Jana Says

Living life from cover to cover

Everything an experienced mom wants to say to the new mom pressuring people to have kids

by Jana 18 Comments

I’m not ordinarily a fan of open letters but my panties were in such a huge bunch after reading this letter that I had to respond with one of my own.

Dear Jessica,

I’m going to assume it’s okay to call you that even though we don’t know each other because you made so many assumptions about people you don’t know that we’ll start this by leveling the playing field.

With that out of the way, I want to say, from one mom to another, congrats on your baby. Motherhood is a wild ride and I wish you only the best.

Now let me say this–how fucking dare you pass judgement on anyone who doesn’t want to have kids. That is their business, not yours. How fucking dare you attempt, with your holier than thou attitude, invalidate all their reasons not to have kids. All of the reasons you sarcastically and condescendingly dismissed are legit, completely valid reasons to not have children. And you know what else is a completely valid reason? NOT FUCKING WANTING THEM. That’s it. That’s all that it is. If someone doesn’t want to have kids, that’s fine and it’s not for you to comment on. I’ve been a mom for 10 years now and if there’s one thing I learned it’s that someone else’s uterus is none of my fucking business.

Also, I’m concerned why you care. Are you looking for mom friends? We can be friends. I’ll talk to you about all things motherhood. Are you looking for kudos that you’re a mom? Well, that you’re not going to get from me. Are you looking for content pieces that stir up controversy? To that I say, well done! Mission accomplished!

But seriously, it really shouldn’t matter to you if someone has a child or not. It is a huge responsibility and if someone doesn’t want to make that choice, it’s really not your place to push it on them. If anything, it’ll just make people hate you. I’m pretty sure that’s the last thing you want or need right now. Being a mom is hard enough without you isolating your friends or getting hate mail from strangers on the internet. And let me be clear–I do not hate you. I don’t hate someone I don’t know (usually. There are some exceptions). I do, however, take issue with most of what you wrote and I feel compelled to address it not only on my behalf but on behalf of my friends who are childfree by choice and those who are without children for other circumstances (and, if there’s any doubt I stand in solidarity with my childfree friends, you should check out these promises I made to them a few years back).

You mention that people with children are less selfish and more aware of other children and more concerned with the future. I don’t even know where to start with that. Do you know many parents? Because I do. And I can tell you that I know parents who are 100 times more selfish and less concerned for the future than a good number of my childfree (childless is a rude word, by the way) friends. I have friends who volunteer and raise money and advocate and participate in activities that work to secure a better country, world, and yes, future, for OUR kids. They don’t have to do that. But they do. And I know parents who do absolutely nothing except rely on the actions of people like my friends to protect their kids.

Interesting, right?

Also, not having a biological child doesn’t mean you have no kids in your life. Those same friends I mentioned above? Almost all of them are aunts and uncles, and some are stepparents, to kids related by blood and by choice. They show up to birthday parties and recitals and babysit and do all the things parents do. Sometimes they even do them when the parents can’t (or won’t. But we won’t discuss that). They are role models and positive influences and affect the daily lives of these kids. They appreciate baby giggles and toddler cuddles and getting school pictures and all that jazz. And, believe it or not, they are aware of the plight of all children  and want to see them live in a peaceful world as well.

Being a parent does not give you a monopoly or exclusive rights to awareness, empathy, and sympathy. 

You mention leaving a legacy as part of that sympathy so let’s address it next. I agree with you that having a kid gives you an irreplaceable legacy. But why do you assume that nonparents can’t leave one? Look at Dolly Parton. She didn’t have kids and I can assure you that what she’s done for her industry and for her hometown and yes, kids, will live on way after she’s gone. We are all connected to the future and we all want to leave behind something better than what we were given. Not just parents.

Okay. Moving on to happiness. This topic is so broad that I could probably devote an entire website to it but rather than do that, I want to tell you this–being a parent doesn’t make you more or less happy than your friends who aren’t. It makes you differently happy. I don’t care what. “research” says. You cannot compare the two. There is a different joy that comes with seeing your kid walk for the first time than going to that amazing new restaurant. There is a different pleasure you derive from seeing your kid perform than seeing your favorite band. There is a different happiness you get from having your kid see Cinderella’s castle in person than hopping that last minute flight to London. I could go on but you seem smart so I won’t. But let me be clear–different does not mean less. It simply means different. And that is absolutely fine.

