Jana Says

Living life from cover to cover

Bus boy, bartender, ladies of the night…

by Jana 16 Comments

I am not what you would call “career focused”. Don’t misunderstand; I take my work seriously and I do my best (well, usually). But being CEO or some high powered, high priced fill in the blank has never been important to me. And I’ve also had a slight lack of focus for much of my working life. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve finally put it all together into a job that not only I’m good at, but I’m completely equipped for and motivated to do and work towards that proverbial C-suite (even if I truly never want to be in the C-suite because that means pants and pants are stupid).

While I’ve been traipsing around the working landscape, it also occurred to me that there are a good number of jobs that I would be 100% completely and utterly terrible at. I asked my husband for input on this list as well and here’s our top 10:

  1. Golf caddy. Not only do I hate golf but as The Husband put it, I’d get asked “what club should I use” and I’d reply “I don’t fucking care”.
  2. Pirate. The energy that goes into being a pirate just seems excessive. Plus, I don’t really like boats.
  3. Cult leader. Unless it’s the leader of the “do whatever the fuck you want” cult, I’m not cut out for that kind of leadership. My husband is. It’s actually a tad scary.
  4. Boxer/MMA fighter/Ninja. I’m too clumsy to be a ninja and as for the other two, well, I’ll leave that to people like Kathy who are in shape.
  5. Sport announcer. I like sports. I just don’t want to announce them. Also, I lose focus easily and my co-host would be all “DID YOU SEE THAT?! THAT WAS THE PLAY OF THE YEAR!”  and I’d be all “Nope. I missed it. I did see that bird over there, though”.
  6. Reality show star. A) Is that even a real job (The Husband says it is)? and B) I don’t want to be famous.
  7. Farmer. Probably one of the most difficult jobs around. I, however, don’t like to get up early, I’m too lazy to garden, and barnyard animals smell terrible. Hard pass.
  8. Long haul trucker. I have a terrible sense of direction. I’d take a wrong turn, end up God knows where, and abandon my truck and whatever I’m hauling.
  9. Prostitute. Diseases and going to jail aside, I’m not good late at night and I’m not really great at pricing my services either. A pimp seems like it’d be the way to go here but I feel that could get tricky (no pun intended but LOL at my terrible joke anyway) without a contract and unless we’re hitting up Saul Goodman, probably won’t be able to get that done.
  10. Hedge fund manager. What the fuck is a hedge fund?

Then we had this conversation:

Husband: I do think you’d be an excellent executioner?

Me: Like in the old days? When you chopped people’s heads off?

Husband: No, now. You’d be good at pushing the switch for the electric chair.

Me: I disagree but we can debate that if you’d like. I’m open to a new perspective.

(P.S. For the record, I would not be good in this position. I have strong opinions about the death penalty and the moral, legal, and ethical issues surrounding it but for the sake of this post, let’s just see the humor in the conversation.)

Oh, and here’s the song the post title comes from:

What jobs would you be terrible at?

 

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Friday Six-Pack: Reset the counter

by Jana 17 Comments

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve done a weekly recap but I figured maybe I should start that again. Maybe I’ll even begin including pictures (insert collective gasp)!Friday Six Pack

Not too interesting of a week but there were some highlights:

  • I bought planner stickers. They were on sale and I get jealous of Kathy and Rebecca Jo‘s pretty planners so I figured for $3, what the hell. Now I own the stickers and I don’t know what to do with them. Suggestions?
  • Mr. Robot is the biggest mindfuck of a show in the history of ever and I watched LOST. Just when I think I get it, I don’t. But damn, Craig Robinson, are you good at being creepy and my 15 year old self loves seeing Christian Slater every week.
  • Last weekend, my town had a big craft beer festival to support our historic preservation society or something like that. So we went. I had fun, despite the 8 billion degree weather and despite eating tacos from a stand advertising “Taco’s” (At first, I did refuse to eat from there due to the poor grammar but you know…drunk) and despite eating tacos rather than Old Bay tater tots. I did successfully avoid using the portapotty and I made some new friends. Many wins for me!
  • I finished The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck by Sarah Knight. You guys. READ THIS FUCKING BOOK. If you listen to The Armchair Librarians, you heard me discuss it and I’ll do so in-depth for the next Show Us Your Books but expect many references to this book around these parts in the near future.
  • Speaking of books, my next library haul is going to be nuts. So many books, so much diversity in topic, and one of them is Lady Cop Makes Trouble!!!!  IG post coming as the books roll in (not following me on IG? You should!) or after I hit the library at some point today, depending on how many are there.
  • The child is now the proud owner of an iPhone. I’m not prepared for this. Also, does anyone else not give a fuck about the iPhone7? I’m quite happy with the 6 and I am in no rush at all to buy the new one, especially before others buy it and I hear feedback. I might wind up getting one when the times comes for an upgrade on my line but I don’t care enough to make it a priority. Mostly because it’s a fucking phone.

A funny:

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Enjoy your weekend! I’ll be celebrating my mother-in-law’s 60th and a childfree Friday night while she’s at some cheer team bonding sleepover thing. Hope you do something fun, too!

