Life Archives - Page 65 of 96

Defining success YOUR way

October 15, 2014 by Jana 15 Comments

I want to start by saying THANK YOU to everyone who commented on Monday’s post. Your support and encouragement and thoughts mean more to me than I can adequately express. While I’m sure I have my share of detractors, having a group of supporters makes it that much easier to deal with those who don’t like me. I’m not exactly the toughest chick around but I’m working on thickening my skin. Because if I’m going to write and publish a book, I’m going to need it. I mean, you’ve read some of those Amazon reviews, right? Holy hell, people are cruel. I need to be able to handle it. So maybe it truly was a blessing in disguise that she and I had that conversation.

It’s all about the silver linings, right?

I like to think so.

One topic that I didn’t touch on in Monday’s post was the fact that, throughout our conversation, she kept talking about different measures of blogging success–page rank, page views per month, email subscribers, Twitter followers, stuff like that. Things that definitely matter, especially when you’re like me and will be shopping a book to agents, but in the grand scheme of blogging, they’re just measurements. They’re not indicators of quality or community or even being interesting. They’re indicators that you know how to get people to like and follow and you’re good at drawing traffic.

But when you get those readers and followers, are they really, truly reading? Are they sticking around? Do they support you? Have you formed relationships?

Or do you treat them like a statistic? If you do, that’s okay. I’m ~~only judging you a little bit~~ not judging you at all.

As for me, I don’t treat anyone like a statistic. Because that matters to me is forming relationships and connecting with people. I want what I write to mean something. I want readers to come away with feelings, even if that feeling is hatred mixed with contempt. The rest doesn’t matter. It’s not important to me to use SEO tricks and clickbait headlines (clearly. I mean, you’ve seen my post titles) vanity metrics to quantify my “popularity”. When I finish my book do I want people to buy and read it? Yes. Of course I do. I need justification for my global book tour. But I want people to read and buy the book because they like me. Because they like my writing. Not because I’ve bribed or tricked them (for the record, I’m not necessarily above bribing. Just ask my child).

And the reason I feel this way is because, after 3 years of blogging, I’ve finally defined and come to terms with what’s important to me. What matters to me. And I bring all of that to my personal definition of success. Which is not a word that has a universal definition (I mean, yes, it has a dictionary definition but the real life, practical definition is way more subjective than what Webster says. The dictionary. Not the guy from TV. Although that would be awesome, too).

See? He thinks you're doing just fine. — See? He thinks you’re doing just fine.

There’s nothing wrong with the traditional definition of success. But when you look at it objectively, we all have different measures for success, with blogging and with everything else. Because what I think is successful for me might not spell success for you.

For instance, you might think success is losing 100 pounds. I might think success is losing a pants size. Both are fine. Both are successes.

You might think success is having 50000 newsletter subscribers. I might think success is having 100 newsletter subscribers. Both are fine. Both are successes.

You might think success is having the biggest, faniciest house on the block. I might think success is simply having my own apartment. Both are fine. Both are successes.

You might think success is having a multi-book deal through a traditional publishing house. I might think success is self-publishing my first and only book. Both are fine. Both are successes.

You might think success is having a million dollars in your savings account. I might think success is saving $15 per month. Both are fine. Both are successes.

You might think success is having a booked social calendar. I might think success is having one close friend I can count on. Both are fine. Both are successes.

What it all boils down to is this–perspective. Your successes and failures are based on your perception and definition of those words, and the history and goals you bring to the table that contributes to your definition of those words. And since we’re all different, we’re all going to bring different experiences which in turn leads to–you guessed it–different definitions. And to put your subjective definition on someone else isn’t fair.

So don’t do it.

I’ve tried 100 different ways to end this post on an uplifting, empowering note. But none of them seemed quite right. Instead, I’m ending with this quote. It sums up everything I’m trying to say.

It’s Wednesday so I’m linking up with Liz. No confessions this week but you should go read all the awesome ones that link up with Kathy.

Save

5 lessons learned from being told “you suck”

October 13, 2014 by Jana 38 Comments

Jon Acuff talks about something he calls “critics math”. What he means by that is you could have 100 reviews of something–a book, a picture, your blog, whatever–with 99 positive and 1 negative and you will only focus on the 1 negative.

I definitely know that’s true for me.

Which is why, lately, I’ve been obsessing over how much everything I do totally and completely sucks.

