You may have seen this listing: Scenic, South Dakota

That’s right. The whole town is for sale. For just under $800K. That’s less than the cost of a lot of houses. It’s less than the cost of paying Derek Jeter for a year. Heck, it’s less than the amount inherited from cousin Bertha! But is the town worth it? Would you buy it?

In a dream world, I would. Who wouldn’t want to own her own town? Just the thought of owning my own town makes me giddy with anticipation for what I would do with it. Bear with me for a few minutes as I indulge my imagination (and bottomless wallet).

Priority #1: Hire a good contractor to do the work. I have a neighbor/friend who not only is a contractor but his partner is an architect. I’m pretty sure I’d get a good rate, and I’ve seen his work first hand, so he’s at the top of my list to do the work.

Priority #2: Now that I’ve got the contractor and architect in place, it’s time to start attracting businesses. Since the town is only 46 acres, I’m not looking for big box stores. I want mom and pop shops. I want a small, independent book store. I want an ice cream shop. I want a hardware store a la Teen Wolf (the good, Michael J. Fox version, not the crappy MTV show). I want a diner that also serves vegetarian fare, grocery store, a clothing store and a gas station (fortunately, the bones for a grocery store and gas station are already there). There will also be a coffee/gourmet hot chocolate shop that boasts free wireless Internet; sort of like a Starbucks but again, a mom and pop shop. And I want to restore the local saloon and dancehall.

Priority #3: The restoration of the saloon and the dancehall. I think this could be the centerpiece of the town. Not just as a bar, but as a place for entertainment for the whole town. We’re talking concerts, movies, speakers, book fairs, pictures with Santa and the Easter bunny, charity events…pretty much one central place to hold these events.

Priority #4: Hire a great advertising/public relations firm for a huge advertising campaign. Since the town is on the way to Badlands National Park and Pine Ridge Indian Reservation, it’s sure to draw some attention with the right marketing strategy. The fact that town was owned by a rodeo legend (from what I’ve read) can definitely be a key element in this strategy. Sort of like what Lightening McQueen did for Radiator Springs.

Priority #5: Get the town on the public transportation line. Make it easier for people to get there from other locations. This is how the town will maintain an influx of visitors beyond those who are passing through on the way to other locations. Also, there will be free parking for those who chose to drive.

Priority #6: Hire a competent, qualified town manager. The town will collapse without proper management. Once it’s up and running, I want someone to oversee the day-to-day affairs of the town, work with the shop owners, visitors, public officials and anyone else involved with the town. Other hires, most likely on a part-time basis: a web designer for the town’s website, a blogger to keep the website flush with fresh information, and one law enforcement officer. Maybe two. I want to at least give the illusion of order.

Priority #7: Rename the town Janatown. This one is still up for debate.

So that would be my strategy should I purchase Scenic, SD. What would you do?

Sandy @ Yes, I Am Cheap has posed the question: What would you do if you inherited $1M from your cousin Bertha, a cousin who you haven’t seen since you were a baby?

The first thing I’d do is wonder why on earth this woman I haven’t seen in 34 years has left me $1M. Then, I’d call my parents to find out how I’m related to Bertha and if she’s legit and not something akin to the Nigerian prince schemes. Once I find out that she’s kosher (and a relative), then I start making a plan for the money. Here’s what my plan looks like:

1. Hire an attorney. I’m not exactly sure why but I remember reading somewhere that if you win and/or inherit a large sum of money, you should hire a lawyer. So I’d do that.
2. Pay my taxes. I’m not cut out for jail and I don’t want to go, even if it’s good enough for Wesley Snipes and Martha Stewart. I like not having a criminal record.
3. Set aside money for retirement and my daughter’s college education. This is because I need to be responsible. $1M, while a lot of money, is not enough for us to retire on. Both my husband and I would need to continue to work but we could work a little easier knowing that our sad little retirement accounts and our daughter’s pathetic 529 have sufficient funding.
4. Pay off our house, car, and my husband’s student loans. These are our remaining debts and I’m tired of them. So I’d pay them off.
5. Donate some. There are several charities that I know could benefit from donations, so I’d give about $25K (each) to 4 different charities. I’d handpick them, and I wouldn’t make them compete for the money a la trashy reality shows. I’d just fork it over. ‘Cause I’m awesome like that.
6. Be completely irresponsible. For one month. Lest you think I’d go all Brewster’s Millions, I wouldn’t. I’d buy clothes that fit properly for both my husband and I, outfit my daughter for the upcoming year, book my dream vacations, put aside money for my dream kitchen and buy Mets season tickets. And I go spend a weekend getting spa treatments.

(See, Dave Ramsey? Even in a hypothetical scenario, I still follow the spend, save, give mentality. It is at this point I kindly ask you to extract yourself from my head)

While I think that the Barenaked Ladies had an admirable plan, what with their macaroni and cheese and monkeys and green dresses and Elephant Man bones, I like my plan better. But I may buy some mac and cheese anyway.