Jana Says

Living life from cover to cover

Rules for conducting a peaceful budget meeting

by Jana 16 Comments

This post is a part of Women’s Money Week 2012. For even more posts about budgeting, visit womensmoneyweek.com.

My husband and I have very different styles of managing money. I am the type who will spend an hour looking for missing pennies in our checkbook and he is the type who doesn’t even know where the checkbook is. I am the type who tracks our bills and he is the type who doesn’t even know how to login to our accounts. I am the type who knows exactly how much money we have and he is the type who can’t remember when he gets paid. In other words, we have completely different styles of handling money.

This makes for interesting discussions, particularly around our budget. Actually, our different styles are exactly why we avoided having a budget for so long. Every time we’d discuss money, he’d get upset that…well, I’m not sure what he’d get upset about, but he got mad. Then I’d get angry because I could not, for the life of me, understand how someone could know so little about their own finances. And we’d yell. Loudly. And a lot. For a long time. Then we’d have to go to our own corners and calm down. Unfortunately, the end result was two angry people and no budget.

It got to the point, though, that we needed a budget. Whatever we were doing wasn’t working for us and we had to make some radical changes. Which we did. But more than that, we had to figure out how to talk about money and creating a budget without fighting. To do that, we came up with some ground rules:

  1. Schedule a specific time. Rather than just spring talks about our budget on each other, we agreed that if we needed to talk about it, we’d have to call an official budget meeting. A specific date and time would be set, and we had to be sure to clear our schedule to do it. The only off limit times were Saturday nights (date night) and any day after 9:00 PM (I can’t get that stressed or worked up before I go to bed).
  2. Bring an agenda. Whoever calls the meeting must develop an agenda. Just saying “we need to talk about our budget” is not sufficient. This is what leads to fights. Now, we must detail which specific parts of our budget we need to discuss, revisit, refine or redo. It’s helped cut down on the fighting if we know exactly what we’re discussing instead of having an open conversation.
  3. Check the attitude at the door. My husband has a tendency to get…condescending when we talk about our budget. I’m not sure why since I’m the one that’s been handling it for the last 12 years. For some reason, he gets really rude at time which makes me furious. So we’ve come to an agreement that he will not behave that way and if he does, I can point it out without him getting pissy. On the other side of that, I promise not to get snippy if he asks stupid questions.
  4. Accept that we’re there for the same purpose. The point of a budget meeting is for us to discuss our finances and figure out how to create a budget that best fits our life. We both want to make our money work for us in the most effective manner possible. The only way to do that is for the both of us to (calmly) discuss how and on what we’re spending our money and where we need to make changes. If we come to the meeting wanting to “win” instead of resolve or build consensus, we might as well manage our finances separately.
  5. Don’t take anything personally. And don’t make it personal. It frustrates me to no end that my husband doesn’t take a more proactive role in our daily finances. Although I’m working to accept it, I sometimes may get a little upset if he innocently questions something that I do to manage our money or makes a suggestion that I know would never, ever work. I might take it as a slight to me or my abilities. I’ve had to learn that it’s not a personal attack on me; he really doesn’t understand what goes into keeping our budget intact.

With those ground rules in place, creating and maintaining our budget has been substantially less stressful. We now have a budget that works for our family which is essential for making sure we stay out of debt (it took approximately 5 years to get there.  I have no desire to go back). And should we need to revise the budget, we can do it without screaming. Which is essential for everyone.

Married people need side hustles too

by Jana 17 Comments

(Before reading the post, read the title again but this time, sing it to Samantha Fox’s “Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)”. Makes it better, right?)

The Single Saver recently wrote a post that discussed why single people need a side hustle. I totally agree with her. Having that extra income does make numerous situations facing single people significantly easier.  But I need to add that married people need a side hustle, too.

As one half of a married couple, I’m the first one to admit that married people, overall, have an easier time financially. If both partners are employed, that’s double the income which means more money to cover the bills that single people generally have to absorb on their own. And, if the couple can manage to avoid the lifestyle creep that tends to happen with increased income, it is possible for a family to live on one income and save the other (this hasn’t happened in my house but from what I understand, it can happen). These certainly give a married couple a significant benefit over a single person.