Because two weeks ago, I had a conversation with someone who told me that “your blog sucks, your Twitter following isn’t any good, and your mentoring program will never make any money”. Those where her exact words, and I’ve whittled down the negative feedback for the sake of brevity.

I can’t even begin to tell you guys how much this hurt me. I work hard at having a nice looking blog that has consistently good content, I’m constantly thinking of ways to improve my mentoring program, and my social media followers, while important, are not something I use to measure my popularity or quality. So to be told everything I do sucks and all my effort is essentially for nothing has taken a huge toll on my self-confidence, my desire to even continue to try, and makes me rethink every decision I’ve made regarding writing and blogging thus far. This woman made me believe I’m wasting my time and I should pack it in.

And I almost did.

But you know what?

Fuck her.

Because I am a good writer. My blog doesn’t suck. And my mentoring program absolutely has potential. And there is absolutely no reason for me to quit, despite her horribly negative assessment of me, my abilities, my blog, and my short and long term plans.

And while I’ve definitely been dwelling in a place of “I suck and will never be successful as a writer, business woman or anything else”, there are a few takeaways from my conversation with that woman:

Look for the immediately actionable. While they may be buried underneath harsh statements, there’s probably one or two doable tasks or ideas you can implement quickly. Those little tweaks can breathe new life into a project or blog, and it might not have been ideas you had thought of before.
Look for the long term planning. Again, these may be buried underneath cruelly worded sentences, but those critiques will force you to take a hard look at what your long term plans are. You might find it necessary to go in a different direction than you had previously thought but it might be an even better direction.
Reevaluate your elevator pitch. I’m a big believer in personal responsibility so maybe the reason the person is so negative and harsh has to do with the way you’re presenting what you do. Maybe you’re not positive or enthusiastic or descriptive enough about it. Maybe you don’t present your message clearly. Take your critic’s response as an opportunity to reevaluate how you talk about your project.
Assess the true value of their opinion. Is this someone who has a vested interest in you? Or is it a casual acquaintance or someone you’ve just met at a party? While you can look for the value in those conversations (see 1 & 2), if it isn’t someone who knows you, isn’t familiar with anything you’ve done beyond a cursory glance, or doesn’t give a shit if you succeed or not, don’t internalize their words too much.
Keep going, regardless. It’s important to accept the fact that not everyone will like you. I’m sure not even Beyonce has universal appeal. She doesn’t stop. She keeps doing what she needs to do, both for herself and for her fans (I’m assuming. Bey and I have never really sat down and talked about this). And so should you.

It never feels good to hear you suck. Especially at something that’s been your lifelong dream. And it’s easy to let those voices sing a loud chorus, especially if you already have low self-esteem or are unnecessarily hard on yourself. Those critics validate all the things you already tell yourself, which only gives you more self-doubt. Trust when I say I understand. More than I can tell you.

But the best thing you can do to silence them, and prove them wrong, is to not quit. There’s a reason there are so many choices and there is room for all different voices. Everyone likes something different and simply because one person isn’t a fan doesn’t mean 99 other people aren’t as well. Don’t let one detractor keep you from pursuing your dream.

Save

Friday favorites, volume 22

October 10, 2014 by Jana 15 Comments

Guys. If you follow me on Instagram, you know this already, but yesterday I took myself on an afternoon date to see Gone Girl. The movie was absolutely fantastic. The casting was spectacular, Gillian Flynn did an incredible job adapting the book (probably because she’s the book’s author, too), and really, with Trent Reznor doing the music, you know the soundtrack kicked ass. I have never been so pleased with a book to movie adaptation and no joke, you need to go see this movie.

But the best part, besides the movie itself, was the matinee price, the virtually empty theater, and not having to worry about making anyone else happy and worrying if they’re enjoying it, too. That’s a lot of pressure. And I really did enjoy being there by myself. I think I’ll date myself more often.

I could talk about this movie, and going by myself, for many minutes but that would get boring so let’s move on to the other things I enjoyed this week.

Favorite song

Ever since I saw her on an episode of Sons of Anarchy, I’ve been thinking about the basket case that is Courtney Love. Remember back in the 90s when she had her brief period of normal? Remember how Hole had decent music? I do, and I’ve had “Celebrity Skin” stuck in a loop in my head. So let’s listen to that now.

