Jana Says

Living life from cover to cover

Back to Blogging: Significant songs

by Jana 8 Comments

This post is part of Alyssa’s back to blogging nonchallenge challenge. I think I got that right.

I love music. Always have, as long as I can remember. I even write about it a lot (like my playlists with Erin, a regular feature I did back when I wrote about money, and I have some other random playlists floating around, too). So when the prompt came up to list 3 song that define your life and why, I had to get on that.

I’ll say, it was hard to narrow it down. I went with 4 (because I do what I want) and while one isn’t a surprise since I mentioned it a couple of weeks ago, I’ll repeat it anyway. I also went with songs that define my life now, rather than overall because I’m a much different person than I was when I was 18 and even 30 and to use songs from back then would be fun but not necessarily accurate. However. Some of these songs have been constant in my life for the last 10 or so years so maybe what I just said isn’t entirely true. I don’t know. Music, especially good music, is timeless.

music

Song #1: Maybe by Sick Puppies
This song changed my life. I wish that were hyperbole but it’s not. It came to me during an extremely difficult time, personally and professionally, an while 2 years went by before I took the message to heart, it stayed with me the whole time. It’s like the song was giving me permission to walk away from all the horribleness and let me know that yes, it’ll be hard but things have to be hard and change before they get better.

Song #2: The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

For whatever reason, when I’m in the middle of any sort of crisis or weird situation or some sort of tough, awkward time, this song appears on the radio almost every day. I take it as a sign, like the universe is sending me a message that it’ll all be okay in the end and whatever I’m going through is temporary.

Song #3: America’s Sweetheart by Elle King

I love everything about the song. Specifically, the message. It’s amazing. Essentially it’s about embracing who you are, loving yourself, and everyone who doesn’t like you or wants you to change can fuck off.

Song #4: I’m Not Alright by Shinedown (also, Amaryllis by Shinedown. Is it cheating to have 2 songs by the same band grouped together if they’re from the same album?)

What I love about I’m Not Alright is that it gives permission to be not okay. To not be perfect, to be flawed, to be weird and quirky and that if you have a mental illness, it’s okay because it’s not the sum of who you are but the sum of all those parts make you who you are. That’s exactly how I feel about my depression. And Amaryllis is a song I listen to on my bad days; it helps give me clarity and perspective and keeps me going.

 


Song #5: Count on Me by Default

I am not a big crier but this song gets me every. Single. Time. Not even kidding, I can not listen to this song without getting choked up. I’ll tell you why, too. I heard it when I was pregnant with the child and it says exactly everything I wanted and want her to know . Everyone knows that life sucks sometimes and that there’s one person in their life who is there for them all the time, unconditionally, no questions asked, no matter what, and I want her to know that that’s me.

I’m sure I could have added to the list but we’ll just stop here. How about you guys? What songs provide the soundtrack to your life?

 

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You have my permission

by Jana 31 Comments

You know what I’ve noticed? And it’s something I am guilty of, too.

I’ve noticed that women, in general, often wait for permission to do…well, just about anything. We sit and wait for someone else’s opinions or approval before we make decisions because we’re afraid of the ramifications, whatever they may be.

I think this is bullshit.

permission-granted

So, for all the women, even though you don’t need it, if it gives you strength and confidence, you have my permission:

To express any and all opinions you wish. Someone might disagree with you but go ahead and say them anyway. Stop worrying who you offend. People take offense to everything anyway.

To wear whatever the fuck you want. And to love your body exactly the way it is. Or want to improve it. But throw that self-loathing shit out the fucking window.

To not feel pressured or forced to explain, justify, or defend your choices and decisions.

To have lofty goals and work like hell to achieve them.

To unapologetically say no to anything or anyone that makes you uncomfortable, unhappy, or you simply don’t want to do. It is not your obligation to people please or jeopardize your own comfort level to accommodate someone else.

To go back to work after you have a child. Or to stay home. No judgment here.

To leave a job, relationship, friendship, or any other situation that puts your health (physical and/or mental), safety, finances, and self-confidence at risk. If you’re afraid, there’s resources and support. Can’t find them? Reach out to me. I got your back.

To be outraged, regardless of political affiliation, that in 2016, we are still fighting the same battles for equal treatment we fought 100 plus years ago. No joke. It’s okay to be pissed about that.

To spend your money how you please. Travel, buy books, clothes, spoil your kids or pets, go back to school, start a business, save it all for retirement…whatever you choose. You earned it. You get to decide.

To live with no regrets. Yes, there will be things you wish you hadn’t done or choices you had or hadn’t made but you can’t change it. You can only learn, make amends, and move on.

