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Friday favorites, volume 18

September 5, 2014 by Jana 10 Comments

I have mixed feelings about this week. On the one hand, a short week is awesome because less time waiting in the parent pickup line at school. On the other hand, Joan Rivers died and that’s just terrible because she was awesome and hardworking and snarky and unapologetic for how she was and we should all aspire for that. She’s one of those celebrity institutions that you just always thought would be there and now she’s…not. It’s weird to process. I mean, my life isn’t necessarily different because I didn’t know her personally but it’s still sad. She was a pioneer for women, specifically women in comedy and I have mad respect for that.

And she worked with The Muppets. Let’s pause and watch one of my favorite scenes from my favorite Muppet movie.

RIP, Joan.

On another note, thanks for all the great comments on Wednesday’s post. I feel so loved and supported and it means so much to me. I have a couple of follow up posts planned and I’ll be sure to update you on my progress.

Favorite song

Breaking Benjamin. Evil Angel. Best song on Phobia, hands down. I listen to this song pretty much every day. Sometimes on repeat. I love it that much. And Benjamin Burnley isn’t bad to look at either.

A fat girl comes clean

September 3, 2014 by Jana 37 Comments

I’ve been going back and forth for awhile about sharing this but after reading some great posts on other blogs, it made me realize I stand to lose nothing by sharing and also, I’d be a bullshit blogger if I didn’t write about things like this. So here we go. And please bear with me as I wade through all of this. I’m going to try and make it as coherent as possible.

Confession: I am fat.

To look at me, you’d say I’m not but I see the number on the scale and I see the size tags on my clothes, and all of it tells me one conclusive fact.

I. Am. Fat.

It’s not like this is something new. I’ve been overweight as long as I can remember, save for a couple of years in my earlyish twenties where I was decidedly not fat (and when I was a kid but I have no recollection of those skinny years). That came after months of hard work and dieting and when I look at myself in the mirror (which, quite frankly, I only do if I absolutely have to), I can still see that almost thin girl trying to get through (if that reminds you of what John Bender says to Claire when he learns her name, that’s totally fine because that’s what went through my head as I wrote it) but in reality, it looks like the fat girl ate her. And her friend.

To say it’s depressing is an understatement.

The thing is, I know it’s my fault. I know how to put a fork down. I know how to close a bag of chips or not eat 14 brownies or have that second serving of whatever. Yet most times, I choose not to. I used to think I didn’t know why but I really do. I just wasn’t willing to admit it before now.

You see, being fat gives me an excuse to hide from all the things that make me nervous: new friends, new situations, being on stage (which I have to do in NOLA at the conference I’m going to), having people look at me. Staying fat means I don’t have to worry about trying to be a published writer or pursuing any other big dreams I have. It lets me hide from being successful; if I’m successful, people have to see me and then I open myself up to all sort of criticizing and condemning eyes.

The worst of which are my own.

Because if you’ve ever had a conversation with me, you know I’m my own worst critic. I’m also my own worst nemesis and if anyone ever said the things to me that I say to myself, we’d no longer be friends.

I’m that vicious.

You should know that I beat myself up about how I look pretty much daily. It’s as natural to me as breathing. It’s so ingrained in who I am that I genuinely don’t know how to stop. I’m pretty sure if I were thin again, I’d still do it. You see, once you have that version of “fat you”, no matter how much weight you lose, you still see yourself as fat. Even if you have all the empirical data to prove otherwise, what you see in the mirror doesn’t change because you can’t reconcile the new you with the fat you. Not without tons of hard work and maybe even a little therapy.

And the thing is, I know I’m not the only one. I know there are plenty of women out there (men, too), who do exactly what I do every single day. And like me, their self worth is completely contingent on what the scale says in the morning or how a certain shirt looks or if our pants can fit straight out of the dryer. Which is total bullshit because I know I’m a good person despite my weight. I care about people and animals and I recycle and I call my mother. I’m fun. I’m intelligent. I’m moderately talented. I practice good personal hygiene. Yet when I look in a mirror, I don’t see that. I don’t see all the good parts about me. And all the women like me ignore all the other good, amazing aspects about themselves, too.

We just see fat.

It needs to change.

Because feeling this crappy every single day, not because of comments from strangers or husbands or friends, but because of what we say to ourselves, well, that’s pretty much the worst feeling in the world.

So for all the fat girls out there who are unhappy and don’t know where or how to start feeling better, let me be your guinea pig. Let me work out all the kinks for you. Let me do something about it and share the experience with you so when you’re ready, you can learn from my mistakes. And let me be your support because honestly? I get it. Even if it seems like no one else understands or comprehends what you’re going through, please know that I do.

Because we’re the same.

