Relationships Archives - Page 2 of 2

Wedding Week: The Engagement

April 23, 2012 by Jana 12 Comments

This week, my husband and I are celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary. Given what’s happened over the last year, the fact that we even made it to this anniversary is a big deal. To celebrate, I’m turning this week into “Wedding Week” here on Daily Money Shot. It’s a 4 part series detailing certain aspects of our engagement and wedding planning. I should note that we did have an expensive wedding and we were fortunate to not have to pay for most of it. I will only be sharing the parts of the wedding planning that we did pay for.

My husband and I do not have a very interesting story of how we met. We met in the fall of 1996 when we were both sophomores in college. Where did we meet? In class. Great Crimes, to be exact. Our professor sat us alphabetically and he wound up next to my roommate. She’s the kind of person who talked to everyone and soon we learned that he lived in our apartment building. So, she invited him to be our new BFF (mainly because she had a crush on him. Yes, I know. I’m terrible) and 3 months later, we were dating. End of story.

If you’ve done even a quick bit of math, you’ll realize that we started dating in 1996 and didn’t get married until 2004. Believe me, that was a sore point for me, too. In fact, in late 2002, around our 6 year anniversary (and, I should note here that we were living together at this point), I started to kind of freak out that we were not even close to being engaged. Which led to a GIGANTIC fight where he promised that by the end of the year, we would be engaged. Case closed.

But not really.

You see, by the time New Year’s Eve 2002 had come and gone, we were still not engaged. I let it go that night but the next day? I. Was. Pissed. I believe we had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: What the fuck?! You don’t promise someone that you’re going to get engaged and then not propose. You don’t get someone’s hopes up like that and then not follow through. You’re an asshole. I can’t fucking believe you did that!!! (Did I mention that I curse a lot when I’m angry?)

Him: Aren’t you going to go get lunch?

Me: WHAT??? You have nothing else to say? You’re a dick. (Pause). Aren’t you at least going to come with me? (My thinking was that I could continue my diatribe in the car).

Him: You really need to learn to do things on your own. (Note: He claims he said this to get me out of the house since he was running out of time on the chicken costume rental. I claim he said it to be an asshole.)

Me: FUCK. YOU.

And then I left to go get lunch. Mainly because I was hungry and way too angry to stay in the apartment. About 15 minutes later I came back home with lunch in hand and guess what? The jerk had locked the apartment and I had to stand outside, in the rain, fishing around for my keys while he got stay all nice and dry and smug inside the apartment. I was completely prepared to lose my mind on him but then, when I opened the door, I was stunned into silence.

The apartment was completely covered in lit candles and there he was before me…in a chicken costume, holding a series of signs with the last one that read “Will you marry me? Cluck, cluck”.

Yes, that’s right. I was proposed to by a 6″1′ chicken. And I’m pretty sure that I’m the only person to ever receive the words “cluck, cluck” in a marriage proposal. And I’m pretty sure I’m the only person to actually say yes to a proposal from Big Bird’s evil twin.

Of course, the only camera we had at the time broke as I was taking the picture of him. This probably should have been some sort of sign.

For the record, I did make him take off the head and actually say the words; being proposed to by a sign was just a little too…unorthodox (because, you know, a chicken suit is totally traditional). Also, he did not propose with a ring. For the three weeks after he proposed until I got my ring, almost no one believed me that I was engaged.

So, for those of you unsure that your proposal isn’t romantic or proposing is too expensive, rest assured that it is not. Of all the ostentatious proposals I’m aware of, mine was certainly the most unique and probably the cheapest. And that didn’t diminish its meaning one iota.

(Oh, and the reason behind the chicken suit? Let’s just say that I used some pretty colorful language during our argument 2 months prior and this was the least offensive costume he could find in relation to that.)

My financial horror

April 13, 2012 by Jana 22 Comments

In case you haven’t noticed, today is Friday the 13th. It’s not a day that bothers me because, some years, my daughter’s birthday will fall on Friday the 13th and I will never be afraid of celebrating the best day of my life. I think it’s weird that some people are afraid of the day yet others celebrate it with horror movies. Not me. I don’t watch horror movies. I’ve never seen any Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Saw or any other horror movies (well, I’ve seen whichever version of Halloween had LL Cool J. And the first Scream. And that’s it.) But that doesn’t stop me from imagining horror. A different kind of horror.