 

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Yes, I love Rush: An explanation

by Jana 16 Comments

One of the most common questions I’m asked (only when it comes up in conversation. People don’t run around asking me this question out of nowhere because that would be fucking weird) is Rush is your favorite band?! WHY?!

And yes, it’s true (well, Rush and Shinedown. But this post is about the former). They have been for more years than I care to admit. I’ve seen them 4 times, own in some form a good bulk of their catalog, and maybe flipped out (also voted) when they were elected to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I won’t pretend that they’re for everyone and yes, Geddy Lee’s voice can be grating at times even for the most die hard of Rush fans, but I love them.

I realize this doesn’t answer why. I’m getting to that in a sec.

It’s amazing to me that of all the bands and musicians in the world, Rush is the one that needs an explanation because to me, it’s a no brainer. They just fucking kick ass and when I’m their age, I want to be just as cool and kicking just as much as I did when I was in my 20s. Like they are.

So, to answer the question:

The musicianship. Music to me is what art in the form of paintings or photographs are to others. It elicits all the feels and when you’re listening to a quality musician, it makes it that much more deep. Rush is filled with 3 stellar musicians and their talent is such that they are the only band to whose instrumentals I can listen. Plus, Neil Peart live is something of a religious experience.

The lyrics. They are one of the few rock bands who do not, nor have they not, written about your typical sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Now, I don’t mind this stuff. Some great, fun songs are about that stuff. But there’s an element to Rush’s lyrics that makes their music…more interesting to listen to. Because you’re not hearing the same things. They write about historical shit and hard subjects and epic adventures and sometimes, you need a dictionary to understand what they’re saying. The vocabulary is musical at times, too. I like that.

They’re private. Well, subtle is more like it. They’ve never had a scandal or a sex tape or an overdose and they’ve had the same band members for roughly forever. They also have some personal stories that will shock, inspire, make you cry…all that stuff (ex., Geddy Lee’s parents are Holocaust survivors). Yet they’re not all up in your face about it. They just quietly go about making music and being generally awesome.

They’re different. They don’t sound like anyone else. Ever. It’s a nice change.

Good god, are they weird. And so are most of their fans. Yet so am I. It’s a perfect fit.

They’re funny. Even if it’s subtle. If you don’t believe me, watch the little movie short they did in response to/as part of the movie I Love You, Man.

I found this excerpt from Rob Sheffield’s book Turn Around Bright Eyes: The Rituals of Love and Karaoke (which I either DNF or didn’t read. One of those for sure) about Rush. It’s a pretty interesting read. Explains a lot and written by someone more talented than I. Read it here if you’re curious and/or have time. (This one from CNN, written around their R&R HOF induction is good, too)

Nothing I’ve said is different from what any Rush fan would say when questioned about the band. I think one thing that separates me from most other Rush fans (besides the fact that I’m woman. We’re few and far between. The last time I saw them, Geddy Lee actually made a comment that he saw 4 women in the audience and it was a record. See? FUNNY!) is that I can recognize, understand, and appreciate all the contempt towards them. I truly do understand why people don’t like them and I’d be lying if I said that there are some songs that I just cannot listen to either.

But I don’t pay attention to those.

And I won’t try to convert you to a fan.

Do you have a band or an artist or an author you love but most people don’t understand why?

 

 

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Things that annoy me Thursday

by Jana 28 Comments

Someone else absolutely thought of this idea before me. I cannot, for the life of me, remember who it was otherwise I would totally mention that person but please know, person whose great idea this was, I salute you (I think it’s Amber from Airing My Laundry but I am not positive).

Things are on my nerves lately. From the lingering hot weather to the routine of having pack lunches to trying to understand the moods of my toaster oven, I am out of patience for things. Here’s the top of the list:

IXL. For those who don’t know what this is, it’s an online learning math program created by who I assume is a relative of Satan. It’s not that it’s necessarily a bad program and I am certainly not opposed to her doing this type of supplemental learning for homework. BUT. The program setup is absolute bullshit and her school makes the kids maintain a 100% standard in order to progress. Problem with that is, you earn points for getting questions right (the amount you earn decreases as you get closer to 100) and lose points for getting them wrong (the amount seems to increase as you get closer to 100). This is nonsense and serves no fucking purpose except causing parents to yell and kids to cry because these assignments take fucking forever. One hundred angry faces.

People who don’t follow simple directions and then erupt in fits when they get called out for it. I guess this is pretty self-explanatory but seriously, y’all, just follow the fucking directions. If you have problems, ask. Ten angry faces

Noisy library patrons. Look, I get that it’s impossible remain completely still and quiet. I certainly am not. But if you see all the people around you concentrating and working on things, maybe you should shut the fuck up. Do you NEED to make all that noise while unpacking your backpack? Also, are you moving the fuck in? Who brings that much shit to a library? And if you do, why do you need to take it all out? Twelve angry faces.