But this journey is more than just losing weight. That’s actually the easy part. The hard part is changing my inner dialog. I need to stop berating myself daily. I need to acknowledge that who I am is not dictated by how I look. I need to stop being so hard on myself and start giving myself compliments (and accepting them from others), even if I have a bad day or week or even month. I need to accept that I am more than my weight. I need to believe am a good person despite the fact that maybe I’m not ideal on a chart.

And even if I never reach some arbitrary ideal weight, that’s okay. This whole thing is about me learning to be happy with me. It’s not for anyone else. It’s only for me.

And if that’s a little selfish, then so be it. I have to live with me for the rest of my life.

You might only have to look at me for a few minutes.

Linking up with Kathy and Liz

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Summer reading list recap and other stuff

September 2, 2014 by Jana 24 Comments

And so the curtain closes on yet another summer. This one was infinitely better than last, given the fact that we didn’t move and almost have a foray into homelessness. Which was great for family morale.

Summer saw the blossoming of our garden but the demise of my pioneer project (we’ll talk about that another day), the rebirth of this blog, and the end of my sanity. It also saw me work through my summer reading list which I established way back in June but, like every plan I put into action, it got derailed and took on a life of its own.

You can read the full summer reading list if you want but the Cliff’s Notes version is this: I picked 6 fiction and 7 nonfiction books to read, for a total of 13 books. I wound up reading 14; 2 nonfiction (Confessions of a Prairie Bitch and The Last Lecture) and 12 fiction books. Here’s my brief reviews of the ones I could fit into a PicMonkey collage.

Very disappointing book. Mostly boring, occasionally interesting. YA book that is not appreciated by this actual adult.
I love Joshua Ferris’s books and I loved this one. It’s a dense read at times but worth working through.
The first 200 pages were slow, slow, slow but the pay off of the last third of the book is worth it. Glad I read it before I see the movie.
Not what I expected but in a good way. Chick lit at its finest and definitely worth reading.
My most favorite book of the summer (it’s Eleanor and Park, in case you can’t read the title). YA book that is highly appreciated by this actual adult and if I had to pick one book to recommend out of all I read this summer, it’s this one. I read it in a day.
Terrible book. It was awkward and bothersome and weird and don’t waste your time unless you have nothing else to read.
Adequate. Great at times, boring at others. Mostly unlikable characters but a few likable ones that you keep reading the book for.
Loved this one, too. The ending was a bit meh and the plot was mostly predictable but it was well written and a compelling read.
Another YA book (not sure what was going on with me and YA books this summer). Intriguing storyline and I read Dare Me because I liked this one so much (by the same author). Great for a vacation read.
Not pictured: Things We Set on Fire (even my non-reader sister liked it), See You at Harry’s (quick read, good for a long flight. Slightly sad), Real Happy Family (another good long flight read. Reminded me of the kind of book I’d like to write).

Now that you saw what I read over the summer, I should tell you that I’m currently in the middle of Where’d You Go, Bernadette (if you follow me on Instagram, you already knew that. So you should totally follow me and stay up to date on that breaking news) and when that’s done, here’s the pile I’ll be working on in September (and yes, that is a book by Kailyn of Teen Mom 2 fame. #noshame):

Isn't the plastic over our fireplace so classy? — Isn’t the plastic over our fireplace so classy?

In addition to reading, working on my novel (post coming on that shortly), and a quick 5 day jaunt to New Orleans in 2 weeks, I’m also participating in the Choose Your Own Adventure goal challenge and linkup because I loved those books as a kid and I love the concept as an adult. This month, the focus is on fitness which works out (no pun intended) really well. Exercise isn’t something I have a problem with as it’s integral in keeping my depression and anxiety at bay but I need to kick it up to ramp up the weight loss (another post you have to look forward to. Aren’t you stoked from all the previews?).

Over the summer, I borrowed a friend’s Focus T-25 DVDs and I loved them. I don’t have tons of time to exercise and, now that I quit my gym (due to distance) and finished a Couch 2 5K training program, I needed something else to do. I absolutely love the workouts and love them so much I bought the DVDs for myself (for a deep, deep discount on eBay. No full price for this chick). So, for my fitness goals this month, I’ll be working through the Alpha round, but at a higher intensity than I did them over the summer. As in, not following the modifier lady as much as possible.

So, for September, we’ve got my reading list, my fitness goal, and because I like my goals in batches of three, let’s make the third one editing the draft of my book. I think that’ll keep me nice and busy.

How about you guys? What are your September goals? Do you have suggestions for where I should go or what I should see in New Orleans?

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Don’t judge unless you know

August 26, 2014 by Jana 25 Comments

Alrighty.

It’s rant time.

Yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend and, through that conversation, I realized that it gets on my nerves, even more than I thought, when someone condemns a situation or circumstances without knowing all the facts.