A financial horror.

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to think of the most horrible financial event that could occur in my life. One that would wreck me on every level. I want to say that there’s nothing so financially awful that I couldn’t recover from it but there is one thing. And it’s so awful it makes me shudder to think about it. What is it?

Moving back in with my parents.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my parents. I really do. But there is no possible way I could ever live with them ever again. We have completely different styles of…pretty much everything (which makes for some interesting family visits). Without going into too much detail (because I can’t. Long story as to why), let’s just say it would get really ugly really quickly. It would be living in my own horror movie that I could not escape from. Like The Shining mixed with Hostel mixed with Amityville Horror (you know, because it’s on Long Island and so are my parents). Except worse. And it wouldn’t be much better for them.

So there you have it. The one financial thing that would make me cower in a corner, praying for a safe room.

What’s your biggest financial horror?

Married people need side hustles too

March 2, 2012 by Jana 17 Comments

(Before reading the post, read the title again but this time, sing it to Samantha Fox’s “Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)”. Makes it better, right?)

The Single Saver recently wrote a post that discussed why single people need a side hustle. I totally agree with her. Having that extra income does make numerous situations facing single people significantly easier. But I need to add that married people need a side hustle, too.

As one half of a married couple, I’m the first one to admit that married people, overall, have an easier time financially. If both partners are employed, that’s double the income which means more money to cover the bills that single people generally have to absorb on their own. And, if the couple can manage to avoid the lifestyle creep that tends to happen with increased income, it is possible for a family to live on one income and save the other (this hasn’t happened in my house but from what I understand, it can happen). These certainly give a married couple a significant benefit over a single person.

However, married couples do face similar challenges of single people. Married couples still need to pay bills and eat and save. We still need to pay a mortgage or rent. We still have pets and kids to take care of (well, some of us do). But even more than that, having side hustles helps married couples in a number of ways:

Debt repayment. Two people sometimes means double the debt, either individual debt that’s brought into a relationship or debt that was accumulated together. In my relationship, we had both. We each entered the marriage with our own debt and then accumulated even more together. The fact that both of us had part-time jobs enabled us to pay down our individual and collective debt that much faster.
Disposable income. At the beginning of our marriage, and for many years afterwards, we had very little income to go around. Almost everything we earned went straight to our debt repayment as well as our normal monthly bills. Every once and while, we’d work an odd job that we designated as our fun money. We’d use it to treat ourselves to a movie or to dinner. Now that we’re pretty much consumer debt free, it’s nice to have that extra income to put towards savings or retirement.
Income insurance. Not in the sense of car insurance or homeowner’s insurance but insurance in the event that one person loses his (or her) full-time job for whatever reason (layoff, medical reason, injury). For instance, if my husband were to lose his job, he still has his part-time job that provides a decent amount of income. The additional income that he brings in would soften the blow of losing his full-time income.
Death. Spouses die. It’s a fact. If a spouse dies, expectedly or unexpectedly, the financial consequences can be damaging (this is also why life insurance is so important and I’m yet again reminded that I really need to get some) especially if the spouse that dies is the higher income earner. That extra income can help offset the financial stress.
Relationship problems. Speaking from experience, spouses cheat. There is nothing worse than the feeling that you can’t leave a relationship that you are unhappy with because you can’t afford it. By having a side hustle, or part-time job, it’s possible to build up a savings account or have the extra income necessary to leave. I don’t necessarily advocate this as an option but sometimes, a relationship cannot be salvaged. Having the financial means to terminate the relationship provides necessary peace of mind.

As The Single Saver points out, side hustles and part-time income are not intended to replace full-time income; they are merely a supplement. But sometimes that supplemental income can provide a vital lifeline in extenuating, and not so extenuating, circumstances.

Readers: If you’re married or in a relationship, what do you think of having a side hustle or part-time job? Do you have one? How do you use the money?

