Brace yourselves. It’s a Jana rant and ramble coming full speed ahead.

It’s been almost 2 weeks since my last post. Some of that is due to laziness, some of it is due to end-of-summer-let’s-cram-in-everything-possible madness, and some of it is due the absolute endless dumpster fire that is this country. My brain is on fire, my soul aches, my patience is gone, my blood is hot, and I continually feel every emotion possible EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’ve been trying to work out the words to explain my thoughts and feelings but each time I try, I come away in tears and have to stop. You guys. I’m Jewish. Never in my life have I been this scared to be a Jew in this country. Have I dealt with ignorance and idiots and a lack of understanding and been treated like a freak on display? Absolutely, yes, constantly and still to this day. And I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been told “you don’t look Jewish”. But that doesn’t matter. Because when I can watch the news and actually utter the phrase “I’ve never been so glad to have a non-Jewish sounding last name”, you know American anti-Semitism (yes, WordPress. It’s a real fucking word and the hyphen is supposed to be there. Stop with the red squiggly line yelling at me that I’m wrong) has reached a new level. Is it on par with the hate and vitriol other groups receive? Not in the least. I still have the comfort of white skin and I acknowledge that. But if something isn’t done, AND SOON, I don’t know how much longer I can say that. We’re all at risk in one way or another and if I’m being honest, arresting and charging the neo-Nazi featured on that VICE news segment isn’t going to help anything. It will fuel their already white hot hate fire. I’m not saying he should get away with anything; I’m just saying we need to brace ourselves for backlash. This isn’t a man who’s going to turn to his followers and say “do the right thing”. This is a man who’s going to turn to his followers and say “do the right thing”. 

We all know they have very different meanings. 

And the worst part is we have an unqualified man in a position of leadership who, instead of using that position to heal, uses it DAILY to divide and spread his hateful agenda. We all know this. And we all know why. He’s doing it because he aspires to be a fascist tyrant rather than a leader. He hurls insults and temper tantrums at anyone and everyone who doesn’t kiss his ass or even attempts to express slightly different opinion.  We all know that he wants to go to war because he wants his turn. He’s jealous of the praise and accolades heaped on Obama before, during, and after his presidency, and the man occupying that chair now can’t handle it. He wants it for himself, no matter how undeserving, and he’s obsessed with popularity rather than actually doing his fucking job. He doesn’t care how many people he has to hurt, harm, or isolate to get his way. He’s a spoiled petulant hateful child with anger issues, a lack of compassion and now, nuclear codes and the overt support of white supremacists with whom he sympathizes. 

Not sure which one is worse. 

While my anger continues to simmer, I have gotten to the point of oversaturation. I can’t stop consuming news and information because I need to know. I want to know. I HAVE TO KNOW what’s happening because my concern is that if I stop paying attention, I’ll miss something crucial. But it never ever fucking stops. We never get a rest or reprieve. Hell, even as I write this, we’re dealing with the fallout from his Arizona speech, the transgender military ban, and an active shooter in downtown Charlestown.  My brain cannot take one more detail or one more issues to be angry about but how do you stop when the world around you is burning down and while you might have a small platform, you still have a voice and a space to do something about it even if that something is vent so others don’t feel like they’re alone?

I guess, like an oversaturated towel, you wring yourself out, dry off a bit and get back to work. 

That’s pretty much where I am now. But I don’t know how to do that. Talking about the mundane, unimportant things like the fact that I ate probably the most delicious donut of my life last weekend feels like I’m neglecting what I should be talking about but at the same time, I can’t live in this cesspool all the time. It’s not healthy. I have to talk about other things. I have to maintain sanity because if I lose my shit, if I can’t stay informed and vigilant, I’m useless. 

I know I’ll figure it out. 

Eventually. 

And if you have any tips or suggestions, I’m all ears. 

P.S. Does anyone else have this go through their head every time 45 opens his mouth?