To be private. To keep yourself guarded and quiet and protective of yourself and your feelings and cautious of who you let in and not share everything. Social media is not a requirement.

To do the opposite of everything in the above statement.

To watch, read, listen, or create any form of entertainment or art you want.

To ask for help when you need it. And refuse it when you don’t.

To put yourself before your kids. Seriously. I cannot stress this enough. Yes, they require care and attention, especially if they’re young, but it is FINE AND NECESSARY to take care of you, too. In fact, sometimes, taking care of you first makes you a better parent. Breaks are crucial to reset and refocus. Doing so makes you a good parent, not a bad one (Note: this can be it’s own post).

To recognize that you are capable of accomplishing absolutely anything you set your mind to. It might take awhile and you might have setbacks but you are fierce and you got this shit.

To do whatever makes you happy. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

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Friday Six-Pack: Rant ahead

by Jana 13 Comments

Friday Six Pack

    • Thank you to everyone for our Show Us Your Books birthday wishes and for participating and making the last 2 years bookish and amazing! There’s still time to enter the giveaway if you haven’t. In other reading news, I finished The Couple Next Door and started both Eileen and Adnan’s Story. Picked up nothing new from the library.
    • I know that public schools get a lot of well deserved criticism but I need to say that I’m really quite happy with my daughter’s school. Not only is she learning to code but in her reading group, they’re reading Number the Stars which, if I’m not mistaken, is often banned in schools. Where I live gets some flak for being backwoods but this shit is progressive.
    • Have you guys watched Westworld? I have mixed feelings on it thus far. Not enough to quit but enough that I’m not in love with it either.
    • Trump. Okay, if you want well-written, well-thought out posts about this misogynistic assboil, read what my girls Steph and Ali have to say. If you want a semi-inarticulate rant, keep reading. So, when I was in college, there was this guy I knew. This guy repulsive when it came to treating women, so much so that he referred to all women as “pigs”. Yup. You read that right. Pigs. And laugh about it and the guys around him laughed about it and encouraged it. Back then, I didn’t attribute it to rape culture because to be honest, it wasn’t something that registered. I just knew it was wrong and disgusting and the sight of him enraged me. And it infuriated me when the other guys would laugh and egg him on and when I’d bring up how awful it was, I’d get told “that’s just him being him”. FUCK THAT NONSENSE. It wasn’t acceptable then from a shitfuck of a fraternity boy and sure as hell isn’t acceptable from the person who wants to be the leader of this country. Allowing Trump and the guy I know persist in their actions and statements is what allows a Brock Turner to happen. And as the parent of a daughter, I cannot stand by and permit these behaviors and actions and entitlement attitudes to keep happening. Society needs to stop raising its boys and electing leaders who encourage and foster the belief that boys can do and take anything they want and girls have to just smile and accept it. Because, rest assured, my girl is NOT being raised to accept it. I am raising a force to be reckoned with. And I know plenty of other of parents are, too. I hope everyone who sits by and defends Trump and his ilk is ready for the army of girls like mine who will no longer accept it and will riot in the streets to make it stop. And those of us who can vote and start the ball rolling on affecting this change, please, use your voice wisely. (And I am not going to address the #repealthe19th that was trending the other night as a response to the “if only men voted map” because I don’t want my head to explode)
    • Confession: I am full on obsessed with Too Faced makeup. I bought the Peanut Butter and Jelly palette the other day and holy hell, is it amazing. I don’t think I’ll be able to use another brand of eye makeup for a long, long time. Also, for those who use the Better Than Sex mascara, if you have trouble getting it off with standard makeup remover, Too Faced makes a mascara dissolving pen. I haven’t tried it yet but it’s on the list. If you have used it, what do you think?
    • Song of the week: Untouchable Face by Ani DiFranco. Another college reference. Every Thursday, I would go to the Stone Balloon (RIP) for mug night ($.50 drafts? Yes, please) and there was always a cover band playing. My favorite, Tin Pan Alley, used to do this song and it’s just angry and fun and while I’m not a huge Ani DiFranco fan, I respect  and admire her and her feminist activism.

Hope you guys have a great weekend! We’ll be celebrating the husband’s birthday a little early and not too much of anything else.

 

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18 months after

by Jana 23 Comments

This post is part of Alyssa’s back to blogging nonchallenge challenge.

18-months-after

Saturday is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Up until last year, it was one of those days that went noticed but unnoticed in my life. Then my miscarriage happened and now, it’s a day that has more meaning than I’d like (you can read here for my thoughts from last year).