However, married couples do face similar challenges of single people. Married couples still need to pay bills and eat and save. We still need to pay a mortgage or rent. We still have pets and kids to take care of (well, some of us do). But even more than that, having side hustles helps married couples in a number of ways:

  • Debt repayment. Two people sometimes means double the debt, either individual debt that’s brought into a relationship or debt that was accumulated together. In my relationship, we had both. We each entered the marriage with our own debt and then accumulated even more together. The fact that both of us had part-time jobs enabled us to pay down our individual and collective debt that much faster.
  • Disposable income. At the beginning of our marriage, and for many years afterwards, we had very little income to go around. Almost everything we earned went straight to our debt repayment as well as our normal monthly bills. Every once and while, we’d work an odd job that we designated as our fun money. We’d use it to treat ourselves to a movie or to dinner.  Now that we’re pretty much consumer debt free, it’s nice to have that extra income to put towards savings or retirement.
  • Income insurance. Not in the sense of car insurance or homeowner’s insurance but insurance in the event that one person loses his (or her) full-time job for whatever reason (layoff, medical reason, injury). For instance, if my husband were to lose his job, he still has his part-time job that provides a decent amount of income. The additional income that he brings in would soften the blow of losing his full-time income.
  • Death. Spouses die. It’s a fact. If a spouse dies, expectedly or unexpectedly, the financial consequences can be damaging (this is also why life insurance is so important and I’m yet again reminded that I really need to get some) especially if the spouse that dies is the higher income earner. That extra income can help offset the financial stress.
  • Relationship problems. Speaking from experience, spouses cheat. There is nothing worse than the feeling that you can’t leave a relationship that you are unhappy with because you can’t afford it. By having a side hustle, or part-time job, it’s possible to build up a savings account or have the extra income necessary to leave. I don’t necessarily advocate this as an option but sometimes, a relationship cannot be salvaged. Having the financial means to terminate the relationship provides necessary peace of mind.
As The Single Saver points out, side hustles and part-time income are not intended to replace full-time income; they are merely a supplement. But sometimes that supplemental income can provide a vital lifeline in extenuating, and not so extenuating, circumstances. 

Readers: If you’re married or in a relationship, what do you think of having a side hustle or part-time job? Do you have one? How do you use the money? 

Being a mother does not need a salary. Stop giving us one.

by Jana 38 Comments

It’s not often that I get fired up about any particular topic. But when I do, I fly hot. So sit back and hold on because this is one of those times. Note: I am fully prepared for some of you to disagree with me. That is fine. I welcome dissenting opinions. But please be respectful. Any personal attacks, threats, or nastiness that goes above and beyond common social courtesy and decency will be deleted.

I hate blog posts that break down the value of a stay at home mom (or working moms, though working moms usually get part-time salaries). I hate them for many reasons. First of all, all of those jobs that are used (chauffeur, doctor, personal chef, psychiatrist, etc)? Are bullshit. They are all part and parcel of being a mom and to break them down into separate components essentially eliminates the role of a mother. Why do writers feel the need to compartmentalize the complex and sophisticated job of a mother in order to attach a dollar figure? It’s ridiculous.

How do they even come up with these job titles anyway? Do they sit down and think about everything that they believe a mom should be doing in her day and equate some random profession to it? Do they have a master list that they use and think “Hmm. This could fit. Let’s add that!” And the salaries that they attach to some of the “jobs” are just as insane as assigning the job titles. “Mom” is enough of a title; just that word alone conjures up a specific job description. There’s no need to assign anything else to it.

And while we’re on the subject of money, why does the title of mom even need a salary? Speaking as a mother, being someone’s mother cannot be attached to any sort of salary. There is no way I can put a price tag on the look my daughter gives me when she says “I love you, Mommy” or the time we spend reading books, playing games or even arguing about her going to bed. How can you quantify something that is not quantifiable? I don’t care how many “finance experts” tell me that when I’m talking to my daughter about a problem with her friend, I’m acting as a psychiatrist. I’m not. I don’t charge her by the minute or make her lie down on the couch. No, I sit there and listen to her and I don’t expect any sort of financial compensation in return. Why? I’m her mother. That’s what I’m supposed to do.

