Life Archives - Page 93 of 96

So about that time I was almost homeless

August 28, 2013 by Jana 9 Comments

If you are a fan of Jana Says on Facebook, you know that for the last few weeks I’ve been in the process of moving. We sold our house, bought a new one, and moved into the new one at the end of last week.

house_move — Exact depiction of our situation. They took the house, too.

Except I wish it had been that simple. Over the last 8 weeks, my husband and I encountered every problem possible when buying and selling a house. You already know about the lying liars who lied. That was just the beginning of our problems. I won’t go into all of what happened because there are some of you reading who might want to buy a house someday and I don’t want to scare you out of it. If done properly, it’s a relatively easy procedure. But that’s not how the husband and I roll so of course it had to be as difficult for us as possible.

And it all came to a head last Friday.

We had planned to settle on both our townhouse and our new home on the same day, Friday. Due to some…problems that had nothing to do with us, we found out at 10:00 AM on Friday that we would not, in fact, be settling on our new home at 2:00 PM as scheduled. We were, however, still settling on our townhouse at noon, effectively making us homeless.

I had never been so scared in my entire life. Here we were, people who follow all the rules, pay all our bills on time (early, even!), submit all required paperwork when requested and we weren’t going to have a place to live. I joked for weeks that I’d be living in a cardboard box behind a McDonald’s (you know, because of the free wifi) but on Friday morning, the joke was quickly becoming a reality.

And this was the complete opposite of funny.

What really freaked me out, besides the fact that I HAD NO PLACE TO LIVE, was the fact that this was happening approximately 3 days before my child was starting school. In a new place. With all new people. And she’s terrible with change. The very least we could do for her was have a house to move into.

Clearly no one else thought of, or cared about, that.

I finally broke down. After all that we’d been through during the home buying/selling procedure, I’d kept it together. But getting that phone call was my complete undoing. Already emotional from leaving our house of 9 years, the one that we brought our daughter home to, the one where we started our marriage, I now had to contend with having no where to go. With no clear time frame of how long our impending homelessness would last. So I wept. A lot.

Sensing the urgency and direness of the situation, my very generous parents and in-laws offered to pay for us to stay in a hotel (I should note here that if you do not have an emergency fund, get one immediately. I don’t know what would have happened to us financially if we did not have that emergency fund in place) and while at least a hotel offered shelter, the thought of sending my child to school from a hotel made me feel like a terrible parent. Like I had somehow failed her. Like I was deficient as a parent.

And that made me think about the parents all over the country who are living in hotels. I don’t know why they’re there. It could be for reasons like ours. It could be because they lost their house and this was the only place to go. It could be because they don’t want to be tied down to any one place. It could be for reasons I’m not thinking of. Maybe they’re happy living there. But my guess is that they’re not.

Any parent with even a small amount of concern for her child’s well being doesn’t want her living in that type of unstable environment. Parents want their kids to have the sense of stability that a home brings (in this situation, “home” does not necessarily mean “house”. It can be trailer, apartment or house. “Home” also does not imply ownership; a home can be a rental as well). They want their kids to feel safe and secure. You can’t get that in a hotel, long term, even if you try to jazz the place up to feel more “homey”. You get that from an actual home.

In a hotel, you can’t provide the meals that your kid needs to thrive in school. It’s hard to get them a bus to and from school, and maybe driving them isn’t an option. In a hotel, there are noises and distractions that prevent a good night’s sleep, which also help kids succeed in school. There’s no privacy. There’s no space. There’s nothing except shelter.

Shelter, which includes running water, electricity, beds, and a roof, are, of course, of primary importance. But don’t we all deserve more than that? Don’t we all deserve a home? Don’t all kids deserve that feeling of having somewhere safe to retreat to at the end of the day?

I think they do. So do adults. (Note: I’m not going to launch into a soapbox tirade about safe, affordable housing and/or the causes of homelessness here. I’d like to but then this post would run on for 8000 words).

End rant.

Fortunately for my family, things ended positively. Without going into specifics because I don’t know that I’m allowed to discuss them, we were able to (legally) get into the house on Friday. My daughter had her own bed to sleep in before school started, I was able to pack her lunch, give her a good breakfast and take her to school. But what happened for us doesn’t always happen. We were luckier than most. I know that.