Since I’ve told people about it, I’ve learned that it’s way more common than I thought. Approximately 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage. One in four. That’s a lot of us. And yet we still suffer in silent pain because it’s too uncomfortable to talk about. But we need to talk about it because the only way to foster understanding is to have those frank, unpleasant discussions. Doing so minimizes stigma and opening public discourse means that those suffering can find resources and assistance and comfort to get them through the trauma.

And miscarriage is traumatic.

I didn’t quite comprehend that a year ago.

I do now.

It’s a difficult trauma to work through. More difficult than anything else I’ve had to do.

But I’m doing it. And in the year and half since my miscarriage, I’ve not only learned to work through it but I’ve learned some other things. In fact, if I could tell the me a year ago some of what I know now, here’s what I’d say:

  • There will be days you don’t think about the baby. And when you do remember, you’ll have pangs of guilt that you forgot but really, it’s okay.
  • Also okay? To honor the baby (or babies) you lost in whatever way makes you comfortable.
  • Something of that magnitude will break you. But it will also build you up and find strengths you didn’t know you had.
  • Your support systems is greater and bigger than you think.
  • It’ll be difficult, painfully, extremely difficult, to hear about pregnancies and to see pictures of healthy babies, especially ones who were born around your due date. Own your feelings about how hard it is on you and if you have to stay away from them in person or on social media, then do it. You have to protect your mental health.
  • But also, be excited for and supportive of friends who are pregnant. Maybe they’ve gone through what you’re going through.
  • You’ll find yourself more appreciative of what you do have, and you’ll find ways to live a fulfilled life.
  • You are still that baby’s mother. You will always be that baby’s mother.
  • It’s perfectly fine to talk about it if that’s what you need to do. The people who care will listen and the people who don’t can fuck off.

But most of all, I’d tell the me a year ago that today is better than yesterday. And every day gets better and easier.

If you guys remember, please light a candle on Saturday, October 15th at 7PM in your time zone in honor of all the babies gone too soon.

 

 

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Friday Six-Pack: And now it’s October

by Jana 17 Comments

And now it’s October. Things are getting crazy busy, mostly in a good way, and I’m super excited for the fall weather and yoga pants and hoodies and I’m hoping to get in at least one more beach visit before it’s too cold so I can clear my head and regroup and actually get shit done this winter.

So let’s check in with the goings on from this first week in October:Friday Six Pack

    • Had to let a few books go and only picked up one more from the library, The Couple Next Door, but I did finish 2: Adulting: How to Become a Grown-Up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps (this one is for my adulting starter kit project) and Heartbreaker: Stories (book of short stories). Both will be reviewed on Tuesday for Show Us Your Books‘ very special 2 year anniversary edition. We have giveaways to say thank you for 2 amazing bookish years! And apropos of nothing, here’s this funny:img_2934
    • Only new show I’m watching this year is Designated Survivor. I’m quite enjoying it thus far.
    • Did you guys know you could make phone calls for free using FB Messenger?! I had absolutely no idea this was an option until the other day. I’m irrationally and inexplicably overexcited about knowing this.
    • Planning travel is something that is both stressful and exciting. Since we’re headed towards the end of the year, that means it’s time to start thinking about all the places I want to go next year and also where my budget will allow. Suffice it to say, they are not in agreement and they need to be because I turn 40 next year and some serious travel needs to happen to celebrate. Definitely on the list: Dallas and Orlando (the former for a conference, the latter for cheerleading provided the girls get a bid which I’m 100% confident they will because they’re that good except I’m not allowed to give proof or I have to go to cheer jail and trust when I say I don’t want that). Possibilities: London, Alaskan cruise, the Bahamas, and Myrtle Beach. If you’ve visited any or all of these, what do you recommend? And I know some of you are either from Dallas or frequently go there so what should I keep on my radar for next year?
    • Confession: I did not watch the VP debate. Not only could I not stomach the thought of it, baseball playoffs were happening. The Orioles lost, by the way. So did my Mets. I now give zero fucks about the postseason with the caveat that I am rooting for the Cubs because 107 years is way too long of a drought. Hell, the Jews didn’t even wander the desert that long and we were LOST.
    • I have been on a huge 90s music kick this week, most notably 311, Live, and Jimmy Eat World. I also found my old iPod and discovered some songs I forgot I love, like this one from Better Than Ezra (it’s actually particularly poignant this month, given the fact that it’s Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on October 15th. I will most likely not write about this again since it’s too painful but will rerun my post from last year) Fun fact: their song “Cry in the Sun” is one of my top 5 all time favorite songs.

Ending the week with a visit with my grandmother and the child’s BFF’s birthday party, hopefully neither of which is ruined by remnants of Matthew. Hope all my Florida friends (and anyone else affected) are safe! See you guys on Tuesday for Show Us Your Books!

 

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