Brock Turner. I’m not going to launch into a diatribe about the ABSOLUTELY FUCKED UP way this has all played out or how serving three months is not at all justice when not guilty men, women, and children rot in prison for lesser crimes or straight up things they did not do or the way news outlets refuse to refer to him as he is (a rapist. Say it with me, news people. RA-PIST) and simply refer to him with euphemisms instead or how it should not be portrayed as a consolation prize that this poor little swimmer boy had to register as a sex offender (because, you know, HE IS) but rather just say this: FUCK YOU, BROCK TURNER. You are an overprivileged piece of monkey shit and karma, well, she’s a bitch with an elephant memory. Forty million angry faces.

Laundry. Of course it’s on this list because it perpetually annoys me. Forty-two angry faces

The word “girlboss”. Or it’s grownup version, ladyboss. Why can’t you just be a fucking boss? Why the need to put the qualifier on it? I know it’s the name of a popular book and pop culture lexicon has seized on it but seriously. Doesn’t matter if you’re a woman or not. Just be a badass boss. Fifteen angry faces.

Facebook. Or, more specifically, the people on Facebook who ignore the fact that you exist until you post something attempting to be funny and they take it seriously for no other reason than they are completely humorless and/or get off on being contrarian. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. Go away. I don’t need that shit in my day. Twenty angry faces.

Processing fees. I like to do the things and see the things and experience the things and for many of those things, you need to buy tickets. I don’t mind paying the money. I truly don’t because I understand it costs money to put on events and the people need to get paid and all that. But for the love of fuck, why do I need to pay an extra $9 for tickets I am going to print at home? Or $8 for a pass to be mailed when a stamp costs like $.49? WHY? You tell me it’s a processing fee but you are not processing shit. I am. And how about the Broadway tickets we’re trying to buy for the child’s 10th birthday that tack on an extra $150 (yes, that’s approximately an extra $50 per ticket)?! It’s becoming cost prohibitive to have experiences. Seventy-five angry faces and 47 more for processing my anger. 

Alright, my friends. What’s bothering you this fine Thursday?

 

 

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The only parenting advice you’ll ever need

by Jana 17 Comments

I know some of you guys who read this here blog are pregnant or trying to become pregnant so in the spirit of wanting to help my fellow women out, I figured I’d drop some parenting knowledge on you since in my almost 10 years as a mother I’ve picked up a thing or two (even though much of the internet tells me I’m less of a mother because I only have the one kid but fuck them and also, I do know some shit). Hope it helps.

The single most important thing you can do as a parent is this: DO WHATEVER THE FUCK FEELS BEST AND RIGHT FOR YOUR FAMILY. 

That is it. That’s legit all you need to do. 

Breast feeding vs. bottle feeding.

Daycare vs. staying home.

Vaginal birth vs. C-section.

Jarred baby food vs. making your own.

Disposable diapers vs. cloth ones.

Comfort them vs. let them cry it out.

Private school vs. public school.

Co-sleeping vs. sleeping in a crib (although, a caveat. If you want co-sleep, please research how to do it safely. And always, always, back to sleep)

Sedan vs. minivan.

Small house vs. larger house.

Losing the baby weight right away vs. taking a long time (or never).

The list goes on and on and on and on. There are so many choices and variables to consider and most of the time, it’s difficult to pick which direction you want to go (pro parenting secret: most of it is trial and error anyway) and once you do, someone is bound to tell you you’re wrong and then spend 20 minutes pontificating on why you’re wrong. Fuck those people. They don’t live in your house.

Also, spending time on Pinterest and many of the mommy sites can be overwhelming and at some point, make you feel completely inadequate because you’re not that crafty or remember to do those “I’m 4 months old today” pictures that are trendy and all over social media (pro parenting secret: Not posting a monthly photo update is not screwing up so please, for the love of whomever you believe in, don’t beat yourself up if you forget or just simply don’t want to. You are raising or growing a human being. That is time consuming enough without having to pose for pictures). But I assure you, you’re not nor will you be. You know what you’re doing and what you want to do and once the baby is here, you will know what is right for your child even if half or more of the time it doesn’t feel that way. Seriously, more than once I looked at my daughter when she was an infant and thought “what the fuck am I doing? How badly am I screwing up right now?”

I’m sure I did plenty of things wrong. Still do. But she survived and she’s doing quite fine. Because I listened to myself, my instincts, and, as the one spending the majority of time with her, I knew what she meant when she cried (and yes, rest assured, you will eventually understand what all those different cries mean) and I learned what comforted her and made her happy and that’s what I did. And that’s what you’ll do, too. There’s a steep learning curve but you’ll get there. And you’ll be a great mom.

I PROMISE.

OH. One more thing. Your child does not have to have an Instagram ready nursery or outfits in order for you to be a great parent. Most of that shit is staged anyway.

P.S. I know I didn’t really mention dads in this post and honestly, I didn’t for a bunch of reasons. But. If the dad is around and willing to help, LET HIM. Really, if anyone is around and willing to help, let them (well, obviously within reason. Safety first). Get some fucking sleep. Eat a decent meal. Have coffee with a friend. Read a book. Just because you’re a mom now doesn’t mean you’re no longer a human being.

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