Favorite frugal find

Thanks to Steph’s Wallet Watch, I am not shopping except for necessities. And as much as I’d like to classify nail polish as a necessity, I can’t. So I’m not even looking for deals and finds because it’ll just be too tempting. Plus, the husband and I are saving our money for when the Orioles make it to the World Series. Because we’re going. We’re not sure when and if it’ll happen again.

Favorite book/TV thing

I finished my Goodreads reading challenge! I’ve read 37 books (well, 38 but one doesn’t count, if you remember that from Tuesday. And since so many of you want to know what it is, I’ll tell you. You know Kailyn from Teen Mom 2? It’s her book. And I like Kailyn. And she lives in Delaware, like I do. But her book was awful). And in addition to The Rosie Project, I’m also reading Laura Vanderkam’s 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think. It’s definitely making me rethink about how I spend my time every week. Very eye opening.

No favorite TV thing. Still watching the same shows. On season 4 of The Wire, which, given my background working with kids, is very difficult to watch. But still a great show.

Favorite Internet reads

One of my favorites shows growing up was The Wonder Years, and I’m still annoyed that it’s not on in reruns (but thank you Amazon and Netflix), but this post with 28 fun facts about the show was lots of fun to read. Keeping with the Gone Girl love this week, you need to read this interview with Gillian Flynn. Go read it. Then come back so you can leave me again to read these hysterically awful proofreading fails. And once you’ve dried your eyes from that, finish up my weekly favorite internet reads with this article on parenting as a Gen Xer. It is a perfect read. I wish I was astute enough to have written it.

Favorite quote

Favorite funnies

Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion

It’s fun to keep them guessing

If it’s not written down, it doesn’t exist. Or happen.

Seriously, watch the fuck out

This weekend is filled with orange–pumpkin picking and watching Orioles games. Because I’m still in shock that they’ve made it this far. #wewontstop

Hope y’all enjoy your weekend, too!

Linking up with Amanda

Save

How to be a terrible neighbor

October 9, 2014 by Jana 28 Comments

A little over a year ago, my family moved from our townhouse into a single family house. We lived in the townhouse for 9 years and, overall, we had great neighbors. Specifically the houses on either side of us and we knew that when we moved, we’d probably not find neighbors as good as them.

We know how lucky we were. And we remember it. Every day.

When you move from houses that are attached to houses that are not attached, it not only puts physical distance between you and your neighbors, but it also creates a bit of a personal distance. We all live in our own little bubble and I swear, I haven’t seen the family that lives 2 houses down from us in about a month. That said, we have gotten to know our neighbors within our immediate vicinity and despite our differences, we all have one thing in common.

We all hate the same house.

Maybe hate is a strong word. How about we all dislike them immensely and with great passion? Sounds a little better. Anyway, the reason we all can’t stand them is because they’ve essentially written the manual on how to be crappy neighbors. And, because I’m nice and thoughtful, I figured I’d share that manual with you guys in case you ever want to make your entire block dislike you (which you might, so consider this a PSA).

It’s a pretty easy process, and as long as you follow these steps, you’ll put yourself on track:

1. Be unfriendly. Never smile, wave, make eye contact, acknowledge or do anything that would remotely look like a friendly gesture. Forget small talk; that’s not for you. Nope, for you, it’s essential that you deliberately and purposefully ignore everyone.

2. Be noisy. Especially at inappropriate times, like midnight on a Tuesday. How are you going to make everyone dislike you if you’re not yelling at your spouse or revving your engine late a night, while people are trying to sleep?

3. Be flagrant with your smoking. You smoke and everyone needs to know it. For you, it’s not enough to sit on your front steps smoking. Nope, you need to take that into other neighbor’s garages and leave your cigarette butts in front of other homes.

4. Never control your dogs. It’s not enough that your incessantly yappy dogs bother you. They have to bother the whole street! So make sure you have them outside, where they can serenade the whole block but also make sure that you don’t put them on a leash so they can shit in different yards. Variety is the spice of life, amirite? And as a bonus, never clean it up, either. You consider that a gift!

5. Let your kids run wild. And make sure you’re not watching them, either. It takes a village, isn’t that what they say? Well, to you, you’re not actually part of that village but it’s totally okay to let your kids run loose and let the village take care of them while you’re inside doing who knows what. You need a break, after all.