After our experience, I’ll probably think a little differently when I hear about a family living in a less than desirable situation, like in a hotel or with relatives. I might not assume certain things as quickly and I certainly won’t judge them. Because we were almost that family. And I know how I would have wanted to be treated. And they deserve the same.

5 things I wish moms of more than one child would stop saying

August 27, 2013 by Jana 15 Comments

There’s a new sport in which I have unwillingly been participating in for the last 6 years. It’s dirty, it’s mean, and it makes rugby look like a leisurely Sunday stroll. No matter how hard I try, I’m stuck playing for pretty much the rest of my life.

The sport? Competitive parenting. And I can stand it.

Even if you’re not a parent, you probably know some parents and you know what I’m talking about. The conversations you overhear probably go something like this:

Parent A: “Little Madison was such an easy baby. She started sleeping through the night at 3 months old and could feed herself by the time she was 8 months.”

Parent B: “Really? That’s wonderful. My Ryan was sleeping through the night at 2 weeks, could feed himself at 5 months, and was potty trained at 10 months!”

Parent A: “Yeah, we had some trouble potty training but Madison could read War and Peace by the time she was 2 AND wrote and published a novel at 4.”

It goes on and on and on. It’s painful and unnecessary and I hate it. Yet there are times I feel compelled–against my anti-competition nature–to participate. Then I feel shamed that I even bothered because I understand that my kid does things at her own pace and makes her own progress, and getting her to compete with the progress of others is unfair to do to her (even if she doesn’t know it). I didn’t have a child to win some race or medal.

However.

Some parents clearly use their kids to fulfill some deficiency in their childhood or as a way to feel superior to other parents. It’s sickening, actually. And it extends to everything–academic, social, developmental, and achievement (you know, the “my kids are all-stars in every sport and Eloise is a piano prodigy and Morgan is an accomplished artist” type stuff ) based competitions. It doesn’t stop there. It even extends to moms competing with each other over the NUMBER of kids they have. There seems to be an overall attitude that the more kids you have, you are automatically a better mother. And after working in social services for 10 years, I call bullshit on that. Quantity does not automatically trump quality.

So there’s that.

Competing over the number of kids we have makes me want to tear my hair out because really, who gives a fuck? Yes, mom on the cheer field or soccer field or at the gym or wherever I run into you, you have more kids than I do. I’m happy for you. I really am. You’re a very lucky, blessed woman. But the fact that I only have one does not make me any less lucky or blessed than you. And when you say these things to me, it makes me want to punch you right in the face:

“You’re smart that you only have one.” I really don’t know how my intelligence is any reflection of my reproductive choices. Quite frankly, you don’t know the reasons I have one child and I can assure you, none of them have anything to do with whether or not I’m smart. But if you’re asking and putting me on the spot and making me uncomfortable, maybe I’ll make you uncomfortable and tell you that I have secondary infertility and cannot, in fact, have more children. And even if I had one child by choice, that’s my business and you have zero right to comment on it. Imagine if I told you that having 3 or 4 kids made you stupid. You’d be pissed, right? Same concept.

“Now try doing (fill in the blank) with 3 kids”. I’m sorry, what?! Yes, I acknowledge that not having to split my time between different schools, homework, bedtimes, and activities is easier on my schedule. However, having one kid does not mean that getting places on time, getting homework done, paying for activities or anything else is any easier. I still work. My husband works full-time and part-time. We have no family around to help us when we both have to be somewhere work related and the child needs to be somewhere else while you might have an aunt or uncle to drive your kids in that situation. We don’t get a date night without paying a fortune in a babysitter while you might have grandparents around to provide free babysitting. Certain circumstances don’t change based on the number of kids and guess what, mom of 3? You might just have it easier sometimes.

“She must be so spoiled because she’s an only child”. Fuck you for even thinking that. Having one child may mean that we might have a little more discretionary money to spend on her but you don’t know my financial situation so why even say that? Assuming my child is spoiled is just wrong and also kind of rude. And mean. Because I can assure you that my only child is way less spoiled than a number of children with multiple siblings.

“What do you do all day when she’s in school?” Work. I work. Having one school aged child does not mean I am exempt from all of life’s necessities like money, laundry, cooking, cleaning, or the dozens of other agenda items that need to get ticked off every. Single. Day. Life still goes on even with one child. And what if I homeschooled? Would you still say that to me? No? Then don’t say it now.