Concurrent planning for your finances

October 28, 2011 by Jana 11 Comments

In child welfare, there is something called concurrent planning. It’s part of the Foster Care Independence Act, and it mandates that workers plan for both reunification and adoption of a child in foster care. In other words, the worker is mandated, by law, to make arrangements for the child to go back home to his parents or to have the child permanently removed from the home. It’s a kind of CYA method of planning but it’s still important because children’s lives are at stake.

When you’re in the midst of a separation, like I am, it is imperative that you have concurrent planning for your finances–as a single person and as a married person. You need to know where your money will go in each circumstance and it is important to CYA for a few reasons:

You need to know if you can support yourself and any dependents
If you can’t support yourself without your spouse’s income, it gives you the opportunity to figure out how to generate more income or cut expenses
You need to decide if it’s a good time to make large joint purchases (it’s not but each person must decide that for him/herself)
It’s essential to prepare for future expenses such as college/private school, retirement, vacations–anything that will cost a good deal of money–so you know roughly how much you’ll personally be responsible for
You can adjust your savings and debt payoff goals as necessary

Should my husband and I remain married (we are in intensive counseling. I figure there’s no harm in it, especially if the only thing that comes out of it is learning effective communication skills for our daughter’s sake), I know exactly how my finances will look. I know exactly how much money I will contribute to household expenses, child expenses, retirement, debt repayment, and, if I’m lucky, I’ll be able to cut my hours back at work to pursue my crazy dream of writing full-time. I’ll still have health insurance that, until next July at least, is free (then it goes up to $25/month. I know. I’m very fortunate). I know how much money I’ll have for other expenses like my pets, clothes, groceries, gas, etc because our budget will stay exactly how it is now. My household financial situation will not change because my marital status will stay the same. Knowing that I’m financially secure and stable is comforting. The plan? Maintain status quo.

However, I also need to plan for supporting myself. Although I’m getting a very small raise on January 1, should I get divorced, my taxes will change. My health insurance will no longer be free (it’s a benefit only for married couples who are both state workers). My dental and vision insurance contributions will change to just me and my daughter. All of these will affect my take home pay. I’ve made sure to run some rough estimates so I can formulate a budget based on that number. I now know roughly how much I’ll be able to pay for the major expenses–housing, transportation, utilities–and how much I’ll be able to afford for the other necessities as well as savings and retirement. The husband and I have discussed how we’ll split the profit on the sale of the house as well as who would assume which car payment. We haven’t yet discussed schooling and child care but we know we need to. Having these numbers has allowed me the comfort of knowing what I can and can’t afford, as well as knowing where I need to make adjustments. I have not taken into account any child support or part-time income. I want to know what I can afford on my full-time salary only. The plan? Do it by myself.

I do believe that when you’re in a situation like I am, it’s good to practice your financial independence. Try living on just your own income (even if this means you split bills, a la a roommate agreement. But not like Sheldon’s. A normal person roommate agreement). A monkey wrench gets thrown into the plans if you’re in my situation–still married financially. In every sense of the word. As it stands now, my husband and I still manage our finances together (well, as together as we can. Day to day finances are my job). Both of our names are still on all joint purchases (mortgage, cars) and our paychecks are deposited into our joint account each payday. We still have a joint debt payoff plan (since we incurred the debt together). We still discuss major purchases and are planning on how we can afford to send our daughter to private school should she not win the charter school lottery (our public schools are horrible. Seriously–we live in the documented worst district in the state). We still have a joint budget. It’s hard to exert financial independence when you’re tethered to someone else.

But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. We operate on a his, hers, and ours banking system so there are certain things I’m trying to afford on my own (like my vacation in the spring). If you don’t have your own bank account, open one. Get your own credit card. Make a list of all your joint expenses and research what it takes to get your name off of some of them. Create a loose budget based on your current and potential income. (For some great single parent money tips, check out So Over Debt’s Single Mom Budget Series. It’s chock full o’ information)

It’s scary to think about supporting yourself. Believe me, I know. I’ve been sharing finances with the same person for over 11 years. I never thought I’d have to consider this aspect of my life. But knowing where I stand financially is important. It not only lets me know where I’m succeeding and where I’m deficient, but it makes me think critically about my future goals and plans financially and professionally.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen with my marriage but I know that I’ll be able to take care of myself and my child regardless of which path I choose. Concurrent planning made that possible.