Remember, you can balance all of this out with making sure your lawn is mowed, your trash isn’t strewn about, and you only have a few house calls from the local police (which might or might have to do with the drugs you might or might not be running out of your garage. I don’t know, though. I’m not here to judge how you make a living. If you can afford your mortgage, then have at it).

Okay, so in reality I know that my neighbors could be much, much worse. But this kind of behavior takes a lot of getting used to and I have a really low threshold for bullshit, drama, and people who don’t watch their pets, children, and have a blatant disrespect for others around them. And to be fair, it’s mainly the mom. The dad is an okay dude and the kids are necessarily horrible. I know they’re doing the best they can.

I just wish they’d be quieter.

And corral their dogs.

I don’t think that’s asking too much.

Save

More rational irrational fears

October 8, 2014 by Jana 31 Comments

Remember last week how I made everyone feel better about themselves and also slightly less crazy when I shared some of the ridiculous things I’m afraid of? Well, friends, get ready because I’m about to do it again.

That’s right. I’m coming at you with a whole new list of completely irrational things that I am genuinely terrified of for no other reason than my brain is broken and I clearly have major issues.

1. Cocaine. Not only have I never tried this drug because, you know, it’s cocaine but also when I was in 8th grade or so I read that Sweet Valley High book where their friend Regina tries coke at a party and DIES of a heart attack. Best “just say no to drugs” campaign ever.

2. Being poisoned. I can’t even explain this one away with a back story but I legit fear someone putting something in my drink or food and then I die.

3. Falling. Specifically, down a flight of stairs and breaking bones. I did fall roller skating when I was 7 and broke my wrist and spent 6 weeks in a cast so this one actually has basis in fact. But that was in a crowded public place. I fear doing it down the stairs in my house and being stuck and not being able to get my phone and call for help.

4. Being impaled. See also: being stabbed. Like being poisoned, I have no reason for being scared of this but I just am. I should probably stop watching violent crime shows. It might help ease this particular fear.

5. Losing my luggage. Not that I am a world traveler nor do I fly more than twice a year, so the odds of this happening are slim, but every time I do fly and I have to check my luggage, I have a panic attack that my suitcase winds up somewhere I’m not and someone else has my stuff and then I have to buy all new things or be smelly and dirty.

6. Getting on the wrong plane/bus/train. Sort of the same as losing my luggage except this time, I’m the one who gets lost. And then I wind up somewhere I don’t know and I have a horrible sense of direction and I get even more lost and my phone is dead and I can’t call for help or use a map and no one will help me and then I just cry. Or maybe get abducted. Either one is totally plausible.

7. Trucks. Specifically, driving behind trucks. It terrifies me when I can’t see traffic lights or other cars, and when I’m stuck between two trucks, I’m fairly confident I’m going to get smushed. I realize this puts no faith in the drivers of said trucks and I have more respect for them than that but it does nothing to ease my fear.

8. Home invasions. Again, it’s probably too many crime shows. And news stories. But this is a fear I’ve had going back to my childhood in one of the safest, crime free places on the planet. It won’t go away. It’s also the reason that when we first moved into our house, we kept our dog locked away in our room while we were out. Just in case.

9. Foul balls. I love baseball. I love going to baseball games. But unlike everyone else in the stands, when a foul ball comes my way, I don’t charge for it. Not only do I think I’ll take a tumble over my section (see: fear of falling) but when I was 16, I got hit in the face with a line drive and I can’t shake the thought that it’ll happen again. So when a foul ball comes my way, I cower.

10. My dogs being stolen. If I take my dogs with me and I have to run a quick errand, I will leave them in the car (weather dependent, of course). In the less than 10 minutes it will take to run said errand, I am paranoid that when I come out, my dogs will have been thieved from my car and I’ll never see them again. I also fear that someone will climb our fence and take them from the backyard when I let them out. It doesn’t mater that I watch them like a hawk (which, incidentally, I’m also afraid of). The fear is real.

Bonus fear, as told by a dog:

I think this is it for the irrational fears. The rest that I have are completely rational and make sense and I don’t like to talk about them that much because they’re not really very entertaining.

Did I miss any? What other ones do you guys have? Do you think this list covers any of them?

Linking up with Kathy and Liz

Save

Defining success YOUR way

5 lessons learned from being told “you suck”

Friday favorites, volume 22

How to be a terrible neighbor

More rational irrational fears

Connect with Me

Subscribe to Jana Says