One final thing. I agree with you that parenting changes your perspective on the world. Being a parent means that you have to think about and focus on events and situations and make choices not only based on how they affect you but how they affect that tiny person you’re responsible for. It’s a lot of fucking pressure. It certainly isn’t fun most days, particularly those grueling newborn days. But it’s rewarding and wonderful and challenging and crazy and interesting and a choice I’m so glad I made. I believe you feel the same way. HOWEVER. It’s not for you to peer pressure someone else into doing it because parenthood is the best choice you made. It’s wrong. And offensive.

Before I sign off, I want to give you this pro parenting tip: Just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you lose yourself. Being “mom” doesn’t mean you cease being “Jessica”. It’s important now, more than ever, to make sure you stay connected to your friends, family, and hobbies. Especially since your husband is overseas and you live far away from family, it’s crucial to do what you can to stay active and engaged with others. Bring your daughter along! Trust when I say that most people don’t mind if your daughter comes to lunch or to a Netflix binge. Yes, you might have to pause for a diaper change or a feeding but if it’s a true friend, they won’t care. And those are the people you’re going to need the most. But if your attitude towards them is the same one you portray in that letter, they’ll leave you. I guarantee it.

So, that’s it. I hope, if anything, you’ve learned that passing judgement on someone else’s reproductive choices is bullshit. Doing so deepens the divide and really, it accomplishes nothing. You need to be happy with your choice and let others be happy with theirs.

Love,

Jana

 

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Through the decades, 1970s style: A Jana and Erin playlist

by Jana 6 Comments

A lot happened in the 70s. Some of it good, some of it bad, some of it in the middle. However, most notable is the fact that this is the decade in which Erin and I were both born! Yay for 70s babies! Granted I have approximately zero memories and I don’t think Erin’s are that clear but still. WE WERE THERE.

Playlist

You know what else was there? Great music. The dawn of punk, the dawn of rap, the abomination of disco, the big sounds of arena rock and so much more. In fact, this was the most difficult playlist we’ve put together because we seriously didn’t know where to stop. This is actually our biggest playlist at 39 songs (and that’s with leaving off a lot) and we’ve linked to the whole list at the bottom, with our favorites highlighted below.

Enjoy!

“Closer to the Heart”–Rush. As you all know, this is Jana’s favorite band. Picking one song was a challenge but this one was selected specifically because of the poignancy and significance and relevance to the current state of politics in the US. (ex., And the men who hold high places must be the ones who start. To mold a new reality. Closer to the heart.)

“Dream On”–Aerosmith. There are A LOT of 70s Aerosmith songs that I (Erin) love, but the quintessential song that still gives me goosebumps that still has a powerful message “Dream until your dreams come true”

“Prelude/Angry Young Man”–Billy Joel. Like Rush and Aerosmith, HOW DO YOU PICK JUST ONE?! Well, you pick one with his incredible piano playing that’s also fun to sing along to and one you never, ever tire of hearing.

“Dance the Night Away”–Van Halen. Again, A LOT, because I’m (Erin) a DLR fan over Van Hager fan and this one started my love of “rock music that you can dance to”.

“Who Are You?”–The Who. So, it’s one of my parents’ favorite stories to tell about me (Jana) and how I used to walk around at the age of 3 or 4 singing this song. Specifically, the “who? who?” part, like a fucking owl. Also fun to know is that they say “who the fuck are you” in the song so it’s pretty evident where my love of that particular word comes from.

“Crazy on You”–Heart. Heart Those fucking Wilson sisters broke so many glass ceilings proving that women rock just as hard as men (we actually have a whole badass women playlist. The Wilson sisters are on it. Obviously).

“Bat Out of Hell”–Meatloaf. I (Jana) probably should have picked Paradise by the Dashboard Light because it’s one of my all time favorite songs but this one is like the opening line from The Martian. It’s unforgettable and makes a statement you never forget.

“Strutter”–KISS. So many Kiss songs are more well known, but I love this little gem of a song. Fun fact: my Paul Stanley doll was my (Erin) favorite doll as a kid for a while.

“Bohemian Rhapsody”–Queen. Arguably one of the greatest songs ever written. It is still original and unique 40+ years later. Fun fact: It’s the only song that was a duplicate from both of our lists. Another fun fact: I (Jana) think of Wayne’s World when I hear it. Every. Single. Time.

“Already Gone”–Eagles. I’ve (Erin) explained the significance before, but I’ll say it again – after living in a turbulent relationship, getting married at 19 (with no business doing so), I packed up my white Honda Civic at the age of almost-21 and left that asshole.  When I pulled out of the drive-way, I opened the sunroof, and this song started.  Tears streamed down my face as I sang it at the top of my lungs.  It is “my victory song”.