If you’ve been in a similar situation, did you use concurrent planning? If you found yourself in a similar situation, is this something you would do?

The questions you never want to ask

October 7, 2011 by Jana 10 Comments

This is the first post is an ongoing series about how to handle financial matters in a relationship that is close to, or has gone over, the edge.

Recently, I have been having lengthy conversations with a friend of mine about her marriage. She is unhappy, her husband treats her like dirt, she has to deal with her stepdaughter’s mom (with whom she has a very contentious relationship), and they are mired in financial difficulties. In addition to the stepdaughter, they have 2 boys and she cannot afford to support them on her own. While she still loves her husband and wants him to change, he refuses to take any action to work on himself or his marriage. In the meantime, my friend is getting more and more depressed and angrier and angrier. Needless to say, this is not a healthy situation for anyone involved. On more than one occasion she’s mentioned separation and/or divorce.

Last week our discussions turned to the idea of having a financial escape plan. In other words, we talked about how she should be starting to set herself up financially in case their marriage keeps getting worse and she can’t take it anymore. I am not an advocate of making rash decisions especially when money and children are involved so I encouraged her to ask herself the following questions:

What is my net income each month? How would it change once I change my marital status?
What is the cost of my insurance for just me and my sons?
What will my expenses be? Who will pay for child care?
How much rent/mortgage can I afford? How much do I need to save before I can move out of the house? How soon can we sell the house? Will he let me buy him out?
Is there anything I can do to increase my monthly income? Where would I need to cut?
How should we split our joint savings? How much is in my individual account?
Should I get a credit card with just my name on it?

I suggested that after she had answers to those questions that she take the the following steps:

Establish an amount of money to save
Set a target date for having that money saved.
Research apartment rates and house prices in her school district.
Gather information on how much a divorce would cost (court fees, lawyer, paperwork, parenting classes, etc).
Write out a budget on her full-time income only.
Figure out what skills she has that would allow her to earn extra money.

I ended the conversation by letting her know that no matter what she decides, she needs to do what’s best for her and her boys whether that’s ending her marriage or keeping after her husband to attend counseling to improve their marriage. She seemed a bit dazed with all that she needs to think about but she seemed focused at the same time. I was proud of her for even having the conversation; she is uncomfortable thinking logically and critically about money.

For the record, I despised having this conversation with my friend because this is an awful plan to put together and no one should ever need to think about it. Believe me, I never thought that I did. You see, 7 weeks ago, I found out that my husband cheated on me. It was a huge, crushing blow to every aspect of my life. And quite frankly? I feel like shit. Whoever said time heals all wounds obviously never had the person she trusted more than anyone in the world sleep with someone else and then lie about it. Hard as I try, I will never understand what possessed him to choose to do this. He took every insecurity that I have and exploited it for some girl whose name he claims he can’t even remember. Infidelity is quite possibly the most horrible thing one partner can do to another and as a result of this, I am left feeling duped, worthless, unattractive and stupid. I am left feeling as though nothing I have to offer is of any value. These are not good qualities to have when you’re trying to decide how to proceed with your finances and your marriage. So I did the best I could do. I took a deep breath and took a step back.

Setting aside my feelings in the aftermath, I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent what he did. But what happens afterwards is totally in my control. After I found out, and the blind rage subsided long enough for me to form a rational thought, one of the first things I did was figure out what I needed to do financially (I also employed strategies outlined in the Guide to Financially Surviving Infidelity). Once I realized that I was not financially stuck, it was easier to make some other decisions. Knowing that I was not forced to stay with someone for financial reasons was liberating. Money shouldn’t control the decision to remain married or not but having a handle on the reality of my finances afforded me more choices.

I understand that no one enters into marriage with the intent to leave that marriage. Unfortunately, things happen. I’m all for working on your marriage and not immediately jumping into divorce. But if things are irreparable, having a plan doesn’t hurt.

Note: I appreciate any and all comments. However, if you are going to comment on this post, please make sure that you are respectful and not attacking, even if you disagree with me or another commenter. I will remove any comments of that nature.

Wedding Week: The Engagement

My financial horror

Married people need side hustles too

Concurrent planning for your finances

The questions you never want to ask

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