My husband and I rarely fight about money. I swear that’s entirely true.

It used to not be this way. We used to have pretty severe battles over it. You know those fights? The ones where you start trying to rationally talk about money until one of you says something that makes the other angry and the conversation spirals out of control until you’re not fighting about money anymore but something completely unrelated and you can’t stop screaming? Yeah, we’ve had one or two of those. They occurred primarily because we just were not on the same page about a) how we balanced our checkbook; b) what our goals were; and c) we had absolutely no wiggle room at all. The last one was mainly due to poor planning. The rest were simply due to the fact that we operate in completely different ways (and I must point out, my way is logical. His is not. I swear that’s entirely true).

Then I couldn’t take it anymore. I was tired of fighting. Tired of being confused, frustrated and broke. We had to get in same book, never mind the same page. So, one day, using my rules for a peaceful budget meeting, we sat down and figured things out. Here’s what we did:

• I showed him how much money we were wasting on small $3 and $4 purchases. One month, it added up to over $300 or so. It was disturbing, actually. He finally got the point that small purchases make big differences and agreed to stop making them if…
• …I agreed to figure out how to give us each an “allowance” every payday. Part of why he was spending that money was because he didn’t feel like he had any freedom in our money. He also felt that since we work our asses off, we deserve a little bit of it. I told him I understood and conceded that perhaps an allowance of some sorts every payday wouldn’t hurt.
• We set goals and target dates (or rough estimates of target dates) for paying off our debt. We also agreed on a plan for paying off our debt. One that we formulated together, not one of us dictating to the other how it would get done. Having mutually agreed upon goals and dates prevented both of us from feeling that we had no control.
• We agreed that I would be completely responsible for handling our day to day expenses and he was responsible for more long-term stuff like investing (since I don’t understand it at all). Neither one would make unilateral decisions but the bulk of the heavy lifting in each area was designated to one person.
• We developed a budget. It wasn’t perfect but it was a start. And it was better than the abstract nonsense we had been using prior.
• We decided that having a his, hers and ours system was going to be best for us. We had a joint account that was used for everything but my husband felt like he was being lorded over and I was tired of asking him for receipts (remember how I said we had totally different styles? Well, mine involves balancing my account whenever I make a purchase or withdrawal and his involves doing what he wants and hoping for the best). Neither one of us had ever let our individual accounts close but we decided that our allowances would be deposited into our personal accounts and that would be our no questions asked money. Whatever we wanted to do with the money in our individual accounts was just fine.

 
I think the last point is what really prevents the arguments. We know that our joint bills and expenses are met and the fact that we each have some cash to use how we want gives us that feeling of freedom and independence. It’s nice to buy nail polish or books or lunch with friends without having to be accountable or feel like I’m wasting our money. I know he feels the same way.

Working together is a huge relief. There are no surprises in our budget or our expenses; everything is open and up for discussion. We’re meeting our goals. We don’t hide money or purchases from each other, and there’s never any lying about paychecks (I know people who lie to their spouses about how much money they make. I find this disturbing on so many levels). It nice to know that when it comes to financial matters, the arguments we do have are few and far between. And never involve tangential craziness.

Most of the time…

There is one topic I hate talking about more than any other. This topic, although extremely influential in shaping my attitudes and beliefs towards money, is one that makes me squeamish and uncomfortable. I’m not necessarily embarrassed by it, because it’s not something that I could have prevented (or caused) but it’s not something I wave a banner about. What the heck am I talking about?

I’m talking about my childhood.

After almost 10 months of blogging about personal finance, I’ve successfully managed to avoid talking in depth about my childhood. I’ve offered glimpses of it (see here and here for examples) but I haven’t gone into too much detail. On purpose. Because unlike a lot of personal finance bloggers, I did not grow up lower middle class or poor. My upbringing was quite the opposite. It was decidedly upper middle class, with all the trappings that go with it.  I’m not saying this to brag or show off; I’m merely stating this because, as Ashley from Money Talks Coaching points out, your childhood affects your money habits. And she’s absolutely right.

A little background

I grew up in a predominately upper middle class suburb on Long Island.  I had friends that lived in million dollar homes and my parents’ house, although no mansion, wasn’t small. My siblings and I had our own bedrooms and we had a pool in our backyard, which was pretty damn big for the suburbs. I had one of those lavish bat mitzvahs you read about (because that’s what everyone else did).  Family vacations to Aruba happened every year, as did sending my siblings and me to camp. [Read more…]