, maybe with therapy, maybe with time, maybe with all three. But it will get better. And please, if you need help, reach out to someone. A professional, preferably. Especially if you’re thinking about suicide. You can find help at 1-800-273-8255 or via the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline website: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Very important post. Thanks for sharing some of you and also important info on the lifeline.
LOVE THIS POST. in my darkest times, i believed every.single.lie my depression told me; so much so that i really don’t know where i’d be if i hadn’t walked into my doctor’s office begging for a referral for psychiatric help. ok, even that is a lie – i was forced into going to get help through my family’s intervention…yes, it was THAT bad. life is so precious and after climbing out of that hell hole, i realize that; i realize how amazing and wonderful life is; how fragile it is and how we must take care of ourselves.
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Depression told me lies that made me make some horrible life decisions I to this day, I have to live with… it has more power then people realize.
Its an ugly beast.
I love there is so much attention given to this right now during this month of Suicide Awareness.
Depression is a lying whore and I think there are so many people who struggle with this on their own because they believe the lies they are hearing in their heads and it breaks my heart. I have had down times in my life, but I don’t ever think I was fully depressed. I cant imagine dealing with it for long periods of time and when I see people come out on the other side of it I just want to give them a fucking medal for hanging in there and beating those thoughts away. Sometimes all someone needs is one sentence of kind words from a stranger….or for someone who cares about them to notice that something isn’t right. I am a huge fan of anyone who speaks out about this topic.
Powerful words and post, my friend. Depression is such a skilled liar and dupes everyone, especially the person suffering from it. Even though there was a little voice telling me not to believe, the lies eventually muted that voice. I believed and believed and believed. I absorbed every lie like a sponge. Now I’m trying to undo those lies and it is so damn hard. It seems like every step forward, there is two steps back. But I keep fighting. And part of that fight is being honest and open about what depression is. To let those who feel all alone with the lies and desperate that there are others who understand. Who are willing to listen without judgement or ridicule. Who see you for who you really are and not what the lies have made you believe.
This made me cry. You know why. Well, so many “whys” but you know most of them. Thank you for sharing.
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Your post touches me to my very core. For years I’ve sufferers bouts off and on and earlier this year my mom witnessed me have a melt down and while it broke my heart for her to see, and I still feel a bit of shame, I think it saved my life. She reached out and found a year long out patient program that I’m currently in and have found probably the most beneficial of all the therapy I e had since I started at the age of three. I still have dark days but most are better. But I totally get it, wanting to crawl into a hole, hide and pull back from everything I love and enjoy. Being in the depths it is often hard to see the light or any hope…. But there is, it’s there, you just have to dig real fucking deep and even still, that can be a battle.
I’ve always found reaching out to be beneficial, so for anyone else that’s reading as well, reach out to someone, anyone. Don’t suffer in silence.
Xo
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I have had these very same thoughts! Depression is a powerful liar that can reconstruct your whole reality.
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Thank you so much for writing this. We need to talk about depression more so people don’t feel so isolated. It is more common than we know. I have had periods of these thoughts and while I haven’t been diagnosed, I definitely feel like I’ve experienced depression. Not to the same extent as some, but I feel like I can empathize to a degree.
My father had a friend who was suicidal. He would call my father just about every week, say that he was going to end it all, but Dad would talk him out of it. Then he would call a few days later and say that he was going to turn his life around. It became a regular thing at our house…suicide threats, then a change in plans. One day, he actually did kill himself – shot himself with a nail gun – and he didn’t even call Dad before he did it. I don’t know what to make of this.
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Such an important post and anyone who suffers from depression is lucky to have you as their voice — people don’t always realize how important and brave it is to come forward on issues like this.
I can relate to this on so many levels. And you are so absolutely right, they are all just lies! It takes a few days to come out of one of mine, but thankfully with the right support system I manage much better than I used to when I was younger.
I know you posted this several weeks ago, but I wanted to say that I love and appreciate this so much. I have reached that point at least a few times in my life (including fairly recently). Thankfully I managed to clear my head enough to reach out to someone each time. It’s scary when you reach that point, though. It’s like all reason just disappears and you can’t see beyond the “right now.”
Thank you for posting this.
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