“Horse with No Name”–America. My (Jana) victory song is not from the 70s but here’s another embarrassing story about me instead. I called this the camel song for years. No real clue why. Just did.

“Hot Child in the City”–Nick Gilder. You know how some random memories from childhood are still so vivid?  I (Erin) have a vivid memory of standing on my swing on our backyard swing set singing the song aloud for all the neighbors to hear. (Jana’s note: glad to know I wasn’t the only weird ass child).

“Good Hearted Woman”–Willie Nelson. He IS Texas to me (Erin)

Okay, so now that you have the highlights, here’s the whole list. Let us know what songs from the 70s you enjoy and we should add!

 

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Plum Paper planner review

by Jana 9 Comments

I had been wanting one of those fancy planners for years now. YEARS. I never bought one because I couldn’t justify the cost to myself. It’s a planner, for fuck’s sake. A place to write things down. But then I fell victim to all the pretty pictures on Instagram and Kathy’s posts about her planners and Kristen’s post about hers and I thought, you know what? Treat. Yo. Self. So I did. And I bought a Plum Paper planner.

I don’t ordinarily do product reviews because, let’s face it, no one cares how I use my planner but Kathy asked for one and so here we go. If you’re bored, send her all the hate mail.

Ordering

The ordering process could not have been easier. The website is functional and simple to use and there are a ridiculous amount of choices. SO MANY CHOICES. You can customize your planner however you want and the company is upfront about the pricing (it can get quite pricey if you’re not careful). There’s also coupon codes all over the internets if you’re inclined to look for one (I was). I hated paying for shipping but what can you do?

What I got

Anyone else singing that Sublime song now?

I wound up ordering a 14 month planner with extra notes pages not only in each month but a whole bunch at the end, too. One of the biggest reasons I opted to buy this kind of planner was for simplicity. I’m tired of having 8 billion notebooks and never being able to find what I need in them or on the dozens of sticky notes littering my desk. I figured condensing it all into one place would help keep me more organized and less lost, particularly when it comes to blog post topics or work related information.

Blue and purple polka dots. The most perfectly Jana pattern that ever was.
Blue and purple polka dots. The most perfectly Jana pattern that ever was.

 

In a moment of ambition, I also added a 12 month fitness tracker. I have to consciously remember to use it on a regular basis and I feel like this is going to be the only part of the planner I regret adding.

False ambition is present on this page.
False ambition is present on this page.

What came standard in the planner was not only some pockets to hold paperwork (like my daughter’s competition schedule because god knows I have to keep that thing in 9 different places and in as many forms), contacts and passwords pages, and, at the beginning of the month, a highlights page to write down goals, important dates/events, and things to remember. I feel like it’s a bit repetitious for how I already use my planners, and I’m awful at writing down goals, but it’s a nice thing to have in the event I want to start doing it. I do love the tabs separating each month so no worrying about pesky binder clips or paper clips or dogearing pages to know where I am.

I ordered the larger, 8 x 11 planner instead of the smaller one. It doesn’t fit in my purse but I have a shit ton of room to write my notes and to-do lists and appointments and all the other things I need to remember, and that’s more important to me than portability. I also opted for both the monthly and weekly (horizontal. None of that vertical, column shit) views as I like to be able to look at the month on the whole and then break it down.

The pros

I absolutely adore all the notes pages! It’s working exactly as I’d anticipated and while I love a good notebook, this works better for the way I function. Having the monthly and weekly views is something I had with my previous planner and I can’t see ever going back to just monthly or just weekly. I love all the room to write my to-do lists or phone numbers I need to call (if they’re not already in my phone) and the space at the top gives me a place to write post topic ideas for the week or reminders for the week or whatever else comes to mind that isn’t tied to a specific day.

Please excuse my piss poor photo skills.
Please excuse my piss poor photo skills.

It is also helpful to have a place to write down contact info and passwords, especially passwords, since I forget them pretty easily. I know you’re not supposed to write them down but my planner isn’t leaving my house so I’m not worried about anyone stealing them. Plus, if someone wants my information, they’re going to be insanely disappointed. I’m quite boring.

I also like that, should I ever figure out a way to use the stickers I’ve bought in a way that makes sense, there’s plenty of space to do that without interfering with what I need to write down. I don’t like when information gets all smushed on top of itself. Sort of defeats the purpose.