Let’s move on from the money aspect for a moment. I may be completely oversensitive (which is actually true) but I find those types of posts to be a slap in the face to working moms. A mother who works outside the home is no less valuable to her family than a mother who stays home. Working in an office or store or in a courtroom or wherever does not make those moms exempt from cooking, cleaning/laundry, helping with homework, driving kids to activities. They still do all of those things for their kids, they just do them in a more compressed time frame.  Sometimes, just sometimes , maybe working moms understand what precious few hours they have with their kids and use that for quality time rather than taking advantage of it. How is that not valuable to their families? (And, yes, I know a lot of SAHMs who spend way less quality time with their kids than working moms as well as the other way around.)

But I think what really fires me up the most is the fact that when bloggers and finance experts write those kinds of posts, it deepens the already large divide between working moms and SAHMs. I am convinced that the media-created “Mommy Wars” were constructed to sell books and make for good headlines. The Mommy Wars does nothing but fuel jealousy and competitiveness amongst women. We already do that enough to ourselves. Why do we need the media manufacturing something else to make it worse? We don’t, and I wish a lot of these people would back off. Because no one wins. No matter what, some moms are going to feel superior and some are going to feel guilty.I’m tired of women having to feel like they have to explain whatever decision they’ve made and I’m even more disgusted with the shame that is often attached to those decisions. Why is that? It’s wrong and it’s sickening. No one should ever have to defend her choice and what’s best for her family to anyone else.

Like in the 1% vs. 99% debate, neither side is completely right. Every woman has to choose what works best for her family. If that means staying home, great! If that means working outside the home, great!  But for finance writers and bloggers to quantify, or assign a salary to, the job of mother (SAHM or working) is wrong and insulting. Because no matter what, we all add value to our families in ways that go beyond dollar signs.

Choosing a school. It’s not just for college anymore.

by Jana 25 Comments

This is exactly what they used to pick the names. How's that for modern technology?

A few weeks ago, my family piled into our car at roughly 9:00 AM to sit in a smelly elementary school gymnasium to find out if my daughter was selected, via lottery, to attend a charter school in our area. We knew that our odds were iffy because a) it’s the only charter school in our area; b) it’s one of the best schools in the state; and c) it’s free. Everyone who can enter his or her child in the lottery does, making our chances ever slimmer. But little did we know that of the 132 spots available, only 76 spots would be left up for grabs. When you add that into the fact that about 300 people entered their kids in the lottery (just for kindergarten), our chances looked pretty grim.

Needless to say, my daughter didn’t get in. She’s 9th on the waiting list. Which, compared to some people who are 136 or higher, is pretty good. If 10 families screw up, we’re in! How exciting! Because I cannot rely on the mistakes of others, I have to pursue other avenues. For instance, school choice. We have school choice in our state but the schools I wanted to choice my daughter into are full and not accepting choice students. So onto the next few options: move, send her to our local public school, which sits squarely in the worst district in the state, or fork over the money for private school. Moving is our first choice (because that means we can actually send her to public school) but again, we have to rely on others. So, in the event that we can’t sell our house before school starts, we have to go with the private school option. And that doesn’t make me happy.

Why? Because the cost of private school is ridiculous. Or at least the one we’re trying for (the others have a price tag higher than in-state tuition at our local university. No, thank you). After paying $100 just to have her application reviewed, I had the privilege of taking her to an hour long evaluation to find out if she’s even acceptable for the school. If she is, then I get to pay a $400 deposit followed by over $7000 in tuition for the school year. That’s just the tip of the iceberg, too. If we want her to take the bus, we have to pay and the fee for that is determined by how far away we live from the school. And, if I can’t adjust my hours at work, we’re going to have to pay for aftercare (we get to skate with beforecare because my husband will be able to drive her. Hooray for small victories!).

That doesn’t include uniforms, supplies, books and whatever else they feel I need to pay for. And I’ll pay for everything they tell me to. I don’t care what it costs. My daughter’s education is worth it to me. It just makes me sad that the public schools where I live are so bad that sending her to them isn’t even an option. I’m not exaggerating either. I know lots of people who are in the same position or have moved simply because of the schools. It’s appalling and hurts me that our public schools can’t provide a good education for my child.