And lastly, the nonverbal look of pity because I only have one child. Pay close attention. I am perfectly happy with the way my chips have fallen. This is the way life has turned out for me and I wouldn’t change anything. I don’t need your pity. So take it on down the road.

I can see how, on the surface, life with an only child might seem easier to a mom with more than one. And maybe in some situations it is. But the bottom line is that we’re all mothers. So let’s stop competing and start supporting each other.

P.S. Whether you have one kid or 14, it is NEVER okay for one mom to tell another that having a c-section means that she did not “have” her child.

A few words on transparency

August 16, 2013 by Jana 5 Comments

>>>Steps on soapbox

Earlier in the year, when I was attempting to get a blog consulting business off the ground, I entered into a contract with a gentleman who was at the very beginning stages of building a blog. After some conversation, I figured I could help him, he figured I could help him, and he paid me for a few months of work up front. Everyone was happy.

The contract ended and we informally kept in touch, mainly due to some side projects this gentleman was working on. He wanted to bring me on board for a very large scale project, one that I was extremely excited for because of both the scope of work and, yes, the potential paycheck. And, despite the fact that details were fuzzy and progress was slow, I maintained enthusiasm for project. I couldn’t wait to get started.

And then.

I was fired. Before I was even officially hired.

Why?

According to this gentleman, I am not transparent enough. Which is not something I have ever claimed or even attempted to be. There are certain parts of my financial and personal life–and this was true, even when I had a purely personal finance site–that I never shared (and never will share). That was a conscious decision, made out of a number reasons, including a respect for my husband’s wishes and the fact that too much transparency can wind up hurting rather than helping.

I don’t know where the expectation for complete and total transparency happened. As bloggers, we do share a certain amount of information. That’s our choice. But to expect that we share everything is asinine. There is no law or rule that states we are required to put each intimate detail of our lives online or in our blog. It’s our content, our rules, our lives. We get to decide what to do with it and how much of it to share. And where, with whom, and in what context that information is shared.

To tell us otherwise is ridiculous. No one has any right to dictate or bully us into divulging any more than we are comfortable with. There are reasons that people don’t share everything, and guess what? We don’t have to share those reasons either. If someone says “I’m not comfortable sharing that”, then their choice deserves respect. You can choose to move on to another person who will be more transparent if that’s what you like to read. That’s fine. We understand. But if you’re going to continue to read our sites, then you need to behave, act like a grown up, and show some respect for our decision not to share every intimate detail.

However.

Bloggers have to take ownership of the situation, too. If we choose to make any part of our lives available for public consumption then we must be prepared for readers to criticize, disagree, or dislike those choices. We need to be prepared for people wanting or insisting on having more. Hell, we even need to be prepared for virtual strangers to dislike us as people. And we need to let them. Because while they might not have the right to force us share, we can’t stop them from trying. It’s how all of this works. Announcing your life to the world–and in part, that’s what blogging is–opens us up to that. If you can’t handle it, don’t blog in a public manner. It’s not for the thin skinned and easily offended.

Also, bloggers, if you choose to be transparent in every way possible, please consider the effects on your:

Personal life, particularly family and friends. Speaking from experience, you can unintentionally hurt people you care about even if what you write has the best intentions.
Job, and everything that goes with it including promotion potential, earning potential, raises and the like. There have been people who have been fired as a result of what they write on their blogs.
Legal issues. I couldn’t think of another way to describe this. But if you have anything like pending mortgage information, child support, or other income based proceedings happening, full transparency can hurt you.

If you think, even for a second, that something you say can harm you, your career, your family, or whatever in any way, don’t use it in a post. And if you do, accept the consequences. Don’t place all the blame on the reader. You put it out there. Deal with what happens. Even if you don’t like it.

That said, if you’re okay with the consequences, share away. Disclose everything if you choose. You have mad respect from me for doing it. But I won’t be jumping on that train. I still need to keep some cards close to my chest.

>>>Steps off soapbox

P.S. For those wondering, I don’t mind that I lost the job. Yes, I was pissed at the time but compromising my standards and my promises wasn’t going to happen. It makes me sad that this gentleman couldn’t understand that but I wish him luck in finding someone who gives him what he needs. I hope his project goes well. I hope it succeeds. And I also hope he realizes that, just as we don’t accept bullying on the playground, we don’t accept bullying in the workplace either.