The cons

It weighs a fucking ton. And due to the size, it’s cumbersome to move around and flip pages and all that, unless it’s laid out completely flat rather than folded in half which is annoying, especially when I’m writing my daily to-do lists in advance. I need to know what I’ve planned for Monday when I’m planning on Thursday and if it’s laid out flat, the binding gets in the way but flipping it is like a fucking workout so finding a middle ground is taking some effort. I think it’s because I definitely went overboard with adding on pages and underestimated just how big it was going to be. That’s my fault, though, not the fault of the company. Next time, I’ll leave out the fitness tracker pages, probably back off a bit on the notes pages, and only do a 12 month planner. I might also move down to the smaller sized one but at this point, I doubt it.

Big ass monster planner
Big ass monster planner

Besides that, the main complaint, and it’s petty, is that I prefer gel ink pens and they can get smudgy on the pages. It might be the paperstock, it might be my pens. I don’t know. It’s a bit annoying to have to switch pens when I’m writing in the planner but it’s such a first world problem and I’ll deal.

What does it all mean?

Well, right now, it means that I have a very large, very heavy planner that I’m very happy with. I think I might try some bullet journaling (should I remember but let’s face it, that’s highly unlikely) with some of the extra notes pages. I paid for them; I want to use them. Same with the fitness tracker. I’m thinking I might wait until January to start using it because why not wait? Starting now would be ridiculous. I might also try to use some stickers that I’ve bought (damn you, Michael’s and your sales and coupons and my impulse purchases) and make the planner functional AND pretty.

We’ll see how it all goes.

Do you guys have any tips or suggestions for me for using the planner or prettying it up? 

 

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Friday Six Pack: The week before Thanksgiving

by Jana 8 Comments

Friday Six Pack

    • Currently reading The Mothers and Truly Madly Guilty. DNF The Summer That Melted Everything. Picked up All is Not Forgotten. 
    • After some serious technological fuckery, Steph and I finally made it through a recording of The Armchair Librarians. We discussed The Couple Next Door, and the episode will release next Friday so you have something to listen to while you avoid Black Friday shopping or while you drive from store to store. We’re here for you either way.
    • Also in book news, I have a books column over at my friends’ site, Adulting, and my first post went live this week. It’s a big list of influential books, mostly of the business and personal development variety. I’m planning to do a second one like this but with influential novels. I will be turning to you guys for help. I know you won’t let me down.
    • I will not talk about the post-election bullshit. I will not talk about the post-election bullshit. Oh, fuck that. Yes. I will. Because appointing an anti-Semitic, racist, misogynistic, xenophobe as the chief White House strategist is not something I take lightly. I mean, HOW MUCH BIGGER CAN THIS DUMPSTER FIRE GET? At what point does it stop? I am genuinely fearful for this country, not from external threats but from internal ones. Specifically, the ones with authority. And not only is Steve Bannon (who, to be fair, might not actually be those things but merely associated with them because of Breitbart but let’s be honest, you don’t run a company like that without agreeing with its message on some level) now the co-top level adviser to someone wildly unqualified for the job to which he’s been elected, that kind of appointment speaks to the kind of country this administration is going to create. I tried to be hopeful that it was just blowhard rhetoric to garner support. Clearly I was wrong. And while I am never ashamed of my heritage, I have never been so thankful to have a non-ethnic last name. It shouldn’t be like that. Not here, not anywhere.
    • Okay. Now we need to lighten things up. Have a funny (I mean, besides all the Biden/Obama memes. That shit is priceless and I cannot pick my favorite because they are all SO GOOD):fullsizerender-45
    • Song of the week. It was hard to pick one. I went back and forth between picking one that makes me genuinely happy and one that’s meaningful and inspirational because, let’s face it, we need both. So I went with a Breaking Benjamin oldie, “I Will Not Bow”, because it does both for me and I think I’m like a month overdue for a BB song anyway.

Hope you all have a great weekend! I’m going to my very first Coach/Thirty-One Bingo event and I’m quite excited since it’s been on my unofficial 40 by 40 list for a long time. I’ll also be prepping my house for Thanksgiving and visiting with some friends and family. I’ll see you back on Tuesday with my Plum Paper planner review!

 

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3 Tricks for Achieving Your Goals

by Jana 10 Comments

Jana’s note: I’m working on improving my goal achieving prowess. I’m pretty good at setting them. Achieving them? Well, that’s not always as easy because sometimes I get bored and stop or get frustrated and stop or life gets in the way and I stop. The tips in this post are quite helpful for someone like me and I plan to use them as I continue working through some of my goals in progress. Also, if you’re a resolution setter, with the new year approaching, these are some solid tips to help you not quit those, either.

