Last week, I committed to join a whole bunch of other female bloggers to talk about money on this International Women’s Day. They do it regularly but I don’t so if you want to truly learn about money, you should check out what they have to say. As for me, this is inspired by Halestorm’s “Dear Daughter”. Sort of. 

But before we get to that, I want to say something about financial abuse. We don’t talk about it because, like most conversations about money, it’s uncomfortable and unlike bruises, invisible. It’s easy to hide account balances and debts. No one is going to blink if a friend says she doesn’t have cash to go out to lunch or buy a gift for a coworker or get a manicure or even buy a pack of gum. And if you know someone like this, it probably wouldn’t occur to you she’s in a financially abusive situation. Odds are, she’s not and she’s just watching her money.

But you never know.

Financial abuse is real, it is dangerous, and it is worse than physical threats. It is isolating, humiliating, frustrating, and exhausting. Because by taking away someone’s financial power, you take away their freedom and autonomy. You take away their ability to leave, to get help, to stand on their own. It’s what abusers want and it’s what we, those who stand up for the abused, must combat.

Please, take some time to learn the signs of financial abuse so if you or someone you love finds themselves in this situation, you can help. Before you can’t.

And now…this.

When I think about money advice, I generally find myself at a loss. God knows I’m not a model of financial perfection and I’ve made, and continue to make, my share of mistakes. But I know a thing or two about a thing or two (kudos to you if you read that in Robert DeNiro’s voice and even more kudos if you know what movie I’m referring to) and I figured it’d be a good idea to write those things down. In letter form.

Dear Daughter,

Along the way, I’ve been trying to teach you some things. Like how to wear eye makeup that doesn’t make you look like Alice Cooper. How to cook food so you don’t starve. How to use your manners but also how to curse responsibly. And I like to think I’ve been teaching you about managing money and having a healthy relationship with it.

But just in case I haven’t been clear, here’s a few things I want you to learn:

• Know your worth and never let anyone tell you you’re not worth it.
• Negotiating is your friend. Learn how to do it fairly and responsibly and remember that if an offer isn’t good, walk away.
• Liking money is okay. Wanting to make lots of money, and having lots of money, is also okay. However, it’s entirely unacceptable to treat someone who has less than you like they have no value.
• Be a boss. You don’t have to be THE boss but be A boss at whatever you choose to do.
• Your money is your money. You do with it what you want and it’s no one’s place to shame you or judge you for it. If they do, fuck ’em.
• Also, if you want to share your money with a spouse or partner, you go right ahead. But you stay on top of that shit. You know your budget and income and expenses. DO NOT turn a blind eye and let your partner dictate how your money is spent. Know what financial infidelity looks like.
• Don’t want to share and feel more comfortable keeping your funds separate? That’s fine, too. Don’t let anyone bully you into thinking otherwise.
• A man (or woman) is not a financial plan. Cool slogan, right? I didn’t make it up but I do agree with it. You need to learn to take care of yourself because relying on someone else to do it is dangerous. And if you do choose to be a stay-at-home mom, I support you but make sure you know how to manage your money, where you have your investments, understand your insurance policies, and all the other financial basics. Stay involved in your household finances. Financial literacy is everything.
• Save and invest for your future, and prepare for emergencies. They will happen and you need to be ready for whatever life throws at you whenever they are thrown at you.
• Debt’s going to happen. It’s okay. We all make mistakes. But what’ll set you apart is your ability to put on your big girl panties and face it.
• Help other women. You’ve heard me say that success isn’t cake. There’s more than enough for everyone. And the only way all women can succeed is by supporting each other and lifting each other up. So use their services, shop at their stores, watch their movies, buy their books, hire them at your company. When I say use your money for good, this is what I mean.
• LEARN TO BUDGET. Yeah, I’m screaming. But if you don’t know this, everything else is a big giant waste.
• Use your money to better the world. Give to charities and causes you believe in.
• You are not your income, your house, your car, your job, your clothes, or your purse. You are not your debts or loans or bad investments or financial mistakes. You are not what is or isn’t in your wallet and you’re certainly not your budget. Money doesn’t make you who you are.

Is this everything I want you to know? No. I think it’s impossible to capture all of that in one reasonable length letter. You’re a smart kid, though, so I know you’ll figure out what’s missing when you need to.

You know, money is a weird thing. It’s necessary to live and it gives you choices and options. But you have to use it responsibly and pay attention and educate yourself in the ways of money or honestly, you’re pretty much screwed.

We don’t live in a time anymore (thankfully) where women are expected to be meek and quiet and let their husbands take care of everything. No. We now live in a time when women speak up and take ownership of themselves and their finances.

And it’s okay to do so.

So you go out there and you kick ass like I know you can.

Love, Mom

P.S. Here’s the source if you want to listen. Have tissues nearby.