Jana’s rules for Zumba

August 7, 2013 by Jana 5 Comments

It’s not a secret around here that if I’m going to exercise, it’s most likely going to take the shape of Zumba. It’s my preferred method of working out for a variety of reasons (the least of which is that it doesn’t bore me to tears) and it’s the only one I haven’t quit on in a few months time. And after over a year of doing it at least 3 times per week, I’ve noticed some things (of course I have. It’s what I do).

And because I’m amazingly helpful, I’ve assembled all I’ve noticed into a helpful list of rules so that if (and when) you decide to try it, you know how to act accordingly (oh, men? This goes for you, too. There are men who take Zumba and they look totally fine doing it. Plus, if you’re single, it’s a great way to meet women. Automatic conversation starter! See how helpful I am?).

So. Jana’s rules for Zumba. You can thank me later:

Arrive on time. In fact, arrive a few minutes early and secure your spot. There is nothing worse than a straggler who pushes her way into the spot she wants 10 minutes after class has started.
Respect the space of others. We move around a lot. Like A LOT. Don’t stand so close to someone else that they run the risk of smacking you accidentally on purpose as a warning. Or asking you to move or giving you nasty “let’s fight” looks. Not that I have done any of these.
Wear a bra for the boobs you have not the boobs you want. Support the girls. They’ll thank you for it. Also, no one wants to see your goodies. (This also applies to workout gear. Wear something that fits and covers places that should be covered. A quick glance in a mirror before you leave the house should help).
Know your place. Okay, that sounds rude. But if you’re new or can’t follow routines, please don’t stand in the front row. Your unfamiliarity with what the instructor is doing, or possess an inability to pick up on moves quickly (like me), is distracting. You can move up front as you become more familiar with the routines (note: quality of dancing is irrelevant. You can be a terrible dancer but still know the moves. In other words, me).
Keep moving. We all screw up. Even the instructors. But when you screw up and just STOP, you throw everyone around you off and you might cause someone to fall or get hurt, particularly if they bump into you. And if you don’t like a song and don’t want to dance to it, step off to the side. Take a break. Don’t just stand there.
Along the same lines as #5. MOVE. YOUR. BODY. If you’re not going to move at all, why go through the trouble of going to the gym? You can accomplish the same thing staying at home with way less effort. Note: Unless you don’t know what you’re doing and you’re up front, the rest of us don’t care what you look like. We just want you to move.
Wear deodorant. It makes me sad that I had to write that.
Don’t be a space stealer. If someone leaves in the middle of song or to get a drink, don’t sneak into her spot. More than likely, she will return. Taking a break is not permission to sneak into someone’s spot. If you wanted a better spot, refer to rule #1.
Prepare to sweat. I don’t care if you’re in the best shape ever, this is a shitload of fast paced cardio. It’s fucking hard and you will sweat. Don’t complain about it. We’re all sweating because we’re supposed to. So bring a towel and suck it up.

Follow these rules and you’ll be an A student. Nothing is worse than going to a class and having an asshole with poor Zumba class etiquette ruin your experience. Don’t be that asshole.

Pinterest Project Tuesday: Chocolate chip cookie dough fudge

August 6, 2013 by Jana 5 Comments

This week I made chocolate chip cookie dough fudge. Because why not?

I used this recipe, which was linked from a pin I found. Here’s what happened when I made it (I take terrible pictures. I apologize in advance for every post like this that I do):

Starting from 1:

All the ingredients (you might have also seen this if you follow me on Instagram)
Mixing together brown sugar, white sugar, and butter in my stand up mixer (I love my stand up mixer. It’s my favorite thing in my kitchen. Also it was free, courtesy of my mother in law).
Melting butter with brown sugar and half and half. I think salt might also have been added.
All dry ingredients, including powdered sugar (I swear that’s what it is. I know it looks like a prop from Scarface).
Dry ingredients mixed with the melted butter concoction.
Adding in chocolate chips.
The whole mixture in the prepped pan, ready to go in the fridge.
Finished product. Arranging food displays is clearly not a career path.

So that’s it. Like most foods I make, it looks ugly but tastes delicious. A warning: this is really sweet and a little goes a long way.

Did you make anything from Pinterest this week? How did it go?

So about that time I was almost homeless

5 things I wish moms of more than one child would stop saying

A few words on transparency

Jana’s rules for Zumba

Pinterest Project Tuesday: Chocolate chip cookie dough fudge

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