3-tricks-for-achieving-your-goals

Many of us fail at achieving our goals. We go through life with a myriad of goals, only to achieve some and not others. When this was happening to me, I became frustrated. I knew there had to be a way to better achieve all my goals. I read books and listened to others to see if I could figure out the secret ingredient to hitting my goals.

In time, I realized that there was no secret ingredient that would magically help me achieve all my goals. But that doesn’t mean I gave up.

Through much trial and error, I found 3 things that have helped me with achieving my goals. In this post, I share them with you in hopes that you too can start attaining more of your goals too.

#1. Break Them Into Smaller Steps

No matter what your goal is, I want you to write it down. Leave some space underneath it so you can add some information. Do this for all your goals. Your next step is to now figure out how to break that goal into smaller goals. The key here is to make a bunch of smaller goals so that as you hit them, you will be motivated to keep going and eventually reach your big goal.

For example, a couple years ago I wanted to pay off my student loans. At the time, the balance was $20,000. For me, seeing this huge number overwhelmed me. I thought that there was no way I could pay off that debt. As I made my monthly payment and saw the balance drop by $100, the goal seemed even more insurmountable.

But then I did what I am telling you here. I broke this goal into small goals. My first small goal was to get the debt down to $15,000. The next goal was $10,000 and then $5,000. Suddenly, I had more motivation to pay off my debt.

Instead of focusing on $20,000 I focused on $5,000. Just pay off $5,000 I kept telling myself. I created a separate spreadsheet and tracked my payments. Seeing me progress towards my goal excited me and motivated me to keep going.

After I hit $5,000 I began all over again, trying to hit $5,000 a second time.

This trick helped me to pay off that debt in just under two years. Each time I hit my smaller goals, I celebrated by going to dinner to my favorite restaurant. So take some time and figure out how you can break your large goal into a smaller set of goals and then celebrate when you hit them.

#2. Keep Your Goals In Front Of You

Another trick I found to help me stay motivated was to keep my goals in front of me. Too many times I would write my goals down in a notebook, close it and not look at it again for months. When I would open the notebook a few months later, I would see my goals and be like “oh, yeah, I did have that goal”. I was a victim to the old saying, “out of sight, out of mind”.

To overcome this, I started to keep my goals out where I can see them. On my desk and computer monitor is a number. To most people who see it, they just see a number. But to me, that number equals freedom. It is my number for financial freedom, the net worth that allows me to retire and live life differently.

Of course, there are some goals you don’t want on your desk for everyone to see. Luckily, there are various things you can use here to get this trick to work.

  • Put sticky notes on your mirror in the bathroom.
  • Put a reminder in your phone and set it to send the reminder to you at various increments.
  • Make the goal your lock screen on your phone.
  • Use a free tool like FutureMe. It allows you to write yourself a note and pick a date in the future to send it to you.
  • Tell friends and family so they can bring up your goal in conversation.

#3. Use The Power Of Visualization

One underrated trick is to use the power of visualization to your advantage. Many professional athletes use it all the time. Basketball players envision shots going through the basket. Soccer players envision their kick getting past the goal keeper.

But you don’t have to be an athlete to use this trick. I use visualization all the time. Every day I take a little time to be by myself. I close my eyes and visualize my goals in detail. For a while, I was visualizing our dream house.

I got so good at this visualization I could see little details, like blades of grass. Doing this exercise helped me to stay motivated to keep saving for our down payment and to keep looking when it seemed like all the good houses were everywhere but where we wanted to live.

You too can use visualization. Look at your goals and start picturing life with the goal being met. I used visualization for my student loan debt too.

I pictured my life without the student loan debt. I felt the weight off of my shoulders. I pictured how I could use that money for investing or saving for a dream vacation. Doing this motivated me to keep pushing through the tough times and pay off the debt once and for all.

Final Thoughts

In the end, I can’t guarantee that using these 3 tricks will help you reach your goals. But you won’t reach your goals unless you keep trying to find something that motivates you to keep pushing forward. I’ve been using these for a couple of years now and have told friends about them too.

Many of my friends tell me today how they visualize all the time now. They also tell me how breaking their goals into smaller pieces really helps them push through the long road that they had to travel down to reach their goals.

I encourage you to give these a try and start experiencing what I have already experienced – reaching your goals more often than not.

About Jon: Jon writes at Breath of Optimism, a website where he helps people think positively and be the best person they can be. You can also find his motivational quotes on Pinterest.

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