I am a huge proponent of public schools. I am a product of them. From elementary school through graduate school, I went to a public institution. And I’m really proud of the education I received. The fact that, without moving to a different district and out of our house (which we want to anyway but that’s another post), my daughter can’t have that bothers me tremendously. But when I live in a district that would rather turn down money for improvements than comply with the rules to receive that money, it’s time for other plans.

Situations like this make me glad that our consumer debt is gone. If we were still paying all that money, there’s no way we could afford this alternative situation. While this absolutely throws a monkey wrench in our savings plan, it’s a necessity for us. And I’ll deal with it. However, I’m hoping that it’s only temporary and we’ll only have to do it for one year (well, ideally, we’ll sell the house before school starts). But if something happens and it turns into a 12 year event, I’ll be okay. She just better get a hell of a good college scholarship.

 

Now that I’m a mom, I can…

by Jana 23 Comments

Moms, myself included, spend an awful lot of time pining for the things we used to do before our kids were born. My favorite list (including the comments) was from People I Want to Punch in the Throat. To say it’s comprehensive and completely accurate is an understatement (oh, and it’s also hilarious).  But after I read it, I starting thinking of all the things I can do now that I have a kid:

  1. Never have to spend time with people I don’t like. If someone you don’t like invites you to hang out, your kid provides the best excuse. As in “I’m sorry but a babysitter just isn’t in our budget” rather than “there’s no way in hell I’m spending any more time with you than absolutely necessary”. This also works for weddings, birthday parties and general get togethers.
  2. Have someone to blame for every broken item in the house. This is especially handy in a house with older kids, mainly boys. I’m particularly clumsy and it’s just easier to blame the kid than to admit yes, I snapped the handle off of that toy.
  3. Buy only little kid snack foods. Because they taste so much better than adult snack foods.  
  4. Lie. All the time. My kid asks the most ridiculous questions and half the time, I’m not smart enough to answer them. So I lie.
  5. Know where every public bathroom within a 10 mile radius of my house is located. Now when I need to go and I’m not quite close enough to home to wait, I don’t have to. I know which ones are cleanest and which ones don’t make me feel guilty if I don’t purchase something when I’m there.
  6. Go to kids’ movies without looking creepy. It’s no secret around here that I love The Muppets. It’s also no secret that I took the day off so I could go see the new movie the day it came out. Had I gone alone, I’m sure I would have received the stink eye. Bringing the kid made it acceptable.
  7. Sing along to cartoons. And admit that some of the songs are good.
  8. Walk out of the house wearing mismatched clothes, covered in shmutz, looking like I haven’t slept in 3 days. Because, you know, I haven’t.
  9. Change a diaper in under a minute and on any surface. I once changed my daughter’s diaper on the floor of an airplane. I think I set a record for quickest diaper change. Ever.
  10. Give you the name of every Disney princess. I can also tell you who her prince is and what color dress she wears. This is essential information.
  11. Hate Elmo. If you’ve never had a toddler, you may still think that Elmo is cute, cuddly and entertaining. It’s almost blasphemous not to like him. But let me assure he’s not what he seems. He’s terrible.
  12. Speak Spanish. Thanks, Dora and Diego!
  13. Have an in-depth, serious conversation about the merits of Velcro versus shoe laces.
  14. Use bathtub crayons to sketch out post ideas or do simple math. I do my best thinking in the shower and now I can write the ideas down.
  15. Decipher words like smorf (S’mores), Numberland (Neverland), and humidityfier (humidifier). 
  16. Understand that pointing in the general direction of a tree followed by the question “Mommy, what’s that?” really means “What is that blue object 87 feet behind the tree?”
  17. Effectively wrangle 2 dogs, a child and a cat all trying to chase the same rabbit without breaking my neck.
  18. Purchase a subscription to Highlights magazine. And do the puzzles inside.  
  19. Realize that bringing home a hamster is, to paraphrase George Carlin (only he was talking about puppies), really bringing home a small tragedy. This also goes for fish, gerbils, guinea pigs…anything with a short shelf-life.
  20. Not clean my house on a regular basis. What’s the point? It’s just going to get messy again 5 minutes after I’m done.

If you’re a parent, what can you do now that you couldn’t when you were child-free?

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