Here’s an example. A woman finds out her friend’s husband has been cheating on her. Rather than get divorced, the friend decides to go to therapy and work through the issues so that she and her husband remain married. Divorce is not a word they believe in unless it’s absolutely necessary and maybe this one cheating incident isn’t worth a divorce. The woman gets all up on her high horse, proclaiming that she would never, EVER stay with a man who cheats on her. Once a cheater, always a cheater and he’s just not worth my time and I can do better and all that jazz. It causes fights between her and her friend, to the point that they can no longer continue their friendship.

Here’s a second example. A couple in their late 20s, dating for 9 months, decide to get engaged. A friend who’s been through a broken engagement decides that it’s too fast and starts pontificating that people shouldn’t rush into marriage and gives 4782 reasons why not. The friend makes valid points but the couple just isn’t listening. They don’t want negative opinions. They don’t care about negative opinions. They know what’s best for them, even if it might not look like it to outsiders (note: there are exceptions to this. We can talk about that another day if you’d like).

In both of these scenarios, there are dozens of detractors saying what they’re doing is wrong. They cite their own personal “experience” as the guiding force in their opinions. They don’t have all the facts. And not only that, your situation might not match the one you’re criticizing. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, you don’t know the conversations that have been had, and you don’t have all the information. You have speculation along with snippets.

It’s difficult to make a fully formed opinion with minimal detail.

And even if you have personal experience with a situation, you cannot, with any certainty, say what you will or won’t do when faced with it again. Because things change and you can’t possibly predict what other mitigating factors might impact your decision. Married to a cheater? Maybe you have kids now and it’s not so easy to kick their dad out of their lives. Moving in with someone you’ve been dating for 5 months? Maybe there are financial reasons behind it. Have your kids at a grocery store in their pajamas at 9:00 at night? Maybe the babysitter bailed or the milk ran out unexpectedly or a kid is sick and you can’t leave them at home while you get medication.

While it’s easy to say, with certainty, what you’d do in those hypothetical situations, especially if it’s contrary to what you’re witnessing, what you’d actually do is probably very different. Nothing is ever as clear cut as we think it is. You’re not psychic, and you certainly cannot predict your emotions. And, whether you like it or not, emotions, even more than money, guide most of our decisions. Trying to decide if you’re going to stay in a marriage (or even get married) is nothing like buying a couch. Sure, you can vet the prospects, list pros and cons, and you know what’s rational and what’s not, but when it comes down to it, you’re most likely going to let your emotions make the decision. Not a list on a piece of paper or statistics or research or an ill-conceived blog post.

If you can be stoic and rational about every emotionally charged decision, then good for you. I have mad respect for that because, honestly, I can’t. My heart is sometimes more powerful than my head.

So, unless you know all the factors behind why something looks the way it does, keep your mouth shut. I can’t keep you from thinking and judging (not going to lie, I do it, too, and it’s completely wrong most of the time), but if you have the balls to comment, you best be prepared for pushback and disagreement. Your opinion doesn’t always matter, it isn’t always necessary, and sometimes, even if you disagree, the best thing to do is just support your friend’s decisions.

(Note: this in no way applies to any sort of domestic violence/bullying/serious mental health situation. It is that severe, you best step in and do whatever you can to protect your friend)

P.S. One more thing. We’re so quick to praise those who do what we think they should do; think about how we praise women who walk away from cheaters without a second look. But it is harder, WAY harder, to stay and work through an issue than it is to leave. We should be giving those women their due praise instead of criticizing them so openly.

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Friday favorites, volume 16

August 21, 2014 by Jana 22 Comments

I am so off my Friday posting game it’s ridiculous. I had a good thing going, posting and linking up with Amanda every Friday but then…I just stopped. I need to get back into a routine which hopefully should happen next week when my daughter goes back to school. We actually had back to school night yesterday, and while I am insanely disappointed she isn’t in class with her friends, I absolutely adore her teacher. She’s going to be a great fit for my kid and I’m excited to see how my daughter will progress in her class.

You know what I am not excited about, though? The horrible sunburn on my back. I took my daughter to the beach and, not realizing just how much time my Casper the ghost colored back would have in the sun, I neglected to put sunscreen on and now I am paying for it. It hurts so much. I couldn’t even wear a bra the other night and I have huge boobs so it’s a not a pretty sight when my girls aren’t locked up. But we have tons of after sun lotion so hopefully I won’t peel since I’ve been using that. I guess the moral of the story is this: use sunscreen even if you think you won’t need it. Because peeling skin is only fun if you can reach it.

And now, it’s Friday Favorites with Amanda.

Favorite song

The title of this song is “You Call Me a Bitch Like It’s a Bad Thing”. It’s by Halestorm. That’s all you need to know before you listen to it.